Chapter 10
To live freely
Adam stumbles half-awake into the kitchen with a surprised expression. He only wears a pair of sweatpants and I have to tear my gaze away from his bare chest. It was bad enough that I barely wanted to leave the bed earlier. He looks so... edible. Yes, that's the word! I almost can't believe that the Wolf Spirits managed to pair me up with a man like him. His aura tells me that he is kind hearted and warm; that's enough for me.
I am frying eggs on the stove, glad that I'm not entirely useless at cooking. I made some toast earlier and I throw the eggs on them when they are ready. I can't help but admire the beautiful handmade plates. I see a woman's face inside my mind, but I can't remember what her name is. She was there at the party yesterday.
I rarely had flashes at Rosalea because I knew every citizen inside out. I have to get used to them now that I will learn to know more people. Wolf Spirits can see the bonds between things and it has been very helpful for me so far.
I have to be careful so anyone won't guess my secret. They will never understand the sacrificing exchange Jupiter and I did. I wouldn't have it undone, but it is hard to live like everyone else when I hear the Wolf Spirit calls all around me. I gave my Wolf to Jupiter and he gave me his Wolf Spirit soul. Jupiter will die when my body dies and I will take his place in the spirit world.
"Good morning, mate," I greet Adam and put the plates on his small kitchen table. "I hope you are hungry."
"Starving," he answers quickly. "My Mom is the only one who ever cooked me breakfast before."
I raise my eyebrow at him and take a seat by the table. The smell turns my insides into jelly and I already feel like throwing up. Come on, Kate. Not now! Wolf Spirits, give me strength to eat. I sign for Adam to sit down and he follows my demand. I hope my cooking is nearly as good as his mother's.
"Did I cook too little for you?" I ask worriedly in an attempt to get rid of my own breakfast. "You can have mine too. I'm really fine with just fruit in the morning."
"Are you sure?" he says hopefully with a hungry glare at the food. I shove the plate over to him and he grins widely so my heart skips a beat. "Thanks sweetheart."
Adam eats quickly and finishes his breakfast before I manage to eat one fruit. I am trying my best to eat it slow like I don't have any hurry in the world instead of shoving how hard it is to get it down. I can't shift so I don't need nearly as much food as every other wolf does.
It's weird to be home again. I remember the village from a child's point of view, but it is so much different for me now. I can sense my family from where they are and Mother is stalking determined towards this cabin. It doesn't surprise me much. Her whole aura is reeking with the need to protect her cubs.
"Mother is on her way," I inform Adam who pales at the mention. "You might want to put a shirt on."
He flies up from his seat and into his room where he searches through his drawers for decent pieces of clothes. He swears to himself and I keep nibbling at my orange without the slightest bit of hurry. I don't know what he's so freaked about. It's just my mother. She's looking after me and Adam should take it as a man.
I woke up thrilled to see the cookie and milk waiting for me this morning. It warms my heart that she still cares so much for me even though I am home.
Starley stalks into the house without knocking and gives a half dressed Adam a stern glare. He quickly throws his white t-shirt over his head and smiles weakly back at her.
"Kate, Adam; good morning," she says without a hint of emotion in her voice. "Will this be a regular thing?" She turns her head and her eyes become softer when she looks at me.
"I don't know, it only happened once," I answer her and put down the last of the orange on the table. I don't feel sick anymore to my comfort. I give my mother a daring glare back. "Don't intimidate my mate, mother. You are making the Wolf Spirits upset."
Mother takes a step back in respect at my request and Adam suddenly breaks out in a loud nervous laugh.
"You two are so alike," he says amused. "It seems like Kate grew into your personality Mrs Starley."
"Indeed she did, against all odds," Mother says thoughtfully. "She didn't lose her rebellious side. I was afraid that Mary and Kate would be the same all their lives. Sometimes I blame myself for what happened because of that stupid thought."
Sorrow fills me when I think of Mother who suffered so many years for something that wasn't her fault.
"The Wolf Spirits gives us strength when needed. They do not force us away from our family. Each individual is given a free will that the Spirits will not interfere with. Mother, it is not your fault that I was taken. It was entirely his."
I shake in anger when I think of all the years he kept me away from here. I owe Elias so much for rescuing me. I forced a lid on my emotions for too many years just to prove myself for Rosalea that I can behave.
"Kate I am aware that you are independent and brought up in a different way than I would have," Mother says respectfully. "You are also old enough to make your own decisions and mistakes. I was away too long from your life to request you to listen to my wishes."
"I am free," I state confidently and happy that she understands me even if it is hard for her to let me go.
"Yes, Kate. You are free."
I close my eyes and my weak knees are barely holding me up. I am free but I still feel chained to this body and this life I'm forced to live until I can join the life that's waiting for me. I need Jupiter and I don't feel like lending him out to Mary. He should be here and comfort me.
"I need to see Mary," I tell Mother and Adam. "She needs me."
"She's working in the garden this morning," Mother tells me even though I know exactly where she is. "I need to talk with Adam. Aren't you wearing shoes?"
She gives my naked feet a glance and I quickly look down on them and wriggle my toes. It's nice to feel the floor in direct contact to my skin. It also feels weird to hold a conversation with the Mother I barely know. It must feel so weird for her too.
"Not wearing shoes is freedom," I tell her smartly and grab Adam's elbow. "Have a nice day at work." I reach up and plant a kiss on Adam's cheek before leaving the house.
The village looks different in daylight. It's very peaceful and eerie with the most amazing gardens. I must find someone who knows everything about the flowers. My hands are craving for contact with greenery.
I can hear everything that's happening in the village, but it's a mass of sounds and I need to focus hard to hear a specific conversation. It will take a few weeks to sort who all voices belong to. First I listen to Mary who is digging a hole in the ground for a reason I need to ask her about. She seems to be in a good mood and I am happy about that. My brother's mate is lazily lying on her back on the grass. Tom is in another part of the village, looking after a few people who seem to be prisoners of some kind.
It feels fantastic to be back with my own pack. I don't feel like an outcast and every person outdoors waves happily when they see me. I just wonder how many days it will take before they also start giving me weird glances. I hope never. I really must try to get over my eating disorder! I can't show Adam how all my ribs stands out under my clothes.
I am curious about what my mother has to say to my mate. I turn my attention back to them and Adam is a little bit nervous.
"Adam," Mother says softer than I thought she would. "I count on you to make Kate feel that this is her home. I've been so worried for her all these years. I read the report you gave me yesterday from Mrs Denwood. Some of the things made me realize that we can't expect anything from her. She is independent and choses her own way of living life."
"I don't know Mrs Starley. I will try, but so far it doesn't look like I have reached her heart. Then she came to me in the middle of the night and even made me breakfast when I woke up. I don't know what she expects of me. I can't read her at all."
"We should let her make up her own rules. She doesn't consider home to be on a specific place. She might move around a bit within our territory before she settles down on one. She didn't use her room on Rosalea. She slept outdoors on the ground to prevent herself from feeling attached to a certain place. It will be hard for her to let go of that thinking."
"I just met her a few days ago," Adam sighs. "I will learn to know her before I take our relationship any deeper."
"I trust you to hold your promise," my mother says in her cold regular tone again. "She needs rehabilitation first. It doesn't mean that you can't see her as your mate. Not like that stupid behaviour Tom has towards poor Leanne."
Adam chuckles at that comment and I agree with my mother on that. It feels weird that they are talking about me when I'm not there and I will try my hardest to show them that it isn't as bad as they are making me sound like. I should try to meet them halfway so I don't only expect them to figure me out.
I have only passed two houses along the way and I drag my feet forward. Their huge gardens are still making me gawk and I can't believe that I once took all of this for granted. The whole nature belonged to everyone on Rosalea but I love the idea of owning my own piece of ground that is mine. Adam has a small garden and I don't mind it being small. He's my mate so does it mean that it is my garden too?
I feel a little bit confused. Mother told Adam and me to go slow so how much can I expect of him? Can I claim his house as mine or must I wait for him to actually marry me?
The thoughts are making me dizzy and I need to rest a bit on the grass to make them go away. I put my hands on both sides of my head to make it all calm down. I so wish I could be deaf for just some minutes! My body isn't made to take the pressure of everything a Wolf Spirit can do. I feel Adam and Mother leave the cabin but I don't move from my position as they walk up to me.
"Kate, are you alright?" Mother asks me worriedly and knees down so she can put her arms around me. It feels nice.
"No," I tell her honestly. "What am I supposed to do? What is my role here? What if I already know where I want to live?"
"You just need to tell us, Kate," Mother ensures me. "We will stand behind your wishes, right Adam?"
"Of course," Adam quickly agrees. "I will do anything to make you happy."
"It will be hard to settle down on one place, just like you think Mother," I start.
"Did you hear our conversation?" Mother interrupts me surprised.
"I want to live with Adam. I want his house to be my home," I add confidently without answering her question. "I will always see your home as my home too, Mother. I just want the freedom to come and go as I please."
"I will not put a leash on you," Adam says with a warm smile that makes my heart feel warmer. "My house is your home."
"Your garden is my garden?" I ask him shyly and look down on the ground.
"Yes the garden too," he says amused.
"That is all I need to know," I say relieved. "I was afraid that I wouldn't have any place to work, but your garden will suit well for the plans I have for it."
"I need to get to class," Mother says and let her arms fall down from me. "Adam will bring you to Mary. You shouldn't have to worry about anything. Promise me?"
"Do you want me to lie?" I ask her tiredly and she gets up on her feet a bit frustrated.
"I just hate what that man did to you," she adds with poison in her voice. "I'm at school until five. You know where to find me if you need me."
I reach up my hands to Adam and let him help me up to my feet. I need some alone time with the spirits to calm down, but first I need to retrieve Jupiter from my sister. Adam slides his arm around my waist and push me towards his hip and we walk like that towards my old home. My whole body heats up by his touch and I stop in the middle of the road just to give him a quick kiss on the lips.
"Do you like me Adam?" I don't know why the words rolls out from my mouth, but I feel like biting my tongue for it.
"So far I do," he tells me seriously. "I like you a lot."
"I'm afraid you won't like all parts of me." There again I can't keep my mouth shut!
"I don't expect you to praise everything about myself either," he answers me brightly. "Don't worry about it, Little One. I'm sure we won't fight as much as one of my best friends and her mate does."
We finally reach my parent's house and I feel exhausted. Mary and Leanne is in the garden and Jupiter is watching after them like he promised me.
"Kate!" Mary waves to me franticly when she sees me. Her happiness shines through her whole being and it's hard to understand how much I mean to her. She gives me a hug and she takes a quick step back when she realizes that her hands are all dirty. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you all muddy."
I look at the ground and inspect the hole my sister is making. It's rectangular and about as long as I am. I don't like that she is doing heavy work; she is putting too much pressure on her heart. Only I can feel how it is shaking in exhaustion from the exercise.
"Are you digging my grave?" I ask her thoughtfully. "In that case you need it to be deeper."
Leanne breaks out in laughing fit. "You are so funny!"
"It's not funny," Mary says angrily. "Don't make jokes like that." She glares at me but I don't feel intimidated by her.
I walk over to where Jupiter is standing and he understands what I want and surrounds me protectively.
"Adam will help you with all the digging," I tell her sternly and I hear how I sound like our mother. "All the digging," I add and give Adam a challenging look but he isn't interested to object to my idea. "I need to visit the Wolf Spirits. I will be back when I am done."
I turn around to walk into the forest, but my sister hinders me by grabbing my arm with her both hands.
"Don't go," she begs. "It's not like the Wolf Spirits are important anyway."
I feel the pain that goes through Jupiter at Mary's words and I look at her bewildered. Both for hurting my best friend and insulting the Spirits who helped me survive through the years.
"Don't listen to her, Jupiter," I say out loud to soothe his pain. "She doesn't understand."
I free myself from her grip and I feel all three pairs look after me worriedly as I escape into the forest. The Wolf Spirits are keeping them from following me and I walk quickly to put distance between me and the village. I trip on a root and fall to the ground. An arm catches me before I hit the ground and I breathe in hastily as Jupiter pulls me up.
I look at my glowing friend and he looks back at me sadly. He has also left the only home he ever known so we both feel quite lost here.
"Mary doesn't trust the Wolf Spirits," he says. "I want to help her feel better, but she pushes me away."
I slip my arms around him. "I'm sorry for bringing you here. I don't want you to feel pain."
"I'm just sad for her sake," Jupiter says and closes his eyes. I don't know why he feels so affected by my sister's words. It doesn't feel right.
"Do you want to go on a run?" I ask him and he smiles brightly at my suggestion. There wasn't much space to make long runs on Rosalea, but here we have a lot of it. "You are more important to me than my own family and even my mate."
I caress his cheek and I can see the unconditionally love he holds for me in his eyes. Our relationship is not complicated and I know exactly where I have him.
"You will always be most important for me too," he promises me and shifts into his white beautiful wolf. He's fluffy and he bows down so I can climb up onto his back. I lean my face down on his soft fur and take a grip so I won't fall off.
"I'm ready," I tell him and he starts running.
It's a feeling I never will experience for myself. This is the only way I will be able to run with my wolf. The landscape is passing us by in a blur and Jupiter knows exactly where to run to avoid meeting other people. It's exhilarating and I quickly grow tired on his back, but I don't want him to stop. The speed makes me feel free and I love it.
He puts me down on the ground in a clearing with a stream nearby. He drinks from the stream and I lie down on the ground and close my eyes. I can feel the whole forest come alive in my senses. The Wolf Spirits are surrounding me and I take in their wisdom and their knowledge.
These Spirits makes me feel stronger than the ones on Rosalea. These are the right Spirits for my soul and I feel the energy being pumped into my system. Being away from my pack made me sick and weak because I was taken without my free will. They are recharging me and the whole forest is buzzing with life at their work.
Jupiter takes my head and put it in his lap and removes a few leaves that got caught in my hair.
"I like it here," he tells me. "There's even a lake for you to swim in when you need to feel the water around your skin."
"This place allows me to breathe," I admit. "I don't feel the need to escape anymore."
"I will always be here for you when you need me, Kate."
"I always need you."
I can't imagine a world where Jupiter won't be. I must let him go one day and that thought makes me so sad. His sacrifice is much larger than mine. It's unfair.
"It's not unfair," he assures me. "There's nothing I'd rather do."
"I will try to change Mary's mind," I promise him, knowing it will be a hard task. "I will not let her hurt you or herself. I don't want her to die without being at peace with the Wolf Spirits."
I sit up in his lap and he puts his arms around me. I feel much better now and not so tired. The Spirits have gone back to their usual work and I don't mind it as long as I have Jupiter by my side.
"I have a confession to make," he says guilty and I turn my head and look at his sad eyes. It makes me frown.
"What is it? You are making me worried."
"It's not a Wolf Spirit thing," he says with a sigh. "I didn't expect it to happen but it did. I don't want to keep this from you and I'm not sure if you will like what I have to say."
"What do you mean?" I ask confused and grabs his hands in a try to calm him down.
"I found my mate," he says nervously. "It's Mary."
My whole world starts spinning again and it makes sense. The pain Jupiter felt was because he took it as a rejection. It also explain Mary's happy mood this morning even if she doesn't know why. How will she react to having a Wolf Spirit as her mate?
"Only Mary can know," I tell him slowly and he nods. "She will accept you," I add strongly. "I will not let her hurt you."
"I don't want to force her to like me," he says sadly.
"She will learn to like you. No one can take care of her as well as you can, Jupiter. You can support her and me at the same time. I won't see it as you leaving me."
I can't help but feel sorry for my best friend. Mary might only have a few years left to live and what if they waste all that time because she won't accept him? I will not let that happen. I will do anything in my power to make it work. I just need to show her exactly how important the Wolf Spirits are to me. I don't know how, but I don't have a choice.