A nightmare
also called a bad dream. It's an unpleasant dream that can cause a strong emotional response from the mind, typically fear but also despair, anxiety or great sadness.
Psychological nomenclature differentiates between nightmares and bad dreams, specifically, people remain asleep during bad dreams whereas nightmares can awaken individuals.
The dream may contain situations of discomfort, psychological or physical terror or panic. After a nightmare, a person will often awaken in a state of distress and may be unable to return to sleep for a short period of time.
Eyes open.
Darkness.
Chest movements. Up, down and again.
Chin pressed to my head.
Hand around his body holding him close, his hand on my upper hand and the other on my waist, cuddling me warmly.
I know it's not Shawn now which makes me feel unprotected and freaked. I know him for such a small amount of time, I don't trust him to hold my body in such a vulnerable moment, in such an intimate way when I don't have my defences up. Only my brother stays with me at night, holding me as the nightmares arrive.
I hate nightmares.
Nightmares are the thing that makes my day even worse. Nightmares make me feel hate towards myself even more. Nightmares are the reason I will never go on school trips nor a vacation with Cory and Shawn. Cory doesn't know and I don't want him to know about those nightmares.
Breathing.
I breathe loud and heavy.
I always wake up in a shock, feel the pain through my body even though it's no longer there.
His hands gripping me tighter, instinct. Wanting to know what just happened and why my head is no longer on his chest in an instant move.
"What's wrong??" His voice was full of worry, deep raspy morning voice that runs chills through my body, but I don't hear him very acute, it's more of a muffle. His hand travelling up and down my upper hand, trying to sooth me. I know it's not morning yet and I think I might get him to move and sleep on the couch.
Breaths. Heavy panting. I can't breathe.
He gets up from his position to one like mine. Legs spread out but the body is up, sitting and looking at me. I move my legs and push my knees up, resting my head upon my knees, I'm starting to freak out.
Where's all the air?
I keep trying to breath but I just can't, tears stream down my face as I panic.
His hands come up to my face and he cups my cheeks between his hands. Taking the tears to his thumb, brushing it away from my face.
One of his hands let go as he turned around and opened the nightlight, but when he turned around back to me he returned his hand to my face.
"Look at my eyes,"
I hear his voice again but still my ears can't hear it right and the voice is like I'm with headphones and someone's talking to me. It's like I'm in a bubble.
I keep panicking and crying. I can't seem to focus on the words he says. He speaks, that I know, but my brain can't do as he says, I hear him but I don't get it. I can't process a word he says. I feel like my mind is blank when I try to understand what he says.
"Hey, hey, look at my eyes Lily"
Lily.
The way only Shawn calls me and sometimes mum.
My eyes meet his green eyes. He wore a genuinely worried look in his eyes, his green soothing me down a little but.
His eyes are so beautiful
Sound of a sweet chuckle spread in the silent room..
"In the middle of a panic attack you're telling me my eyes are beautiful?"
I furrowed my eyebrows and noticed that I might just said it outloud, not just thinking of it. My eyes are full of worry, What is wrong with my head, I can't breathe so how could I say that !?
Why can't I just breath!
His eyes changed worried again as he saw that I'm worried and freaked again, panic is still rising in my eyes. I look down, embarrassed that I said it outloud and that I'm having a panic attack before him.
"Look at me eyes Lee"
Those annoying panic attacks. I hate those.
the abrupt onset of intense fear or discomfort that reaches a peak within minutes and includes at least four of the following symptoms: Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate. Sweating. Trembling or shaking. Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering.
Such an unneeded thing. Helps with nothing. Panic attack only makes things worse for me.
I really hate it. Did you know some people can't remember what happens when they have panic attacks? They just forget everything that happened in the min time.
I'm not one of those.
Shit I am sweating and shaking and I feel so stupid and him being here as it happens making it only worse. The air is unrecognisable still.
"Look at my eyes Lee."
His voice sounded more aggressive but also sweet, like he was just desperate for me to look at his eyes. I look up to see his green beautiful eyes again.
"Good, now, can you count your heartbeat for me?"
It's so strong that I feel it pounding hard through my chest, I felt like almost he could hear it too.
One. two. three. four, it was a fast one. Very fast, caused by my issue with breathing right now.
"Count out loud, love" voice deep and harsh but still remaining worried. desperate for me to just listen to him. The worried careful look in his eyes remaining.
"One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight."
I say fast, with my own heartbeat. More of a whisper and gasps than speaking.
Stoping when I couldn't do it any longer.
"Again"
I repeated the same and he nods, this time it was quite slower, not much but it was slower. I kept focusing on my fast and loud hard heartbeat, it's so fast, I mean, not anymore? One and two and three and four and. It's still fast but slower.
"One. Two. Three. Four"
He nods for me to do the same once again. This time it was really different, my heartbeat wasn't regular but it was so much better, the focusing helped me think of another thing unless panic which helped me breathe again.
"You ok?" I nod, can't seem to say anything right now. He nods too and breathes out in relief.
Heartbeat is still quite fast but it was better now. His hands on my cheeks collecting the last couple of tears off my face. He smiles a small smile, a pity smile.
Now that I have my breathing back I allow myself to roll my eyes at the look in his eyes. He doesn't care about me at all, why would he? He doesn't know me at all, he's just good at pretending, he's just being nice cause he feels like he has to.
Eventually, no body cares. I don't need his pity stupid smile.
"Bad dream? I used to-" i cut him mid sentence.
"Why are you acting like this?"
Confusion running through his eyes when he couldn't find the reason for my outburst, saying it all of the sudden.
"What do you mean?" His voice sounded confused as hell.
"I was just helping you" he shakes his head like it's obvious and I shake my head in a no.
"But why? Why would you help me and act like you care if you don't?" he shakes his head with confusion and disapproval again, "who said i don't care?" I laugh pathetically and roll my eyes, haha right.
"You don't even know me, and let's not forget that when Hannah said i'm a freak you just stood there silently" he furrowed his eyebrows, trying to remember, when he understands shame screamed out of his eyes, sweet awkward shame. "I know it's not an excuse but I was curious about what she was on about, then you left and I had to act like the teachers assistant".
I roll my eyes and he sighs, I look down at my feet.
"Listen-" he begins, I raise my head watching his tired face as he tries to figure out what to say.
"I helped you because you let me into your house, room, let me shower here, gave me a bed to sleep on. you helped me when I could have just driven home in the middle of a storm and probably right now i would be lying on the road.. Dying" he said all of the sentence in a normal plain voice but when he said the dying thing he opened his eyes in realization and chuckled to himself, thinking about it.
"So you feel like you have to?" He shakes his head,
"no, its just the human in me that when a person needs help and i know what to do i will do it, what kind of person it would make me if I would wake up see it and go back to sleep?" I nod cause I have nothing to add.
I was just attacking him because it doesn't seem right that someone except for Shawn, Cory and my mum will act that way. But I helped him, didn't i? And I don't care so maybe it's the same situation, it was just the right thing to do at the moment. It seems more.. reasonable now.
As I stare down at my feet, resting my head on my knees again, I feel him shifting over the bed, I raise my head watching him reach my classical guitar.
As he does he takes the capo from the nightstand and hangs it over the first fret.
I watch him as he shifts his fingers into the shape of the dm chord.
"🎶 I was thinking 'bout her, thinkin' 'bout me.
Thinkin' 'bout us, what we gon' be?
Open my eyes, yeah it was only just a dream.🎶"
He strummed ones after every chord, only ones, making it slow and more meaningful, deeper and calmer.
"🎶 So I traveled back, down that road.
Will she come back? No one knows.
I realize, yeah, it was only just a dream.🎶"
He continued singing with his beautiful voice. He really does have to do something with that cause if not that's just a waste of potential.
"🎶 I was at the top and now its like I'm in the basement, Number one spot and now she find her a replacement 🎶"
He kept strumming ones, never getting faster with the rhythm even though the song is originally playing faster at this part. He's too tired but he's just trying to make things better.
"🎶 I swear now I can't take it, knowing somebody's got my baby 🎶" I add, feeling like I should.
"🎶 And now you ain't around baby I can't think
I should've put it down, should've got the ring
'Cause I can still feel it in the air. See her pretty face run my fingers through her hair 🎶"
At this part he actually stopped strumming, just saying it a little faster than before and then we both sang,
"🎶 My love of my life, my shorty, my wife
She left me, I'm tight
'Cause I knew that it just ain't right 🎶"
He smiled at me through his singing and I just kept singing.
"🎶 I was thinking bout her, thinkin' bout me
Thinkin' bout us, what we gon' be
Opened my eyes yeah, it was only Just A Dream
So I traveled back, down that road
Will she come back, no one knows
I realize yeah, it was only Just A Dream 🎶"
He stopped singing in the middle to yawn but kept going on.
"🎶If you ever loved somebody put your hands up🎶"
He skipped the next course and moved farther to the end by himself.
"🎶 If you ever loved somebody put your hands up
And now they're gone and you're wishing you could give them everything..
Said if you ever loved somebody put your hands up
If you ever loved somebody put your hands up
Now they're gone and you're wishing you could give them everything 🎶"
Here I joined for the last time
"🎶 I was thinking bout her, thinkin' bout me
Thinkin' bout us, what we gon' be
Open my eyes yeah, it was only Just A Dream
So I traveled back, down that road
Will she come back, no one knows
I realize yeah, it was only Just A Dream 🎶"
When we finished singing he yawned again and moved the guitar back to its place, when he finished his body shifted harshly on the mattress back to the pillow and he was really ready to sleep, I could see in his eyes he's exhausted. I wanted to say I wanted you to sleep on the couch but the words never came out as I looked into his sleepy face. He opens his eyes to look at me and sees that I'm uncomfortable, then his face changes into a thinking mood.
"Do you want me to head downstairs?" He asked like he could have read my mind or something and I nodded hesitantly. He shifts up and nods, as he does that I suddenly become uncomfortable and when his body gets off the mattress I feel weird, and like it's very empty suddenly.
"Good night lil" (Lee-l)
I look up at the nickname he just gave me, it's like my name but as 'little' and I smile a very small smile. I still feel like there's something wrong in this whole situation and that the bed is still empty, usually Shawns here after my nightmares cause if he isn't the bed is empty and I can't sleep. I don't understand why he never showed up in my room, usually he hears me and runs to my room but tonight he never did.
"Harry-"
I speak without noticing. speak before think. Very smart to do. Sarcastic yeah? He looks back at me. He just reached the handle. "Yeah?" I stay silent, I don't really want to say another thing that I won't think about and then regret it maybe.
I shake my head and he looks at me confused.
"thought you wanted me to leave?"
I hesitantly shook my head again and his face changed into a calm and soft one.
He leaves the handle and walks closer to the bed, was he always shirtless? when he reaches the bed, close to me, I can see how tired he really looks, his hair is super messy and he has slight dark bags underneath his eyes. Before I was too much of a mess to notice that but now that I can see it I don't even know why he helped me. I know I wouldn't.
He sits on the bed at first, then he looks at me, assuring himself that he isn't being too much for me, after he did he cleaned his feet and lifted his long legs over the bed, taking the duvet and holding it closer to him while looking at me eyes.
"Do you want me to turn off the light now?" I nod and he turns the light off and shifts into a more comfortable position. I turn around facing the wall, I can't sleep when I know someone's face is facing me. I look into the dark room, hearing him shifting again to the other side, facing the wall side, I keep staring at the dark room as the moments pass, all I hear is his calm breathing.
Why can't I fall asleep?
I feel really tired but I can't seem to fall asleep, I'm afraid of having another nightmare. Sometimes it shocks me too bad for me to go back to sleep and I don't feel tired anymore but this time I am tired but still afraid to fall asleep and feel the pain again, going through this another time that I prefer to just don't have.
I turn around again to face his back. His features seem calm and his body in a full rest, I think he fell asleep already, considering he was exhausted.
I move my body closer to him, maybe the heat of another person will help me knowing I'm not alone and I won't have another nightmare today, but still, maybe it won't help me? Shit I really don't wanna have another nightmare today. The feeling I feel when I dream of it and the pain that sticks with me all of the nightmare and even after I don't wish anyone these feelings.
Without noticing, the fear makes my hands wrap around Harry's shirtless body, what can I say I'm the big spoon kind of a person and the cuddling kind too. I feel like I'm regretting this position and like I'm stepping into his personal space so I pushed myself off only to feel his hand taking mine again harshly, and returning it for where it was a couple seconds ago.
"I- I thought you were asleep, I'm so sorry" I say out of fear that I did something wrong and now he's gonna-
"No I wasn't-" he cut my thoughts and turned around, he moved his hand a bit and I flinched, taking my other hand up just in case.
"What are you doing?"
I open my eyes again to see his face getting worried as serious but still remaining very tired. His voice sounded curious but also worried about this instinct to protect myself.
"You thought I was going to hurt you?" I freeze, not doing anything, not wanting to make things even worse. Not wanting to make him angry.
"Lee what's going on?" He sounded worried, like he cared or something. I don't buy it, I don't buy it when people act like they care when they don't have a reason to cause I can't trust them. And more than anything, trust issues is the way my brain thinks like.
I shake my head and turn around, not wanting to answer, hoping he'll leave me alone and won't ask another thing, and more than anything, won't get mad and me and hurt me.
I could hear nothing else, only the silent room.
He said nothing and I just stared at the dark. The weight on the bed shifts again.
I squeezed my eyes shut when I felt him shift over the bed and opened them as I heard the door shutting behind him.
Silent.
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So like, the dying part is like at Ellen's show he said his biggest fear was dying and it reminded me of that so I added the gif up there but you can go and see it yourself if you haven't, it's the burning question thing it was funny cause it supposed to be fast but he did it sooo slowww lol.
I also added the link to the video on YouTube.
Anyways, comment and tell me what you think cause it very important to me to know that. Love you all :)
Oh and if you can vote it's can be very cool of ya haha :) 10 votes as always.. it's not really working but.. yeah..