Carter
While the air is unseasonably warm for June in Spiritwood, it feels dry compared to the humidity that I've gotten used to while I was in the Dominican. I have no idea what I'm going to do about my traveling plans. Should I leave as I had planned to, or do I stay in Spiritwood after I spread grandpa's ashes at the cabin?
Now that I think about it, Grandpa probably couldn't get many updates done to the cabin. When we left, it was starting to get a little run down and I can't imagine what it looks like now. I can get it fixed up and looking decent in no time.
Was it safe for me to stay? With my dad never fully disclosing the problem about the lab or what he had found, I feel like I'm not really able to make an informed decision. It's been almost a decade, so maybe whatever threat that my dad had faced has blown over by now.
I mean the information literally died with him. I've also learned from my meeting with Mr. Smith that the science lab that my dad used to work in is shut down now and has been for quite a few years. Maybe it's time to stop running and come home.
Home.
Xander clears his throat beside me as we walk, drawing me from my thoughts. He was kind enough to offer to drag my bag behind us as we walked. I try to focus on the sound of the wheels rolling over the cement sidewalk, over the pounding of my anxious heart.
"Carter, I need to ask you about that day." He looks away from me, towards the little pond in the middle of the park and stops walking.
He puts my bag down and shoves his hands into his pockets, though it doesn't stop me from catching the slight shake in them. My palms grow sweaty, so I try to casually wipe them on my jeans without him noticing. I don't want to see the pain in his eyes, so I look away from him and wrap my arms around myself.
"I kind of figured this would come up," I say quietly.
"Was it my fault you left? Was it ours? Mine and Quinn's, I mean." He whispers softly.
I choke. I look up at him, brows furrowed with confusion. "What? Why would it have been your fault? What are you talking about?" That's not the direction that I thought this conversation was going to go.
He looks down at me, pain and reservation clear on his face. "Carter you were my best friend. We did everything together. You, me, and Quinn. But at some point, in our lives, being your friend just wasn't enough for me anymore." He bites his lip and closes his eyes.
It's cute, watching Xander try to express how he felt about me. I can't help but wonder if he knew how I had felt about him as well? The thought comes to a screeching halt as I'm sure he doesn't want to know that I had feelings for Quinn as well.
He shakes his head, and a small smile touches his lips. "I don't know when I realized it, or subconsciously I always knew. I remember fighting for your attention doing anything I could to make you laugh. I know that I used to make a damn fool of myself just to make sure you looked at me more than you looked at Quinn." He chuckles. "The rivalry between us..." he whistles, "that was something I never saw coming. I never thought anything could come between me and Q."
I laugh and tuck my hair behind my ear. Looking up at him, I realize he was staring down at me. His eyes are darker than normal, and it looks like there are specks of silver sparkling throughout.
I tilt my head and look deeper into his eyes. That's weird, his eyes are such a vibrant blue, but right now they almost look like the night sky.
"Xander, your eyes-"
Xander turns away from me quickly and clears his throat. "Then there was that stupid fight we had that day. Do you remember it? Of course, you do. You'd have to. Quinn told you to pick one of us. To pick between us." He laughs bitterly, his voice cold.
"I could see the hurt in your eyes Carter, as well as the confusion. You didn't even answer him, you just shook your head and ran. I almost beat Quinn's ass right then and there over that stupid move. I told him that I would do it too, but only after we found you." He looks away from me again, trying to hide the pain reflecting in his eyes.
I can feel my heart breaking, the ache in my chest is stealing the breath right from my lungs. I've always known that they would have been upset when they found I was gone. I just wish he would stop talking or that I could pause this moment indefinitely and never have to hear the words. My heart can't take how much this has affected him. I left Spiritwood that day knowing I wouldn't have to see their faces when I left or have them tell me how much they would miss me.
I spent the last nine years doing one of two things; creating this movie-like scene in my head of what had happened after I ran away from the clearing or trying to pretend like they never existed in the first place. The safety of my No Touchy box was usually my go to. I close my eyes; I don't know if I'm ready to hear what he's going to say. I don't know if I will ever be ready.
"Carter, you were just... gone. We tried to talk to your grandpa, I may have even begged him to tell us where you had gone, but he wouldn't. Not a thing. If we hadn't pushed you so hard to choose one of us or to be more than friends, would you have stayed? Please, I need to know if it was our fault. Christ, Carter. I never even heard from you."
I blink rapidly to try and hide the tears building in my eyes. I turn away from him and look out towards the pond, down at the grass, to the leaves swaying on the trees. Anywhere but at Xander. This hurts so much more than I ever thought it would.
"Oh, Xander, no. Please don't think that it had anything to do with you. It was neither of your faults, and I promise that it wasn't about having to choose between you, either." I peek over at him quickly. He has his hands shoved pockets of his leather jacket, his body facing towards the pond with his jaw clenched tight.
A warm buzz floats over my skin as I look at him. I can remember the feelings I had for him like it's only yesterday. The physical tug that I used to feel whenever I was near him, pulls in my chest now. I let out a deep sigh and shake my head. Here we go.
"To be quite honest with you, Xander, I don't know what would have happened to us or our friendship if I wasn't forced to leave that night. I was so conflicted when Quinn told me to choose between you. You were all that I had; you both were. You were my entire world. I'm not sure when I realized that what I felt was more than just friendship, but those feelings, Xander, they weren't just for one of you."
I exhale quickly. There. My thoughts are out, my feelings laid out in front of us. I feel like I've been stripped bare, and I don't think I've ever felt so vulnerable in my life.
Out of the corner of my eye, I watch Xander drop his head. "You wanted him too, right? You weren't just afraid to hurt my feelings if you chose him over me?" He looks over to me from under those thick lashes.
"I couldn't have chosen between you, not in a million years. Yes, I wanted you, Xander. But..." I sigh. "But yes, I wanted Quinn too. And to see the hope that shone in both your eyes, waiting to see which one of you I would choose, I knew right then and there, that moment was the end of something so good. That it was going to be the end of how easy and carefree things had been between us for years and I couldn't handle it. I couldn't choose. So, I ran."
My voice cracks and my nose burns as the tears I had been trying to keep at bay, spill over. I swipe my fingers under my eyes, keeping my back to him to hide my face. I try to quiet my breathing. I wrap my arms around myself and squeeze tightly, as if I can keep the pain that I feel, wrapped up tight for just a moment longer.
Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes before turning back to look at him. His gorgeous blue eyes have become dark once more. He stands so still that he could have passed for a statue. My arms ache from how hard I've been trying to hold myself together.
"When I got back to my grandpas' cabin, my parents were already there waiting for me at the table. My bags were sitting at the door, already packed. Everything after that happened so quickly, I barely even got to say goodbye to my grandpa. The next thing I knew, I was in the car, and we were driving away from Spiritwood. Turns out something bad happened at my dad's job. He quit his job at the lab and my mom already had a new position at a law firm in a small town called Trinity. They packed the essentials and we left without a word." My voice quivers so I take a deep, shaky breath and continue.
"I wanted to reach out to you, Xander, and to Quinn too but every time I brought it up to my parents, they would tell me over and over how it wasn't safe. How someone could find us and if they found us, they would hurt us. That was the only time they ever showed an ounce of emotion towards me. Other than that, they were too busy with their jobs." I huff out a cold, humorless laugh.
"There was one time I decided I didn't care anymore. I wanted you both to know I was okay and that I missed you. So, I tried to mail you a letter. My mom found the letter in my purse before I even had a chance to leave the house for school. She beat the absolute hell out of me until I couldn't see out of my right eye for a week. I wasn't allowed to leave the house anymore, not even for school. I dropped out a few weeks later. My mom didn't talk to me for a month while dad tried to act like everything was fine." I choke on my words as the tears flow freely down my cheeks.
Xander breaks free from whatever spell he was under because he moves to grab me and pulls me close. I wrap my arms around him, under his leather jacket and wrap my hands in his shirt. I press my forehead into his chest and try to calm myself by breathing in his clean scent. Xander's one hand is around my waist and the other has his fingers wrapped in my hair at the base of my neck.
He leans his cheek to the top of my head and whispers so softly, "I'm so sorry, Carter. I had no idea."
I turn my face to press my cheek to his chest and let him hold me. I listen to the steady beating of his heart, breathing his scent in deeper. That pine and spice scent does something to my self-control. I feel like it's slowly wrapping itself around me. I mentally shake myself off and take a deep, steadying breath.
Just get it out, I tell myself. Everything is out in the open, now. Rip that band-aid off Carter.
"About a month after she abused me, my mom and dad sat me down at the table. We had been in Trinity for about a year at this point. They had always refused to talk about Spiritwood, until that day. They told me that my dad had learned that the lab he had been working in here in Spiritwood, had begun working on something dangerous. Something he wasn't supposed to know. He wouldn't tell me anything other than that. Dad looked me dead in the eye and told me that if anyone found out what he knew, we would all be killed and that if I contacted either of you, it would put you both in danger as well. I stopped trying to find a way to contact you after that."
The hand Xander has on my back slowly moves to trail his fingers along the skin under my shirt. My heart starts to flutter.
"Fuck, Carter –"
"My parents died in a car accident a couple years ago." I cut him off. If I don't get this all out now, I'll never be able to, and I don't know if I'll be able to do this all over again with Quinn.
"I still couldn't risk coming back. I don't know if there's still a danger to me, or you or Quinn, now that the information my father obtained died with them." I look up into his eyes. "I've been so scared, Xander. I've been scared for so long that it feels like it's all I know." My hands that hold onto his shirt, clench tighter. I drop my forehead back against his chest and release a shuddering breath.
He sighs and holds me a bit tighter in return. "I'm sorry for the loss of your parents. I never would have thought it was anything like that. For years I've had it in my head that we drove you away. I've pictured you running home, crying, and telling your parents you couldn't handle being here anymore so many times. I almost had myself convinced that you had gone missing like so many others from the town have. Truthfully, there entirely too many different scenarios that ran through my mind."
He takes his hand out from behind my neck and lightly presses his fingers under my chin, pushing upwards until my eyes meet his. "You have no idea what your dad could have learned?"
I shake my head. What does he mean gone missing like the others? I can't wrap my head around it. The hand he has under my chin moves to caress my cheek. My stomach flutters as I see the hunger that looks back at me.
And just like that, my mind is a muddled mess. I can't get over how utterly gorgeous he has grown to be. My eyes flick down to look at his full mouth and I wonder how it would feel to press my lips to his.
"You know, that's twice you've ugly cried today." He chuckles.
I choke on a laugh and try to smack him in the chest again. He grabs my waist and pulls me closer to him. My hands clasp around his neck, and I watch as his eyes slowly cloud over to black, with bright silver flecks. I'm completely mesmerized as his thumb runs along my bottom lip. The sensation sends an electric shock right between my legs, causing me to shiver.
"So, you wanted me, huh?" His voice a mere deep rumble in his chest.
I laugh and shake my head. "That's what you got out of all of that, did you? We were so young then! I was only sixteen, you and Quinn only a year older. Who knows, it was probably just puppy love." I roll my eyes and shrug, stepping out of his embrace.
"Oh, love. You have no idea." He laughs but a look of disappointment hit his face as he lets his arms drop back to his side, but he quickly masked it with a sly smirk.
"I think that you just couldn't resist the manliness." He flexes his arms showing off his muscles. I laugh and try to act unimpressed, but goddess be damned that boy is built. It takes sheer willpower not to swoon at the sight of him.
I roll my eyes again. "I can tell you, that you look nothing like you used to. Where did my little nerdy friend go?" I tease, poking him in the shoulder.
He laughs, "Oh, he's still very much here. You do not want to see my movie or book collections."
A smile rests on my face as I give in to my cravings and allow myself to look him over. "What have you been doing all these years? You know my whole life story now and I feel like I barely know a thing about you anymore. I ran into Quinn after I met with the lawyer, he seemed... off... when I mentioned I was meeting you."
The smile fades from Xander's face. He looks away and ran his hand along the scruff of his short beard. "It's been a tough few years here too, Carter. Things aren't like they used to be."
I nod, "Yeah, my creepy cab driver tried to tell that me this was how our town always used to be. He was not impressed when I disagreed. It made me a little nervous, to be honest."
He looks back at me, weariness clear in his eyes. "That doesn't surprise me. Everyone tries to act like everything is fine. People get pretty upset when you ask questions. Shortly after you disappeared, things in town went sour, or maybe even before and we just didn't notice it, but people started going missing. At first, missing person flyers were littered across the town, but after a while, people stopped trying to find them. A mandatory curfew went out and businesses began to shut down. It wasn't long before people started moving away. Those who made the decision to stay, just acted like everything was fine." He shakes his head angrily.
"Shortly after Xavier and I turned twenty four, he disappeared. I lost him, Carter. My twin was the person who counted on me the most and I couldn't do anything to save him. I've spent the last two years searching for him." His jaw grinds audibly and he looks back out towards the water.
"The last thing I knew, Xavier was looking into where his girlfriend, Anna, went. He thought she may have been taken because he hadn't heard from her in a few days. He went out searching for her one afternoon and I never heard from him again. We never found Anna either." I watch the muscle in his jaw pull tight and release with his frustration. I take his hands in mine and squeeze; a shudder run through me at the little static shock I feel when our hands touch.
"I am so sorry, Xander. Do you have any hints or any leads as to what could have happened? Where these people might have gone?"
He looks down at our hands, eyebrows furrowed. He takes a second before looking back up at me and shaking his head. "Nothing for a few months now."
"What about Quinn? Has he heard anything?" Xander pulls his hands from mine in a sharp tug, and he quickly shoves them into his jacket pockets, taking me completely by surprise.
"That bastard is only out to serve himself and his pa... friends," Xander says sharply. His voice has gone colder than I've ever heard it before. "I focus on my people, and he can focus on his."
"Okay, Xander, I understand," I say soothingly, completely not understanding at all.
Quinn and Xander had been best friends since birth. What could have happened that would ruin their friendship so completely?
"Come on, let's keep walking." I hold my hand out for him to take.
He shakes his head, "I'm sorry, Carter. I need to go." His voice so empty, he turns and walks away without another word.
I stand in the middle of the path with my hand still extended as I watch him walk away from me. An empty, hurt feeling fills my gut and my head feels heavy with the overload of emotions and information from the past few hours.