the agony that i felt. i know that it wasn't supposed to be like that. i know that i should have never felt that way. so why did i stay? i get asked this a lot. why would i stay in a relationship where i was anything but happy?
there were a lot of factors leading me stay.
i know how idiotic that truly sounds because if i really went through that much pain then there wouldn't have been anything to hold on for right? wrong.
you will see soon as to how much i really experienced. but for that to happen, i have to start at the beginning. and i mean the very beginning.
4 years ago....
//
the heat was one thing i was never thankful for, but at this moment i think i would have accepted any form of warmth. the thing about louisiana is that we are always wet. so in turn we have wet winters. it makes the air sticky like frozen glue and it's almost intolerable. but it somehow makes moments like this seem almost magical. who knew it was going to be the end of me.
seventh period was about to start and i slowly made my way to class. it was almost the end of the day and i couldn't have been more thankful for that. my head was fuzzy from the lack of food i had eaten that day and maybe that's why i felt the way i did. but when i walked in and our eyes met, my insides were basted with warmth. it seemed rather magical.
i should've known better.
but i couldn't help it. my soul was itching for any type of affection. loneliness is the real silent killer. and all it took was that one glance and i was roped in. i kept telling myself that i was just lonely and that he wasn't actually interested in me but every time i looked back he was looking straight at me. i knew that he had his eyes on me from the moment i saw him. i popped in my earbuds and played my music through the rest of class and kept my head down. hoping that he would just advert his eyes on someone else.
he didn't.
the true pain was really trying my best not to look. but i am impulsive and impatient. and with every glance i gave him the more he drew me in. it wasn't fair what he was doing to me. he didn't know me and i didn't know him. but he somehow made me want to. one wrong move and i was trapped in his claws.
i leaned over to hannah. "who is that?" i asked shooting a look back to see that he is still looking at me.
hannah nodded her head and gave me a smile. "nick. he's from denham."
i nodded my head back. "what's his deal?" wrong move.
hannah gave me a knowing smile. "girl be careful with that one. he's a little damaged sweetie." with that the bell rang and i was finally able to go home. hannah gave me one last look before getting up and walking straight over to nick. maybe i should've kept my head down and walked out. but it would've been to early and would've gotten a detention. but then i might not have been sucked into the worst years of my life.
hannahs fire red hair moved so gracefully as she talked to him. her head snapping back at me letting me know that she was talking to him about me. i don't blame her for this. how could she know what she was putting me in. but every time she moves her head to look at me and i could see his bright blue eyes digging deeper into my soul. he unknowingly had formed a connection with me. before i could have said anything to him the bell rang again telling us that we needed to leave. i wonder what would've happened if the hadn't rung. what would i have said to him?
as i walked out of class and to my brothers car, i couldn't help the fact that my mind drifted to him. i had no idea who he really is and yet i let him have this hold over me. it was a dangerous game i was playing but for some reason i allowed myself to play. i shouldn't have.
*
the next day was the same. actually the whole week was exactly the same. truth be told i'm not sure how we started talking but one day he sat with my group and just started talking with everyone. the eye glances he would give me while talking to hannah let me know that he had me on his mind. it was a weird form of manipulation that i didn't register at the time but it's clear now.
it was all just a trap.
just a way to lure me in with mystery and curiosity. they say the curiosity killed the cat and satisfaction brought it back.
it's a lie.
curiosity kept me alive and the satisfaction is what killed me.
with every word he said made my insides melt and the way he looked at me made me tingle from head to toe. i had been lonely for so long. i craved affection and that is exactly what his looks promised me. affection.
i should've known that it was only because i was lonely and i shouldn't have gotten so attached so quickly. but i couldn't help it. everything from him blonde hair to his blue eyes made me go crazy.
there was nothing particularly special about him. he wasn't good looking, he wasn't tall, and he dipped. it was more than apparent that he didn't give a crap about school and he obviously wasn't the brightest. but he looked at me like i was the most gorgeous girl he had ever seen. i think that's what really started the whole thing.
those damn eyes.
the mental state i had was less than okay. so that's all it took. all it took was for someone to think i was pretty and i was instant putty in their hand. then again maybe it was because it was the end of the day and i was just delirious from the lack of food. although i don't think plummeting blood sugar levels can make you fall in love.
but ever since that first day we started talking, we were inseparable. all we did was talk in class. it got to the point where the teacher had to separate us and even that didn't work. everyone told me that he had a girlfriend and everyone told me that he really liked me. and everyday i would go home and cry. because if he really and truly liked me and thought i was pretty, why wouldn't he want to date me?
that's when it started.
the closest sharp object i could find was a nail. i stared at my wrist for the longest time. i said that i deserved it because i wasn't pretty enough. but that didn't hurt enough. so i dug the nail in my skin. not hard enough to slit my wrist but just hard enough to draw a little amount of blood.
it hurt enough.
it took about a week to heal. and each week i would do it. it wasn't healthy and that should've been my first clue but i thought it was me. i thought that i was the problem and i wasn't. i don't blame him for this because that was of my own creation.
i do blame him for continuously pulling me in and mindlessly flirting with me. he would grab my hands and play with my fingernails. i hated it. i hated the noise and i hated the feeling of it. but he kept doing it no matter how much i asked him to stop.
that really should've set me off. but still i just ignored it.
eventually he broke up with his girlfriend. i am not sure why. he never told me. but i know for a fact that he didn't ask me out after. he kept on flirting with me. not saying anything about us dating. not even mentioning it.
up until a certain point, we were only friends in the class. we didn't have any other means of communication with each other and i should've stayed that way. but it didn't. through a mutual friend i got his snapchat. and that's when it really got out of hand.
we talked non stop all if the time. he had a way of making me feel special. with every conversation he pulled me in deeper. the trap was only getting harder to get out of. but i still couldn't help it.
eventually summer rolled around. we had talked so much that he called me his "best friend" and i did the same trying to hide the fact that i liked him so much.
but here's the problem. i had a friend. i had a bad friend who only ever thought of her self. but i made excuses for her. i made excuses for her behavior because i knew what her family was like and i knew that it wasn't easy on her. so yeah i excused her actions when maybe i shouldn't have. and i reasoned with her when she had a bad idea and i always had her back.
so when she asked me with to sneak out to see her boyfriend i said yeah. i stood in her driveway for an hour. she was in the car that he had came in and they were doin the nasty and i let her do her thing. i had no judgement towards her. but when her boyfriend's friend tried to talk to me i got a little uncomfortable. i tried to seem uninterested and i think he caught my drift because he walked away.
eventually she was done with her fornication and we went back inside. it all around wasn't a bad experience for me so when she asked again i said okay. "make sure your nice to his friend." those words haunted me for a while.
we went outside just like last time except his friend walked me towards the car. and we all hung out there until her neighbors light came on. of course we couldn't just stay in the driveway and we couldn't go in her house because the car would still be there. i understand that logic of it i really do but i still didn't like it. i was really uncomfortable when i was put into the passenger seat of the car with my friend and her boyfriend in the backseat and my friends boyfriend's friend driving. we didn't know were to go so we just drove until we found an abandoned house with a driveway to hide in.
it wasn't far from my friends house and seemed safe at that moment. then music started playing and a blanket went up blocking the view of the back seat entirely and i knew what was happening but i didn't wanna think about it. so i sat in the car playing on my phone and his friend leaned over and just kissed. i was so young. i was 14 and this guy was definitely 17 maybe even 18 and i knew it wasn't right. but my friend was in the back seat getting laid and i know that if i said no then i would be the one to have ruined the mood. i knew that everyone would be mad at me. i didn't know that i could say no.
so i let it happen.
he sat me on his lap and grinded on me. he continued to kiss me and touch me in inappropriate places and i lied and said i was on my period. but he kept kissing me. he even took a picture of it. but no matter how uncomfortable i was i still never said no. how much i screamed and cried on the inside my outside never showed it.
i ended up with 4 hickies on my lower stomach and one on my thigh. i tried to act proud of it but i knew that i wasn't. i knew that i was hiding the fact that i truly hated myself for what happened that night.
but the worst mistake i made was telling nick about it. that was something that i should've never done.
//
i wish i knew how to run from my feelings. but i don't.
if you know anyone that is in a relationship like this or if you see the signs in your partner or if the partners of loved ones please notify the right authorities. that maybe parents or (although i hope not) the police. just stay safe my lovies.