A/N: Warning: Things are about to get spicy
December 18th, 2012
"Tilly, I brought you some tea." Dad says softly as he knocks on my door but doesn't enter. I don't respond. Instead I roll over, pulling the covers under my chin and face the window with the blinds closed for the first time in a very long time. I haven't left my room since I heard the news about Harry which was around four days ago. I've subjected myself to hiding away in bed, ignoring the world beyond the walls of my very messy bedroom.
"Can I come in?" Dad whispers through the door and keep quiet, closing my eyes shut. He comes in and places the cup of tea with a blue zig zag print on my bedside table next to the numerous scrunched up tissues and my phone that hasn't been charged in three days. He sits down next to me and places his hand on my leg, tapping at it softly. At any moment I could break down into tears, only a few days ago it was announced Harry was linked in a relationship with Taylor Swift.
"Is there anything I can do?" He asks.
"Bring Harry back to me." I say quietly, swallowing my pride as I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to refrain from crying.
"I wish I could my darling. I really do." He says and I sit up in my bed and hug my knees to my chest, tears arising and this time there's no use in keeping my shit together because the more I do, the more insufferable the lump in my throat becomes. I inhale sharply and Dad pulls me into a hug.
"Do you think he loves her?" I ask quietly and Dad pats down my hair.
"I couldn't tell you, Til." He says truthfully, careful not to overstep and send me spiralling.
"I should've told him how I felt when he was here last month, do you think it would've changed much?" I whisper as I push the covers down slightly and lay on my stomach, clenching at the pillow beneath my head.
"I'd like to think so, but I wouldn't know." He says quietly.
I grip at the bed sheets, pushing my head into the pillow and the tightness within my chest becomes more prominent as I sob into the bed sheets, feeling all the pain in the world sitting upon my shoulders, pushing me further and further into the bed. I wish he was mine, always mine.
July 22nd, 2019
"What're you thinking about, love?" Harry asks me as he sits at the baby grand piano and I lay on the floor staring at the ceiling listening to him play something I haven't heard before softly at the keys. I sprawl myself out across the wooden floors in a starfish like position and tilt my head to the side, looking up at him.
"Not much... I miss you." I say to him and a smile forms at the sides of his lips.
"I'm right here." He says as his fingers continue to press against the keys.
"I don't want to be alone." I say quietly.
"Then don't." He responds, looking down at the piano. I stand to my feet and walk over to him, sitting beside him on the bench. I rest my head on his shoulder, my hands sitting in my lap as he plays at the piano.
"What're you playing?" I ask while watching his ring scattered fingers tap gently, yet passionately at the keys.
"It's called Falling. I wrote it a little while ago... Here, press at this key followed by these two." He says as he instructs me on which keys to play and I sit up, adjusting my posture to do so as I continue watching him play the three other keys in such a delicate manner. The keys sound so deeply vulnerable and it intrigues me as to what the songs about.
"What's the song about?" I ask.
"I wrote it when you and I weren't talking... when I was seeing someone else because I thought you we're with Jack." He says and I smile.
"James." I correct him and he shakes his head.
"Doesn't matter." He says, his tone dropping. He plays at the keys next to me and takes a deep breath, preparing to sing. I rest my head upon his shoulder once more and close my eyes. Hearing him sing blooms flowers of all different colours and scents within my chest. His voice sends long vines into my core, intertwining with every organ and every bone as they plant themselves and stretch across my diaphragm making a home within my soul.
*Play song now: Falling by Harry Styles*
"I'm in my bed... and you're not here. And there's no one to blame but the drink in my wandering hands." He sings out loud and I open my eyes to look at him as he plays and I feel the vines begin to grow from their seeds within me, but this time they're strong and whatever Harry is about to sing is something I couldn't prepare myself for.
"Now you press these four like this." He says and I watch as he touches at three keys and I follow him.
"Forget what I said... It's not what I meant... And I can't take it back I can't unpack the baggage you left." He sings softly and I feel myself grow sad, I take my hands away from the piano and push a strand of hair behind my ear as I watch him break down in front of me. This truly is how he felt.
"What am I now? What am I now? What if I'm someone I don't want around?" He sings louder and I watch as he inhales deeply. I bite down on my lip as I watch him sing, unable to take my eyes from him.
"I'm fallin' again, I'm fallin' again, I'm fallin' again... I'm fallin'..." He sings loudly and I sit back and watch as he sings aloud, letting every emotion he felt during such a sad time spill from his fingertips and onto the keys.
"What if I'm down? What if I'm out? What if I'm someone you won't talk about? I'm fallin' again I'm fallin' again... I'm fallin'..." I look up at him and feel myself fall into a devastating thought pattern, every moment of secrecy and every stolen glance rushes back to me.
"You said you cared... And you missed me, too... And I'm well aware I write too many songs about you... And the coffee's out... At the Beachwood Café... And it kills me cause I know we've run out of things we can say..." The Beachwood Café... My birthday. This song was written recently, I feel tears well in my eyes as the keys grow stronger and his hands shake as he sings out the words with such impact, more emotional and vulnerable than I've ever seen him before. This song means so much to him.
"What am I now? What am I now? What if I'm someone I don't want around? I'm fallin' again I'm fallin' again I'm fallin'... What if I'm..." He sings and repeats himself again. The fact he considered me never wanting to talk about him as if it was simply an option makes my skin crawl, I wanted nothing more than to talk about how much I completely and utterly adored the man before me but there were other circumstances, other factors contributing to my silence. The silence that filled the air between the two of us for so many years.
"And I get the feelin' that you'll never need me again..." My gaze lifts and I feel my lips part as I inhale sharply at his lyrics. He looks at me from the corner of his eye as he continues to play at the piano, and I feel a tear roll down my face.
"What am I now? What am I now? What if you're someone I just want around? I'm fallin' again I'm fallin' again I'm fallin'..." He repeats the final verse, changing the lyrics and I feel myself grow numb as he finishes with a final key, his hands shaking wildly.
"It felt as if I was losing you. It felt like every negative emotion I've ever felt was amplified and no matter how hard I tried to contain my anguish it kept growing and I kept-"
"Falling." I say softly, resting my hand on his knee. He looks up at me and nods his head slowly, his eyes welling with tears.
"I never wanted to hurt you, but I did." I say to him and he shakes his head.
"Don't say that." He says and I shake my head.
"I never meant to and I wanted so badly to talk about you, I wanted so fucking badly to speak the truth. Even now, we're sheltered." I say, the anger inside me building as I stand from the piano bench seat and move around the living room, pacing backwards and forwards.
"Sometimes it's better to be sheltered." He says quietly and I turn to look at him as he sits still at the piano, looking down at the keys as he mindlessly fumbles with his rings.
I walk over to him slowly and stand behind him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, my fingers playing at the drawstrings of his hoodie. He reaches up a hand and holds it to my forearm and I kiss his cheek.
"I love you." I whisper into his ear.
"I love you more." He says and I let out a short laugh which makes him smile.
"Impossible..." I say quietly.
Harry stands to his feet and walks over to me and pulls me into a hug, twirling my body as he does, and I laugh. I wrap my arms around his body, and he wraps his around my own. We stand in the afternoon glow that seamlessly invites the warmth we share between us to intensify as it echoes its rays across the living room. Harry lifts my chin up with his fingers and presses his lips to mine softly. But I need more.
I press back to his lips and throw him off guard as he inhales deeply and presses his hands to my cheeks softly while my arms remain wrapped around his waist. I grip at the hem of his hoodie, tugging it up and we break away from the kiss, allowing me to lift the material from his torso, leaving him shirtless. His skin tan from the summer sun. He picks me up and wraps his hands under my thighs, carrying me upstairs as he kisses my neck and I tug at the bottom of his hair. His cross-necklace dangling from his neck. We go into his room and he gently puts me down onto the bed as he kisses down my neck and my chest, removing my white singlet top from my body.
"Are you sure?" He asks softly and I smile, nodding as I run my fingers through his hair.
"I need you to say yes." He says as he continues to kiss my neck.
"Yes, Harry... A thousand times yes." I assure him and hear him laugh a little bit.
"Okay." He says and from there we take off, every pretence falling to the ground slipping away from us. He removes my pants and underwear, leaving me in my bra. I sit up and unbutton his white corduroy shorts and take off his underwear as he reaches around my back, removing my bar with one hand. I look up to him as he stands before me and his finger traces my lips, moving to my cheekbone to smooth circles across my cheek.
"I love you... Very, very much." He says softly and I press my lips to his erection. I move my lips up and down the skin with my tongue guiding the way, moving my hands around him and watching as he tilts his head back in pleasure. He looks down at me and smiles, taking my hair and holding it in his grip behind my head. I continue for a few more moments before he steps back and crawls over me and I move back across the bed, laying on my back. He slowly peels apart my legs and looks at me for assurance.
"Yes, Harry. It's okay." I say and he smiles sweetly, despite the physical desires he pleads for, he's respectful of me and makes sure I'm completely okay. His head disappears between my thighs and I gasp in pleasure as I tug at his curls and his breath is hot on my skin. His tongue draws infinity signs and I quake in happiness. My back arching but he places his hand upon my lower stomach and softly pushes me down on the bed and I bite down on my lip, looking up to the ceiling and letting out small moans. He continues until I finish and I'm out of breath. He looks at me as he stands over my body with a soft smile.
"You okay?" He asks and I nod.
"I'm perfect." I say through heavy breaths.
"I know you are."
"I didn't mean-"
"I did." He says with a smirk as he takes a condom wrapper from the draw and places it on himself.
"You're sure?" He says as he moves his body over the top of mine, his breath picking up to an anxious pant.
"Harry, I'm absolutely certain. Are you?"
"Oh definitely, I really fucking want to! It's just we haven't done it without feeling like we're not supposed to, and I don't know if that changes things or-"
"I love you." I say and press my lips to his, calming him down.
"I love you too." He says and his breathing slows. He presses his hands above my head and I glide him inside me and he fills me up and I whine at the pain.
"We can stop!" He says and I shake my head, holding my arms around his neck.
He kisses me with intensity but remains completely soft as he begins to thrust into me and I wrap my legs around his waist, he bites my lip as he grazes it up and smiles into the air and looks down into my eyes, his pupils dilating. I feel his hand run up the side of my naked body as he continues to move slowly. My moans time to his body and his movements I crave so badly. His lips trail down my neck and his hand grips my breast as the other positions above himself, steadying him.
"Faster." I plead and he does as I say. I stare at the ceiling above us, struggling to keep my eyes open from the intense feeling he gifts me with each movement. Our breaths rise and fall. His tan skin, glistens with sweat in the amber light of the afternoon sun. The orange glow floods the room through the soft cream coloured curtains and his soft brown curls fall down his forehead. I move them away from his face and stare at his eyes ad he looks into mine, making me moan and gasp with each pleasure. I love this man. He's all I ever wanted, even if I didn't know it. Every stolen glance as a teenager, every night I watched from the sidelines at the X-Factor. The swing sets we played upon, the early morning cigarettes we had in secrecy down the pond behind my house, the nights spent throwing popcorn around my bedroom after watching horror movies. The tears, the good-byes, the sadness and the loss – we've overcome it all together. We've been together through all of it. I stare into the deep green eyes and all of a sudden it happens. The feeling of complete perfection erupts through us both as we finish and he rests his head on my chest, the two of us panting and cussing.
"I love you, Matilda." He says and I press my lips to his in response.
We spend the rest of the early evening making dinner and kissing in the kitchen, dancing to David Bowie. I cut the tomatoes we got from the market yesterday and makes jokes that makes him laugh a high-pitched raspy laugh and it makes me giggle.
"Tomatoes have such a strange texture, I mean sometimes they're nice but mostly they just taste like-"
"Move in with me." Harry says and I look up from the cutting board and place the knife down on the bench.
"What?"
"Stay here. Permanently. Move all your things here and stay." He says and I smile at him as he sits at the kitchen bench.
"Really?"
"Really. It isn't like you're not always here... You're barely at your apartment and it's a forty-minute drive there and back just to get clothes. Bring everything here and stay." He says and I inhale, walking over to him and hugging him.
"Okay." I say softly in agreeance.
A/N: GUY'S WE'RE SO CLOSE TO 8K THATS LITERALLY CRAZY!! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. XX