Abuja, Nigeria.
***
Dear Ya Ashraf,
A lot is happening and I need you, so bad.
I've found Mama. My Mama. Our Mama. I found her..
Earlier today, I saw Amina. Ya Rabeel Aalameen.. you won't believe this but she looks so much like you it's scary. She is tall, so tall.. maybe even taller than me– who knows. She is pretty too MashaAllah and oh My God.. Ya Ashraf I am crying so hard right now it's hard to write.
I want to meet Mama but somehow I don't feel ready. Wait.. did I mention she is blind? Yes! Our Mama is blind.
I don't know how to face her Ya Ashraf, I'm afraid a part of me will not like her because of what I've been through. I don't blame her.. of course not! What happened to me is not Mama's fault but she will definitely blame herself for it.
How do I even narrate the heart wrenching story to her? Maybe I should let her read the letters, it will be easier but then again.. she can't see, how on earth will she read the letters?!
My heart feels so heavy. I can't do this alone. I need you Ya Ashraf, we have to do this together. We are a team. A team! Ashraf and Aamirah.
Khaleel said it's now "Aamirah and Khaleel" but it doesn't feel like it..
Not when he doesn't look at me the same way or touch my hand the way he used to do.
I'm watching him sleep and a part of me wants to run over and confess my undying love for him but then again I can't.
I didn't run away from my rapist, face my demons and fight depression just to end up with someone who doesn't like everything about me.
I am worth more.
I deserve more– right? Yes....I do.
Maybe the day Khaleel understands that then I will confess my love for him in the meantime, I will wait.
I will wait for him because my heart is with him.
With Ibraheem Khaleel.
Love,
Mimi
***
Dear Ya Ashraf,
It's morning and I barely slept last night.
I've accepted the fact that you are not here and I have to do this alone.
I sincerely cannot wait to hug Mama and feel her warmth resonate through my body– sorry you won't get to experience that! I'll hug her longer on your behalf!
Khaleel is still avoiding me. It's hard, really hard but then again he needs to figure out what he wants– alone!
Anyways...today is the day! No more hiding, no more cold feet. I have to do this.
Wish me luck!
Love,
Mimi.
***
Khaleel,
If you see this.. then know words are failing me woefully.
I have so much I want to tell you, so much I want to show you, it's a whole world full of love, just for you.
When your ready, come and look for me because my heart, my best memories and my smile will forever be with you.
You hold the key to my happiness, my Peace.
Thank you forever.
Love,
Mimi
***
Aamirah wiped away her tears. She kissed the notepad Batool gave her awhile ago. The day she urged her to write down her pieces.. all of it. Now that she thinks of it, it seems like forever. A whole world ago. She sniffed back her tears tucking the notepad in Khaleel's bags. She hopes one day he will have a change of heart and maybe he will read her letters, the whole of it.
The door was pushed open causing her to jump up hastily. Khaleel walked inside the room with two mugs in his hand. When their eyes locked, he exhaled deeply knowing without a doubt she cried.
"Mimi, come sit with me"
She obliged walking towards the couch where he is seating. She sat beside him before carefully collecting the mug. "Thank you" she let out a breath taking a sip feeling the hot liquid warm up her empty stomach.
"Don't start" he said, softly. "The tears.. don't start"
That was all she needed to hear because the waterworks fell so fast and hot, Khaleel had to collect the mug and drop it on the center table beside his own before reaching to hug her. Aamirah sink in his hold crying harder, all the memories of when she first met Khaleel float in her head. She held onto his shirt sniffling and shaking.
"It's okay, love" he said holding her longer.
"Khaleel..it's just.."
"I know" he sighed feeling his heart break into thousand pieces. Pieces only Aamirah can restore and fix.
"I have to do this"
He kissed her forehead, "I know"
"I'm leaving"
He inhaled sharply. "Yes, Aamirah, you are"
"Ya Rabbi!" She leaned up glaring at him. "Stop with the toe curling Aamirah"
"What toe curling Aamirah?" He asked with a teasing glint in his eyes depriving a very annoyed sigh from her lips. In that moment, when he burst into laughter trying to catch his breath while she rolled her eyes slightly annoyed, Aamirah knows without a doubt, this is the little moment she will miss.
The moment where Khaleel is being carefree, loving and sweet without any worries in the world. The moment he is staring at her as if she is the only person on earth. The moment he is leaning in so close she can feel the steady beat of his heartbeat and the thick shape of his eyebrows furrowing into one another.
"Your zoning out on me again" He said coughing slightly before regaining his breathing in a rhythm.
"I'll miss you"
A wide smile carve on his lips. "Move closer"
"For what?"
"Move closer, love. You'll see"
She moved a little bit closer but judging by Khaleel's annoyed expression she knows he means closer enough until there is absolutely no space between them. She obeyed silently feeling the increase race of heartbeat against her ribcage. When Khaleel leaned in closer not even her racing heart mattered at the moment.
Not when she can feel his thumb caressing her cheek and his lips covering hers. In a slow, sweet motion as if they have all the time in the world and maybe.. just maybe they do. The world is theirs to live and to hold on longer until they wish to let go.
Aamirah did not let go. She held on tighter as her hand cave around his neck letting his lips work the magic. She didn't feel the demons pulling her down or the fear creeping up her neck. Not at all. She didn't feel a thing...only Khaleel's lips on her. Only Khaleel on her. Working on her. Loving on her.
As if it wasn't more obvious earlier, she breathed, "I love you" into his ear sending thousand fireworks down his body.
Khaleel froze, his hands stayed limp while his lips turned pale cold. "What did you say?"
"Nothing"
He pulled back slightly looking at her in shock. "Aamirah.." he called firmly, anxiously, eagerly.. "What was that?"
The tears leaked from her eyes, "You are not ready to hear that Khaleel.. just.. hold me"
"Say it again!"
But she wasn't ready to cave in just yet so within a blink of an eye, she kissed him longer and sweeter just for the last time before hastily standing up and grabbing her handbag. She didn't even wait for him to recover from the shock or process what just happened.
She left hastily leaving a very, very confused and out of breath Khaleel and a long forgotten cold tea.
Oh...the damn tea!
***
"This is the house.." the driver announced parking the car right in front of the big house, Aamirah's step father's house!
Aamirah let out a nervous shaky breath. Throughout the drive from the hotel she barely looked at Khaleel's direction. Her attention was on the window watching the tall buildings, the busy streets and people bustling up and down. It was exhilarating and the drive seems longer than she wants.
She needs to get out from the car if not.. she won't be able to move! Being in the same car with him is tempting enough let alone looking into his eyes.
Ya Allah!
"Oh, alright" Khaleel nod his head bringing her out of her thoughts.
"Can you please give us a minute?"
The driver paused, "That will cause extra charge Sir, I don't have all day"
"I'll pay double"
Excitedly, the driver was quick to jump and leave the car walking far away for a little stroll.
"Look at me, Mimi"
She bit on her lip hard. No way.. no way! He won't coax her into staying with his beautiful dark eyes and kissable lips.
"Aamirah, look at me, please"
She closed her eyes firmly holding back the tears.
"Please love"
This time she turned around to face him almost immediately. The tears fall down her face painfully and slowly. "I have to go.."
"I'll miss you"
She smile widely, "I'll miss you too"
"Will you be fine? Should I come in with you?"
"No.. I'll go alone"
He was hesitant at first but he finally let go realizing it will best if Aamirah meets her mother alone. Then she won't have to start explaining who Khaleel is.
"Okay then. May Allah be with you"
She quickly wiped away her tears, "And you too Khaleel. Thank you, for everything.. for every moment"
"Don't thank me, Mimi. Thank Allah for bringing us together. Alhamdulilah"
"Alhamdulilah" she echoed before taking another deep breath and holding onto her handbag.
"Is it ready?"
Khaleel furrowed his eyebrows, "What?"
"The divorce papers"
"Not until next week" he replied, "I'll send it to you InshaAllah"
Before she could reply, the driver knocked on the window. Aamirah took that as her cue to leave so with one final goodbye, she unlocked the door and got down.
A part of her is wishing Khaleel will run after her, just like the movies and confess his undying love for her. She hopes he will come running with a bouquet of flowers, a heart melting note and a soul touching speech about how he loved her since day one and he accepts the whole of her. Even the bumps and turns. But of course, he did not because this is not a movie. This is real life.. her life!
With each step she took, her heart breaks sharply. She didn't even look back because she knows if she did, even by mistake, Khaleel will have no choice but to throw her away forcefully.
Swallowing the lump in her throat, she walked inside the house that is fully opened with a security guard seating on a bench talking with another boy.. the boy from yesterday. They stopped talking glancing at her skeptically.
"Assalamualaikum" she said trying to stop her shaky voice.
"Wa'alaikum Salaam.." they replied. "Who are you, please?"
Who is she?
Subhanalilah! What if they throw her out and Khaleel is long gone? Then what?
"My name is Aamirah, I'm here to see Amina"
The boy from yesterday looked at her suspiciously. "Are you her friend?"
"Yes" she lied.
"How come I've never seen you before? I know all of Amina's friend"
"I'm her friend" Aamirah insist.
"No you are not. If you are really her friend you will know her name is Meena not Amina only Mama calls her Amina.."
It was then Aamirah realize she needs to say the truth if not this boy will not let her inside the house. No matter what lie she spills.
"Actually.. I'm her sister"
The boy exchanged looks with the security guard sitting beside him and without any warning, they started laughing.
"Please malama, leave. This hot afternoon we don't have time for drama.. Alhaji is coming home today, please go and save us from his wrath" The security guard said annoyed.
"I'm not leaving until I meet Amina"
The two men stared at her as if she has lost her mind. When the boy from yesterday realized she isn't going anywhere, he sighed standing up.
"I'll call Meena but if she doesn't know you then you have to leave"
Aamirah not her head eagerly. "Thank you"
Almost ten minutes later, the boy returned with Amina walking behind him this time she is draped in a brown hijab. She stared at Aamirah skeptically who is trying so hard to hold back her tears.
"Abdul, I don't know her" Amina whispered to the boy but Aamirah heard. She heard and it broke her heart to hear Amina say that.
"You were just a baby when you left, of course you don't know me" Aamirah said earning weird glances from them.
"Sorry?" Amina asked hiding behind Abdul.
"You couldn't say Ya Aamirah so you called me Ya Mim'" Aamirah recalled feeling the tears fill her eyes.
"Abdul.. this woman is scaring me" Amina said shakily. "I don't know her.."
Aamirah did not even stop to think that Amina doesn't know her.. in all her assumptions, she thought maybe Mama has told Amina all about her and Ya Ashraf. Maybe Mama talks about them all the time, everyday but now realize Mama has never spoken about them to Amina. Not even once. Not at all. Subhanalilah! Her heart cannot handle this much pain.
"Can I see Mama?"
Abdul hissed loudly, "Which Mama? Stop playing with us please.."
"Mama, Hajiya UmmuKhairi"
Amina moved backwards again, "Abdul, close the gate!"
Abdul did not move. "Meena, let her see Mama"
"Abdul!" She gasped. "Are you insane? We can't let a stranger see Mama. Your stupid! Bala.. close the gate!"
Abdul sighed, "Meena I have my reasons. Let her see Mama, please. Trust me. Show her the way"
Amina glared at him hard before reluctantly sighing and asking Aamirah to follow her. They walked further inside the compound to the building by their left.
When Aamirah removed her shoes and entered the well arranged living room. She followed Amina to the first room by the left were they stopped shortly.
"Come in, she is inside"
The room is cold and light. The curtains and drawn open and the ambiance is peaceful. Aamirah could feel the tears washing her face. In a second, when her eyes fell on Mama, a very drained and old version of Mama, the exact opposite of Mama she had in mind, time stopped.
"Amina, is that you?"
Ya Allah! Even her voice feels rough..
Oh! So much time has passed. So much time has gone by!!
"Mama, someone is here to see you"
Aamirah moved closer gently and when her mother set one eye on her, she gasped so loud Aamirah is sobbing proud and ugly.
"Aamirah?"
"Mama?" She cried hugging her frail, old arms. "You can see!"
"Aamirah? Innalilahi wa'ina ilayhi raji'un. Ya Allah, if this is a dream then don't let me wake up. Mimi...Mimi.. is this you?"
"Mamaaa" she cried breathing in her scent. The scent she remembers. At least there is more to Mama she can recall..more to Mama she knows. More to Mama she is at ease with.
"I am home"
"Alhamdulilah.."
***
Assalamualaikum babes🙋🏾♀️
First of all, THANK YOU FOR 100K READS. CRYING AND THANKFUL. 🥺❤️ you guys honestly, truly, sincerely never fail me. You motivated me to write and continue even when I was on the verge of giving up on this story. Giving up on everything here simply because I wasn't in the right head space mentally 😪thank you.. May Allah reward you all abundantly even though you have absolutely no idea how you saved me but you did! You saved us all... Including Aamirah and Khaleel who were drifting away from my head.
Secondly, yes, Khaleel is gone. Aamirah with Mama. Shoot me with your angry comments..I'm ready y'all 😂
Lastly, Three more chapters to go!😭💔 Everyone go and prepare your sad farewell speech!!! I'm crying already 😭
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W many love,
Ammarh💕💕