Chapter 33
Harry dropped me off at my apartment after breakfast, promising to call me later and figure out a time when we could talk more after Gemma and Bella were gone.
I wished that I could have told him that I didn't mind that they were there and that I would go back to his place with him anyway, something that I knew he wanted, but I wasn't in the right headspace for it. I didn't feel like getting into another catfight today.
"Bye, Mayflower," he breathed into my mouth. My back was pressed up against the side of the car, his hands on either side of my waist. I smiled at his words, gratefully returning the kiss.
"Bye," I murmured. "I won't run away this time."
He laughed as he let me go, walking over to the driver's side and stepping inside. I turned away and headed toward the apartment, not wanting to wait and watch him go knowing that I probably would have ended up jumping back in the car.
What a weird fucking morning.
My thoughts were jumbled as I mounted the steps, wondering how different this day would have played out if I had gotten on a bus before Harry arrived. I had known that I hadn't really wanted to leave, but would I have clued into that before it was too late?
I refused to allow myself to think about Harry or Bella or Gemma or any of my other worries as I unlocked the front door, focusing solely on my next plan: a nap. This morning's events, which I hadn't yet determined to be either inherently good or bad, had drained me. I just needed a rest.
"There she is," a voice grumbled as I walked through the door and my heart immediately plummeted as I looked up.
Isaac, Amelia and Heather had all jumped up from the couch and were standing across from me, their expressions heated. I took a deep breath and kicked my shoes off, dumping my duffel bag at my feet.
"What's going on?" I asked, my voice flat and tired. Neither of them seemed to notice.
"Do you want to tell us where you've been?" Heather's voice was shrill as she addressed me, and I had to hold back a cringe.
"Um, not particularly," I tried to step around them, only for Amelia to block my path and put her hands on my shoulders. I glanced down at them.
"Em," she mumbled, "Are you okay?"
"Am I okay?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at her. "Obviously I'm okay. Now can you let me go? I just really want to take a nap."
Amelia shared a concerned look back and forth with Isaac, causing me to shift on my heels. He cleared his throat before speaking up.
"I told them," he said. "About Harry."
"Ugh," I groaned and squeezed my eyes shut, breaking free from Amelia's grip. "Why did you do that, Isaac?"
"Who is he?" Heather interrupted.
"No one. Nothing," I hissed, shaking my head. "It isn't a big deal."
"It obviously is if he's keeping you out and making you look this wrecked," Amelia's voice sounded hurt and I knew it was because I had already talked to her once about Harry and promised to keep her updated if anything changed.
And I had kept my promise. Really... not much had changed between us.
"Are you dating him?" Heather chided.
My nostrils flared as I glanced over at her. "No. I am not dating him. We're friends."
"Friends?" Isaac raised an eyebrow as he spoke, looking annoyed. "Friends don't call me at 5 in the morning freaking out about where you are."
"Well maybe they should," I hissed and crossed my arms over my chest. "I would do it for all of you."
"So now you're saying we don't care about you?" Heather's voice nearly made me want to bash my head into the wall.
"May, I don't understand... Why didn't you want to tell us about this?" Amelia, still sounding very much dejected, was wringing her hands together in front of me. "We tell you everything that's going on in our lives."
Part of me did hurt for her. They were all my best friends and maybe I should have been honest with them, but they should also have let me do it on my own time.
"You don't actually," I sneered and grabbed my bag off the floor, rushing past them all to the entrance of my bedroom. "You only tell me about the shit you need help with. Beyond that, you don't care. You don't actually care if I'm hurting, you're just pissed that I kept something from you."
"What are we doing right now then, huh?" Isaac yelled down the hall. "We care about you; we're worried about you. That's why we're all here right now. Stop being so selfish and acting like no one gives two shits."
His words caused that same pain to ebb through my heart, but I pushed it down and ignored it.
"You don't care about me unless it's convenient and right now, you're smothering me. That is completely different. If you actually cared about me, you'd understand enough to know that I would want to tell you all about something like this on my own time."
"May," Isaac's voice was softer as he approached me. My knuckles had turned white with their grip on my bag and I could barely take a steady breath. "We just want to know that Harry is right for you. I'm just – we're all just scared because–"
"Because of what happened?" I spat and took a step back. "I was there too, Isaac. It's not like I've forgotten either. And if that's the only reason why you're trying to look out for me, forget it. I want you to be my friends, not people who feel like they owe me a debt. I'm not a fucking basket case like you think I am."
"Em, we never said that–"
I cut Amelia off with a glare. "You didn't have to. You think that I don't notice? That I don't understand those looks that pass between all of you? It makes me feel like shit to think that my friends see me as this unstable girl when usually I'm the one that you all need to lean on."
Nobody said anything as I took another step inside my room, so I added, "Leave Harry out of this. If I wanted you to know, I would have told you."
The door slammed shut behind me and I let my bag fall to the floor as I threw myself on the bed. If my life had been any different, I might have cried or tried to go back and beg my friends to forgive me for not being honest with them. But things weren't different, and I instead just laid on my back, unfeeling, staring up at the ceiling.
Things don't last forever.
I reminded myself of this whenever something in my life happened. I would have liked to believe that I would stay friends with Isaac, Amelia and Heather my whole life, but things just don't work out like that. It's rare that someone stays in your life forever, so I've just come to terms with the fact that people leave rather than trying to convince them to stay.
Maybe I should have told them about Harry. I could have told Isaac about every worry and anxious thought that I've had regarding what's going on between us and hope for some sort of reassurance from him. I could have told Amelia and Heather how my heart swells when he walks into a room, how good he smells or how he sounds when he first wakes up in the morning.
But I didn't. Because I can't make myself talk.
It felt like I was spiralling. Things seem to go so well for a few months, only for everything to come crashing down in the matter of a few weeks. I hated that I felt like this was the norm for me right now.
The worst part was that all I wanted to do was call Harry.
I wanted to listen to his voice, to hear him talk and have him soothe me. And that was the scariest thought of them all.
Here I was getting into fights with some of my longest and most pertinent friends in my life, telling myself to be okay if they fizzled out of my life after this, only to wind up feeling dependent on some guy that I had met 2 months ago. This was exactly what I was trying to avoid.
I flipped over onto my stomach and opened up my phone.
"Shit," I groaned as I scrolled through all of the missed notifications from the night before.
Harry – 23 text messages and 11 missed calls.
Isaac – 13 text messages and 4 missed calls.
Eve – 2 missed text messages and 2 missed calls.
Amelia – 1 missed call.
Unknown – 1 text message and 1 missed call.
I frowned at the notifications, sending a quick message back to Eve telling her that I had decided to stay here because of school and work (the latter of which I had pointedly forgotten about until now) and then opened the message from the unknown number.
Unknown
Received yesterday 10:11 P.M.:
May – it's Gemma. I'm really sorry about what I said, I overstepped. I'm in town for a few more days and was hoping that we could get together again? I just want to apologize.
I groaned at the message. It was nice in theory, but I think it would make it more awkward if I ended up meeting up with her again. She hadn't really done anything wrong; it was just my stupid brain that liked to overanalyze.
I stared at the screen for a few minutes before deciding that I was going to be able to think of the right thing to reply with until I had a clear head and threw my phone onto my side table.
When in doubt, have a nap.
--
I slept fitfully for the majority of the rest of the day, tossing and turning, only occasionally getting up to use the washroom or pull my blinds shut. My head pounded every time that I opened my eyes and it wasn't until 6 pm that I was disturbed by a soft knock at my door.
"Yeah?" I called out and I watched as the door opened followed by a head peeking in through the doorway.
"Can I come in?" Amelia asked in a gentle tone. Above her, Isaac peaked his head in as well. "Can we both come in?"
I suppressed a smile as I nodded and flipped back over onto my back, scooting up the bed so that they could come sit.
"You haven't eaten," Isaac noted and dropped a pizza onto my lap.
"Thank you," I mumbled and gratefully opened the box, pulling out a piece and taking a bite.
The two of them exchanged a look before realizing what they had done and quickly averted their attention to me.
"We came to apologize," Amelia said. "About earlier."
Heaving a sigh, I set my pizza down. "You don't have to apologize. I know that you meant well."
At some point during my fitful rest, I had time to think. I thought about how neither of them knew what they were doing was wrong or hurt me because I never bothered to tell them. It was stupid of me to think that they automatically knew how I was feeling when I just let the thoughts sit stagnant in my head.
"We do though," Isaac said and plopped down beside me. Our shoulders were pressed against each other as he leaned forward to grab my slice of pizza and put it back in my hands. "We shouldn't have jumped on you this morning."
"We do care about you, Em." Amelia added softly. "And we realize we've been kind of shit about showing it though. We just wanna make it up to you."
Amelia had come to sit on the other side of me and I was now wedged in between them both. She reached forward to grab her own slice of pizza.
"I know you guys care," I grabbed her free hand and linked it through my own, doing the same with Isaac. "And I'm sorry I snapped at you. I shouldn't have. I know that you were just looking out for me."
"Heather wanted to be here too," Isaac added a bit gruffly, "But she had some shit to do with Kevin."
I glanced between them both and Amelia let out a snort. I laughed in response. And then Isaac laughed as well.
"I love you guys," I murmured, leaning my head down on Isaac's shoulder and giving Amelia's hand a squeeze.
"We love you too," he replied and tousled my hair, making me let out an audible hiss. I shoved off of his shoulder and fell into Amelia's lap. She promptly slid herself out from underneath me and grabbed my laptop off of my nightstand.
"What're we watching?" she grinned as she sat back down beside me. I looked over at her with a raised eyebrow. She scoffed before adding, "You think that we'd come in to apologize and then just let you wallow in here for the rest of the night by yourself? As if."
I rolled my eyes and Isaac grabbed underneath my knees, pulling me closer to him and causing me to yelp. "You pick the movie. We can user your Netflix, right?"
"You all already do," I grumbled with a laugh and leaned forward to unlock my computer, pulling up the browser. As I scrolled through the options, Amelia cleared her throat and I glanced over at her.
"Look..." she said softly, and Isaac shot her yet another glance.
"What's up?" I asked and took note of the anxiety etched over her beautiful face. Sighing internally, I knew I was wrong to assume that they all would have left the earlier events of today alone so quickly.
"You don't have to answer me or say anything that you don't want to," she began, her words rushed and nervous. I paused, closing my computer screen a fraction and turning to face her.
"You want to know about Harry?" I asked, and her face lit up, but not before stealing another glance at Isaac who looked less than impressed.
"Fine," I groaned and positioned myself so that I was sitting cross-legged in front of her. Isaac let out a groan of his own and leaned his head back to smack against the headboard.
"I don't want to be here for this boy talk," he cringed and crossed his arms over his chest. Amelia shot him a glare and reached out to grab his shoulder, preventing him from going anywhere.
"It isn't boy talk," I said quickly, "I mean – it is, but it isn't because he's–"
"Just a friend and you don't care about him," Amelia interjected and rolled her eyes. "Right. We get it," I opened my mouth to fire something back, but she held up a hand. "As a friend... tell me what he's like."
"Scary," Isaac snorted and shifted out of Amelia's reach, causing her hand to drop in her lap. She gave me a frightened look.
"What? He's scary?"
"No!" I said hurriedly. "He isn't scary. Isaac's being an idiot."
"I am not," he huffed. "You should see him at work... when he actually shows up at least."
Amelia looked between the two of us, pouting.
"This isn't fair," she grumbled. "Isaac has met him. Why can't I?"
"Isaac works for him," I replied, reaching up to cup her face in my hands and run my thumb over her mouth to bring out a smile. "And you don't want to meet him. He isn't scary but he's... a lot. He always says what he's thinking and kind of comes off a little rude."
"A little?" Isaac asked with wide eyes. "May, he threatened to fire me if I didn't tell him where you were this morning. Even after I said I had no clue."
"Are you sure you aren't dating?" Amelia asked, narrowing her eyes. "That seems like a lot."
"We aren't dating," I clarified again, slightly annoyed. "And Isaac, I'm sorry. I'll tell him not to call you for personal reasons."
"No, don't!" Isaac said quickly and then looked a little embarrassed when he added with a small shrug, "Dunno. Kind of nice that my boss and I have something to bond over."
I rolled my eyes.
Men. All the same.
"Is he nice to you at least?" Amelia said softly and took my hand in her own, running her fingers over my knuckles.
"Of course, he is," I said a bit breathlessly. "Yeah – I mean if anything I'm kind of mean to him. He's almost too nice to me."
Amelia and Isaac both laughed.
"That's new," she said, her eyes alight with humor. "Normally you're saying that all men are rude."
"All men but me," Isaac quipped and we both shot him a glance.
"No, he's not rude," I mumbled, turning to look outside the window as I spoke. The sun had gone down and the light moon shone throughout my room. "He's... weird." I shook my head, trying to figure out how to articulate my thoughts about Harry.
There had been so many circulating in my head since I met him, and I'd never really given myself the chance to speak them aloud. Now that I was, it was hard to figure out the right thing to say.
"That's more on-brand for you," Amelia chuckled.
I bit my lip. "Not weird in a bad way, just... strange. He makes me laugh but he also makes me really angry. He oversteps a lot. I'll tell him not to do something and he does the exact opposite. Normally that would piss me off, but something about him just ... doesn't piss me off?"
"That's a start!" Amelia cheered with a snort. "He doesn't piss you off! Hooray! Sound the wedding bells now."
I gave her a shove and rolled my eyes.
"He's quite obsessed with her," Isaac added, his mouth full with another piece of pizza. I swatted his greasy fingers away from my computer as he tried to scroll through Netflix.
"He isn't," I said softly, looking down at my knitted fingers, unsure if I was speaking the words more to myself than to them. "We're friends."
This time, the words were harder to muster. Friends weren't what Harry and I were together.
"It's normal to be scared," Amelia said softly and reached again for my hand. I pulled it back.
"I'm not scared." I replied defensively, my voice slightly shrill. "I'm not scared of anything."
She doesn't respond but just gave me a small nod, her expression looking almost sad.
"I know you aren't," she finally said and drapes a hand around my waist, pulling me closer to her. "Just be careful. You don't have to guard your heart from everyone."
This time, I don't respond and instead lean back pondering over her words and watching as my two friends argued over what movie to put on. Any other day, I would have jumped down her throat and said that I wasn't guarding my heart, nor did I feel like I had to.
But her words rung more true today.
I thought about my fight with them earlier today, about Gemma, about Bella and the hurt that she caused, about my past, about Harry...
I didn't want to guard my heart, but it seemed that this world was so full of heartbreak that it was the only smart thing to do.
Maybe I'd change my mind, but that day hadn't yet come.