Hands fiddling with the tiles of the piano. it was the only thing that could bring peace to my mind. The smooth sound that comes out of the piano when my fingers touch it, the impressive feeling of my muscles remembering exactly how to move— without me having the smallest thought about where to now.
🎶I'm jealous of the rain-🎶
I began singing after finishing the intro.
Jealousy and envy, cruel feelings of the mind and heart— to wish that you had something that another person has. People always wish they had something they have never had. and what most cruel about it, is that people can't control this feeling at all. You can think that a person has it all but truly he has nothing, Mostly you'll think it about those rich ass people cuase mainly they have money and money can solve lots of problems right?
because its all about money. What is money? Money is basically a thing that almost everybody wishes for, but why? Not necessarily because they are greedy, but to feel alive. But why does having money make you feel alive? Why having a piece of paper, or a stupid credit card makes you feel alive? It actually doesn't. We think so because we look at other people, envy their power and ability to travel and buy things that most of us might can't, but are they truly alive? Or are they just showing it??
"🎶That falls upon your skin
It's closer than my hands have been-🎶"
If they have money, and they can travel the world, having all that we desire, things that we might can't get, does it mean they are more alive than us?
Well, ask yourself this. Why do they have money? Why do they deserve it and why don't we? Why do they deserve travelling the world and seeing places, places that we seek and can't find, places that we want to go and be at but can't, why is that?
"🎶I'm jealous of the rain-🎶"
Sacrifices. They sacrifice things that to us, might be too much, might look too important, might look like we really need it. They truly sacrifice things that we might can't, and then, they arrive to where they are today. or maybe they just had borne into the "right family" right? So we talked about envy right? Jealousy? I'm not jealous of them "living the life I want to have" basically because it isn't the life I want. I don't wanna sacrifice my complete soul for having money, that by the way, I don't really need, I love *living* my life.
living is to fear sometimes and look around and seek for new things, living is not being born and already being at the top.
Living is to be born into a complete new life and to search how I can do it myself, how can I be at the top, not because of my money. But because of my struggles, my strength, my will, my skills. Ways that I don't have to sell my soul to the devil.
Take an example.
I love running around and playing basketball. Nobody looks at me like a rich person and asking why am I doing it, cause nobody has expectations from me and I love it, I love living my life without people getting into it, I love my silence and I love being myself. I love my privacy and I love to do as I wish. I don't see a rich guy just walking around the street and people won't look at him like a serious person and envy his job, envy his life, envy his children for living such an amazing life all just from judging.
I don't envy it.
I don't envy them. if right now they would want to go and play basketball. People will be like "omg I would have never guessed" or "they look so busy. I thought they actually have no life after work, if they even have time after" talking about them like they are workaholic. Maybe they are, but still, does it mean they can't do it? I don't envy the way people will look at them and I don't envy their "perfect" life cause I don't know it all and I don't wanna know. I don't envy what I don't fully know.
"🎶I'm jealous of the wind-🎶"
I feel like I should introduce myself. I'm April Hunter but don't call me that. Only my friends call me by my real name and since I don't have mush of friends, nobody really calls me that. I have nothing to show and nothing to give. I'm a complete useless person. I never show emotion or empathy. I never show if I'm hurt or sad cause as weird as it sounds, I never am. I'm just full with anger and when things are tough I run or laugh like they are not. I live with my mum and brother in a small town in England, you might have heard of it, Holmes Chapel. A lot of people visit here and I really have no idea why, it's nothing special but everybody acts like it is. Maybe it is, I wouldn't know cause I moved here a year ago..
"🎶That ripples through your clothes,
It's closer than your shadow,
I'm jealous of the wind-🎶"
Jealous. Labrinth.
Such a beautiful song to describe the feeling of jealousy of a person who loves a person but can't have him. The feeling of the hate towards yourself that the one you love is happy without you. You aren't enough. You'll never be. You envy the one who is. you envy even the most simple things that can touch it as if the rain and the wind.
"🎶'Cause I wished you the best of
all this world could give-🎶"
I wish I knew what he's talking about, but poetry only interests me simply because I have no idea what they were talking about while writing what they did. I always understood it, plainly I mean, I could understand the words they're saying, I could understand that they were hurt, but I simply couldn't feel for them. I couldn't understand those feelings. Simply, cause I don't feel. It's all simple to me but hard for people to understand. Nobody likes me because of that. I won't care if you'll leave me, I won't care if you'll stop talking to me, if you'll begin fighting with me I will just keep listening to the music running up to the earbuds into my ear and ignore you completely. Simple cause I don't care. Yes I'm cold. Yes I'm apathetic. Yes I'm lackadaisical. Call me however you want, again, I don't really care.
"🎶And I told you when you left me
there's nothing to forgive.
But I always thought you'd come back,
Tell me all you found was heartbreak and misery.
It's hard for me to say,
I'm jealous of the way you're happy without me.🎶"
I simply don't understand what can be so sad by being not enough for someone, I'm pretty much used to it, I live it. I have no one that I can hurt, no one that I could break his expectations and let him down, it's a simple life.
"🎶I'm jealous of the nights
that I don't spend with you.
I'm wondering who you lay next to.
Oh, I'm jealous of the nights.🎶"
As I keep playing the piano, my mind is completely empty from thinking about this morning. I have no worries, just playing the piano as always, thinking about things that I don't know.
"🎶I'm jealous of the love,
love that was in here
gone for someone else to share.
Oh, I'm jealous of the love🎶"
Love is a nice word. Doesn't mean anything to me but it's a nice word, there are two kinds of people; the ones that say that money is the thing that runs the world and the other kind. The more pathetic ones that believe that love is the only thing that matters for a healthy life, the passion and care for another person, this feeling that keeps you going, makes you stronger. Love is the strongest thing that exists and it is the thing that runs the world. I believe it's both bullshit.
"🎶'Cause I wished you the best of
all this world could give.
And I told you when you left me
there's nothing to forgive.
But I always thought you'd come back,
Tell me all you found was heartbreak and misery.
It's hard for me to say,
I'm jealous of the way you're happy without me🎶"
Now to the annoying switch which I can never perform.
"🎶As I sink-🎶"
Terrible sound out of the piano.
Another one out of my throat.
The only thing I feel is anger. In my life I have nobody to let down except myself. My mum couldn't care less and so as my brother. He loves me with all of his heart but it's hard for him. I think Shawn is the only person that when he's close to me, I can truly feel something. Him and Michael. It's small but it exists. He thinks I'm too hard on myself. I hate ruining music. Especially when it isn't mine to ruin. Music is pure. Music is thoughts and emotions that gets into millions of pages and sheets, it's the history of million lives that passed here on earth. I hate ruining it.
I get up from the chair in front of the piano, take the chair and push it with force to the front, close to the door.
"fucking shit!"
Always ruining it. Just like dad always says. Or used to, at least.
I fell to the ground. My back to the piano. Angry with myself. The only thing I can feel is anger, misery and pure hate. And all of this, towards myself.
"Hey, hey—"
I hear a soft, deep, raspy voice following by fast heavy footsteps.
"What are you doing?"
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That's for now :) what do you think? 5 votes for next part!!
Btw the first parts are gonna be quite short but I promise as much as the story will go on I'll write more and more and try to keep uploading more and more, love y'all!!!!