That week at school, leading up to Guy Fawkes Night on the 5th of November, I could tell that Dylan was more at ease. He seemed calmer and more confident with our relationship. I never noticed how tense and anxious he had been before, but compared to the way he was now I could see how much Jayme had bothered him.
I liked knowing he trusted me. Having him talk to me about his past and Jayme wasn’t easy, and that made it mean so much more. I had brought us closer together. Not only did I trust him, but I know knew that he trusted me, and that was both intense and intimate.
My relationship with Dylan at school brought me no anxiety or self-consciousness; it wasn’t secret, but it was privet. We had found balance which was comfortable for me, and in turn, Dylan. I’d never been a fan of personal displays of affection, and despite Dylan’s taunting and teasing; there were no more theatrical displays of intimacy in the hallways.
As I expected, Thursday was absolutely freezing; it always it on Guy Fawkes Night. I never really understood why people wanted to stand in the freezing cold around a bonfire, watching a fireworks display that commemorated a man that tried to blow up parliament and failed.
Dylan was picking me up at eight and we were making our way to a field just outside of town where there was going to be a big bonfire and fireworks display. I wrapped up warm; scarf, gloves , parka and boots and went to meet Dylan at the car when I heard him pull up outside the house. He was getting out of the car as I made my way towards him.
“In a hurry?” he asked.
“Mum’s home. If you go inside, we’ll be there for a while,” I replied, getting into the passenger side.
“Mum’s do like spending time with me,” he agreed, joining me in the car
“Well, she’ll have to get in line,” I said, leaning in a giving him a kiss. Dylan leaned forward as I pulled away, dragging the kiss out for another few seconds. He smiled at me and started the car.
Kissing Dylan was instinct now. It involved no thinking or planning; it was one of the few actions I allowed to be impulsive and spontaneous, and Dylan appeared to be on the same page. I could tell he no longer thought about how affectionate he could be around me. Before, he was always cautious and slightly hesitant; not wanting to push my boundaries and move too quickly, but he had now realised that it didn’t bother me anymore. We had a synchronised understanding that involved a lot less thinking and a lot more doing.
Dylan found a parking spot in the make-shift car park that was an adjacent field to the one that was filled by a few hundred people. We got out of the car and Dylan pulled a hat onto his head and walked round the car to take my hand.
“I didn’t take you for a hat guy,” I said as we made our way over to the west side of the bonfire where Sam had texted me and told me where they were.
“What made you think that?”
I made a vague gesture at his head. “All the hair.”
Dylan laughed and steered me around a group of people. “You do have a point. But I’ll sacrifice the scruffy hair for a warm head any day. Not to mention, I know I rock the hat.”
“That you do,” I agreed as we approached our friends.
They had gotten together a bunch of deck chairs and blankets, along with a picnic blanket.
We said hi to everyone and took a seat on the picnic blanket next to Cam and Matt, who were playing cards. You really couldn’t take those too anywhere.
I pulled a face at their card playing and Elle caught my eye. She was sat on one of the deck chairs wrapped in a blanket and laughed.
“I know. You’d think he was Cam’s boyfriend instead of mine,” she said, nodding to Matt.
“Babe, you know I love you. I’ve just got to prove to Cam that I am way better at playing cards than him,” replied Matt, placing down another card. It looked as though they were playing-
“Are you guys really playing snap?”
“Yeah, so?” asked Cam, not looking up from the deck.
“Even my sister can play snap,” quipped in Dylan. At that Cam looked up.
“You have a sister? Is she single?”
“She’s six,” replied Dylan, giving Cam a cautious look.
“Well, this conversation just got awkward...” mumbled Cam before turning back to the game.
Everyone cheered when the bonfire got lit and the heat eventually made it warm enough for me to take off my gloves. We all sat and watched the fireworks display which to me was just a waste of money for ten minutes of achieving ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhs’ from the audience. We stayed and chatted while the bonfire blazed on and people started to leave.
I was chatting to Dylan about one of his art projects when Mitch interrupted us.
“What the fuck is he doing here?” he said angrily.
We followed Mitch’s gaze, and sure enough, there was Jayme stood north of the bonfire. He wasn’t looking at us; he was just smoking a cigarette and watching the flames in front of him. I could tell that Dylan had tensed up before looking at him, and I took his hand before speaking.
“If you want to go talk to him, I don’t mind.”
Dylan turned and looked at me, shocked. He opened his mouth to speak but he seemed lost for words.
“I know how you might not like him, but maybe if you speak to him he might leave? Or better yet, he might tell you what he’s actually doing here?”
Dylan glanced over a Jayme before nodding.
“You’re probably right,” he said before getting to his feet. He leaned back down and gave me a quick kiss. “I won’t be long.”
“Dylan-“ warned Mitch, but he ignored him and made his way towards Jayme.
I tried not to stare at them as they spoke, but I kept glancing over at them involuntarily. I wasn’t feeling jealous, but watching them I could see that Dylan had been lying all along.
He didn’t hate Jayme. I could tell by the way listened to his every word, the way he looked at him when he spoke. He they were standing close together and Dylan wasn’t repulsed or uncomfortable with the closeness. He didn’t hate Jayme. He hated what he did to him, and possibly the way he made him fell afterwards, but he didn’t hate him.
What if he still loves him?
I looked away from them both at that thought. Dylan said he wanted nothing to do with him, that he had moved on. But what if he was lying to himself about that too?
I stopped playing with my sleeve and looked back up at them both, just in time to see Jayme kiss Dylan. Dylan didn’t push him away, or seem to respond. When Jayme pulled away he just turned and left, and Dylan remained standing where he was.
What felt like hours later, Dylan turned away from where Jayme had been stood and caught my gaze. His face, which had held a look of confusion, changed to a look of horror. He started to slowly make his way towards me and I stood up.
I made eye contact with Mitch; he had seen what I had.
“Alec just-“
“Guys, I’m not feeling too good all of a sudden, so I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”
I left, not waiting to hear their replies and headed in the opposite direction from Dylan. It wasn’t long before Dylan caught up to me.
“Alec, I’m sorry, will you just wait and-“
“I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
I kept walking towards the car park, Dylan following me closely behind. I couldn’t talk to him right now. I felt numb, and I hated it. I wish I could be angry or upset or- I don’t know! Anything but this. I couldn’t have this conversation with Dylan when I couldn’t feel anything.
It wasn’t until I reached the car park that I remembered that Dylan had drove me here. I turned to face him, conscious that he had been saying my name and trying to talk to me, but I couldn’t listen right now.
“Will you please just take me home?” I asked softly. He seemed startled by my calmness.
“Sure,” he said just as softly.
We walked side by side to the car; Dylan appeared to realise that it wasn’t worth trying to talk to me. I didn’t even feel grateful.
We quickly got into the car and started the journey home. The car ride was quiet, but when we pulled up outside my house Dylan went to speak. I surprised us both by cutting him off.
“Do you love him?” I asked, emotionlessly, staring out of the windshield.
“What?” he asked, slightly confused.
I turned to face him and looked him straight in the eye.
“Do you still love him?”
Dylan clearly didn’t think I was serious. But when I refused to move from the passenger seat he realised I wasn’t leaving until I had a serious answer. He frowned and tried to take me hand, but I pulled away.
“Alec, I just- what do- can we just-“
In that moment, the numbness left. I never imagined that the numbness could be something I would long of, but in that moment I wanted it back. Badly.
I didn’t wait to hear Dylan finish. I opened the car door and made my way to the house as quickly as I could. I knew Dylan was getting out of the car, following me up the driveway.
I made my way to the front door, opened it, and then locked it behind me. Shutting him out.