At the beginning of November, everyone around me was getting tense. I was out with Xiumin one day getting some air when he told me that everyone was worried about the possibility of me going into premature labor. After assuring him that I wasn't stressing anything at that point, just taking things a day at a time, and seeing my doctors as scheduled, he finally felt comfortable enough to leave me down by the Han River long enough to go get something to eat while I just took in the view and the cool autumn afternoon breeze. Neither of us could've thought to expect what happened next.
"I never would've guessed the guys were telling me the truth," Heechul said sitting next to me on the bench.
"What do you want, Heechul?" I asked him.
"I wanted to see for myself," he started.
"What am I? A freak show?" I asked, offended.
"No, Hea," he replied. "I couldn't believe you were pregnant. I'm not making fun of you."
"Since when?" I asked him suspiciously.
"Look, the night of your wedding..." Heechul started. "Kangin and Jackson Wang made me realize I was never fair to you. While I've always protected what I knew as my family from the time I was a baby, it was Appa who messed up, not you. I'm sorry it's taken me nearly 29 years to admit that to you, Hea, but I never should've blamed you for what Appa did to my mother. It was just easier than to think the man I'd looked up to was an asshole."
"Why are you telling me this now?" I asked him.
"I don't know," he admitted. "Especially after what Jackson Wang said to me, I don't deserve, nor do I expect you to just forgive me, Hea. At times, I was really cruel to you."
"You really were, Heechul," I confirmed. "You took more than just my job at SM when you threw Key under the bus in 2011. You took my first love from me. It broke both of our hearts."
He looked at me, shocked.
"You actually loved him?" he asked me.
I nodded at him.
"I had never considered that possibility," he said. "No wonder he punched me in the mouth after Leeteuk told him what I'd done."
"I know what he did," I told him. "You deserved it, Heechul."
"Why didn't you ever do anything to stop me, Hea?"
"I never understood as a kid what I had done to make you hate me, so I didn't know that you shouldn't be treating me the way you were, Heechul," I started explaining. "I didn't figure that out until I met the Wangs. By the time I came back... I wasn't the same little girl anymore, Heechul. My life wasn't about trying to understand why I always wanted to cry when I had to see my Oppa and Eonni. I finished high school, I trained to be a bodyguard, and when I came home to Seoul, my past was just that, my past. I was ready to start over. It's why I never engaged you. But why did you bring Abeoji to Seoul after me? I know you don't want to believe me, but he did hit me, Heechul."
"I was so angry that you had gotten around me trying to get you fired, I just called him," he replied. "I told him how I saw things happening at SM, even if that wasn't how things really were."
"I never slept with Key," I told him. "I hadn't slept with anyone until after I got married last year."
"You're lying!" he said, staring at me. "Who stays a virgin until they're nearly 28 years old anymore? Especially when they've been in a steady relationship for as long as the two of you had apparently been?"
"I did," I told him. "I had been on tour with G-Dragon for almost the entire time Hyunseong and I were together, Heechul. He's three years younger than I am. I had been hurt before. We weren't in a rush for anything. When we did have time together, we just wanted to be able to make memories together. It wasn't about sex. Our relationship was never conventional or easy, but we made it work for all this time."
"And now?" he asked.
"Pretty much as soon as G-Dragon finished celebrating finding out I was pregnant he told me I'm on leave," I replied.
"When did you tell him?"
"May."
"You've been on leave since May?"
"No, after arguing, we compromised and I've been on leave since June. I spent the first month or so in Japan because that's where I was when my leave officially started."
"Why didn't you come back to Seoul?"
"Hyunseong and I have a place there because Boyfriend has spent so much time there in the last few years. I got it for us earlier this year, so when I started my leave, I went there and Hyunseong left the dorm to stay with me. I came back to Seoul when Boyfriend came back for their Korean comeback in August. We've been here since."
"Starship isn't doing much with them, are they?"
"Other than keeping Hyunseong busy most days? Not really. Hyunseong isn't even sure if he would sign if they wanted to extend their contracts," I told him. "He liked what he was doing at first, and he loves the fans. But the company politics isn't for him. He doesn't like that he's going to be 26 years old next year and still can't just stay home with his pregnant wife when they're really just giving him things to distract him and keep him busy, like a child. It's why everyone except him and Youngmin went on The Unit."
"None of them are happy?"
"Starship doesn't know how to handle multiple groups at once it seems. They were doing so good with Boyfriend. Then as Monsta X was about to debut, Boyfriend went to Japan and pretty much became the responsibility of the company in Japan. Honestly, they haven't been in Korea much since I stopped working with them."
"Are you happy with Hyunseong?"
"I am, Heechul," I admitted. "Its why nobody would let you and Abeoji any closer to the wedding than you got last year. Eomma, Hyunseong, and Jiyong planned the wedding without me knowing. Jiyong got me there, but I had no idea. That's part of why it was in Japan. It was literally the day after the Fukuoka concerts ended and we had a little over two weeks until the Osaka concerts which would end the Japanese leg of the tour. Fukuoka was important because it was also where Jiyong and Hyunseong had planned my proposal for January of last year, so it has a lot of meaning to Hyunseong and I. Not one person at the wedding would let you or Abeoji taint that for us."
"You didn't know you were getting married that day?"
"No," I told him. "Those two... when they want to surprise me, it's always amazing. When they want something, I'm always screwed."
Heechul laughed at me.
"Don't laugh at me you jerk!" I said to him.
"So, your husband and your boss know how to play you so they get anything they want out of you?"
I sighed.
"Basically."
"You're fucked," he said with a straight face.
"I still don't know why you came to apologize to me, Heechul," I told him honestly.
"Maybe..." he started. "I don't know, Hea. I know that the rest of Super Junior still spends time with you when they can."
"They do," I confirmed. "Yesung and I were still going out for coffee at least once a week until I was told I needed to stop drinking so much caffeine because of the pregnancy. Yesung cut me off cold-turkey."
"That's messed up."
"Now, we try to go for walks at least once a week, so that I don't just sit at home all day everyday," I said. "Leeteuk comes over and he's just a good person to talk to when I need someone. Each of the guys tries to do something different to keep my stress levels down and keep me from being homebound all the time."
"And who's supposed to be with you now, Hea?"
"Xiumin. He went to get us something to eat."
"Aren't you worried he's been gone awhile?"
"No. He probably went to get the his favorite steamed buns from the place that's not too far from here," I replied. "It takes a little longer, but he knows I'm not walking off on my own like this."
"What if someone came after you? I mean, you are carrying the children of an idol," Heechul pointed out.
"I'm not supposed to overexert myself, Heechul, but I am a trained bodyguard. I will defend myself if I have to."
"You never had any altercations with Taemin. How do I know you can really protect yourself or anyone else?"
"Because I've protected G-Dragon. It's why he wanted to put me on leave as soon of the shock of him hearing the words 'I'm pregnant' came out of my mouth. He didn't want to risk having me on the road with him knowing I've taken body blows for him before. I've also done it for Boyfriend, but they don't know that. Any of them. I always handled the issues before they could see it was an issue. Other than Donghyun, they were all younger. They didn't need that kind of stress."
"You protected them emotionally and physically?"
"When I could. It's why I was even more pissed off when not only did the police show up accusing me of assaulting Abeoji, but of having sex with the six of them. They had just debuted the night before, Heechul, and suddenly, after I had just calmed them down about my bruises, they're getting interrogated by the cops about me and sex. They were traumatized and still had to perform that night."
"You wouldn't have been able to tell."
"I took them out for ice cream," I told him. "Then had to talk Donghyun and Hyunseong down because they did not want to sit back and take that chance that whoever gave me the bruises would try something else."
"They didn't know it was Appa?"
"No."
"I'm sorry they got dragged into all of that."
"What about Key?"
"I'm sorry I hurt him, too, Hea. I couldn't get the idea you were the root of the pain in my parents' relationship out of my head. It wasn't right and I'm sorry. You were only like half my age when Appa had your eomma send you away and she didn't even bring you home on holidays. I didn't know that. I didn't know Appa basically asked her to just not bring you back at all. I just knew I was happy that I didn't have to see you."
"Thanks."
He shrugged.
"I'm sorry I hurt people you obviously care about, and who care about you, to try to cause you pain."
"Like I told you years ago, Heechul, I don't focus on your approval. I stopped focusing on what you thought of me a long time ago. And while it's nice of you to finally apologize to me, I think you need to be a man and apologize to Key, Taemin, Hyunseong, Donghyun, Jeongmin, Youngmin, Kwangmin, Min Woo, and anyone else you hurt to try to cause me pain."
"You really don't care whether or not I apologized?"
"I basically explained away your obnoxious behavior my first day at SM for Leeteuk's sake, because he couldn't comprehend how you could behave like that to someone that, as far as he knew, you had never met before. But, other than that, I just told people to leave you be when you acted like that towards me. Because, when I came back to Seoul, I wasn't looking for your approval anymore, Heechul. So, it's nice, but in a lot of ways, you're still nothing more than a stranger to me that I happen to share DNA with."
He looked like I hit him.
Heechul's POV:
I wanted to argue with Hea that I was more than a stranger that shared her DNA. But, she was right. We didn't know each other. Other than what she was sharing with me today, I didn't know anything about her really. I didn't even remember her birthday. I sighed.
"You're right, Hea. Though it somehow hurts to hear you say it more than when Kangin and Wang did."
"I'm not trying to be cruel."
"I know. You're just being direct. I've been called worse than cruel for being blunt. It's my fault though. I could've given you a chance when you were a kid. I didn't want to. Now, you're all grown up, married, and about to be an eomma yourself. And the ball is in your court, Hea. Do you want to try to get to know me? Can we try to be friends, if not actually brother and sister?"
She looked at me.
"I need time to think about that, Heechul. This is the first time in my life where it's my decision whether or not I want you around me. When you have been in my life, you've just always kinda been there, and been a jerk about it. And as an adult, it was never welcomed. So, I need to figure that out. But honestly, while I'm still pregnant, it isn't the best time for me to be stressing about you. I'm already at risk of going into labor as soon as next week. I don't need stress pushing me there."
"Why so soon?" I asked, worried about her.
"Multiple births can be as premature as two months early. I'm trying to keep myself as calm as possible to keep myself from going into labor for as long as I can. So, now is not the time for me to worry about whether or not to try to get to know you. I'm sorry Heechul. I'll think about it when I'm not at risk of triggering a premature labor."
I nodded at her.
"Heechul! There you are!" I heard Donghae. "I've been looking for you!"
"What are you doing with Hea, Heechul-hyung?" Xiumin came up behind me at the same time, with food in his hands.
"He was just talking to me, Xiumin. I'm fine," Hea answered for me. "You should go. Donghae is waiting for you."
I nodded at Hea and walked away.
"What were you doing? Leeteuk is going to be mad when he finds out you went to her."
"You're not going to tell him. Are you?"
"Even if I don't, it doesn't mean Xiumin won't. And the guys who debuted after she left are more protective of her than anyone else at SM because she was so nice to the trainees."
I sighed.
"I'll just save everyone the trouble and tell Teuk myself."
"But why did you go to her, Hyung?"
"I'm trying to figure out how badly I messed up, Donghae."
When we got back to the group, I pulled Leeteuk aside.
"What is it?" he asked me.
"I went and talked to Hea down by the Han River. I happened to see her sitting on a bench alone and sat down to talk to her."
"Heechul! Why can't you leave her alone?"
"For the last year I've been thinking about what Kangin and Jackson Wang said the night of her wedding in Fukuoka, Teuk. Seeing her sitting there, I needed to talk to her."
"Why?"
"To find out how badly I've messed up. I needed to know how badly I've messed up that girl's life," I finally said. "I apologized to her, Teuk."
"What?"
"I apologized for being an asshole and a shit brother for her entire life."
"What did she say?"
"Basically, she didn't care if I had apologized, but it was nice that I had," I said, laughing a little. "She said I need to apologize to Boyfriend, Key, and anyone else I've hurt to try to hurt her more, than to her."
"Do you think she'll give you a chance?"
"I don't know. But she said she can't think about that right now. She mentioned the stress could send her into premature labor?"
He nodded at me.
"I'm proud of you Heechul," Teuk started. "Not for going behind my back to see her. I'm actually mad at you for that. But I'm proud of you for finally realizing Hea isn't the root of all your problems and apologizing to her. She's such a sweet girl. I hope you get the chance to know her."
"I think I want a chance to know her, too, Teuk," I said to him.
"Now that you've told her what you've needed to, respect her wishes, Heechul. Give her the space she needs," Teuk said. "Maybe start doing what she told you was more important to her than apologizing to her."
"You mean apologizing to Key and Boyfriend?"
"Yeah. I'm sure there are others you could think of that you've hurt to hurt her, too... like Taemin. He was devastated when she left. After all, she was his personal bodyguard. I'm sure they'd become close friends."
I sighed.
"Alright. You're right."
I started trying to think of who I really needed to apologize to. Other than Boyfriend and SHINee, I could already think of Kangin, G-Dragon, and Jackson Wang off the top of my head. I'm sure if I really thought about it, there would be others.
"Hey, Leeteuk?"
"Yeah, Heechul?"
"I'm sorry for being such an asshole for all these years when it came to Hea. I was never thinking clearly when I thought about her. For a while, the one thing that made me back off was that I knew you were struggling after what happened with your family. I knew you were already overwhelmed with that and leading all of us knuckleheads around... when you were really struggling then, I would back off everything with Hea easier for you. But I'm still sorry I was an asshole."
"I appreciate your apology. And knowing you tried to be less of an asshole because I was having personal issues, Heechul. Just try to be better for her now."