tw intrusive thoughts, thoughts of self harm, poor body image, etc
tylers pov
my feet are cold as i step into the shower and instantly let my body slide down into a sitting position.
concerning to me, since ive noticed this routine become more frequent. i dont want to be that kind of person, not as bad as i was. not again.
it takes a while, but my body slowly starts to warm up to the water. its hard because i dont want to get my head wet, but i manage. the only part of me thats cold is my feet still, and parts of my back.
reluctantly, i let my head tilt forward into the spray.
mom always said that cold feet came from not washing them well enough. my toes hurt. throbbing pain.
i feel my body squish and squeeze under me, moving right along with my every breath. stretch marks and unknown scars litter my thighs, and my knees, and my calves, making me cry for the first time.
silent sobs and screams and soft whimpers. i cant feel any tears through the water.
random things pop into my brain, making me cover my head in shame. everything feels so yucky, i want it to stop.
sitting back, i whimper out a 'stop', and then imagine myself in scenarios that i deserve but feel so gross. eariler, i wouldve wanted it, or wished it upon myself, but now it makes me want to scream. why is everything suddenly changing?
im so unhappy with who i am. how i look.
i barley even know who me is anymore. i cant even look in the mirror.
more things pop up, and i subside the tears, for now.
trauma can be caused from anything and everything, they say, but even if i have it, i cant have it. it wouldnt be traumatic enough for others to validate, and it hasnt happened more than once or twice. im just senstive when it comes to stupid little things.
the counselor never lets me speak about these kinds of things. its always easy things, never anything deep or upsetting. i just tell her why i cried and she nods and changes the subject. i feel bad.
god, im sitting in the tub. sitting during a shower. in this position? im doing so much worse than last time.
i start to cry again, the same silent screams and soft whimpers coming out. i want to let everything out so bad, but mom is home.
bad bad bad bad bad yucky yucky yucky yucky damaged piece of fuck.
what the hell.
im not damaged. i cant validate my own emotions because i hafta be normal!
oh, who am i kidding.
more sobs.
i want to be able to blame my feelings on something and thats why i say im depressed. i dont want to live with the fact that im just going through a phase, i want something to be wrong. nothing feels right, im so out of place.
so out of place.
scrubbing hard at my now warm feet, ive stopped crying. again. a thought enters my mind as my foot starts to burn.
what if what if what if
arms and legs.
god, its so tempting, huh? whats stopping me, really? theres nothing that can stop me.
i start crying again, like a little pussy.
meow. little pussy.
who dont you just do it already? it would be so easy, remember the statistics? open your mouth, baby, breathe it in.
god i fucking hate this body.
i hate my chest. i hate my tummy to my thighs. i hate all the squishy parts of me that dont belong.
sob sob sob.
it takes some time, but i turn off the water and stop crying, only to sit in the tub and feel full of shame and guilt.
and then a towel is wrapped around my fragile, porcelain skin. notifications from group chats that have me as their last worrry. i clear all.
i dont turn on my light once i reach my room, i just stand in front of the heater and think of all my mistakes. soon, i just sit down, and i stay there for a long, long time.
i start to cry again. its so fucking easy to just do it, i know. long sleeve weather is right around the corner, and no one will ever know.
the weather will be up to 73 degrees tomorrow. thats way warmer than today.
he still hasnt answered me. i miss him, but do i really?
what the hell is wrong with me?
what the hell is wrong with you????
and, after all of this, my feet are still fucking cold.
not this being a vent of what just fucking happened to me LMAOAOAOO