As I barely stepped on the dance-floor, all my five senses were immediately saturated: the beat was loud enough to make my whole body pulsate with the rhythm; multicolor lights were flashing in my eyes, almost blinding me; the crowd was surrounding us and people kept bumping into me, spreading their intense smell of sweat and cheap deodorant and my tongue was so dry it tasted like sand.
Mike, Sarah and I found a spot in the middle of the dance-floor and started dancing. The tune was good enough and even though I kept looking left and right just in case, I soon forgot about what was going on and made one with the crowd, shaking my hips in rhythm and having fun with my friends.
"That's it, girl!" Sarah screamed at me through the loud music, grinning.
Mike seemed to have a good time too, dancing and watching his girlfriend's sexy moves for him. However, that didn't prevent him from watching the other girls too, which annoyed Sarah a lot.
"Does he do that often?" I shouted at Sarah and pointed at Mike who smiled at one of the girls.
"Pretty much. It's a little annoying, I know." she admitted. "But he's my man, that's the way he is, so I don't mind!" she answered.
However, as we kept dancing, I suddenly turned my head realized Bill and Tom were a few meters behind me. Neither of them had noticed me and I made a gesture at Sarah with a worry look. When she noticed them, she looked at Mike, then winked at me and asked me to follow her.
"Hey, guys! Long time no see!" she said and got closer to them.
"Sarah! Hi, what's up?" Tom asked as he recognized her.
When I faced Bill, we barely said a word and I stared at him coldly.
"Does it still hurt?" I asked, pointing at his cheek.
"Not anymore." he replied neutrally.
"Ok."
That was it. Although I wouldn't show it, I was a little reassured to hear him say he was okay.
"How are you?" Tom asked Sarah.
"Just hanging around with Angela and my boyfriend." she replied as soon as he followed her.
"Hi." Mike simply said and shook hands with Tom.
"Hi." Tom replied.
Needless to say, he looked a little disappointed, for some reason. However, he and Mike scowled at each other with a smile. For a second, the tension was almost visible between them.
Nonetheless, the music changed and the five of us soon started to dance again. I didn't know the song but I couldn't wait for it to make me forget about who I was again. As I stayed close to Sarah, I couldn't help glancing at Bill dancing from time to time. I guess I stared at him for too long at some point because he suddenly turned his head and looked back at me. When I looked for Sarah and Mike, they were both gone. I saw the twins smile at each other and saw Bill come closer to me. Alone in the crowd, I let him approach me until we ended up face to face and I felt his eyes on me, towering over me, before he leaned his head closer.
"You look really hot tonight." he said softly in my ear. "It makes me want to enjoy myself with you even more."
I kept my head down, trying hard not to blush. We were so close now I could smell his perfume on his neck. Furthermore, each time I would step back, he would take a step forward until I finally gave up and made my way through the crowd towards the bar as I heard Tom laugh. That's where I found Sarah and her boyfriend, drinking and laughing like the happy couple they were.
"I can't." I said and as I stood at the counter next to Sarah, discouraged.
"Why not? What happened?" she asked me, now sounding a little tipsy.
"I can't. I just can't." I repeated. "I know what you told me, try to beat them at their own game but he keeps doing all that and they just, and I'm not-" I gave up on finishing that sentence and sighed.
Suddenly, Sarah seemed to sober up and stared at me, thoughtful.
"I know what you need." she said and called the bartender. "You're thinking way too much. You need something to relax a little. After that, everything will be fine!"
"Come on, Sarah." I replied. "I can't. I'm short on cash!"
"It's okay. Mike pays it all for tonight." she said and kissed him on the cheek.
However, I was still hesitating. I then looked back at the twins who were still dancing, flirting with other girls and seemed to have completely forgotten about us, and replied to my best friend:
"Fine, you're right. I'll have what she had!" I told the barmaid over the loud beat.
"There you go. That's the spirit, girl!" Sarah claimed and raised her own glass when mine arrived. "Cheers!"
My drink was very sweet and burned my insides like fire when it came down my throat. I wasn't used to drinking a lot. But after the second, the third, the fourth cup, it felt much, much better. After a while, Sarah and I went to the bathrooms to rearrange our make-up.
"I'm completely numb!" I declared, feeling my hands tingle and my head spin lightly.
"You what?" Sarah asked, as drunk as I was.
"Never mind!" I replied and giggled. "I feel like I'm on fire right now!"
"Great! So? Ready to get back into the lion's den?"
"You bet!" I said and took my head out to look at the dance-floor. "Watch out, boys. Here I come!"
"Alright! Oh, wait!" Sarah said and looked at my skirt. "It's torn up on the side."
"It is? Well, look!" I said and ripped it even more so my whole thigh was showing on the side. "That's better!"
Sarah looked at me, wide-eyed.
"You look so hot I could eat you up!"
"Save these words for your boyfriend. Come on, let's go! I can't wait!"
"Er, yeah, you go." Sarah replied, fidgeting. "I really have to go to the bathroom, now."
As she locked herself in, I shrugged.
"Fine, see you later then!" I said and left the lady's room with a wicked smile on my face.
When I went back on the dance-floor, the twins still hadn't moved from their spot and the girls were gone. I walked closer, dancing next to them again and I felt Bill approach me once more. However, this time, I was ready and didn't step back. I let him come closer and closer until our brows even touched. My heart was still racing but not from fear. It only felt good as I felt the alcohol in my blood stimulate my whole system. I looked at Bill right in the eye and smiled before I moved even closer and put my hand around his neck. This seemed to disturb him. Behind him, I could see his brother wasn't smiling anymore either. When I decided to slide my leg between his, Bill in turn stepped back to look at me, surprised. I grinned, a little afraid of my own temerity.
"What's wrong?" I asked and opened my arms, inviting. "Didn't you say I looked hot to you tonight?"
I was so proud of myself I started laughing and didn't wait for his answer before I directly headed back to the bathrooms, partly running away again.
"Sarah!" I called when I arrived in the room, still giggling. "Guess what I just said to you-know-who! You should've seen their faces! They were totally like "what the hell?"! That was so cool! Hey, Sarah! You're still there?"
There was no answer. In fact, the whole room was empty and quiet.
"Oh, of course she left." I told myself out loud. "Probably making out with her stupid rich, handsome boyfriend somewhere. Well, fuck them." I concluded and washed my face at one of the sinks. When I felt a little refreshed and composed again, I raised my head and looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't look that bad tonight, although it was probably due to the heavy make-up, the excessive amount of glitters in my blonde hair and the fact that I the alcohol was half-blurring my vision. In the reflection, I saw a person standing at the entrance and I smiled, thinking it was Sarah. But when I looked closer, I realized too late that it wasn't her and my smile froze.
Bill was standing behind me at the entrance of the room, staring at me through the reflection.
"Wrong room." I muttered. "Men's room's on the left."
The music could barely be heard in there, almost like someone was humming the song. This situation looked way too much like the scene Bill had with the blond girl on the set. Without a word, I listened to him slowly walk towards me, step by step, until he stopped right behind my back. Although I remained expressionless, I could feel myself collapse from the inside. He then pressed a hand against the wall in front of me and bent over me to nuzzle into my neck, which made me stifle a sigh. This time, it wasn't an illusion.
"You do look hot tonight." he whispered. "It's okay for me to say that, right? You're not gonna run away again, are you?"
Annoyed by his taunting, I turned to face him and smiled.
"I'm not going anywhere, Mr. Kaulitz." I replied very close to his face and wrapped my hands around his neck once more. "On the other hand, since I know the game you're playing and you do not like what you're doing at all, I know you will be the first to ask me to stop."
"Am I?" he replied innocently.
He pushed me to the side and pinned me against the wall before lowering his hand down to one of my breasts with a challenging look on his face. As much as the contact bothered me, I ignored it and held on to my embrace like I was holding on a bull that was trying to shake me off. At the same time, I kissed the bare skin on his open shirt. He suddenly pressed me so hard against the wall I had no choice but to raise my head again before he slid a hand under my shirt and caught my lips in his. I was so surprised I gasped in his mouth and closed my eyes. When a girl came in and saw us in that position, we both interrupted the kiss and froze. Ignoring us, she drank water from one of the taps, rearranged her hair and left. When I tried to kiss him again, Bill moved his head back and looked down at the ground in silence. We both parted, knowing that that girl's presence had brought us back to reality for a second and I sensed it had created a chill between us.
"What's wrong?" I asked Bill with a smirk. "Are you giving up yet?"
"I'm not in love with you."
These words took me off guard and I paused. His tone of voice was neither cold nor hateful. It was quiet, like a simple statement.
"O-Of course not," I stuttered and rearranged a strand of hair. "Who said you were?"
"I don't love you." Bill repeated. "I don't wanna date you now, or in the future. I just don't think you're the kind of girl for me. Sorry."
He was now a few meters away from me, looking at me with a calm expression. As I tried to stay as composed as him, I couldn't help bringing my hands to my face, or my mouth or my hair in automatic gestures. At this moment, a volcano was erupting in my mind and I couldn't hold it back.
"Why?" I asked in a half-choked voice and looked at Bill in the eyes, clenching my fists. "Why did you have to say that? I never asked you to date me! I never will! I know I don't stand a chance! I know that!"
"Are you crying?" he asked.
That's when I realized that, indeed, I was on the verge of tears.
"I'm not crying!" I screamed. "I'll never cry for assholes like you! I know there's no charming prince for fat, ugly girls like me! Why do guys like you always have to remind us that? Fuck you!" I said and pushed him out of the way.
When I left the room, staggering, tears were flooding on my cheeks like Niagara Falls. When I looked for Sarah on the dance-floor, I saw her in the corner of the room, leaning on her boyfriend and making out with him. However, I was so tired and upset I decided to leave her there and sent her a message.
"Tired. I'm going home. I'll call you when I arrive. Good night."
Outside, the atmosphere was cool and, after the permanent noise and strobe lights in my face, the silence and darkness of the night felt thicker than ever.