CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO:
talk me down — troye sivan
tw: vulgar language
( 𝐌𝐀𝐋𝐅𝐎𝐘, 𝟏𝟔 )
Fate was an odd little thing; You see, some people ( those who believed in the beauty of the world and the mystery of the stars ) liked to say that when it came to life, we spin our own yarn, unravel our own threads, write our own tales, and where we end up is really, in fact, where we intended to be to begin with. That every person had the power to change their fate if they were brave enough to fight for what they desired more than everything.
Then there were the cynics. Those who believed that all good things eventually came to an end, that all blooming flowers would one day shrivel up into nothing but heaps of brown and black, their beauty lost to time. They liked to say that fate was never fair and you could never really be in control of the tidal waves and intertwining strings of our lives because you are caught in a current much stronger than the human spirit; struggle against it and you'll probably drown. Swim with it, and maybe you'll survive. Go along with all the pain, suffering, trials and tribulations, and maybe you'll scrape your way out of your miserable life alive.
Draco Malfoy was a cynic.
He believed that fate was cruel and twisted. He believed that there was no winning against the cresting waves that aimed to drown everyone.
Because fuck fate.
Fuck star-crossed lovers. Fuck the red strings tied to your fingers, intertwined and tangled with an infinite number of souls. Fuck the destinies laid out at your feet.
Fate, that left him hollow inside. Fate, that left his family shattered into a million shards. Fate, that led them back to the same damned place again. This time, as two broken people who didn't have the words to scream at one another anymore.
"Meredith!"
( He hadn't called her name in a while. It felt oh so natural on his tongue. )
"You can't just say that sort of thing,"
( "I wanted to choose you." Then why didn't you, Darling? )
"And expect me not to give a damn!"
( Because he cared too much. )
It was quiet outside, the mingling tunes of chatter and music from the party merely reduced to a background hum. There was just so much raging on inside his chaotic mind ( as chaotic as the mind of a scared sixteen year old boy could be ) but he couldn't find it in himself to chase after her, to follow her fading footsteps into the darkness of the castle. He hadn't the energy any longer.
"Come back." He had whispered out, fingers grasping at thin cold air as she disappeared;
Time and time again.
The chill of winter clung to his sleek black suit ( a weak attempt at trying to fit in with everyone ) as he debated on where to go next. Going back to the party seemed rather odd now that his 'date' had technically left even after causing such a big scene to get him into the party in the first place. Going back to the dormitories didn't feel right; it didn't feel right that he should return to the comfort of his bed when there was so much pain lingering in the air around him. Pain that they had caused one another. Time and time again.
He chose a different path instead.
Sometimes, when it all got too much for him, it got too much for his irrational sixteen year old brain to process, too much for his hurting sixteen year old heart to bear, he would escape his reality by going to the one place that grounded him. The one place that brought him an aching pain and yet an odd sense of relief.
( How he wished he could choose a different path for his life too. To rid himself of all these pressures and responsibilities and promises of wrongdoing. To save what was left of his crumbling family and slowly piece it back together, part by part. To just be a sixteen year old boy who loved too much for him to handle once again. He desperately wanted another path. )
"Now, I don't know if you believe in fate, but this is getting sort of ridiculous."
Draco wanted to laugh; whether out of insanity or sheer tiredness, he didn't quite know. Because this was the place he had been coming to to escape, his little slice of heaven, a safe haven amongst the dark plains, and of course, here she was, living and breathing in the flesh, a mess of pink cheeks and tears and equally maniacal laughter.
"I do believe in fate, by the way." She had said to the winter skies above them, breathing in the crisp winds that gently blew throughout the tower, "I believe that we're all meant to be more than our choices and dreams. That we've got our little place in the world." Hers was probably to fight the good fight, to fight for their freedom and justice, while Draco was reduced to living with blood on his hands that couldn't be removed no matter how hard he scrubbed.
He had never killed anybody ( Merlin, even the thought of that made him want to throw up ), but he knew that Katie Bell's blood was on his hands. Even if he hadn't intended to hurt her in any way, he knew that the lingering fear that would remain in her mind for a long time after her fall would be on his hands. And she would likely not be the last victim of his attempts to kill Dumbledore, no matter how hard he would try to keep his hands clean, and that made him sick to the stomach.
"I believe in a...darker version of fate. That we are all fated to one day face punishment for our crimes." Draco answered truthfully. He knew that he would eventually face punishment for the atrocities he had committed and would commit this year.
She rolled her eyes, flinching a little as her arm brushed the cold metal, "Of course Draco Malfoy thinks that. Thinks that—"
"Why are you here?"
She stopped, finally turning her head to glance at him. He might've found it quite beautiful all those months ago, the black night sky sparkling with stars casting a blueish glow against her still beautiful face, but he supposed that with time and age and trauma, his worldview had hardened and he no longer saw as much beauty in the world. No longer saw Meredith Darling as this ineffable ethereal being who could do no wrong even when she broke his heart, but saw her simply as a girl; a broken girl who had been through a lot too and was trying to deal with everything in her own way, trying to solve every problem that arose, combat every demon that attacked.
And he supposed that that was a good thing. Because all those months ago? At this same damned Astronomy Tower? That wasn't Draco realising that he had been in love with her. He loved her, no doubt of that, but it was simply him falling in love with the idea that there was someone who could even try to love him unconditionally. For the longest time, Draco had clung onto the love from his mother and father, hoping that it would suffice him for life as there didn't seem to be anyone else who cared enough, and hence he had very quickly latched onto Meredith as she had chosen him; had decided to help him heal.
He was absolutely infatuated with the idea that Meredith Darling might have been in love with him, and that's why his heart had broken ten times over when she had declared that she couldn't.
"I can't keep giving you excuses, Draco." She sighed, pulling her legs off from the ledge, her dress of sage green tulle falling around her gently. He took another cautious step forward, "Then tell me the truth for once. Why are you here?"
Draco sat, cross-legged, so that they were now on the same level and could finally talk. The distance, although not that great in reality, felt like they were oceans apart in his mind. But he couldn't get too close; not when Meredith Darling had the peculiar effect of drawing people in tantalisingly close, only to pull away at the last second.
"Because this is the place that reminds me..." She trailed off for a moment, "reminds me of which side I'm fighting for." The good side, the eventual heroes of their story, while Draco was stuck on the wrong side of history with the harbingers of death and destruction. "Reminds me of what I gave up to fight with them."
"Do you regret it?" He didn't know where all these accusations and questions were coming from but they seemed so natural in the moment, as if they were questions lingering at the back of his mind for sometime now.
She paused, wrapping her hands around her bare arms ( although there was a heating spell, it could still get rather chilly up in the Tower ). He somehow knew that she spoke the truth as she answered plainly, "Sometimes. Sometimes I wonder how different it would be if I...didn't say those words."
"Would you be happier if you hadn't?" He answered, his voice lost in his throat because he knew what her answer would be. Meredith could only smile bitterly, fingers running through her skirt, "You don't want the answer to that, Draco."
"I tried." He shifted himself closer so that she could still catch his voice amongst the wind, "I tried to change for the better. Because of you." Because of her, Draco had done the stupidest of things. Had nearly cursed his maniacal aunt, had stomped on Potter's face, had felt his face crumble every time he saw her in any sort of pain.
"Don't guilt trip me." She answered sharply, "Don't put it all on me. I tried and I tried to fix you and nothing ever worked. Because this," she gestured to him, "this mean, cold, and prejudiced person you is who you'll always be. I can't change that, no matter how hard I try."
"You can't fix someone!" Draco muttered angrily, feeling his emotions rile up again, "Not when you're this...coward!" He almost regretted the words as soon as they spilled out of his mouth because although he didn't love her as dearly anymore, he would never do anything that brought her harm. Draco might have been harsh, cruel at times, to others, but never to her.
He stared at her figure silhouetted against the sky, no longer standing tall and proud but small and hunched and tired. Oh no—
"I am a coward. And I am not a good person." Meredith had said it as if she had just come to realise it herself, and had suddenly freed herself from hiding this fact from the world. Hiding the fact that she had known all along that she wasn't little-miss-perfect, but simply another scared girl barely willing to fight in a losing war. She wasn't crying, but took a lot out of Draco not to want to reach forward and tell her that—
"And I'm alright with that. I'm alright with being scared, being a coward." She continued, twisting her fingers together, "Because...Fuck, we're not good people, are we? We're not like the rest of them; so willing to lay down their lives for a cause that they can't even see."
Draco laughed ( genuinely, for the first time in a while ), shaking his silver head, coming to the same realisation she just had, "Merlin, no. We aren't good people."
"We're not making a blood pact over this, are we?" He chuckled, feeling some of the tension roll out of his shoulders, "I'm rather squeamish about blood."
The moon had risen to its peak now, filtering through the tall church-like archways that encased the Tower, casting blue planes upon their faces, soft starlight intertwining with their hair. Merlin, he forgot how beautiful it was up here.
"Draco Malfoy, squeamish about blood? No." She mocked, "Not the boy who just had to visit the Hospital Wing for a little scrape he got after Quidditch practice."
"You remembered that?" Draco snorted, fingers running along the spot on his elbow that he had insisted Madam Pomfrey patch up immediately, "Felt like a lifetime ago, doesn't it?" It felt like a lifetime ago that Meredith and Draco could talk like this; so easily, without caring about Voldemort, Potter, or the war around them.
"It was a lifetime ago."
A lifetime ago, where Draco would read the Daily Prophet ( they were still publishing a bunch of rubbish articles ) over breakfast while she would make fun of whatever was the headline for that day as she buttered her toast ( "Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic, says that we're all going to die and honestly? I believe him." ). A lifetime ago, where the two would sit quietly by the fire, pouring over the mounds and mounds of books and homework as they prepared for their big upcoming exams ( "If Professor Flitwick is found dead in a ditch tomorrow, it's not me." ). A lifetime ago, where they were simply two people too caught up in themselves to realise the flaws they had.
And maybe it was good that they had been apart for these months. Because it gave them time to really look at themselves and realise how empty they were without one another and what they had to do to make up for it on their own. Because no two people should ever be broken pieces that fit together, no two people should be separate halves that join at the fold; each person had to be their own first and it had taken Draco sixteen years to realise that.
"I'm sorry for losing a lifetime with you."
Time and time again, Meredith Darling had caught him off guard. Maybe it was her erratic decisions, her absolute disregard for any sort of self preservation, her wavering beliefs or any other odd combination that made her human, but no one quite had the ability to surprise him as she did.
"I'm sorry for leaving you when you needed me most." She swallowed dryly, "I'm sorry for running away when I got scared. I'm sorry for being such a coward, Draco Malfoy." It was almost as if she were about to say more, her lips parting again, but it never comes.
"I'm sorry for everything I've done to hurt you—"
"Stop apologising." Draco chastised, cutting her off before she could continue, "I have no right to accept your apologies. Not when I'm this...what did you call me just now? Right, a 'mean, cold, and prejudiced' bastard."
"I did not call you a bastard—"
"But we keep trying," He cut her off again, "We keep trying because that's all we can really do when we're this fucked up."
She laughed bitterly, wiping away tears that had begun to prickle at her eyes. Draco ignored the ones rolling down his pallid cheeks.
They weren't good people but maybe, just for now, he was alright with that. He was alright with not being a good person because he had Meredith Darling at his side, trying to be better along with him.
And just like that, he had healed his heart a little in the place that it had first been broken.
was i emotional from my period while writing this and therefore used 'fuck' for the first and only time in the fic? yes i was❤️ they are slowly finding their way back together and i'm so fdndnjdnd because i didn't realise this would become slow burn when i started writing it. i almost wrote something different for this chapter (a lot more lighthearted) but i am happy that i decided to write this chapter in the end though, because it really solidifies the idea that meredith and draco are both simply human, both with the ability to break and heal and admit flaws that we all inherently have.
but also, from here on out, i will be deviating from canon a little to give draco a much deserved redemption arc because if i follow canon, he is VERY problematic❤️
remember to vote on this chapter hehe