"What?! What's wrong!?" Caleb came rushing blindly with tired eyes into my room.
I couldn't stop screaming. I was dying, I knew it for sure. This had never happened before and I didn't know what to think.
"Oh my god Tabitha?! Are you hurt?!"
I kicked at the covers, still screaming as if that would make it go away.
"I'm gonna get my parents." He rushed. His voice was panicked, and even he looked scared.
I was still screaming when they came rushing back into the room. "Oh my god Tabitha!" His mother rushed to comfort me. She cooed soothing nothing's into my ear. "Help me get her to the bathroom!" Caleb went to my other side and helped her lift me off the bed. His dad rushed to get his keys.
Once we were in the bathroom, Rachel ushered her son out. "Go and get Bella. You have to stay here with the kids." He has a terrified look as he nodded and made his way out as quickly as he could.
My screams had turned to cries as I didn't know what was happening to me. She helped me change and then she and his dad rushed me towards the emergency room.
"You'll be fine Tabitha love." She rubbed my hair as she sat in the back seat with me. "You'll be fine." She had a knowing look on her face as if she knew exactly what was going on.
******
"Three weeks along." I heard a voice say from the hallway.
My eyes were tired, my voice hurt from screaming, and my entire body ached. It was well after three in the morning, a hospital was the last place I'd expected to be.
I was lying on my side, tears still streaming silently down my face. I knew from the deepest part in me that whatever was going on, wasn't good.
I heard footsteps and then, the bed jostled lightly.
"Tabitha honey," Rachel's soft voice started. "Is there something you would like to tell me, just between us girls?" I couldn't see her face, but her voice was sad.
I shook my head. What was there to tell? I just wanted to know why I had almost bled out without reason or cause.
"Am I dying?" I asked in a hoarse, scared voice.
She chuckled sadly. "No honey, you're not."
"Mrs. Folk can I have a moment with Miss Long please?"
The weight on the bed disappeared and a door shut quietly, I knew we were alone.
My doctor was a middle-aged woman with prominent features and bright eyes.
"Tabitha hun,"
I turned to face her with an annoyed look on my face. Couldn't they just stop with the pet names and tell me what was wrong.
"Do you know what a miscarriage is?" She asked gently.
My eyebrows pushed together. The word was familiar, but I wasn't sure if I knew exactly what it was.
"Doesn't it have something to do with babies?" I croaked.
She nodded. "Yes, it does."
"And," I prompted.
"Well, the definition of a miscarriage is the expulsion of a fetus from the womb before it is able to survive independently."
I sat forward now. What did that have to do anything with me? I wasn't pregnant.
"What?" I asked, my voice becoming smaller.
"A miscarriage is when a mother loses a baby Tabitha." She dumbed down.
"But, I...I don't understand, what does that have to do with me?" What she was saying just wasn't registering in my brain.
"Tabitha, I'm sorry, but you had a miscarriage, you lost your baby." She said somberly. "Now there are many people here that are more then willing-"
"Wait, stop." I cut her off with a waive if my hand as I rubbed my temples. "I-I wasn't...I wasn't pregnant. I would have known." I mean how could someone not?
"Tabitha, you were three weeks along." She said as if she were speaking to a small child.
I shook my head, starting to feel the sting of tears. "No, you're lying! I would have known that I was pregnant."
"It's not uncommon for a mother to go about her life as normal and not even realize she's pregnant for the first four or five weeks."
"But I'm not pregnant!" I cried.
"Not anymore dear, no." Her eyes were full of sympathy.
That's when I thought about it all: the sickness, the fatigue, the weird dreams, the irritability, all along I had been pregnant. And now, just like that, I wasn't. I wasn't sure if I was relieved or devastated. I was sure it was a little of both.
"But...but," I cried. "H-how? What...what did I do wrong? How did I lose my...how did I lose it?" I couldn't bring myself to say baby. Although it was probably just a few cells at the time, it would have eventually grown into a baby, my baby.
My doctor tried to comfort me. "Oh no, don't blame yourself dear. This is a common thing at the stage you were in. Especially in teen mothers."
That's when the shock hit me. I would have had a baby in high school. I would have been a teen mother!
I covered my face and did my best not to cry. "Can I have a moment?" My voice broke.
I listened as the door shut quietly, letting myself take everything in. How had I let this happen? It was my fault, I somehow damaged yet another life. Another thing had been snatched away from me. Of course I didn't want to have a baby now, especially not in high school, but I would have. I would have loved it with everything in me. It would have been another living, breathing piece of me. But of course me being me, ruined it.
I couldn't really understand why I was crying. I mean, it's not like I had knew I was pregnant before, so why did it matter to me so much, why did it hurt?
Rachel came in and sat down beside me. I leaned into her as she rubbed my back in soothing circles.
"It's all my fault." I cried.
"Oh no honey, no." She said sadly. "It's not your fault. It was never your fault, it just wasn't meant to be."
I sniffled and looked up at her. "I'm sorry aunt Rachel."
"Oh baby, we all make mistakes." She cooed.
"But I was stupid! I got pregnant, and then lost the baby!" My heart wrenched when I said it out loud.
She continued to hold me, brushing my hair back every now and then, kissing me on my forehead, simply being a comfort.
An hour or two later, I was sleeping when my dad came in. He worked at state hospital not too far from the one we were at, and decided to come during his break.
"Tabitha?" He said lightly.
I stirred lightly before my eyes peeled open slowly. "Dad?"
"Oh Tab, love, how sweetie?" His eyes were red and sad. I could just by looking at him that he was hurt.
"I'm sorry daddy." I cried. "I was stupid."
"No, you made a stupid mistake, you're never stupid." He scolded lightly.
"Are you mad?" I asked. I was afraid that he would be. But who knew? I'd never been pregnant before.
His face became somber. "How can I be? You didn't even know, and you...you lost-"
"You don't have to say it." I whispered to my blankets.
"I just wished you would have been more careful Tabitha Mckenzie." He only used my full name when he was disappointed . "Who was the father? Was it that boyfriend of your's." I was sure he knew who Josh was, but chose not to say his name.
My throat caught. Why hadn't that thought occurred to me before, I mean, I couldn't make a baby all on my own.
I shook my head in realization. "No dad, he'a not." I had only had sex once and only with one person. I chewed my bottom lip, praying I wouldn't break down in front of my dad. I had gotten pregnant by Caleb, I would have had my best friend's baby!l
"Then...who was it? Tabitha please tell me that you don't have some secret boyfriend that I don't know about?" His face was red, but his voice was still calm.
I shook my head, tears coming to my eyes. "No dad, can we just not talk about it?" I asked quietly.
He sighed. "Tabitha, you know we have to. Maybe if I'd talked to you about sex and protection more of-"
"Oh god dad, please stop." I covered my ears and tried not to listen.
He sighed. "Tab, who's the baby's father?"
"Who was." I whimpered.
He frowned and pulled me into a hug. "Oh sweetie, I know this must be hard on you, losing a baby at such a young age."
I sniffled. "I'm fine."
He rested his chin on top of my head. We stayed like this for a while, but I couldn't help and think that this was a time when I just needed my mother.
******
Getting out of bed seemed to take too much work, so I just chose to stay in it, not once getting up. Sometimes I would sleep, and then I would cry, and then I would repeat the process all over again.
I felt so stupid. How could I get pregnant by my best friend, and then lose our baby just like that!? Just, out if the blue and for no reason at all!
I wasn't sure if what happened was a blessing, or a punishment. Maybe it was both. I should have been relieved that I wouldn't be having a baby at 18. At least that's what I tried to tell myself. But it wasn't working. I couldn't help but think about the fact that I had had a little tiny being inside of me. I never thought of the significance that alone could have on me, but it did. It left an unmistakable hole in me. I had lost a child.
I still hadn't seen Caleb since before going to the hospital. And I wasn't sure if I wanted to. I wasn't sure if he knew about the baby or not. I'd told eveyone to let me do it. But, I knew the moment I saw him, I would be overcome with so many different emotions that I wouldn't be able to cope with.
I knew I was going to have to face him and the rest of the world sooner or later. Since I'd gotten home earlier this morning, I'd yet to come out of my room or say a single word to anyone. No one even dared to bother me. Caleb's mother would pop her head in every now and then, but that was it. They knew to just give me my space. I kept ignoring the calls and text I got from Josh, and after a while, I just shut off my phone completely.
I was starring blankly at my ceiling when there was a knock on the glass door. It echoed ominously off the cherrywood flooring of my room. It was the first sound, besides my cries, that I had heard all day.
"Tabitha?" I shut my eyes the moment I heard his voice. I could already feel the threat of years. "Tabitha come on, it's been 15 hours since I saw you last, I just want to know if you're okay."
My dad must have left for work. He'd been keeping Caleb and everyone else at bay. Now that he was gone, I was unarmed.
I Guess he took my silence as a means to come in. I quickly turned on my side and faced opposite of him.
"Tabitha?" He almost whispered. "Please tell me you're okay. No one will tell me what happend." At least I knew they respected my wishes.
After I still said nothing, he tried again. "Tab. Come on please, I thought you were dying." Apparently I hadn't been the only one.
"Tabitha-"
"Just go away Caleb." I croaked. All though I hadn't spoken all day, I could clearly make out the tears in my voice.
"You know I won't." He said quietly. "Not until you tell me what's wrong."
I could feel the anger and hurt welling up inside of me. I didn't know why I was blaming him, because it was both of our faults, but he was the one who'd done this to me. He'd gotten me pregnant.
"Tabitha. I know you can hear me. Why are you ignoring me, what is your deal?" Irritation was pretty evident in his voice. "Look, I'm trying to help you out here, but I can't-"
That had done it. "Helping me out?!" I'd almost puked from the motion of getting up so fast. "This is your fault Caleb! You did this to me! You." I cried.
The look on his face was beyond confused, I could even see a trace of hurt and I almost regretted blowing up like that.
"Wh...me? What did I do?"
I sighed and let out a shaky cry. "I lost the baby Caleb." My voice was barely audible as I tried to get it out through the tears.
His expression became even more fuddled. "Baby? What baby?" The words were foreign on his tongue.
"My baby." I quivered.
Caleb sat down beside me with a blank look on his face. His eyes had completely glazed over and he'd spaced out. After what felt like an eternity, he finally spoke. I hadn't even realized that I'd been holding my breath.
"I'm gonna kill him." He muttered under his breath.
"What?" I sniffled confused.
"Josh. I'm going to kill Josh."
I frowned as angry tear slid down my cheek. "So what, you think I sleep around now?!"
"What? No! I didn't say that!" He said defensively.
"Caleb I've only had sex once, with one person." The crying had started again.
All the color had drained from his face as he realized his error.
"Wait, when you say your baby, you mean..."
"Our baby. Yes Caleb, as in you and I." I finished exasperatedly.
He stood to his feet and began pacing, nervously running his hands through his hair, dragging his hands down his face, and then shaking his hands out after repeating the process.
"No, no,no, no, no." He finally said. "No, no Tabitha, that can't be right. Are you sure it's mine?" His face was almost purple.
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" I screamed, surprised at the swear I had somehow just used.
"Tabitha, calm down." He reached for me but I'd stepped back, completely hurt.
"No don't you tell me to calm down! What do you mean "am I sure" Caleb?!" I made air quotations. Tears stung at my eyes. "How dare you?! I lose your fucking child and all you can say is is it mine?!" I was red in the face, completely worn out and tired.
"Tabitha," his eyes were rimmed red. "I'm sorry I, I forgot that you-"
I sighed, drained of all energy. "No, just...just go. I don't want to see you." I cried softly.
He took a few steps toward me and I backed away again. "Tabitha-"
"I said get out Caleb!"
His eyes were actually releasing tears and I could barely stand to look at him. Without another word, he hung his head and left.
I fell on to my bed and could barely stop my body from shaking as I cried feverently into my pillows.
What had happened to my best friend I? This wasn't how these kinds of relationships were suppose to work. Best friends were suppose to laugh and confide in each other. I felt my self slipping through the cracks. I was almost positive that I was going to lose Caleb as not only a best friend, but a friend period. That thought alone was enough to be the death of me. All of this would have been avoidable had Caleb and I never have slept together in the first place. We let hormones cloud our judgement, and now both of us would be paying for it..