CHAPTER 7
The blizzard lasted for three days. Snow fell like it was never planning to stop, winds howled, making the windows rattle and the old house creak.
I was growing tired of sitting around. When we first got here I didn't mind being away from home. It was kind of nice not having to go to work or worry about money. I had all the booze and cigarettes I could ask for. I had Juniper. I was okay, then.
Now, I just want to leave. I couldn't give two fucks as to why we're here. All I gave two fucks about is getting out and going home.
I was sitting on the window seat in my room. Breakfast would be starting soon, but I really didn't want to go down there. I glanced out my window, down to the ground three stories away. I would kill a man to be able to go outside right now, but the snow had been piling higher and higher and was now three feet high. No one in their right mind would go out there. Good thing I was never in a right state of mind.
My boots were loud on the steps as I descended the two floors. As I passed the dining room I saw Juniper sitting in there.
"Hey Juju," I said walking into the room, taking a small detour before my outdoor excursion.
She grunted a response without looking at me.
I tugged at her hair gently. That was how I used to get her attention when we were kids.
"Whatcha' doin'" I asked as I walked around the table to sit across from her.
"None of your concern," she whispered, the pen scratching across the paper.
"Come on tell me!" I pleaded
"Junius," she finally looked at me. "I say this with love. Go away."
I sneered at her, in the most loving and brotherly way. I leaned forward once her head was tilted back down to the paper.
"Dear Mom and Dad," I read the first line of the paper out loud, which is quite hard seeing as it's upside down.
Juniper pulled the paper closer to her. "Don't," she warned, her eyes now shining with the fire that only appears when she's performing on stage or when she's hiding something.
"What are you hiding?"
"Nothing."
"Fine don't tell me," I said, eyeing the paper. "They were assholes anyway."
"Junius stop."
"What? You know I'm right."
"Just stop talking about things you don't understand."
"You do remember that they kicked me out on my ass, right?"
"You left," she replied coolly.
"Stop talking about things you don't understand." I repeated her own words back to her, which was a mistake.
Juniper was glaring at me now, her face so twisted with anger that I was scared smoke would start coming from her ears any second.
"They kicked me out, told me not to come back, and you said nothing. Pretty, perfect, pristine Juniper, couldn't do anything wrong in mommy and daddy's eyes. The thousands of dollars spent on dance lessons was well worth it wasn't it? Juniper is so graceful, Juniper is so good at twirling around on a stage. Oh no! Juniper fell and broke her-"
"SHUT. UP." Juniper yelled, standing up and staring down at me. There was the smoke.
I reached forward, across the table and snatched the paper up. Juniper climbed over the table towards me, trying to take it back, but I started running around to the other side to avoid her.
"Dear Mom and Dad," I began reading the letter out loud.
"Junius I swear to God stop reading that right now,"
"I haven't done this in a while but I figured giving the circumstances, it might help a bit."
"Junius!"
"With Junius being here- Aww I'm featured. How touching."
Juniper was gaining on me. "I am begging you. Please stop reading," she pleaded. She was almost able to grab it out of my hands, but I ducked under her arm, climbed up a chair and onto the table top. Juniper followed me up, but with some difficulty due to her leg. I turned my back on Juniper, holding her back as she's fighting to get the letter back.
"I feel like I have no choice but to tell him. He can't go on..." I stopped and she stopped fighting. She knew it was too late. "He can't go on without knowing you're both dead." I turn around, staring at her.
Her eyes were shut, she was biting her cheek and picking at her nails.
"That's funny," I said. My voice didn't sound like my voice at all. It was like I was hearing it through a fuzzy recording. "Juniper. Look at me. Now."
Her eyes met mine and I knew it was true.
I crumpled the paper and threw it to the side. "How long?"
"What?" she asked, tears streaming down her face.
"How long have they been dead?" I spoke slowly, taking a step closer.
She started to back away. "Junius please I can-"
"HOW LONG! Answer the fucking question!"
"Two years."
"This isn't funny. You need to stop lying because it's not funny."
"I'm not lying!" Juniper wailed. "They're dead. Mom and Dad are dead."
With that finality, a hot, fiery rage was building in my stomach and spreading across my entire body like a rogue wildfire. Every feeling that I had pushed down for the last four years was coming back to me at top speed. I couldn't be here anymore.
I jumped off the table, Juniper's pleas for me to come back sounded miles away. My head was buzzing as I walked out of the dining room, through a small hallway next to the kitchen, through a back door and into the courtyard outback.
I stood on the concrete platform that overlooked the courtyard. It was canopied and I was protected from the snow and the wind.
Large snowflakes blew around the house, the wind so strong that the snow looked like it was falling sideways. It was wrong. Snow is falling sideways, and everything in my life is wrong.
I grasped my head with my hands, the dread and the pain too much to handle. My nails dug into my scalp,and every muscle felt like it was straining, as if my own body was trying to break out of it's skin.
With a heave, I let out a yell. "FUCK." The sound didn't echo. It was swallowed by the storm and fell flat against the concrete walls. I couldn't even have the satisfaction of having a good scream.
I collapsed, my knees scraping on the cold concrete. As I tried to catch my breath, I felt strong, warm hands pull me up and try to bring me inside
"No! No, no, no, no!" I screamed, beating my fists against whoever was holding onto me. Then as if someone ripped out my vocal chords I shut up and froze. An image flashed into my head, and it felt like deja vu.
Juniper was looking at me, tears in her eyes, her mouth forming the words "Mom and Dad are dead."
But this image wasn't from two minutes ago. Where we were was sunny, bright, and warm. There was this unmistakable, painful feeling of having forgotten something important. No, that's not right. I wouldn't have forgotten that. It's just a mind trick that I'm playing on myself. That has to be it.
The person holding onto me cleared their throat. I snapped out of my trance and saw Asher looking at me.
Asher.
"Are you done screaming?" he asked me, his voice so gentle. So gentle. My gentle Asher.
I took in a long shuddering breath. "Do I have to be?"
He shook his head. "Not at all."
I cried. Finally. The tears that have stayed inside for a hellish four years finally surrender and fall down my face.
"That's good," Asher said, holding me by my shoulders. If he wasn't holding onto me I probably would've fallen over. "Let it out."
I push myself into his arms, and without a pause, they close around me. Theory proven, he does want to be here. I could feel his breathing and I tried to level mine with it. It was hard to do so because I was still sobbing.
"Do you want to go inside?" he asked. I realize he's shivering. He wasn't wearing a jacket and he wasn't wearing any shoes.
I took another deep breath, and pulled away from him. I was still crying, but I nod. I wiped my nose and my eyes and saw Opal standing in the doorway.
"Show's over," I told her as I started walking back inside.
I walked past the dining room without any intention to attend breakfast this morning.
"Breakfast is starting," Eli said to me as our paths crossed on the stairs.
"Shut the hell up!" I yelled at him.
"We are supposed to eat meals together," Eli replied, stopping on the stairs.
"I really could not care less," I said, pausing on the middle landing.
"If your ass isn't downstairs in two minutes I'm going to-," Eli started to say as he turned around.
Asher was standing right behind him, cutting him off from finishing his descent down the stairs.
"You're going to what... Eli?" Asher waited so long to finish his sentence, keeping Eli's name captive on his tongue, letting the tension rise in a thick cloud before he released it with a single word. "What are you going to do?"
"Yeah what are you going to do?" I said growing a small pair of balls.
Asher leaned around Eli's head and stared at me. "Go upstairs. Now." His voice is soft and demanding, calm and collected and okay, I needed to calm down. With that I retreated to my room.
.........
I was piss drunk by noon. A bottle of whiskey and half a bottle of rum pumped through my veins, as cigarette after cigarette danced in between my lips. I laid on my bed, on top of the covers with my shirt off and my hands numb. I wanted to be anywhere but here. But here I am, so another shot of rum, and another drag off a cig it is.
"Junius?"
The voice was so far. I didn't want to follow it, I didn't care who was speaking. I didn't have the energy to keep chasing things that were too far out of my reach.
"Junius."
The voice was right next to me now. I guess I didn't have to chase it.
"What?" I said, pulling another cigarette out of the box.
Whoever was next to me grabbed it out of my hands.
"Rule number one," I slurred as I rolled over trying to grab it from them. "Don't touch what isn't-" I fell out of the bed.
"Jesus," another person muttered.
I laughed. A strange laugh that I had never heard before. I laid on my back, staring up at the ceiling.
"Help me get him up."
I felt two sets of hands grab me under my arms and hoist me up. I had no control and I was okay with it.
The two people sat me up on my bed. I blinked a few times and saw the unmistakable blue of Asher's eyes and fierce gaze of the one and only Rhody.
"You smell awful," Rhody said.
"And you smell of vanilla," I chuckled. "See it's not that hard to be nice."
Rhody laughed, a quiet, gentle laugh. "I'm sorry. But I think it would be a good idea if you took a shower. It might sober you up a bit."
I groaned and flopped onto the bed. "No."
A hand grabbed mine and pulled me up again.
There was Asher, kneeling on the ground at my feet, holding my hand and rubbing the spaces between my knuckles. "I think it would be a very good idea if you showered. After you shower we can take a walk outside. Okay?"
"Fine."
Rhody was right. The shower did sober me up a bit.
I headed downstairs, boots and coat on, and met Asher in the foyer.
"Feel better?" Asher asked.
I shrugged.
We began a slow, easy walk around the perimeter of the trees surrounding the house.
I stuck a cigarette between my teeth and pulled out the lighter.
"Do you have to-" Asher began.
"Yes," I said. "Today I have to. And you're going to be okay with it."
Asher raised his eyebrows but protested no further.
"Do you want to talk about anything?" Asher asked.
"No."
"Really?"
"That's what I said."
Asher just shook his head and let out the tiniest, quietest scoff. That was it. I was done.
"Is there something you would like to say?" I asked, stopping to stare at him.
"No, Junius, I'm just worried about you," Asher explains. "You drink yourself to pieces every fucking day, and you smoke a thousand cigarettes in an hour." Asher is turning red and maybe if I wasn't so drunk I would be able to tell if there were actually tears welling up in his eyes.
I glared at him and tossed the half finished cigarette to the side as I took a step towards him. "I do not need your misplaced concern. I do not know you, you do not know me."
"God!" Asher exclaimed, hiding his head in his hands in irritation. "Yes, you're right we don't know each other all that well, but I'm trying to get to know you. I'm trying to help you and be there for you. You don't think enough, you just act and I'm scared that one day it'll end badly for you."
"Well you think too much," I retorted. "Why can't you just-" I waved my arms around loosely, trying to embody the idea of being laid back.
"Are you trying to say I need to relax?" Asher asked, raising an eyebrow at me.
"Yes! That is exactly what I am saying!" I said, as I repeated the same stupid movement. Arms swinging and swaying at my sides and head moving back and forth slowly. "Just. Relax."
Asher stared at me for a moment before tentatively mirroring the movements I'm doing. He looked ridiculous.
"Just like that!" I said excitedly. I lean forward and grab his shoulders. I try to move them. "Relax, just move, breathe, let go, stop thinking!"
I watched Asher as he swayed. His eyes were closed and his head was tilted slightly upwards. The winter sun illuminated his face and I fell in love. How stupid.