Jax could still remember the moment when he knew he was head over heels for Vannessa Ingrid Concepcion.
He was a year older than her, and the moment he first saw her around was when he was in the second year. She was a freshman back then, but a lot of people had already known her.
Naalala niyang unang linggo pa nga lang ng klase ay pinag-uusapan na ito ng mga kaklase niyang lalaki. She had been utterly popular back then since she was also an active member of the school band. Who wouldn't like someone like her? She was pretty and talented. The boys were chasing her round and round.
Ngunit hindi iyon ang rason kung bakit nagustuhan ni Jax si Vannessa.
That memory was still fresh, as if it happened yesterday. He doubted that she remembered it at all, but never did he forget about that.
At the age of 14, Jax was thinner and shorter than the guys his age. Although he hadn't experienced bullying, he certainly didn't stand out. That was the reason why he thought that he never had his chance.
Malakas ang ulan noong hapong iyon, walang awat, at habang nakasilong si Jax ay nakatanaw siya sa makulimlim na langit, nagdadasal na sana'y tumigil na ang ulan nang makauwi na siya.
Malayo pa ang sakayan ng jeep sa kung saan siya noong pagkakataong iyon at halos wala nang mga taong lumalabas ng paaralan dahil nauna na ang mga itong umuwi.
He thought that that day would be filled with tragedy. That day was the first time he received a punch that immediately bruised his arm. He aimed for the arm just so Jax could feel the pain of it, but could also hide it in order to avoid trouble. The guy was smart. He knew how to work with emotions, and Jax remembered trembling with fear, his heart hammering against his chest as he listened to his warnings. He had never felt as scared as he was at that moment.
That was the day that he thought about the place where he really stood. It was the day Jackson drew lines on the sand.
And also the day Vannessa Concepcion first laid her eyes on him.
Ilang segundo silang nagkatitigang dalawa nang tumigil ito sa harap niya. Nang pinutol nito ang tingin at tiningnan ang kamay niyang may pasang kanyang hawak-hawak ay napatitig muli ito nang ilang segundo.
When she looked back at him, she smiled. Jax was taken aback. "Are you waiting for the rain to stop, kuya?" she asked, and Jax could only nod as he looked back at her. "I don't think it is stopping anytime sooner."
Iniabot nito ang dala-dala nitong payong nang may ngiti sa mukha. "Here, use my umbrella. Don't worry, my sundo is near naman. I can run." Hindi na siya hinintay pa nitong magsalita. Nang naiabot na nito ang payong ay kaagad itong tumakbo sa ilalim ng ulan.
Sa tuwing naiisip niya ang pagkakataong iyon ay labis na panghihinayang ang kanyang nararamdaman. If only he didn't freeze on the spot, he could have told her to share the umbrella so she wouldn't get wet.
After that day, he made several attempts to return the umbrella, but his cowardice always got the better of him. He ended up keeping the umbrella that was now sitting on the top of his wardrobe at home.
He never really expected that she'd remember him, but when he finally confirmed that she really didn't, there was a slight pang in his chest. He had confirmed the depth of his insignificance in her life.
Ngunit hindi niya mapigilang makaramdam ng labis na tuwa nang malamang naaalala pa nito ang pagpapahiyang ginawa niya sa sarili noong araw. Graduating student siya sa pagkakataong iyon at dahil magkokolehiyo na lang din naman siya'y hindi na niya tinanggihan ang naging utos ng mga kasama niya.
He couldn't stop himself from smiling as he recalled all the details of that experience, and all the sensations he felt.
Ramdam niya ang malakas na pagkabog ng kanyang dibdib, siguro'y nang dahil sa kaba, hindi niya mawari. He still hadn't grown accustomed to being able to talk to Vannessa just like that, and maybe it was really a blessing in disguise. Never did he think that the opportunity to be a model for a popular clothing brand in the country would also open new doors towards Vannessa for him. He'd be more than happy if they could be friends, and if he was willing to respect her decision if friendship would be their only endpoint.
Huminga siya nang malalim tsaka inayos ang kanyang buhok. Bahagya siyang ngumuso nang makita ang mga pasa sa mukha. If he were the old Jax, then he wouldn't even have the guts to stand in front of her while looking like that. Maybe he had really changed. Maybe he had really gotten more courageous.
Maybe.
When he walked back to their table, his brows furrowed for a little when he saw that Lee was talking softly with Vannessa, but the girl did not seem to be listening. Magkasalubong ang mga kilay nito at may kakaibang tingin sa mga mata.
Nilingon siya ni Lee at pinandilatan ng mga mata. Kaagad na naglakad si Jax pabalik sa mga ito, ramdam ang malakas na pagkabog ng dibdib. Walang posibleng dahilan ang pumapasok sa isipan niya kung bakit ganoon na lamang ang tingin sa kanya ng dalaga.
Parang kanina lamang ay masaya pa silang nagkukuwentuhan.
The anxiety of finding out the reason was quickly crawling into his system, and he contemplated whether he'd like to know about it or the opposite. He contemplated whether he was strong enough to know why she was staring at him that way.
Hindi niya maipaliwanag kung bakit sumisikip ang kanyang dibdib habang tinitingnan ang mga mata nitong punong-puno ng emosyon, ng galit, ng pandidiri.
Sumagi sa kanyang isipan ang itsura ng mukha nito noong nagkita silang dalawa sa bar. Ang pandidiri sa ekspresyon ng mukha nito. Jax thought that he'd never get to see that expression plastered across her face again. After all, he believed that he had done nothing wrong.
Ibang-iba ang ekspresyon sa mukha ng babae sa pagkakataong iyon sa ekspresyon nito noong nag-abot ito ng payong. Jax was almost convinced that the girl that was standing in front of him right at that moment was different from the girl he had adored years ago.
They seemed different. The looks in their eyes were utterly different. Or maybe she really had became a different person. Maybe the intense look in her eyes had been a result of an experience, Jax could only wonder.
"Let's talk." She said that in an adamant tone before walking out of the restaurant. Saglit na nagkatinginan sina Lee at Jax at tanging pagtango lang ang ibinigay nito sa kanya bago niya sinundan sa labas ang dalaga.
Malakas ang kabog ng kanyang dibdib, dumadagundong sa kanyang tenga. Parang may kumakalembang sa loob ng kanyang tenga at ng kanyang dibdib at kahit na pilitin man niyang huwag magpaapekto rito'y ramdam niya pa rin ang pagsikip nito.
Tumigil siya nang tumigil ito sa isang parte ng parking lot na walang tao. Nang muli siya nitong binalingan ng tingin ay hindi nagbago ang ekspresyon sa mga mata ng babae. Hindi pa rin nawawala ang apoy sa mga mata nito.
"What do you want from me?" she said that softly but with a hint of conviction in her voice. When his gaze dropped to look at her hands, he saw that they were trembling.
Hindi mawari ni Jax ang nararamdaman pero may kakaibang hatak ang itsura nito sa kanya. Aaminin niyang nalilito siya, hindi alam ang nangyayari at kung paano ito nagsimula. Ang tanging alam lang niya'y ayaw niyang nakikita itong ganoon. Ayaw niyang nakikita ang pagkamuhi sa mga mata nitong nanatiling nakapukol sa kanya.
Huminga si Jax nang malalim. "I-I don't know what you mean—"
"You are aware that it was me that you saw in that bar, right? That one thing with Amanda?" Surprise immediately registered to Jax's countenance upon hearing that. Hindi siya nagbitiw ng tingin kay Vannessa na matalim ang titig sa kanya. Hindi niya maipaliwanag kung bakit ang bigat ng pakiramdam habang pinagmamasdan siya nito gamit ang titig na iyon. He could never stress that enough.
Her stares spoke so much hatred and so much disappointment. It hurt.
Huminga ito nang malalim at nang dumapo ang kanyang tingin sa nakakuyom nitong mga kamao ay nakita niyang nanginginig ang mga ito, marahil sa galit. Galit sa kanya.
Dahan-dahan siyang tumango at nang dahil doon ay napaawang ang bibig ni Vannessa. Nag-iwas ito ng tingin tsaka naglakad palayo sa kanya, pabalik nang nakaduro na ang mga kamay.
Jax wanted to look away. Hindi niya gustong nakikita itong nasasaktan nang ganoon, lalong-lalo na't isa siya sa mga pangunahing dahilan kung bakit ganoon na lamang ang nararamdaman ng dalaga.
"I was about to tell you, but I didn't know how to bring it all up—"
Umiling-iling ang dalaga. "Katulad ka lang din nila."
Naramdaman niya ang pagsikip ng dibdib sa sinabing iyon ni Vannessa. Parang ipinahihiwatig nitong pareho sila ni Jackson. Huminga siya nang malalim, nanginginig nang bahagya ang mga kamay. "Hindi lahat ng lalaki ang intensyon ay saktan ka."
"Kung ganoon, ano ang intensyon mo?" tanong nito habang nanunukat ang tingin. "Ba't kailangan mong maging mabait sa akin? Ba't kailangan mong umarteng sobrang tino? What, huh? Hindi mo ba ako makuha noon kaya sinusubukan mong kunin ako ngayon? Are you trying to please me with your deceitful acts? Do you feel better about yourself now?"
Jax couldn't believe what he heard. Never did he think that he would be able to hear her say all those accusations against him.
"Vannessa, you do not know me, and I hope you'd stop putting descriptions over people whom you barely know." He was certain that she noticed the pain that lingered in his intonation because for a brief moment, he saw that her countenance changed, or maybe it was just a product of his imagination. Things were too sudden for him to process.
Pagkatapos niyang sabihin iyon ay nakita niya si Lee na nakatayo na malapit sa kanila. Namumula ang mukha nito, marahil dahil narinig nito ang mga napag-usapan nilang dalawa ni Vannessa. "Please take her home safely. I doubt that she'd feel safe with me," he told him. "Mauna na ako. I'm really sorry."
Hindi alam ni Jax kung anong dapat na maramdaman nang dahil doon.
Maybe he really was at fault for not telling her that what she expected wasn't true, that who she saw at the bar was him and not Jackson. But never did he think that the situation would become so much worse than what he anticipated. And maybe he had been accustomed to running away from situations that involved that guy.
He hated to think about it.
Would the situation be better if he had told her the moment he had grown suspicious about everything?
No one knew.
Ayaw man niyang isipin ay umuulit pa rin sa isipan niya ang mukha ni Vannessa at ang mukha ng lalaking inakala nitong siya.
Jax was the one in front of her but still, the guy she saw was not him. It was still Jackson.
And just like over everything else, he still won. He wasn't even there, God knew where in the world he was, but he still won over her feelings.
Just like before.
Jax was in the picture first, but it was Jackson who made it all the way into her life, who had impacted so much in her life, he hated it.
He didn't have the courage, that was the thing. It was hard for him to muster up all the courage when he had been feeling inferior all of his life.
He thought that he had outgrown that inferior version of himself. But after all this time, he was still the person that he was before. He was still a coward.