"Dex, this just isn't working," Amar says to me the moment I come out of the simulation.
A couple of days ago, I'd had a fear where I had fallen from my tree in Amity and I was surrounded by strong-looking Dauntless who offered me a hand up. It was one of the most humiliating experiences I have ever had in my life. I even began to cry before I remembered that Dauntless had no business being on the Amity compound, as the only place they'd be would be on the gate.
When I came out of the simulation, Amar didn't reprimand me for coming out too quickly, but instead looked at me sadly.
He said quietly, "I suppose this explains why you don't want to accept my help." And I realised that he was right. He sighed and shook his head, "Dex, have you not realised that people want to help you because they genuinely care about you? Not because you happen to come from Amity?"
"What?" I asked, stunned.
"Just let me help you," he said, "Not because you're weak or because you're a pansy cake. But because you're Dex and you deserve to live."
I crossed my arms, suspicious, "You don't strike me as the helping type."
Amar laughed, a short, curt bark. He smiled, "No, I'm no Stiff, that's for sure." Then his face grew serious, "But I do want to help you. It'll be nice for me knowing that not every Divergent that appears in Dauntless is going to die."
I shrugged, "Alright."
Amar's eyes widened slightly, "You'll accept my help?"
I glared at him, as I said, "Yes. And I'm not comfortable with it. But if you're sure this is what is going to keep me live, then I have no choice but to accept your help." Amar nodded, smiling slightly to himself. "So, when do we start?"
"Tomorrow," he said, brusquely. I nodded and make my way to the door, but his hand clasped my wrist. "Hold on," he says. He's looking down at wristwatch he's got on. There's a pause as seconds tick by, "Ok, that's seven minutes." He smiled ruefully at me, "Better safe than sorry."
Since then, we've gotten absolutely nowhere. The moment I enter the simulation, it's so obvious that it's not real, that I've been coming out immediately. And what's more, I've been coming out the 'Dex' way, the Divergent way. The smashing-through-imaginary-walls-that-aren't-really-there way.
With the past two sessions, Amar just pursed his lips, but remained upbeat. This time, however, he's openly admitted that it isn't working.
I look at him and sigh. The stress is getting to both of us. We didn't have much time to get this right to start with, and tomorrow, the time averages will be revealed.
"I know," I say. I glance at him, "Do you know what my score will be tomorrow?"
Amar sighs, "Not exactly. But I know it's bad, far worse than the other Divergents."
I sigh again, and say quietly, "What do you think will happen to me?"
Amar sits down heavily on a stool, "Dex, I-"
"The truth," I say, staring at him.
He holds my gaze for a few seconds and then drops it. "I might as well know Amar," I prompt.
"I know," he says, and then he looks at me, "Best case scenario: They'll think your score is just pure luck or something."
"And worst case scenario?" I ask.
Amar sighs again, and this time his voice his so quiet that I can barely hear him as he says, "The Dauntless leaders watch your simulation, find out your Divergent and chuck you in the Chasm." The words are blunt and to the point.
"And there's no chance I can fight them off." I say.
Amar shakes his head, "No, I'm sorry Dex. I truly am."
"Why are you apologising? It's not your fault I'm going to be thrown into a Chasm."
"I could've done more."
"Could've done what, exactly?" I say bitterly, "Whatever you wanted to do, I wouldn't have let you."
We sit in silence for a bit, before Amar says quietly, "There is someone who could help."
"Who?" I ask, jerking my head up to meet his.
"A tattooist," he says, grabbing a piece of paper, tearing a corner off it and scribbling something down, "Her name is Tori. She's tall, Asian, in her 40s and has two tattoos on her neck and arm. Hard to miss. Ask to get a tattoo and then give this to her." He holds the piece of paper out to me. "Then she'll know I sent you."
I don't take the note. "But then I'll have to get a tattoo." I object.
"Yeah?" Amar says, "And?" He waves the paper in front of me.
"It means I'll be lying to myself about who I am."
Amar stares at me, and then says, "Well, just get one that means something to you, then." He forces the piece of paper into my hand.
"Like what?" I ask stubbornly.
He rolls his eyes is exasperation. "Like, I don't know," He waves his right hand in the air vaguely as if trying to capture an idea, "Like, a lion. You're pretty fierce."
"But I'm a human." I object.
"Then get a Dauntless symbol. You consider yourself to be brave, don't you?"
"But I'm not Dauntless yet."
Amar swears under his breath, and then says, sounding stressed, "Just get a tattoo! Any tattoo! It's that or your life! You understand?"
I frown. "Fine." I say curtly. I crumple the piece of paper into my fist and leave the room.
As I head outside, I see that the others are chatting in the hall outside the door. Plato is yet to go in.
"Hey Dex," says Sam, "Do you want to go and get some food with us?"
"I'm going to get a tattoo," I say. Saying 'no' would have been a lie.
"Oh," Sam blinks in surprise.
"Do you want us to come too?" Amy asks.
"No." I reply.
"Ok, well, see you later then, I guess?" Sam asks, as he and the others begin to head to the Cafeteria.
"Sure." I say, and begin making my way towards the Pit.
Plato grabs me by my arm, as the others walk off. "You ok?" He asks.
"No." I say, but then, seeing his face, I add, "But I will be." Plato nods, his face worried, as Amar calls the next person to go in.
I head into the Pit. The music is, as always, loud and blaring. Normally it would make me smile, but the song booming out from the loudspeaker now is titled, 'In the Face of Death'-a popular number created by the Dauntless themselves. So it's near impossible to forget about my own potential fate looming over me.
Clutching the note tighter in my hand, I scan the tattooist section for any sign of the woman Amar described. Going through with this feels weird, but I've accepted Amar's help now and I can't go back on it.
As I approach the tattooist's stand, I spot a tall, pretty, Asian woman, with ebony black hair. As she turns around to talk to a Dauntless man, I see a tattoo on the back of her neck-this is her. This is Tori.
The Dauntless man turns around to talk to another customer and I head towards Tori.
"Tori." I say, and she turns round to face me.
She raises an eyebrow, "Can I help you?"
I thrust out the note to her, "I was told to give you this." She raises her eyebrow even higher and carefully uncrumples the note, pursing her lips slightly as she scans the words on the page. Finally, she says, "Ah, so you're that kind of customer. Well, I'm sure we'll find a tattoo that's perfect for you. Please follow me."
I stand there unmoving, confused, "But Amar said-"
Tori grabs me by my arm, and, shooting a glance at her colleague, says loudly, "Don't worry. There's a tattoo for everyone." She pulls me into a row of shelves, with me dragging my feet behind her. She opens a tattoo book, and asks loudly, "Now, which one do you like best?"
I frown. This is not how I envisioned our conversation going.
"I think Amar must have given you the wrong note," I begin, "I was told you-"
Tori's nails pierce my skin on my upper harm, and her dark eyes flash dangerously as she hisses, "Look, we can talk when I give you a tattoo, understand? It'll be quieter then?" I nod, and then she pulls away from me, and says loudly, "The Dauntless symbol? Perfect. Follow me."
"But I-" I protest, but Tori grabs my arm again and leads me over to a room full of needles. She shuts the door behind her and turns on a machine which begins whirling away.
"I didn't ask for a tattoo!" I say, "I want-" I cut off, at first, unable to say the word, but then add quietly, "help."
Tori eyes me unsympathetically, "Well, if you want help, a tattoo is the price. Now come and sit down in this chair." She points to a chair underneath the machine. Reluctantly, I sit down and glance at the machine nervously.
"Where do you want the tattoo?" She asks business-like, as if I'm just a normal customer.
"Uh," I glance at her bewildered and then look down at my body, "My wrist, I guess?"
"Right or left?" I glance down at my wrists and Tori sighs, "Left it is then." She grabs a needle and attaches it to the machine, "Stay still," she commands, "This won't hurt a bit."
"Ow!" I protests as the needle sinks into me.
"Ok," says Tori smoothly, "Did you look at the note Amar gave you? Did you read it at all?"
"No." I say, "Why would I?"
Tori sighs, "Definitely not Erudite then." She shows me the note. It reads: She's like me. Help her just like you helped me. -Amar.
I blink at it, "What's that supposed to mean?"
Tori sighs again, "It means that I helped Amar survive last year."
"You mean, because he's Di-"
Tori covers my mouth, "Seriously, kid. Don't ever say that word. Ever. Not even in here. Got that?" I nod. She uncovers my mouth. "Good, now what is it that you wanted to know?"
I blink, "How do I get through my second stage of training?"
She stares at me, and then says, "Amar must be really desperate if he's sending you to me for that. I have absolutely no idea."
I frown, "But Amar said you could help!"
Tori sighs in frustration, and pinches her nose with the hand that's not holding a needle, "Ok, I don't know how to get through the second stage of training. But if the Dauntless leaders find you out, then there's still a chance you will survive."
I blink, "Ok. Tell me."
"The Dauntless leaders like to dispose of the evidence, aka any people like you, at dark. Meaning, if they find you out during the day, you have a few hours before anything happens to you."
"How do you know?" I ask.
"It happened to my brother, ok?" She says. Her face is lowered as if she's concentrating on the tattoo she's doing, "He disappeared in the night. They don't want any Dauntless members getting suspicious so they do it when everyone is asleep."
"But how does that help me?"
She shrugs, "It might give you time to board a train and get out of here."
"And go where, exactly?" I ask harshly.
She shrugs again, her eyes not quite meeting mine, "The only place you can go. Factionless." She lifts up the needle from my skin, and says, "There. All done." I glance down to see the Dauntless symbol imprinted onto my wrist. Ironic, really, considering I might not make it into Dauntless.
"Thanks." I say, moving from my chair.
"No problem," she says, and moves to turn the machine off. Then she glances at me and says, "If your name is in the first slot tomorrow, you've just got to hope that the Dauntless leaders aren't that observant and that others have done well too."
I nod and move towards the door, my left wrist clasped in my right.
"What's your name?" Tori calls, turning off the machine.
"Dex." I reply.
She nods and says, almost to herself, "I'll do my best to remember that." Then she turns to me, and after the machine goes silent, her voice sounds surprisingly loud.
"Dex," she says, "Promise me you'll do whatever it takes to survive."
"I promise."