As Lily parked the car outside the coffeeshop, the paparazzi stood waiting with bated breath for my first public outing since my yoga class ambush. I unbuckled my seatbelt and glanced over at Lily, who was always camera ready, looking perfect in her tight, leather skirt and cropped, black turtleneck.
"You good?" Lily asked, glancing over at the cameras pointed in our direction lined up on the nearby sidewalk.
"No turning back," I said confidently as I stepped out of the car.
Instead of wearing my trusted baseball hat to hide my identity, I chose to let my long hair flow down my back. I held my head high and wasn't going to hide any longer. We both headed towards the coffee shop as tabloid reporters shouted over each other, causing a slightly chaotic scene around me.
I smiled politely, ignoring any of their questions as I simply said, "Nice to see you all, it's been awhile."
Lily held the door for me as I quickly walked in the coffeeshop.
"You've got balls," Lily said, after we ordered our latte's and took a seat back at our usual spot in front of the window.
"What do you mean?" I questioned, blocking the reporters out of my mind who were staring and taking pictures of us through the window.
Lily inconspicuously glanced over at the mob outside and then focused back on me. "I'm Not Sorry For Being Me, has like a gazillion views, and you basically did a, "Dear Diary," for the world to see. Now, you're out here, like it's no big deal. I mean, props to that."
She raised her coffee cup to cheers me, then she took a sip.
"I just don't care anymore," I said, getting right to the point. "If I could get through what Nate did to me, I think I can handle people taking pictures of me drinking a latte."
I took a sip of coffee as flashes continued to go off outside.
After that day, I finally felt my career was back on track. Walt was beyond happy that both Reed and I seemed to be staying out of the gossip columns. Reed and I remained good friends, but it was never the same as it was before.
As the holidays quickly approached, I felt like I could breathe again. The brisk air had turned frigid. It was the week after Thanksgiving. My mother always loved that time of year. Cutting down our Christmas tree was a day long affair, followed by another day of decorating the balsam fir with lights and lots of ornaments.
From before I could remember, my parents gifted me an ornament every year. When I became eighteen, I started my own tradition. I returned the favor and gifted them each an individual ornament of their own. After my mother died, my father and I continued the tradition.
One night, I was messing around with some chords on my guitar when my father called me. He asked me if I wanted to walk up to the farmhouse and exchange our ornaments. I stopped everything, excited to give him the sunflower ornament I had bought him. I grabbed the present off the counter, a small, square box wrapped in rustic paper with a large, red bow placed in the center.
I threw on my fleece jacket and walked quickly up to the main house. Even with security, I still felt uneasy about walking alone in the dark on our property wondering if someone was lurking behind a tree or something.
I entered through the main door and headed towards the kitchen.
"It's freezing out. Definitely a good time to get in the holiday mood," I said, entering the kitchen with gift in hand.
My dad greeted me with a warm hug and kiss on the cheek. He placed his small box, wrapped in shiny silver paper, on the counter next to mine.
"Where do you want to exchange?" I asked.
"Here is fine," my father answered. "You can open first."
"But you usually open mine first."
"It's fine, Nicky. Go ahead," he reassured me as he placed his gift in front of me.
I shrugged my shoulders and told him, "Ok," as I slowly unwrapped the gift and removed the tissue paper inside.
I stared at what was sitting in the box, a treehouse ornament. Not just any treehouse, but an exact replica of Nate's treehouse in his old backyard.
I glanced up at my father, slightly perplexed at his gift as I took the ornament out of the box.
"I don't get it," I said confused, as I stared at the reminder of my past.
My father didn't say anything. Instead, he glanced behind me, over my left shoulder.
"What?" I said, even more confused.
"I'm sorry, Nicky, but I had to," he said, just as I turned around to look behind me.
Nate stood there in the kitchen, wearing a three-quarter zip sweater and jeans, looking perfect, with his hair just so. I stood frozen, unable to articulate anything as I appeared like a deer caught in the headlights. I stared at the guy I'd loved for so long, who had broken my trust over and over. The varying emotions were too overwhelming to even filter through as I instantly switched to a fight or flight mode.
"Honey, I'm sorry. I know you'll hate me, but this was the only way," my father explained.
I snapped out of my daze, looking back at him, then glancing at Nate.
I shook my head, trying to come to grips with my father's deception.
"I don't even know what to say," I said, placing the ornament back in the box as I quickly walked past Nate in the direction of the front door.
"NICK," Nate shouted as he quickly caught up to me.
My back was to him as he lightly grabbed my arm with his hand, hoping I'd stop.
"DON'T TOUCH ME," I shouted as I threw my arm up so he'd get his hand off me.
"You have to listen," he pleaded.
"NO, I DON'T," I yelled as I stormed off.
Right before I got to the front door, I heard my father call out my name. I didn't bother to turn around as I quickly exited the farmhouse.
I ran back to the barn and locked the door behind me. My heart raced as I paced back and forth, seething with anger towards my father and Nate.
Then, I heard a knock at the door.
"Nicky, please. Open up," my father said as he continued to knock on the door.
I sat down on the couch and placed my hands on my ears trying to block out the noise.
"GO AWAY," I yelled, rocking back and forth trying to soothe my nerves, hoping he'd just disappear at that moment.
Then, the knocking stopped. It got very quiet, almost too quiet. I removed my hands from my ears as I sat still with so many questions in my brain.
Then, I heard rustling, like keys. Before I could stand up, I heard my front door open. I quickly turned around and saw my father standing in the door, holding the set of keys in his hands that were for emergency purposes only.
"What are you doing?" I asked, desperately trying to understand as I stared at him.
"Honey, you're the most important thing in my life. You know that. I would never do anything to hurt you. I'm asking you to trust me. I know that is very difficult to understand right now, but just hear him out, please," he pleaded.
I'd never seen my father so adamant like that. It actually took my breath away. I wasn't sure how to react to my father's plea. I stared at him with visible pain in my eyes. There were no words I could say.
My father backed away from the door as Nate appeared from the shadows.
"I love you, Nicky," my dad said as his voice trailed off as he disappeared into the darkness.
My emotions had been stable until I realized Nate had actually walked inside. He quietly closed the door behind him as I started to feel angry but also slightly panicked.
"I don't know what you told my dad, but I don't want to hear anything you have to say," I said, walking towards the kitchen counter, distancing myself from where he stood in the center of the living room.
Silence filled the open area as we stared at one another . Nate's face appeared serious, no dimple in sight.
He slowly walked towards me, "Don't be mad at your dad," he pleaded.
"Don't tell me how I should feel, Nate!" I said angrily, "You can stop right there," I said, motioning him to stay put as my emotions started to surface.
I glanced down at the floor unable to look at the guy who crushed my heart too many times to count.
He cleared his throat, almost like he was getting emotional himself.
"I hate seeing you like this," he said softly with almost concern in his voice.
"What do you want from me?" I said, glaring up at him.
He hesitated with his words, like he wanted to tell me something but then stopped.
"What? Did you sell me out for more money?" I said, shaking my head, fumes coming out of my ears which helped suppress my urge to cry.
"I would never do that to you," he replied.
"YOU ALREADY DID THAT TO ME, NATE!" I shouted.
"IT WAS MY MOTHER," he blurted out.
We both stayed silent as his words hovered over us, like a dark cloud.
"What?"
"It was my mother who called."
"Your mother? You're really going to blame your mom for this," I said, shocked he'd stoop that low.
"I didn't know how to tell you. I was embarrassed for her. I knew your dad was the only person who could help me figure it out," he confessed.
"What are you saying?"
"She started taking pills again. She was desperate and needed money," he said with regret.
I nervously paced back and forth, trying to make sense of everything in a short amount of time.
"She's the one who dropped off the ice cream that night and left it on the steps. She was at the store. I didn't think it would be a big deal. Somehow, she figured it out."
"But you called the tabloids," I said adamantly, shaking my head back and forth.
"Yeah, you're right," he said clearly.
"Wait, what?" I was utterly confused.
"I never could understand why you thought I called. It never made sense to me. Then, my mom started acting different. Couldn't look me in the eye," he revealed.
He stared at me, really stared at me, making sure I had his full attention.
"I pay most of my mom's bills, including her phone bill. Do you understand what I'm telling you?"
I didn't have much time to process or absorb the details, but things started to become very clear, very quickly. It didn't take me long to wrap my head around the fact that Nate didn't sell me out.
My hard exterior started to dissolve as my emotions took over. Tears started to stream down my face as I focused on the floor. I felt relieved and emotionally exhausted from the continuous roller coaster Nate and I had been on since I was seventeen.
He started walking closer, cornering me up against the kitchen counter without much room for me to move. I felt the warmth of his body next to mine which was almost too much to handle for my heart and mind.
"I should've been more careful. I told you I was going to protect you, and I let you down. I'm sorry about all of it," he said, choking back his own emotions, the extent to which I'd never seen before.
"You don't have to apologize," I mumbled, barely getting the words out.
He was in a horrible position, and his mother was compromised with addiction. No one was perfect, including me. I couldn't hold a grudge. He literally was just trying to take care of his family and do the right thing.
His hand touched my chin, guiding my head up so I could meet his gaze.
"I want us back," he admitted.
I replayed his words over and over in my head.
I thought back to that very first day when I walked across the street with my parents to meet the new neighbors. I remembered the lanky boy who struggled to carry my backpack down the street, because I complained it was too heavy for me to carry. I remembered the grown man who cleaned a drawer out for me in his bedroom so I could unpack my clothes and feel at home in his house.
"I'm truly sorry about your mom," I paused for a second, "I want us, but I don't know..." my words trailed off, I couldn't finish my sentence.
I stared into his big brown eyes as fear paralyzed me. Nate cupped my face tenderly with his hands.
"You do know. You're just too afraid to say it," he said, almost like he was challenging me, but there would be no rock, paper, scissors to settle this debate.
He was right. I was afraid. I was afraid I'd love him again, then lose him. I was literally scared to death as tears streamed down my face.
The desperate look in Nate's eyes broke my heart. He was literally fighting for the both of us with all his heart.
As Nate nervously anticipated my words, I sniffled a couple times and wiped away tears from my face. I tried composing myself as best as I could, I wanted to make sure Nate could hear me.
"I am honestly, telling you the truth, I love you, Nate," I confessed.
Nate's worried face turned bright as he flashed his perfect dimple my way, "I love you too, Nick."
Nate couldn't help himself. He leaned in. His lips touched mine. It felt different. Maybe because we both were different. We weren't two teenagers fooling around in a treehouse anymore. We were way beyond that. He wrapped his arms around me, both of us tightly holding onto one another, like our lives depended on it.
Nate and I were finally on the same page, hopeful N & N, Forever, really meant, FOREVER.