If I Have Nothing: Special Chapter
Everything was okay. Rhett and I's beginning of married life started off as beautiful and fun. Not until I realized that, sooner or later, we'll both feel that we lack something.
At unti-unti ko na iyong nararamdaman. It felt so lonely whenever I am alone in the house, waiting for the day to be over. Hihintayin ko si Rhett sa pag-uwi at sasalubungin siya ng halik at yakap. At first, it became a good feeling to hug him af the end of the day. At first, it was all lovely and bright whenever I cuddle with him on our bed.
Pero kapag nasa ospital na ako at iniisip kung ano bang ginagawa niya sa bahay kapag mag-isa siya, hindi ko maiwasang isipin na baka...pareho din kami ng nararamdaman.
I sighed. Thinking negatively won't do me any good. Maybe because I was tired and all but, from time to time, I can't help but feel a little bit disappointed of myself. I kept thinking that I cannot be a good wife to Rhett because I lack something.
Hindi naman siya ang nagkulang kung hindi ako.
We've been trying, alright. One year of marriage and still nothing happens. We've asked for opinions and there is a possibility that I might get pregnant if I take specialized pregnancy pills. However, there are underlying consequences of taking some and Rhett was hesitant to try that appeal.
I sighed again.
Pang-ilang beses na ba?
The door to the on-call room opened revealing one of my co-residents. Nakahiga lang kasi ako sa kamang nandoon kaya tamad lang akong sumulyap sa pinto.
"Are you done calling the ward, Syd?" Kat asked.
"Yeah." I replied languidly as I sat up.
"You should go home then. It's already close to ten pm."
"Nagpahinga lang naman ako." rason ko at tuluyan na ngang napatayo. My bag was at the desk. Si Kat ay nakatingin doon. Napatingin din ako.
Nakalabas pala ang iilang gamit ko sa isa kong bag. My on call bag is different from my normal ones. Ayaw ko namang kada emergency ay may nakaharang na ibang bagay kaya minsan tatlo o dalawa ang dala kong bag kapag on duty.
"Are you pregnant?" Kat asked as she sat on the chair.
"Nah." Umiling ako at ipinasok sa bag ang pregnancy test kit na lumabas. "Just trying my luck."
"It's okay for you to get pregnant while on residency?"
"Hmm," tumango ako. It's not really a problem to me. Ang gusto ko lang ay makabuo ng pamilya kasama si Rhett, kahit anong oras o taon pa ang aabutin.
Though we're not sure if we could, we're still trying. Mas maaga, mas maganda. I've always had that intense urge to have a baby but because of my condition, I couldn't bear a child that easily. Ayaw ko rin namang magpadalos-dalos pero nasasayang lang din ang oras. Sooner or later, both Rhett and I will feel that we're both incomplete even though we have each other.
"Kung kaya mo naman diba, why not?" Kat chuckled. "At saka, I bet you'll be a good mother at the same time, a good doctor. Ikaw pa ba? You're like one of the best surgeon resident here!"
"Hindi naman." Nahihiya kong sabi. Sa totoo lang din, ang unang taon ng residency ko ay parang papatayin ako sa pagod. There are times where I couldn't come home because our shifts were not regular. Minsan may 36-hour shift ako, minsan 16 hours, depended na rin. I'm glad that even though that was the situation, Rhett can still wait for me. May iilang usapan na nga akong hindi nasisipot kasi ganoon nga.
"You should go home now," Kat interjected. "I bet your husband's waiting for you."
You bet, he is. Minsan kahit 10 pm na, hindi siya kumakain ng dinner kapag hindi pa ako nakakauwi. I scolded him for that because it's bad to have dinner at super late at night. Pero minsan, hindi ko naman mapipigilan si Rhett kapag gusto niyang maghintay sa akin. Despite being tired from working in the office, he still have some time to talk and even bond with me.
At nahihiya ako kay Rhett kasi halos lahat na lang siya ang gumagawa ng paraan para sa amin. Even from the very start of our relationship, he's been exerting so much effort.
Nagpaalam na ako kay Kat nang matapos akong magligpit ng gamit. I changed from my scrubs into my normal clothes before I head out of the hospital. Dumaan muna ako sa pizza house sa malapit para sana dalhin kay Rhett.
Pagdating ko sa bahay namin ay nakapatay ang mga ilaw. Iyong ilaw lang sa labas ng bahay 'yong nakabukas.
"Rhett?" I called out when I was at the front door. I moved the pot of plant at the side to find the spare key of the house. Nang buksan ko ang pinto, kadiliman lang ang bumati sa akin.
"Rhett?" Napabuntong-hininga ako. I opened the lights at the foyer before I proceeded to the receiving room. Pagod na umupo ako sa sofa at kinuha ang aking cellphone sa bag.
Malapit na akong malowbat at dagsa ang notifications sa phone ko. Rhett called my number a lot of times. May iilang text din.
Tumayo ako at ini-dial ang number niya. I bit my lower lip as I waited for him to answer.
"Baby?" he answered. Napahinga ako nang malalim. I'm just relieved that he answered! Wala pa naman akong ideya kung saan siya pumunta.
And he'd been calling me a lot of times. Kinakabahan ako na baka may emergency.
"Where are you? Nasa bahay na ako." Napahawak ako sa likod ng sofa. The exhaustion was already filling me. Masakit ang katawan ko dahil wala akong pahinga ngayong week.
"Baby, I texted."
Kumunot ang noo ko. "Huh? Where are you?"
"I'm at Boaz's. I told you to come here." Malumanay iyong boses niya.
"What are you doing there? Bored ka ba dito sa bahay?"
He chuckled. "Baby, it's Juni's birthday. We're waiting for you."
Namilog ang mga mata ko. I suddenly had the urge to punch myself for forgetting Juni's special day. Nangako pa naman ako sa kaniya na makakapunta ako.
The sudden exhaustion vanished as my adrenaline rush filled me. Agad kong kinuha ulit ang aking bag at tumakbo na patungo sa pinto. Rhett was still on the line.
"Drive safely, okay?" paalala ni Rhett. Tumango-tango ako kahit hindi niya nakita.
Juni will surely slap me hard for forgetting. It was surely a struggle for me remembe everything now. With the shifts and all, I sometimes failed to remember the special events. Noong una kong pasok sa residency, nakalimutan kong anniversary nina Mommy. I didn't buy a gift for them because I didn't have time. Buti nga at nakaabot pa ako. Although Mom understands that there would be times that something like that would happen, talagang nakakahiya pa rin na nakalimutan ko ang bagay na iyon.
I'm missing out on everybody like I am a total stranger. It was frustrating.
I drove as fast as I could. Iyong bagong bahay ni Kuya ay malapit lang din kina Mommy. Meanwhile, our house was a bit far from them. Malayo kasi ang ospital na pinagt-trabahuhan ko at office ni Rhett kina Mommy. It will take us roughly twenty minutes of driving.
I parked the car in front of Kuya Boaz's house. May iilan pang kotse akong nakita at siguradong sa mga kaibigan namin iyon. I spotted Rhett's car and even Darwin's. Ako na lang ang kulang at mukhang mapapagalitan pa ni Juni.
Rhett was already at the gate, waiting for me. Nang makita niya ako ay agad siyang napaayos nang tayo at lumapit sa akin. I gave him a peck on the lips. I let out a frustrated sigh.
"It's alright." Agap niya at hinawakan ang aking kamay.
"It's not!" I snapped in derailment. Talagang nakakasawa ng isipin na palaging nangyayari ito sa akin.
Rhett's eyes widened. Kahit ako nagulat sa biglaan kong pagsigaw. I bit my lower lip and looked away.
"Hey, hey, baby..." Rhett cupped my cheeks. Talagang nanghihina ako ngayon na hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko.
One moment, I was composed and calm and then, I am not.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ako umuusad. When everyone's becoming the people they want to be, I was all left behind.
Darwin and Marriam. Juni and Kuya. Kuya Jax and his fiance. Everyone of them are happy with what they have.
Ako rin naman. Masaya nang mapakasalan ko si Rhett but everything's crushing down and falling apart. At hindi ko alam kung makakaya ko bang buoin pabalik ang bagay na unti-unti nang nasisira.
"I keep on forgetting everything! I keep on disappointing everyone, Rhett!" Napasandal na ako sa kaniya kasi pagod na ako. I didn't know that I still have energy left to even say all these anticlimactic sentiments.
I was becoming dramatic and emotional right now. Iniisip kong pagod lang pero talagang nakakapagpababa ng loob ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.
"Hey, what are you saying?" Pinaharap ako ni Rhett sa kaniya. My eyes were blurry as its edges were filled with hot tears. Pinawi ko kaagad iyon kasi ayaw kong nakikita niya akong umiiyak.
"It's nothing...It's just...ugh!" I sighed in frustration. Rhett just smiled and planted a kiss on my forehead.
"You're doing good, okay? No one's disapointing anyone, baby. You're not disappointing everyone."
"I hope so." I replied curtly. Tinitigan ko si Rhett at nakitang ngumiti lang siya. At the back of my head, I was already thinking about his disappointed face.
I don't think I could ever make him happy. Pakiramdam ko, unti-unti...mawawalan na kami ng oras sa isa't isa.
I brushed the negative thoughts in my head. Sinubukan kong ngumiti.
When we entered Kuya Boaz's house, everyone had their eyes on us. Sina Mommy ay nandoon din at sina Sister. Bumitaw ako kay Rhett at lumapit kay Mommy.
"Good evening, 'My." I greeted lowly. I also greeted Dad before I proceeded with the others.
Huli ko ng nayakap si Juni na masama ang tingin sa akin. She just jokingly slap my face before hugging me so tight.
"Namiss kita! Ilang araw na tayong hindi nagkikita kasi sobrang busy mo!"
"I'm sorry. Marami kasing kailangang asikasuhin sa ospital at hindi madaling makapagfile ng day off."
"Naiintindihan ko naman. I was actually worried na baka hindi ka makadalo kasi ni on call ka na naman."
"Actually," I trailed. "Malapit na dyan sana."
She just pouted. Matapos ng maikling pag-uusap ay nakisalo na ako sa kanila. Rhett pulled me alongside with him and offered me dinner. It was already late and a heavy dinner is not appropriate for me.
"Sandwhich? You want sandwhich?" Rhett asked me with a skeptical look on his face.
Tumango ako. "These are heavy foods. You know I can't eat that much."
He just sighed. Labag sa loob man ay nagclip siya ng dalawang sandwhich na hugis triangle. I was just following him as he walk around. Nakahawak pa ako sa laylayan ng t-shirt na suot niya.
"How's work?" I asked him as I started eating. Nasa tabi kaming dalawa habang ang iba ay nagkukuwentuhan at nag-iinuman. Sina Mommy ay magpapalipas daw ng gabi dito kasi pagod na kaya hindi na muna sila umuwi.
"Same old. How about you? Any interesting patients?"
"Hmm?" I munched on the bread languidly. Inabutan ako ni Rhett ng tubig kaya uminom muna ako.
"We have an obese patient who wants to have a weight loss surgery." I started. Rhett leaned on the seat. Ang isang braso ay pumulupot sa aking baywang habang ang isa ay hawak ang aking kamay.
Bumaba ang tingin ko doon. His left hand showed our wedding ring. Ganoon din naman ang akin. Parang ngayon ko na lang din natitigan nang matagal ang wedding ring namin.
"What happened then?" Rhett's voice woke me. Napatingin ako sa kaniya, remembering our patient.
"I'll be assisting on the laparoscopic bariatric surgery, specifically a gastric bypass."
"That would be tomorrow?" Umiling ako. It's my day off tomorrow. Pinal na iyon.
"Two days from now. We still have to prep the patient and the OR's full for tomorrow so we'd have to move the schedule."
"Hmm," He hummed. Sumandal ako sa kaniya habang hawak 'yong sandwhich na natitira.
"Are you sure you're not hungry? Baby, you've been working for hours."
"Kumain na ako sa caf kanina. And oh," realization dawned on me. Humarap ako kay Rhett na medyo natatawa.
His eyes shoned with amusement. "What is it?"
"I bought pizza. I think I left it at the coffee table at home."
Pinanggigilan niya lang ang baywang ko na may bakas pa ng taba. Gaining weight is easy with my PCOS. Wala na akong masyadong time mag work out kaya as much as possible hindi rin ako kumakain ng marami para hindi dumagdag sa timbang. It's also effective that I take tea and avoided carbonated drinks.
"Should I get a gastric bypass too?" I asked him.
"You're not obese. You don't need that."
"I'm joking." I told as I chuckled. Sinamaan ako ng tingin ni Rhett. Nawala agad kasi lumapit sa amin si Marriam at sinabing magtipon-tipon kami doon.
"Buntis kaya si Juni?" Marriam whispered to me as we walk.
"What?" I chuckled. "She doesn't look pregnant to me. And do you think she's doing it with kuya?"
"Duh! Syempre. We're adults na. Sex is part of the relationship life."
Ngumiwi ako kay Marriam. "Wag mo na palang sabihin kasi ayaw kong iimagine si Juni at si Kuya."
"Silly. Malapit ng ikasal ang dalawa kaya okay lang iyan. I doubt anything could go wrong in their relation. Juni and your Kuya is compatible."
"Weh? Sinabi nyo kayang dalawa na hindi sila compatible!" Paninisi ko. Marriam just grinned.
Magkatabi kami ni Marriam habang nasa likod ko si Rhett. Darwin was beside Kuya Jax. Si Kuya at Juni ay nasa harapan at mukhang excited sa sasabihin.
"Juni's pregnant, everyone." Si Kuya at wala ng preno-preno. Hinampas siya ni Juni sa braso dahilan kung bakit nagtawanan kaming lahat.
"Sana lahat!" Kuya Jax said and laughed. "Di ko inakalang mauuna ka pa sa akin!" dugtong niya pa.
I was just smiling while I watch them. A new blessing has come to our family. Hinawakan ko ang aking tiyan at dinama. As usual, I don't feel anything at all. Wala akong maramdamang kakaiba. May naramdaman akong bigat sa dibdib na hindi ko maintindihan.
Maybe it's the longing feeling. Maybe it was my supressed hope. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan pa ba ako aasa.
A pair of arms embraced me from behind. Suminghap ako sa sobrang gaan ng yakap na iyon. He caught my hand that was on my stomach. Parang bigla-bigla ay naramdaman ko rin ang nararamdaman niya.
I'm sorry, Rhett. I still couldn't give you one. We still couldn't have what we wanted to have.
"I love you," He whispered softly.
Sa katagang iyon, nawala ang bigat sa aking dibdib. Knowing that he was still here, I am not losing hope. Siguro hindi pa nga sa ngayon. Siguro bukas. Siguro sa makalawa. Hindi ko alam pero...sana nga.
When we came home that evening, we ate the cold pizza that was left on the table. Nasa sala kami at magkatabing dalawa. I was watching the television while he was busy with something on his phone.
"Hindi ka pa matutulog?" I asked him.
"I took an off from work, baby."
Napangiti ako. "Ikaw talaga. Bakit palagi mong pinagsasabay off natin?"
"Isn't it obvious?" He raised a brow and lifted me up. He settled on me on his lap. Yumakap naman ako sa kaniyang leeg.
"I want to spend more time wtih you. It's a rare opportunity that we get to see each other everyday."
Naantig na naman ang puso ko. Although we've been living in one roof for almost two years, naninibago pa rin ako na hindi na malamig si Rhett. He could freely show off his feelings. He is becoming a loving husband and a man for me. At mas lalo ko siyang minahal kasi pinapakiramdam niya sa akin kung gaano ako kaimportante sa kaniya.
"I love you," sambit ko at pinatakan siya ng halik sa labi. Without ado, he returned the kiss in another level of fervor. Pumikit ako at dinama ang halik na iyon.
Sobrang sabik ko na siguro sa kaniya na mas lalo kong diinan niya ang paghalik sa akin. I gasped hard when he cupped my buttocks.
"Rhett," I moaned his name when he touched my aching peak. Hindi ko namalayang naglalakbay na ang kamay niya sa loob ng damit ko.
"I missed you," he whispered on my neck and bit me on my sensitive spot.
"Hmm, I missed you too." I replied back in a moan.
Being so intimate with Rhett takes courage. Alam ko namang mag-asawa kami pero nahihiya pa rin ako kapag pinapakita ko ang katawan sa kaniya. I am aware that my body isn't an ideal one but whenever Rhett stares at me, like I am a delectable meal, I gain confidence. Di bale ng hindi ko maipakita sa iba, as long as Rhett stares at me as if I am the most beautiful and sexiest woman, I am already contented.
"I love you. Ikaw lang." He whispered as he filled me to brim. Beads of sweat formed in my forehead as I moved in sync with him.
"I love you too, Rhett. So much." Pumikit ako. Sana may milagrong mangyari. I could only wish for Rhett's happiness. Kahit na sinabi niyang okay lang sa kaniya, nararamdaman kong, may puwang pa rin. I wanted to fill that void.
That night, I stayed wide awake thinking if something would ever happen after I wake up. Himbing na himbing na sa tulog si Rhett habang yakap ako. We settled comfortably on the bed as darkness embraced the both of us.
"Rhett?" I asked my husband as I sat up on our bed the next morning.
I felt him moved, "Yes, flower?"
"Lumilindol ba?"
"No? Are you not feeling well?" He asked and wrapped his arm around my waist.
Pumikit ako ulit ngunit ganoon pa rin. Umaalon ang paningin ko at parang hindi ako makapokus sa isang bagay. My stomach was churning as if a bug had evaded my system.
Dali-dali akong tumayo at tinakbo ang pagitan ng banyo. I immediately hugged the toilet bowl as I vomitted the contents of my stomach. I heard Rhett's frantic footsteps approaching me. The next thing I knew, he was already flushing the toilet, while I sat helplessly on the floor. Namamawis ako.
"You're not fine, " he immediately concluded as he carried me bridal style. Pinalo ko siya nang mahina sa pisngi.
"Magmumumog ako." I told him. Ibinaba niya naman ako sa sink at siya na ang nagbigay ng baso. I gargled.
"Are you hurt somewhere? Did someone harass you?" Tanong niya. Yumakap muna ako sa kaniyang leeg at nagpabuhat.
"Wala naman. Maybe it's from the sandwhich last night." I buried ny face on his neck. I sniffed his scent.
"I ate some. Hindi naman ako nahihilo. I doubt Juni would poison you just because you forgot."
Tumawa ako nang mahina. Hindi ko na lang siya pinansin kasi hindi pa rin maganda ang pakiramdam ko.
Rhett made me stay in our bedroom while he prepared our breakfast. Habang nasa kama ako ay sinubukan kong magtanong kay Kat sa nangyari sa akin.
She told me to try the pregnancy test. Ang hinala niya kasi ay buntis na ako. But it's impossible since I took the test last three days ago? At gaya ng mga dating resulta, ganoon pa rin naman.
I can't keep my hopes up. Ayaw ko lang din na umasa si Rhett.
"Sige na, tapusin mo muna 'yong blueprint mo. I'll be fine here. Wala namang mangyayari sa akin and I am not sick." I tried to convince him. He looked conflicted whether to leave me in our room or not. Buti na lang at agad na din siyang pumayag nang sabihin kong simpleng nausea lang ang naramdaman ko.
When Rhett went out of our room, I immediately got the three pregnancy test kits that I bought. After trying the first one and waiting for the results, I can't help but get nervous. Vomiting and nausea can be a sign that I am pregnant. Pero may iba namang sakit na associated din sa mga symptoms na iyon kaya ayaw kong umasa.
The first five minutes was hellish. Nang tingnan ko ang kit ay parang hindi na ako makahinga. There were two visible pink lines. Kumurap ako dahil hindi ako makapaniwala.
I held my chest as I tried to breathe. Tiningnan ko rin ang test na pangalawa kong kinuha. It shows the same result. Nanginginig ang kamay na kinuha ko ang kit at pinakatitigan.
"Baby, where are you?" Bumukas ang pinto sa banyo. I couldn't take my eyes off the kit that I didn't notice that Rhett was already beside me.
"What...?" Napalingon akonkay Rhett. A lone tear escaped my eye as I tried to smile at him.
"T-two lines." I stuttered.
"I can see that baby," he said as his eyes went to the kit. "Do the two lines mean something?"
"W-well, it's p-positive." But I am not really sure. Kung panaginip lamang ito, parang ayaw ko ng magising.
His eyes widened. "Y-you're..."
Tumango-tango ako. "It means you're going to be a dad!" I embraced him tight. Napahakbang siya paatras pero agad din naman akong nasalo.
"I'm gonna be a dad." He whispered, more to himself.
"Fuck, I'm going to be a dad?!" He exclaimed. Inilayo niya ako sa kaniya. His smile widened. Agad niya akong pinaulanan ng halik sa pisngi at pinanggigilan.
"We did a great job, baby!" he said with a lot of enthusiasm. I've never seen him so enthusiastic before. Parang nakalunok siya ng ilang multivitamins. His eyes were red and even his face.
"B-but what if it's just...a false positive result, Rhett?" I asked him, afraid of the possibility.
He looked at me. "We'll try again, baby. We'll try again. But you know what? I can feel it." He palmed my stomach. Pumikit ako at dinama ang init niya.
"I can feel our baby, flower. I just know it."
I cupped his face. Tumitig siya sa aking mga mata at hinihingal pa.
If it's real then, it's a miracle. I know, I only wished for it last night. Parang sobrang bilis. I never knew that God was planning on it. Hinihiling ko pa lang, pero ang plano Niya, paparating na. Indeed, God's thoughts are higher than ours. He knows our wishes even before we asked for it.
"You are indeed pregnant, Mrs. Vasiliev. Congratulations." My OB-GYN smiled at me as she handed me the results.
Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa ni Rhett. He held my hand and kissed it. Tiningnan niya ako na parang sinasabing tama siya.
Ngumiti ako sa kaniya, nangingilid pa ang luha. I couldn't contain the happiness that I was feeling. Parang puputok ang puso ko sa saya.
Hindi ko alam kung saan ko pa ipapasok ang sobrang kasiyahan ko. I only wish for Rhett to be happy. Pero sobra-sobra ang natanggap ko.
I knew, from that moment on, that I am happy. I am contented. I have a family now. A family that I could call my own. I started from nothing...but now, I have everything.
Magkahawak kamay kaming lumabas ng clinic. Under the bright sun, I faced him with a smile on my face.
"Thank you, Rhett. I love you."
"No, thank you, flower. You and our child is the best gift that I could ever have. Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for bringing so much color into it. I love you."