Ever since I was young I had always believed that in order to feel lonely, you had to be alone. Isolated from others. Trapped with no one but yourself.
Sadly enough, it had taken me quite some years to realize that that couldn't be further from the truth. Now I knew. You don't need to be alone in order to feel lonely.
Laughter made my eyes snap up. Then a voice. "She's such a whore"
I sighed as Ashley shook her head, my fingers reaching out to my temples. Here we fucking go again.
"I can't believe Jeremy hasn't dumped her ass yet", another one of the girls chirped in. I closed the little black book in my lap and looked at the group of girls that stood a few feet away from me, their scrutinizing eyes glaring at a girl down the hall.
Ashley stood in the middle of them, tall and confident. She was one of those girl, where I knew from my very first day, that she had belonged with the popular kids.
"I really don't understand what he sees in her", she said, frowning her brows as she turned back to the group of girls. "She's not even that pretty"
Nodding, her friends seemed to agree with the tall blond.
There were many things I hated about high school, but this, was by far the worst. The level of judging and belittlements that worked its way through the hallways on a daily basis, never failed to baffle me.
"What the hell are you looking at?"
I jerked out of my thoughts, my stomach turning as I noticed the icy blue glare that had found its focus on me. Now this, this is just great.
Perfect. Fucking splendid. Exactly what I needed...
I gulped down the lump in my throat, my nails digging in my palms as I plastered on a smile. Just smile.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to", I said.
Her eyes assessed me for a few seconds. One brow raised, then lowered again before a bored sigh slipped from her lips.
"Whatever. Let's go"
I breathed out as she turned her back to me. The girl reeked of drama, and I planned to stay the hell away from it.
"Who even is that?" one of the girls muttered and Ashley shrugged, her reply barely reaching me as she strut away.
"Don't care"
And then I was alone again, my shoulders relaxing. I reached out for the little book again, eyes drifting over the fine black lines of the page.
Truth is, no one actually likes being alone. Some have just gotten more used to it than others. And some have gotten so used to it, they don't know any better.
Great. Now I've made myself sad again.
Pushing of the heavy feeling in my chest, I reached for the buzzing phone in my pocket. I dragged my finger over the cracked screen, my glare harsh and cold as I stared at the caller ID. For the third time today, I instantly pressed the decline button. Not fucking today, satan.
"Uhm"
I looked up, this time a friendlier face greeting me.
"First of all. Why are you sitting here during lunch when you could be sitting with friends in the cafeteria?" my cousin asked, frowning as she assessed me on the side of the stairs. "And second. Why did I just witness Ashley yelling at you, and you, doing nothing about it?"
"I didn't let her yell at me. I avoided unnecessary drama", I said. "There's a difference"
"And why are you here and not in the cafeteria?"
I shrugged. "It's quiet here"
"Ella", Michelle started with my name. Oh boy...
"I don't want you to feel lonely here"
I almost laughed out loud before glancing down at the little book in front of me. I had learned many rules to feeling lonely, some a little heavier than the other.
For instance; Feeling lonely sucks, but pretending you aren't is worse.
I heaved in a deep breath before glancing up. "I'm not lonely"
"It's been two weeks", she sighed and plopped down next to me. "I'm not allowing you to spend our senior year like this"
Starting senior year at a new school was exactly how I thought it would be. Scary yet bland, and I just couldn't way to get it over with.
I didn't look at her but kept my gaze to the passing students. Some were laughing with each other, other's eyes were glued to books or papers and then there were the ones that just passed by.
Taking my hand, Michelle linked our hands before she spoke again, "I know a new school isn't easy but why don't you just talk to some people? Try to make friends?"
"What if I don't feel the need to make friends?" I muttered.
"You and I both know that's bullshit", her voice raised slightly. I finally looked at her again, a pair of dark brown eyes and long chestnut hair that mirrored my own. Her brows were drawn down and I didn't even need to hear the words to know what she was about to say, the careful yet unsure look that crossed her features speaking loud and clear.
"They're not all going to be like him" And there it was. A seemingly encouraging sentence yet it made my skin crawl and my stomach lurch. I jerked up, her hand slipping from mine as I threw my things on my bag.
"Ella, I didn-"
"Look", I cut her off, my fingers fidgeting with the edges of my sweater. "Can we just not talk about him? Like ever again?"
She gave me the look, the look I had gotten way to familiar with, before getting up as well. Her lips parted, ready to speak, when I voice from behind me interrupted her.
"Him?"
I recognized Adam's voice but refused to turn around.
"Do I sense boy drama? Didn't know you had a boyfriend, sweet cheeks"
I huffed out a sigh. God, his presence bothered me. If it hadn't been for the fact he was my cousin's boyfriend, I would have punched him in the face already. SwEeT cHEekS.
"Oh, no. Ella doesn't have a boyfriend", Michelle replied, her eyes soft as she gazed over my shoulder. If I just gave him back for long enough, would he just go away.
"I find that very hard to believe" I suppose not...
Pressing my lips together, I quickly gathered my stuff and aimed to move right past Adam. What I hadn't counted on was for a second person to be standing next to him.
Crashing right into him, I cringed as all my stuff fell from my hands. Could today get any worse?
"Shit", I cursed, bending down. Scowling at the mess in front of me, my hands made quick work of loading the books and notes on one arm. And then another pair of hands entered my vision.
"I'm sorry, I didn-", my lips sealed shut as I glanced up, staring right back into the deep gray eyes of Liam Marshall. Well damn...
I had learned his name rather quickly. It had only been 10 minutes after I had first entered this stupid school, eyes and whispers following the beloved quarterback as he had strutted through the hallway. Not judging, cause, well, I had been one of them.
A muscular arm reached out from under the light denim jacket that was draped over his shoulders, soft dimples poking his cheeks as his lips quirked up.
"You dropped this", he said.
I visibly gulped and his smile only seemed to widen. Then I noticed the little black book in his hand.
"Thanks. I'm-, uh" I stopped myself again, my arms filled with my stuff as I got back to my feet.
"I'm sorry", I tried again. "I didn't see you"
"Don't worry about it", Liam waved his hand.
Straightening back to his full height, he pushed a hand through his long golden locks and I found myself watching him once again. My lips frowned down. He had no business being that handsome.
"You okay?" I finally looked away from Liam, glancing back at Michelle and a grinning Adam, his arm loosely wrapped around my cousin's waist.
"Yeah. You alright there, sweet cheeks?"
My jaw clenched as he tilted his head to the side because no, I was not okay.
I just wanted to have some kebab and go home. Instead, my cousin's asking me annoying questions, her annoying ass boyfriend is being his annoying ass self, the amount of handsomeness on his friend is getting me all flustered, and now I'm very much craving some kebab.
So no, I AM NOT OKAY.
Instead, I said. "I'm fine"
Throwing my bag over my shoulder, I focused on my cousin. "Can I go now?"
"But I just..", she started, "I just want you to have a nice time here and frie-"
"Stop", I cut in again, my eyes narrowing in on the brunette. She's really going to push this, with these two guys here?
Feeling all the eyes on my yet again, my cheeks slowly started to color up.
"I do have friends", I scowled. And I didn't even care who it was as long as it meant getting the hell away from all these people.
Darting my eyes around, I quickly found a familiar face in the crowd. Fiery red hair and lips that never seems to stop moving, not even when teachers had told her to shut up.
"She's my friend", I mumbled, finger pointed to the redhead.
Michelle frowned. "Sophia?"
Remember when I said today couldn't possibly get any worse? That was a joke. Big, big joke.
At the sound of her her name the girl turned, big green eyes glancing our way.
"You're friends with Sophia?" Michelle repeated, making me want to slam my head against the wall.
The redhead's brows drew together and I closed my eyes. Dear floor, swallow me whole.
But then, to my surprise she spoke. "Totally. Me and Ella sit together in math"
One eye snapped open. No we don't.
"We've chatted a couple of times", she added and my frown only grew deeper. No we haven't.
"You wanna get to class together?"
I blinked once. Twice.
"Yeah. Sure?" it almost sounded like a question. My arms tightened around my stuff as I turned to Michelle, pushing my lips to turn up."I'll see you later?"
Her gaze flickered from me to Sophia, then back to me.
"Sure", she said finally. "I'll call you"
"Great"
I didn't wait for another response and started walking. To my luck, Sophia followed.
"You're a lifesaver", I said, throwing a glance back.
"No worries", she chuckled. "I'm Sophia, by the way"
"Ella", I told her. Our pace slowed as more students crowded the hallway and I finally pushed myself to meet her gaze.
"I just really needed to get away from them"
"Believe me, I get it. Those two practically swallow each other whenever they make out"
It came before I could stop it, but I laughed. Genuine laughter.
Shifting my arms around my stuff, I said "That's nothing"
One of her brows quirked up and I shook my head. "You should see them when they're of school property"
She turned forward, her face scrunching up. "These images are going to haunt me forever"
And with a smile, I followed her into the classroom.
UNKNOWN P.O.V.
I nodded to my friend before turning back to the passing students that crowded around the hallway.
Recognizing the tiny redhead, my eyes zoned in one the unfamiliar brunette next to her. She looked ridiculous as her arms wrapped around a massive pile of stuff, a bright red bag uselessly hanging over her shoulder. Big brown eyes turned to Sophia and then she laughed. Laughed to the point her cheeks blushed up.
I scoffed. And yet another person who believes she running on the clouds, shitting out rainbows. Like this school didn't have enough of those...
"Something wrong?" my friend's shoulder bumped mine and I look away from them.
"No", I said. "It's nothing"
"Alright. So what are the plans tonight?" his focus went back to the others and unconsciously, my eyes drifted back to the girls.
The brunette shook her head and shifted her arms around her stuff, completely oblivious to the black notebook that slipped from her grip. And then the two walked away.
My eyes flickered from her retreating back to the item on the dirty tiled floor. It shouldn't be left there now, should it...
My lips curved up and my feet moved without a second thought.
Picking it up, I flipped it open to the first page.
Rules to feeling lonely by Ella Clark.
My brows drew down as I skipped to another page.
Friends have always come and gone for me.
It was only a few months ago that I realized that friends, real friends, are the ones that put in the effort to stay around. Even if it's from afar, they'll be the ones asking around how you're doing. Not because they feel like they have to, but because they want to. Because they genuinely care that you live your happiness to its fullest potential.
Knowing this, I realized I've never had a true friend.
My gaze flickered up, back into the direction she'd just disappeared in. My stomach felt heavy. My heart felt heavy. I wish I could say I didn't understand why but I did.
Pain was a crushing emotion, one that could leave you wounded and aching. Or confused, because you had hoped for notes on trigonometric equations.
I breathed out and closed the book, pressing it firmly to my chest. And then I wondered.
What had hurt Ella?
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So I'm currently busy with rewrites and edits (cause I'm as lazy in writing as I'm insecure about it) so opinions would be very, very appreciated. Same goes with grammar corrections.
Again, thank you so much for reading! Hope you have a great day.