tw: abortion
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CHRYSANTHEMUM
I just found myself crying on Jyll's shoulder. It's been years since the last time I have done this. He's not talking nor moving. His hands are resting on my back. He did not even caress it but all I felt was comfort.
Ako na ang naunang kumalas sa yakap niya. I wipe my tears away and then started walking again. I need to find Niah. Something's really wrong with her and I need to do something.
She isn't the badass type. May pagkamaldita 'yon pero matino namang mag-aral 'yon. I need to talk to her to know her reasons. The past few weeks, she had been acting peculiar. Late na siyang umuuwi ng bahay at nagkukulong lang sa kwarto. Hindi ko naman pinapansin dahil sa totoo lang, nasanay na akong walang tao sa bahay at ako lang mag-isa.
Iniisip kong baka may problema siyang iniinda at sinasarili. Nakakatakot kasi medyo mahina pa naman ang loob no'ng isang 'yon. O baka naman may nangyayari na sa kaniyang hindi namin alam. Maybe she's being a rebel or ewan! I can think a lot of reasons why pero ayokong mag-entertain ng masama.
"Okay ka na?" Hindi ko alam na sinundan pala ako ni Jyll.
"Wala ka bang klase?" Sinubukan kong ibaling sa ibang bagay ang usapan. I wanted to act like he didn't hug me while I'm crying. I wanted to act like I wasn't hoping. Ayoko nang umasa. Besides, I still have to address something. Ayaw ko na munang isipin ang sa aming dalawa ni Jyll.
"I have," he answered, sighing. "But I can't just let you go somewhere, may pagka-impulsive ka pa naman."
I looked at him and arched my brow, "I know what I'm doing. Ano bang alam mo?"
Ayoko mang ibuntong sa kaniya ang frustrations ko, pero gusto kong isigaw sa kaniya lahat right now. Sino ba siya? Sino ba siya at parang alam niya lahat ng nararamdaman ko? No, he doesn't know, he doesn't care. Kasi kung oo, hindi siya gagawa ng mga bagay na mas lalong magtutulak sa'kin para mas mahulog pa sa kaniya. Kasi kung alam niyang nasasaktan ako dahil sa kaniya, he wouldn't do things like hugging me, holding my hands and acting jealous.
"Wala kang alam," I answered. "Kaya pwede ba Jyll, just leave me please." He didn't answer anything. He just left me there.
I went back to the classroom just to get my things. Balak kong magpaalam kay Ma'am Ladesma na sumama ang pakiramdam ko. Hindi na rin muna ako a-attend ng meeting ng council mamaya. Maybe I'm just gonna cancel or let Gallego handle it.
As I'm taking my step on the stairs, someone pulled my hand from behind. The first person that came to my mind is Jyll, hindi pa rin niya ba ako tatantanan? But to my surprise, it was Marmyx. Ongoing ang class nila ngayon, ah?
"Did you cry?" Nag-aalalang tanong nito sa akin. He examined me carefully before looking straight to my eyes. "May ginawa na naman ba sa'yo si Jyll?"
Umiling ako. Wala ako sa mood na magpaliwanag o makipag-usap. Gusto kong umuwi or pumunta sa kung saan para makita at makausap ang kapatid ko. Maybe she needs me and I need to know what's happening to her.
"Bakit hindi ka sumasagot?" His face looks even more worried than earlier dahil hindi ako nagsasalita. I was just staring at him. "Jazz naman."
Sa ibang oras siguro, I will glare at him when he's calling me my second name. But no, not right now. Masyadong maraming tumatakbong bagay sa utak ko para pansinin pa 'yon.
"Marmyx," seryosong sabi ko. I don't want to speak but I need to tell him something. Halatang nagulat siya nang first name niya ang ginamit kong pantawag sa kaniya. "Please cancel the meeting later."
"Okay," he answered. He didn't even ask why, maybe because he knows that I'm not going to answer it.
"Can I ask a favor?" I asked.
"What is it?" Tanong niya. Bakas sa mukha niyang marami siyang gustong sabihin at naguguluhan siya sa mga nangyayari but he just chose to shut up, which is a good thing. I cannot entertain his queries right now. Kakaiba ang kabang nararamdaman ko para kay Niah ngayon.
"Can you get my bag? Tell Ma'am Ladesma I'm into an important task," utos ko. I don't know if it's some kind of lie but this matter is important for me.
"Okay." Hindi na siya nag-atubili pang magtanong ng kung anu-ano, bagkus ay kumaripas na siya ng takbo pataas. Hindi ko naman sinabing magmadali siya pero pakiramdam ko ay gets ni Marmyx ang mga nangyayari. Maybe he didn't know that it's about my sister, but he can sense that this is something very important for me.
I just stood on the railings and looked at the school grounds, hoping I could see someone affiliated with Niah. Luckily, I saw one of her friends.
I immediately went downstairs to ask her some things. Halos hinihingal pa ako nang maabutan ko siya dahil kinailangan kong tumakbo.
"Excuse me?" Habol hiningang sambit ko.
"If this is about Niah," sabi nito na nakatingin sa akin. "I'm sorry but I can't answer your question, Ate."
"Please?" I pleaded. She's contemplating whether to tell me or not, that's what I can read through her. I don't know, maybe my sister had already warned her. Niah, what's up with you?
"I'm sorry, Ate." Umiling-iling pa ito. "I really can't."
I sighed deeply, "if you can't, just please tell me where I can find her." I looked at her, beseechingly.
"I think she's with Marki," she answered. My brows furrowed. Who the hell is Marki?
"Who's Marki?"
"Boyfriend niya, Ate," sagot nito. "Simula no'ng hindi na siya nagpapa-pasok, iyon lagi ang kasama niya. She just texted me last night, asking what to do."
I nodded at her before thanking her and letting her go. Hindi niya rin alam kung nasaan si Niah ngayon. Hindi ko naman napansin kung umuwi ba siya kagabi or umuuwi pa ba siya sa bahay.
Hindi ko alam. I really feel like I failed. I was super busy the past few days. Masyado akong kampante sa kaniya kaya hindi ko na siya nache-check. Ngayon ko lang na-realize na hindi ko pala siya namataan kahit isang beses kahapon. I felt guilty. Am I that bad sister?
I exhaled before walking back to where Marmyx left me pero nakita ko na siyang nakatayo sa tapat ng main building. Hawak niya ang bag ko sa kanang kamay niya at nakasukbit ang sarili niyang bag kaliwang balikat niya.
"Tapos na ang klase?" I asked.
"Hindi pa." Umiling ito ng tatlong beses at seryosong tumingin sa akin.
"Oh, saan ka pupunta?" Tanong ko pang muli.
"Sasama sa'yo," he answered. "Miss na agad kita, eh," biro nito kaya sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. I know he was just trying to lighten up the mood but it wasn't working.
"Wala akong panahon sa mga pa-ganiyan mo, Gallego," sabi ko sa kaniya at nagsimula nang maglakad. Kaagad niya naman akong sinundan. Seryoso ata talaga siyang samahan ako.
"May klase, bumalik ka na do'n," masungit na sambit ko. Dadagdag pa ata 'to sa mga iniisip ko.
"Ayoko," sagot niya. Ang tigas naman ng ulo nito, ang sarap iumpog.
"Seryoso ako, Marmyx," I looked at him straight in the eye, trying to intimidate him.
"Seryoso rin ako," ganti niya. Nakipagtitigan din ito sa akin. His eyes tell a lot. Madami, hindi ko maipaliwanag. Pero sure akong hindi ko siya kayang ma-intimidate dahil ako ang nai-intimidate sa titig niya. "Miss na kita agad, yieee."
Malandi itong tumawa kaya napatawa rin ako pero agad ring nawala. Wala nga pala akong oras sa mga pa-harot nito ni Gallego. I went to my car in the parking lot. Again, sumunod na naman siya. I opened my car and I was about to enter the driver's seat when he immediately went to enter first. Déjà vu. Ganito rin ang ginawa niya noon sa bahay nina Jhya. Gusto atang mag-apply as driver nito ni Gallego.
"You didn't tell me you wanted to be my driver," I said as I turned around and went to the other side. Nakabukas na ang pinto nang makarating ako roon. Si Gallegi na ang nagbukas para sa akin.
"Now you know," he uttered as I fastened my seatbelt. "Basta driver, sweet lover." Kumindat na naman siya kaya inirapan ko na lang. Mga paandar nito ni Gallego, nakakairita.
"Sa'n tayo?" Tanong niya habang inii-start ang engine.
"Bahay muna," I answered. I got my phone and then I tried to chat with my sister.
1:12
How are you?
seen 1:13
1:14
I'm fine.
seen 1:14
Where are you?
seen 1:15
She didn't reply which made me worry more. Pakiramdam ko ay ayaw niya talagang sabihin ang mga pinagdadaanan niya.
"What exactly happened?" Gallego asked no'ng malapit na kami sa subdivision. Maybe he's trying to find a good timing to ask me.
"Niah isn't attending her classes," I answered. "Something's wrong with her."
Minutes passed by at nasa bahay na kami. Hindi ko alam kung bakit dito ko naisipang pumunta but it was the first thing that came to my mind. Baka lang naman. Isa pa, hindi ko rin alam kung ano pa ang mga lugar na pupuntahan niya.
"You think she's here?" Tanong ni Gallego nang makapasok kami sa loob ng bahay.
"I don't know," I honestly answered. "Dito ka muna sa sala."
I went upstairs to check her room. Hindi ko alam pero kakaiba talaga ang kabang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Ang bigat sa pakiramdam. Kasama ko naman madalas sa bahay si Niah, pero bakit wala akong alam? I should've asked her often. Kami ang palaging magkasama rito, e.
I went to her room to check if she's there. Hindi naka-lock ang pinto nito niya at bumungad sa akin ang walang tao pero magulo niyang kwarto. Ang una kong napansin ay ang makalat niyang kama kung saan nakalatag ang isang maleta at halos lahat ng damit niya. She was like packing her things. I also checked her walk-in closet only to see it was almost empty dahil nga nasa kama ang mga damit niya.
I was about to leave when I heard the sound of water flowing inside her bathroom. Bukas nga ang ilaw dito, maybe she's in there. Lumapit ako roon at kumatok. Idinikit ko ang tainga ko sa pinto para marinig.
"No, ayoko!" Dinig kong sigaw niya roon.
"Niah!"
"Ayoko nga, bakit ba ang kulit mo?" I thought I am the one she's talking to but she speak again, "Hindi madali ang pinapagawa mo!"
"Fine! Fine!" I heard her say after a minute of silence. Maybe she's talking to someone on the phone since waa naman akong marinig na iba niyang kausap.
I thought she was going to open the door but instead, I heard her sobbing inside. Oh my gosh, she's crying!
I knocked for a few times but I don't know if she can hear it. I began to panic since I don't know what's going on with her. Ano ayaw niyang gawin?
"Niah!" I called her for the nth time and luckily, she replied.
"A-Ate, j-just go away!" Sabi nito.
"Open this, please! Tell me, what's happening?"
Her sobs became louder and I panicked more. Nanginginig ang kamay kong kinuha ang phone ko para tawagan si Gallego.
"Hello, Gallego, please find a maid and tell her that I need a duplicate key for Niah's bathroom," mabilis kong sambit dito.
"Ate, just leave me alone. Nothing's gonna happen to me!" I heard her shouted but I didn't follow what she said. Nanatili lang ako doon habang pinaglalaruan ang mga daliri ko at hinihintay sina Gallego.
Ilang minuto ang lumipas at hindi ko na alam ang nangyayari. Para akong mababaliw. Paulit-ulit kong sinusubukang tawagin si Kenniah pero hindi na siya sumasagot. Hindi ko na rin gaanong marinig ang hikbi niya.
Natatakot ako sa mga posibilidad. Wala sana siyang gawing masama sa sarili niya. Lord, please.
My eyes grew wide when I saw Gallego and a maid rushing inside Niah's room. Maging ang mga kasambahay ay halatang nagpa-panic rin. Gallego went beside me and squeezed my hand. May mga ibinulong pa siya pero hindi ko na maintindihan. Wala na akong maintindihan.
When the door opened, tears escaped my face as I saw Niah staring blankly somewhere while holding a bottle. It wasn't a bottle of beer or anything. It's a poison, not for herself but for someone innocent.