"But I can still tell you why he's the one standing here now! It's 'cause you two got emotional, and Captain Levi did the same. You made an irrational choice. You treated that syringe like it was yours and wasted it. He's alive because you think your friends are more important than the rest of us!"
"Alright, I think it's time you shut your mouth!"
"That's enough, everyone."
The Scouts' heads all turned to look at you. You had been so quiet that they hadn't heard you approach. Or maybe they had been too caught up in their argument to notice.
"This is a memorial to honor our fallen comrades," you stated solemnly. "You shouldn't be fighting now, regardless of the reason."
You had only caught the tail end of the argument, but that was enough. You knew exactly what they were discussing. You had been hit in the head during the battle and were unconscious for several days afterward, but when you finally awoke this morning, it was the first thing anyone had told you. Most of the Scouts were dead, including Erwin. The commander could have been saved, but after Eren and Mikasa practically committed mutiny, Levi chose to save Armin instead.
"And what would you have done, Section Commander?" Floch asked, still in the heat of anger. "Everyone knows how sensible you are. Who would you have saved, if it was your choice?"
The room became so quiet that you could've heard a pin drop. You knew that everyone, not just the Scouts, was listening – waiting on bated breath for your answer.
You clenched your teeth, feeling angry that he would dare to drag you into this. "It doesn't matter what I would have done," you stated, your voice deathly quiet, "because it was never my choice. Erwin trusted Levi's judgement, and so do I."
"And if you really want my opinion," you continued scathingly, "the question is not whether we should have brought back Armin – it's 'what will we do, now that we have?'. You all are wasting time arguing about the past, when the reality is that no one could possibly know what the right choice was. No one can see the future. And even if we all end up slaughtered by the time this is over, there's no guarantee that Erwin could have done any better." You paused briefly, letting that sink in.
Your voice steadily grew louder as you added, "And another thing..." You pointed at Armin. "He is not solely responsible for the fate of humanity. Neither is Eren Jaeger, or Captain Levi, or any individual person. We sink or swim together. It's time you all stopped complaining and started pulling your own weight. Because whether or not we survive depends on all of us."
Floch opened his mouth to reply, but before he could, an announcement was made, and the Scouts had to line up for their honors. However, even though you never heard Floch's response, you saw it clearly in his condemning glare. Of course, you would side with Captain Levi.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
That night, you sat on your bed in your darkened room, curled lovingly around your partner. You felt terrible that he had been bearing this burden alone during the days that you were unconscious. At least you were here now, though in all honesty, you didn't know what you could do. Some wounds were just too deep to heal.
"My love, it's not your fault," you whispered, not for the first time.
"It is," he rasped, his face buried in your chest. "I made the choice."
You sighed. "It was an impossible choice, Levi. It's not fair that you were forced to make it. It wouldn't have been fair to anyone."
"That doesn't matter!" he hissed.
He wasn't crying, but he also wasn't his usual stoic self. You petted his hair in a soothing motion, recognizing that he must be dealing with a plethora of emotions right now – sadness, grief, anger, doubt, fear. Most people thought Levi was callous, but you knew the truth. Levi was good at hiding it, but in his heart, he cared more deeply than anyone. And Erwin had been one of the people that he cared about the most.
"What if I was wrong?" Levi asked quietly. "Floch's right – I was selfish. I should have saved Erwin –"
"No," you interrupted gently. "Floch is wrong, and so is everyone else who doubts your decision. You made the right choice, Levi."
His breath hitched. "H-how do you know?"
Your chest tightened at how pained and broken Levi's voice sounded. He was the strongest person you had ever met, and yet this was too much, even for him.
You stroked his hair again before murmuring, "I meant what I said today. Erwin gave you that syringe because he trusted your judgement, and so do I. While it's true that no one could ever know what would have happened if we had Erwin instead of Armin, I still believe you made the right choice."
Levi didn't respond. Sensing that he wasn't quite convinced, you sighed, then hugged him closer. Levi seemed to welcome your comforting gesture – in fact, he seemed desperate for it – and he shifted slightly, pressing his face into the crook of your neck.
"Can you tell me why you did it?" you asked quietly.
Coming from anyone else, the question would have been investigative, if not an outright accusation. A stringent demand to justify his actions. However, coming from you, the question was soft, loving. A gentle request that he share his thoughts and feelings with you, so that you could help him work through them.
"I..." he began, then stopped abruptly. "It sounds stupid," he muttered.
"No," you assured him in a tender voice. "Whatever it is, you can tell me. It's just you and me, Levi."
Your words seemed to help him relax a bit. Levi rarely allowed himself to trust anyone, but he trusted you completely. He knew that here, with you, he was safe to think and feel and say whatever he needed to.
Levi's voice was thick with emotion as he explained, "After we got the syringe, I kept asking Erwin what he planned to do...after we retook Wall Maria. I did it because...I knew...I knew that if he went to Shiganshina, he wouldn't come back. And I wanted to know what we were supposed to do after that. But...Erwin didn't have any kind of plan at all. He kept saying...he wouldn't know until we discovered the truth."
Levi paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts, collecting himself. You took the opportunity to place a soft kiss on his head.
"I overheard Armin...and Eren and Mikasa...talking about how they dreamt of getting to the sea. That was their plan...for after we retook Wall Maria. It wasn't a lot, but...Armin had something...some plan for the future..."
Levi swallowed, then took a shaky breath.
"But that's not all," he muttered. "When it came down to it, I was...I was going to give the injection to Erwin. I was holding the needle to his arm, when..."
Something wet touched the bare skin of your neck, and you felt Levi stiffen in an effort to stop himself from crying. Your heart wrenched. You hated when Levi cried, knowing that it meant he was truly depressed.
"I can't explain it, but he seemed...like he was ready to go. He was finally free from this hell...and I couldn't bear to bring him back for more."
His fists tightened their grip on your shirt as he hissed, "So you see, I was selfish. I let my emotions make the choice for me."
"That doesn't mean your decision was wrong," you assured him quietly. "Your emotions, as well as those things that you sense but can't explain, they're part of your instincts. And like I said, Erwin trusted your instincts more than anyone else's. That's why he felt comfortable giving you the syringe. He recognized that even when the right choice was impossible to know for sure, you would still make the right choice."
Levi's body shook with the sobs he was trying to contain. You understood how he must be feeling – wanting desperately to believe that he made the right choice, while at the same time terrified that he hadn't lived up to the trust his friend had placed in him.
"How can I believe that?" he gritted out.
You sighed, deciding to try something a little different. "At the time that you made the choice, did you believe it was the one you would regret the least?"
Levi's breath caught upon hearing his own words reflected back at him. "Yes," he whispered.
You pressed another kiss to his head. "Then it's like you always say, love. That's all you can do."
At that, Levi could no longer hold back his tears. They escaped in full force, no matter how hard he tried to shove them down.
You rubbed his back soothingly and breathed, "Let it out, Levi. There's no one around to hear."
You held him tightly as he unraveled completely in your arms. You listened to his sobs, his whimpers – your heart breaking through all of it. But at the same time, you were glad that you could be there for him. You were glad that he was no longer bottling up all of his pain inside himself.
After several minutes of mourning Erwin, Levi pulled himself together just enough to croak, "I'm just glad...I didn't lose you, too."
He leaned up so that he was face-to-face with you. As you looked into his tear-filled eyes, you could see several days' worth of agony in them, left over from wondering when and if you would wake up. "I was so worried," he rasped. "(F/n)..."
A second later, his mouth engulfed yours. You responded instantly, silently letting him know that his touch was welcome, that he was free to do whatever he needed. As soon as you felt him ask, you parted your lips, inviting his tongue to meet yours. Your dance was one of grief and comfort, pain and love.
You held his face delicately in your hands, wiping away the tears that never stopped flowing down his cheeks. But once Levi had reminded himself that you made it, that you were alive, the force of those tears became too much. He buried his face in your neck once again, clutching you desperately as he wept.
Levi cried himself to sleep in your arms. So, so carefully, you slid back the covers and laid him down, cuddling up next to him before pulling the covers over both of you. You wrapped your arms around him once again, trying your best not to wake him up. You knew how much he needed to rest right now.
You lay awake for a while, gazing at him. You hated seeing him like this – eyes red and swollen from crying, dark circles underneath from the insomnia that had only gotten worse after Erwin died. You would have given anything to take his pain away. Anything.
As delicately as you could, you placed a kiss over one eye, then the other – sending up a silent prayer that his typical nightmares wouldn't haunt him in his sleep. Then you brushed his hair back from his face before finally allowing yourself to slip into unconsciousness alongside him.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
You awoke to the soft press of lips against your own.
"Thank you," Levi whispered.
Your eyelids fluttered open, blinking against the early morning sun as you took in Levi's face. He looked a little better, at least, and you hadn't noticed him having any nightmares. Maybe his brain was just too exhausted – but you were grateful nonetheless.
"How are you feeling?" you murmured.
Levi shrugged. "It's like you said," he muttered, his eyes soft as he looked at you. "There's no point in obsessing over it. I have to keep moving forward. But..." Levi's gaze fell. "...that doesn't mean I'll...miss him...any less."
You knew how hard it was for Levi to admit such things, even to you. You placed a hand on his cheek, stroking his cheekbone in a comforting motion. "I know," you breathed. Your lips pressed into a tight line, both from seeing Levi in pain, and from your own sadness at losing Erwin. He had been your friend too.
Levi glanced up at you, holding your gaze with his grey-blue orbs. No more words were said, but none were necessary. You could tell from the look each other's eyes that you understood. That you cared. And although nothing could stem your tide of grief, the support you felt from one another was the most comforting thing anyone could have given you.