It was 2 AM and I couldn't sleep.
My mind kept going back to the kiss; to his hands around my waist; to how much I loved the way his hands felt around my waist.
********
The passion when our lips touched was all consuming. Once he kissed me, I never wanted him to stop kissing me, and I'm sure that had been his plan all along. His lips moved with mine so perfectly, as if they were two puzzle pieces made to fit with each other; his tongue dominated all of my senses, expressing stuff that words couldn't.
I'd thought I could resist him but who was I kidding? When his hand curled around my hair, and he pulled my body close to him, I just wanted to surrender. Admit defeat to this relentless man who knew exactly how to drive me crazy.
But, my sanity returned when we parted for a second and oxygen finally returned to my brain.
We were breathing heavily, and the world was spinning, but when I saw him lean in for another kiss, I put my hands on his chest and gently pushed him away. He stopped immediately, but didn't completely let go of me.
"I can't Maddox, we can't." I muttered breathlessly, barely aware of what I was actually saying.
"Why not?" His voice was stubborn, defiant, demanding an answer; an answer I didn't actually have.
I took a deep sigh and pulled away from him completely, "I-I can't think like this."
"So, don't think." His answer was so simple it made me groan in despair. If only it was that easy for me.
"Maddox, I can't. I-I...." I said again and buried my face in my hands.
When I spoke, he moved farther away from me, giving me space. Then he gently pat my head a few times and sighed.
"I'm sorry. I know I said I'd give you time but when you started avoiding me I just, well, clearly didn't handle it well." He scratched the back of his head, a sorrowful expression on his face.
Instantly, conflicting emotions swirled through me, and I felt bad for avoiding him in the first place instead of talking like two human beings should. I didn't want him to ever make that kind of face, and I hated the fact that I was the one making him look like that.
Just as I'd started lifting one shaky hand to reach for him, he closed his eyes, and turned away. "I'm really sorry, I'll go cool off," he choked out, pain evident in his voice. He took a few quick steps and within seconds he was in his room.
I leaned against the wall for a few moments, trying to catch my breath, "Damn it." I hated myself with a fiery passion.
********
When I woke up, groggy from lack of sleep, the first thing I did - just like on most mornings - was to check my email. Only this time, unlike other mornings, there actually was a message waiting for me in my school email's inbox.
Frowning, I opened the message, and my eyes widened as I read through the content.
They were looking for volunteers that would help out at hospitals with testing. Apparently a lot of medical personnel, particularly nurses, had gotten sick themselves and they were heavily understaffed. In return, students were promised credits and priority at the hospital we'd volunteer in once we can apply for an internship after medical school.
I bit down on my lip, pondering over what I should do for a while. Being in a hospital during a pandemic was obviously risky — not to mention the fact that they were only looking for volunteers because the staff had been infected.
But, on the other hand, it was a golden opportunity and I could definitely use the extra credits with the whole quarantine mess. Not only that but volunteering for four days meant that I'd spend less time at home with Maddox and could sort through my thoughts and feelings. Maybe this was a sign.
In the end, I called the number listed in the email and applied. After asking questions, they told me I'd receive a follow-up with the instructions on which hospital I was assigned to. Apparently, tomorrow I'd have to go there, get tested, and be introduced to what my responsibilities would be. The day after that, I'd already be put to work.
It was a lot to take in. Not to mention I still needed to talk to Maddox; both about what happened yesterday, and what I'd be doing over the next few days. And I honestly didn't know how he was going to react.
********
I found him sitting on the living room couch, playing a game. As soon as I started walking toward him, I could see his body become tense, but he made no other indication that he saw me.
"Hey...." I said after sitting down on the couch next to him.
He nodded instead of speaking and I saw him swallow hard. Almost instantly he was killed in the game, and cursed under his breath as the revive countdown started.
"Can we talk?" I tried again. He sighed and paused his game.
"Yeah." He said turning his face my way, but not meeting my eyes. For some reason it frustrated me.
"You're the one avoiding me now." I lowered my head, trying to catch his gaze. Finally, I did but the painful expression in his eyes made me bite down on my lips.
"I'm not avoiding you, Aims, I just don't know how to act around you right now." Maddox sighed and shook his head, "I was pretty sure you liked me, but then you hate kissing me so—"
Oh God, he had it all wrong.
"I don't hate kissing you, like at all. It's the exact opposite of that. I mean, I thought that was pretty obvious." I blurted everything out in one single breath. His eyes widened and the way his eyes filled with hope almost broke my heart in half.
What was I doing to this guy.... My uncertainty was becoming cruelty.
"Then what—" he started, and I raised a hand in the air to stop him from continuing.
"I just don't think this is a good idea, Mads." Letting out a sigh, I pinched the bridge of my nose, wondering how to explain what I was actually feeling.
"This? What, kissing?" He sounded so confused, and honestly I couldn't blame him. At this point I was confusing myself as well.
I sighed in frustration, gesturing between us within one hand. "No, us. You and me, together."
Frowning, he shook his head adamantly, "I think it's the best idea I've ever had my entire life."
"I don't get where you get that conviction. We're so different. It could never work." And that wasn't even the biggest issue.
To my surprise, he chuckled, and shrugged, peering into my eyes with conviction.
"I don't think that's a bad thing, though. There would never be a boring moment together. I mean, we've spent thirteen days locked up alone together and I wouldn't mind spending another hundred days locked up if it was with you. And besides, I don't think we're as different as you think." He reached out and brushed my cheek gently. I unconsciously leaned into his palm, enjoying his touch against my skin. If only for a moment, before I snapped back to reality.
I moved away, my heart racing in my chest. Every word I said felt like tiny cuts on my heart, but I couldn't stop. "That's what you think now. I've seen your type, and I'm not it. What you're feeling is probably just lust and you'd probably change your mind once this is over. No, you will change your mind once this is over, and you'll realize you don't actually like m—"
He let out a frustrated groan, his voice taking on a serious tone, "Look Aims, I really do like you. I even like this crazy stubborn side of you, but don't make assumptions on how I feel or what I'd do. I know how I feel. If you're not sure about your own feelings, that's fine, I said I'd give you time. But don't tell me what I'll do, or how I'll feel when this is over. I like you now, and I'll like you then too. That's what I know."
I gasped, his words piercing my heart like arrows. He spoke with such conviction, such certainty, I felt like crying. I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out.
Burying my face in my hands, I just shook my head in anguish, "I just don't know, Maddox, I don't know if you've really thought this through. Listen, you can also think about it for the next few days because I won't be around much so—"
"What do you mean you won't be around much?" The sudden shift in his tone made me flinch.
Shit. This wasn't the right way to bring it up, but there was no turning back now.
"Um, my college asked for students who are willing to volunteer at the hospital for a few days in exchange for extra credits so I applied and—"
"No way." He said, sounding horrified.
"What do you mean no way?" I asked back, a little bit confused at that comment.
"I mean why would you do that? Be in a hospital during a pandemic? Do you seriously hate being around me so much you'd—" His voice sounded more panicked and outraged with every word he said. I even saw his hands start to shake.
He was taking this all wrong. This was a mess.
"It's not about you, this is something I have to do for myself. The experience and also the credits we'll get, and it will just look good for me in the future," I muttered my explanation, feeling slightly guilty that the fact that I'd spend some time apart did play a small factor in my decision making. "If you're scared that I'd infect you with the virus, they have protect—"
"I'm not fucking scared of me catching the virus!" he shouted, interrupting me mid speech again, and I flinched. His face immediately dropped at my reaction and he took in a few deep breaths, leaning his elbows on his knees and putting his head into his palms. "I'm sorry, I just—My grandma is just getting better and the thought of you in the middle of all that scares me shitless," he muttered, his voice weak and his shoulders shuddering slightly.
Well, damn. I hadn't even considered how he'd feel about this with his grandma sick, and I bit down on my lips, wishing I could just erase my own stupidity at times. I reached out, placing a hand on his biceps and trying not to be distracted by how buff it felt under my palm.
"I'll be okay, Mads, they have protective gear and I'd only be working on testing, so it's less risky. This is just something I, just, I...." I trailed off, feeling choked up and unable to finish.
"Something you have to do, yeah, cause you're too kind," he continued for me and let out a shaky sigh, "So kind but so freaking reckless too, and that terrifies me, so please, just stay safe," muttering, he reached out with his right hand and placed it over mine. "At least promise me that much."
My heart broke at how worried he was, and I nodded with conviction, "I promise, I'll stay safe."
I just hoped I'd be able to keep that promise.
Hi lovelies! ❤️
I did ittttt, two chapters in one day, and this one is even longer than usual! 🎉 And now my brain is done with life, lol.
I'm probably gonna spend the rest of the day/night playing one of my romance visual novel games, I have a mild obsession with those. Does anyone else play those maybe? 🥰
Anyway, what do you think of this chapter? Love it? Hate it? Did you expect thing to unfold this way?
There's only like 4 more chapters + the epilogue left! But the next chapter might be longer than usual. You'll see why, haha. 👀
Now off I go, to reply to all your lovely comments on the previous chapter. Loooove!!! ❤️❤️
And as always, stay strong and stay safe!