14:
Making 'bad people' seem human is the key to making them really scary.
-Tom Noonan
Emotions are just as dangerous as the people who possess them. Emotions are an arsenal of powerful weaponry in our psyche. Emotions over power thoughts because they control our actions. It's like a domino affect. From blissful to brokenhearted, the way we feel can dictate our actions. And for every action is a reaction. I'm just hoping my emotions don't get in the way of my actions.
“Hey, what are you doing?”
My hands keep stuffing articles of clothing into my over-sized bag until I touch something soft. Danny's foot.
“Ava, I asked you a question,”
“I told what I'm doing. You can accept it or not,”
I go to lift up my sleeping toddler but to my surprise a firm grip on my arms stops me. I'm about to tell him to let me go but his overbearing voice interrupts me.
“They say it's easy to fall in love, but harder to stay in love.”
“I'm sure you can guess that last part's never been my problem,” he finishes.
“Well everyone isn't you.” I shrug out of him before leaning down to lift Danny.
“I know because I'd never be a coward and run,”
“Look, I've had enough of your bullshit and I'm not staying to hear more,”
“What's the real problem, babe? Are you mad because I didn't fuck you.”
A shiver flows through me like an electric current from his seductive whisper.
“Last time I checked your definition of fuck was rape.” I glare hard at his lax posture. His hands are no longer on me, they're in his pockets. His entire collard shirt is ruffled from our previous actions.
“Is that what you think of me?” his reverberating chuckle fills my ears and makes me flush with fury. None of that is funny. Even if he did get off of me after five minutes of making out. None of it is in the least bit funny. The heart dropping fear I felt was all because of his sick, twisted games.
“I was trying to teach you a lesson,”
“Which was?” Why am I still giving him the time of day?
“It's simple, stop talking to every fucking thing with a dick.”
Here it comes. The once hidden jealousy. It's like a mask he wears. One day he's red and the next he's blue. It's not making sense. The purpose of counseling is to progress, not regress.
“No, you have to stop being such an insecure asshole.” I quip sharply. My hair is pulled back into a low ponytail, making it easier to see because my hair isn't constantly in my face. The comfort of the sweats and loose tee keep my bloated stomach from showing easily.
He shakes his head pitifully. The look alone causes me to narrow my eyes. I've always hated sympathy.
“And you have to stop being so naive,”
Danny's head is on my shoulder while my arm is under his rump. He sighs contentedly because this is how I would hold him to rock him to sleep after a nightmare.
“Put him down so we can talk,” chills run down my spine when I feel the cool breeze of air from his nostrils. As long as I've been standing here, I didn't even see Ian walk toward me. His arms engulf my body as he pulls me in.
With my fingertips digging into Danny's side, I hold him tighter. Ian has always had an affect on me. Call it fatal attraction, chemistry, hormones or whatever but every time he pulls me to him, I feel my emotions change.
I lose all previous thoughts and before I know it, I'm giving in to him.
“No,” I stay fermented in my resistance. My subtle, dormant state is slowly transforming into aggressive, outspoken, fearless Ava. The medications are slowly wearing off and the old me is steadily rising. The part of myself I almost lost.
“Naive? How was I naive? I mean all I did was-”
“Let him know you're someone I care deeply for,”
“So what? What does he have to do with us?”
Frowning, I scold myself for using that word; us. I need to refrain from using words that make him think I still love him.
But you do still love him, Ava. That's why you didn't do shit but stand there when he slapped you. You were surprised because you thought he was changing.
“Look babe, I'm sorry for acting like a controlling prick.”
“You know I promised never to hurt you again but people fuck up. Can you just forgive me?”
“You can't keep blaming Elaine or your father for your problems,”
“I'm not... Ava I'm-”
It's been two hours since we got home and all we've been doing is arguing. I hate arguing which is one of the many reasons why I'm deciding to call off this wedding and go back home.
“I'm blaming myself,” he confesses.
His eyes remain steadily focused on me. I notice the solemnity in his vocals as he continues gripping his ruffled blonde hair in anguish.
“Self blame is our biggest weakness. It rains down on our minds and pollutes souls; even submerging us in guilt, self pity, and shame.”
My monotonous pitch sends his head straight up. I've gotten his attention, but that doesn't stop me.
“Self blame is like self harm to me because in the end, nothing good comes. You're only damaging yourself more. The pain you get in your stomach after running too long, or the bone aching feeling of your jaw being hit, or even having your innocence taken fades over time.”
“But the moment you keep blaming yourself; overwhelmed in your own depression is the moment you realize it only gets worse. Those awful, agonizing memories mock you until you break all over again. That once dull pink mark from healing is now flared up; it's been awakened. And now you're left back at square one; trying to heal but can't because you're still blaming yourself. It's an endless cycle of demented thoughts and cackling taunting until one day you decide to end it all.”
“But there's something preventing you from doing just that.” I turn away from his saddened eyes and frowning lips, only to be greeted with a reviving sight. My brown orbs land on Danny, still sleeping like an angel.
“Your lucid thoughts mesh into dreams. Sometimes even nightmares. For me, they were nightmares.”
“The dark, twisted shell of your body craves for release. You start to think you actually deserve to be what everyone wants you to be; dead. That's when you embrace death. Because in your dreams you see a different world, maybe one better than the one you're currently stuck in. And the need to be there magnifies. All hopes of feeling better start to rekindle in your heart.”
“That is until you hear the screaming, soul yanking cries pull you from your nightmares. That is when your eyes open to an ocean of blood. The bone chilling fear settles in your already cold veins while a vivid color of scarlet blinds your sight. All of the faces of your friends, loved ones, and innocents flash repeatedly. Already submerging you in deeper insanity.”
“And as you lie in bed, stricken with fear you realize what was shown to you and you also realize you don't want that anymore.”
Turning to him, I continue,
“I thought death was supposed to comfort me but from what I've seen, it doesn't. Self blame is the one thing that eats away at your soul until there's no soul left,”
“I...I...”
“Blaming yourself makes you feel worse...I know firsthand,” I mumble sadly. It's funny how our nasty history keeps regurgitating. Especially when the past is supposed to stay in the past.
“Just stay with me,” his bass filled voice is broken and needy. It's as if he's pleading.
“I'm flyin',” Danny mumbles in his sleep, making me smile. That was random but at least he didn't wake. He can't wake up to this. I use my hand to prop him up when he starts sliding. My arms hurt but I refuse to put him down.
“Dream big, huh?” Ian laughs while extending his hands. He carefully lifts our son up with ease. Danny weighs about forty pounds which makes him an easy lift for Ian. But for me, not so much.
“I love what we created,” he stares at me with such enchanting emerald eyes. I feel like he is silently thanking me. Thanking me for Danny.
“Yeah, he saved me. He basically gave me a second chance,” I was at m lowest and Danny pulled me out.
“You're perfect,” his low tone casts over the dimly lit room. He holds him tightly, even placing a soft kiss on his forehead before laying him down.
Something tells me that was addressed to me as well.
A strained sigh parts from his thin lips as he admires my presence.
“It's like you're saying what I can't say. Every time you speak it's like you speak for me...or with me.”
My eyes hold war with the hardwood floor. Even managing to notice a spot I missed from shining the wood earlier. The OCD in me is telling me to grab a towel and some wood polish.
“Ava,” his large hands cup mine, sending my eyes straight to his. I shouldn't be listening to this. But somehow I'm already intrigued.
“I need your help so please, just stay.”
“There's beauty in the broken, Ava. I know you see it in me. Deep down inside you see it in me just as I see it; feel it in you.”
How can someone so messed up; so evil, vile, repulsive. Someone undeserving of love need it so much?
After a few moments of tension filled silence, he finally says.
“If it's Elaine you're worried about we can move,”
His hands are still clinging onto mine while I fight the urge to pull away. Why does he have to do this.
“If you just let me fix this, I can give you the world. I can give you everything you want if you just stay,”
That's nice and all but at what price? What if his anger gets the best of him again? What will he do next time? Punch me harder instead of slapping me senseless.
A sudden pull forward forces my heart to start stammering in my chest. His lips collide with mine while his hands seize my cheeks in the moment. The kiss begins as a forceful rainfall but then quickly develops into a downpour of unsaturated, raw emotions. Without thinking, I place my hands on his neck before opening up. Literally and figuratively.
Heavy breathing and heaving chests collide with each other. Our heartbeats match up perfectly. It does so in a manner that would freak anyone out. The silence is killing me and so are my reckless actions. And then he says,
“Just let me back in,”
Out of automatic habit, I nod in acceptance. I agree to staying with him not because I'm afraid of saying no, but because there comes a time in everyone's life when they need to be saved. I never thought I'd be the type of girl to save a guy. I never thought someone would need me to save them. But then again, there's a first for everything.
“Yeah,” I swallow heavily, “Okay,” Placing my hand in his, I put my thoughts on mute. But one thought in particular speaks louder. In fact, it's screaming,
Don't save him, he doesn't want to be saved.
#
Sunlight cures my darkness. I love the sun because it makes thing brighter. Literally.
The rays of golden shine through the glass window, making the counter tops glisten like glitter in the snow. My mind stays locked into dread the more I think about last night. He held me all night. And even though we kept it PG, I still feel as if I've been part of some dirty porno.
“You want Fruit Loops or Apple Jacks?” I try to take my mind off that.
“Ummmm,” he scratches his small head while thinking. I watch his light pink lips pout into a frown until quickly transforming into an enthusiastic smile.
“I want Fruit Loops so I can poop rainbows,”
My smile spreads and all I can think is, “Thank you sweetie for making my morning,”
It never fails though. I knew after last night, Danny would end up making me smile.
Once breakfast is over, we decide a game of hiding seek will suffice our boredom until Ian gets home. We play like two young kids who just met and hit it off. Danny has always been that kid who loves to play with his mommy. He also likes to scare mommy too.
“Mommy, come look! There's a smake in yur room.”
Walking out of the downstairs hall closet- where I was previously hiding- I frown in suspicion.
“This better not be a trick for you to win!” I shout when I don't see him.
“Noooo I prom mess,” he giggles at the numerous times he's won because he saw a snake, or spider.
"Where, baby?" I walk until I hear his voice, he's standing at the bottom of the stairs, looking mischievous as ever. His disheveled blonde hair is all over his head while his Ninja Turtles shirt is ruined with dried milk stains. I wiped his face but I keep forgetting to take off his shirt and replace it.
“I'll shove you!” his little legs bolt into a full out sprint, forcing me to run too.
"What did I tell you about running in the house?"
"I saw it right here," he frowns at the latex condom laying on the hardwood floor.
Panic ensues my mortified face and before he can poke it, I drag him back.
"Don't touch it!"
Whose it it? Is it Ian's? No it can't be because we didn't do anything last night. Was it there yesterday? No, I would have noticed. I pass that area to get my clothes.
“It's limp like a noodle, mommy. Is it balloon? Ooohh, can I blow it?" he asks, looking genuinely curious. I notice when he's inquisitive he looks like me. But when he looks determined, like when he practices writing his name he looks like Ian.
This innocence is the way I intend on keeping him until the time comes.
“Ava, Daniel!” The sound of Elaine's shrill voice makes my legs move in quickness. I need to get rid of this...this condom.
My reflections move as quickly as my hands. Why is she here so early? Aren't her, Martin, and Ian supposed to be attending a meeting today?
Shaking my head, I go into the bathroom to retrieve gloves. I can't touch it with my hands. Hell, I couldn't even touch a frog in science class. Yeah, I'm not touching that.
By the time I step out, I'm met with Elaine's horrified face. Her green eyes widen as she stares at the nerve racking scene before her.
“No Danny, get that out of your mouth,”
I run over to him with the fear every mother has when their child touches something potentially life threatening. That condom could have Herpes in it, and for a four year old that could be life threatening.
Why did I leave him?
“Ava, is everything alright here? I mean we leave you for-”
“Can you just stop? I don't want to hear it today.” Once I remove the latex from Danny's pouting mouth, I drag him to the bathroom to sterilize his entire face.
“Mommy stop! You're being mean,”
I ignore Danny's useless cries as I scrub his entire face. He squirms while whinging repetitively and all I can think about is choking Ian.
“Well since you want to be such a bitch today, I'll tell Ian you can't make it,”
“Damnit Emmy, I told you to wait in the car,” Elaine speaks dramatically.
“Was that your condom?” Rolling my eyes, I turn to face the evil slut.
“Relax cuzzo, it's really not that serious,” she smirks.
“Don't call me that. We're not blood anymore,” I reply venomously. By this time I've checked inside my son's mouth about twenty times. Carefully observing every inch.
“You really wanna go there?” Emmy's eyes remind me of a cat. Menacing and cut throat. Not sweet and cute like Puss N Boots.
“I'm sure you've had enough men and women in your lady parts. So no, I don't want to go there,” I censor my words for the sake of Danny.
“Ladies, please have some class for God's sake,” Elaine huffs, boredom in her tone.
“Emmy just apologize for calling her a bitch and Ava apologize for calling her a slut,”
I scoff at Elaine's attempt to make peace. Emmy Fuller and I will never, ever be friends or cousins. She was my roommate in college. At first I didn't know who she was because she had dyed her hair and packed on a few hundred pounds. By the time I realized she was my dad's niece who had been adopted it was too late to switch roommates.
“I'm not saying she's a slut, but if she walked into a sperm bank her spit would be accepted.” I quip with a shrug.
“Ava, the mental institution called, they want their patient back,”
“Why are you here?” I cross my arms while glaring harshly at her.
“Well,” Elaine steps in between us, her delicate hands placing themselves on our arms.
“Emmy is my friend and she's going to be yours too,”
No fucking way in hell. This is a joke. This has to be a joke. Emmy and I are cousins only because of my dad and her mom, who gave her up at birth. She was my friend growing up until she moved. She faulted my parents for not adopting her. But that wasn't their responsibility. My parents were young teenagers who barely knew how to raise me. What would they have done with two?
I understood that but the psycho slut didn't. And now she blames me. Everything she does is to get back at me. She's twenty three. When will she grow up?
“Let's just say she has affect on people. She's as addictive as a drug,” Elaine's sharp lips spread into a satisfied grin. And somehow I feel it's done on purpose to mock me.
“Chop, chop Ava. You and Danny don't want to be late for the meeting,” Emmy sings playfully while I hold back curse words.
If this is who my day will be spent with then someone end it now.
Unedited.
vote, comment, fan! :D Thank you to the new followers who follow me. Sorry I can't thank you guys personally. Time kinda has me in a choke hold.
*This is for anyone feeling down,
It's true that self harming temporarily "relieves" pain. But temporary doesn't last forever. Your happiness can, though. You need to realize self blame and depression will kill you. Be strong, be you, be beautiful, guys. Be the girl/ guy I or someone close to you knows you to be.
And I get it. People change, they grow up. That's what your parents tell you about life. But the part they don't tell you are the dangers of emotions. Like Ava said, emotions turn to thoughts and those thoughts turn to actions. For every action is a reaction. Every killer felt some type of emotion before, during, or after their murder. Either way, emotions can control you.
I always say, "Don't let people make you do anything. Including feeling. Don't let them make you feel happy, sad, angry, nervous. Don't let them control your emotions. Emotions are already dangerous enough on their own, and when they control them (your emotions; your feelings) they control you. That's basically what this chapter was about.