The B62 bus was a straight shot from the Macy's in Downtown Brooklyn to Ito. A bag full of clothes for Phil rested on the floor between Sid's legs as the bus rumbled over the rough streets. She did her best to guess his size and was annoyed to find that she hoped he liked what she picked. The anticipation of seeing him made her want to vomit and she didn't understand how her body was reacting this way. She should be more concerned with what just unfolded between her and Aiden but the truth is she tried to push it out of her mind since it happened. Getting lost in what he thought of her as a mother to their son would not be productive.
It did rake over her spirit though. Pulling up the leaves of insecurities that had fallen since her season of motherhood began. Wore a part of her completely raw and uncovered. She knew what he thought. That she was an absolute mess. Hell, she had the same criticisms of herself, but hearing it come from him stung. There was a time when Sid laid herself bare to him in all ways. She would tell Aiden exactly what was hurting her and where and it would be a relief. But him voicing his worries to her...her being flawed in front of him...this time it felt less like a relief and more like a public shaming. Besides, he wasn't some hero riding in on a horse to save her. He hurt her. Lied to her and betrayed her. How dare tell her to pull herself together when he was one of the people who tore her apart?
The bus snaked its way through the streets until familiar surroundings came into view. Her building, and if she looked up, the orange curtains blowing in the windows of her apartment. Well her soon to be old apartment. It was crazy how disconnected she already felt from it after only a day waking up someplace else. She scoped out the usual suspects milling about the building.
Sid didn't know if she recognized the bright blue hair or the wild swaying hips first but before she knew it she was pressing the button to stop the bus and trotting down the block toward Chante.
"Chante!" Sid was walking as fast as she could and still had not closed any space between them. Those swaying hips must propel her twice as fast as the average woman. Sid called out again. Finally, Chante whipped around and through an angry hand in the air when she saw it was Sid. She thought twice about approaching but decided to anyway.
"Hey," Sid threw out cautiously.
"Where the fuck you been? Like, nah, really you disappeared and shit. I thought I was supposed to have lil' man today. I was calling you! I even told Nixon not to slide through."
"I know. I know. My bad. Shits just been real crazy."
"Yeah, I bet since Phil ass is out." Sid tried to look surprised and really didn't have to try too hard because she was kind of surprised. The streets really moved faster than 5G when it came to spreading business.
"Phil is out?" Sid tried to sound convincing and it seemed to work.
"Yeah, he hit me up looking for you. You ain't heard from him?"
"Nah, he hasn't reached out to me. I told you it wasn't like that with me and him."
"Yeah, well, keep it that way. Too much shit going on around here."
"Tell me about it. I gotta move soon.
"You're leaving me again? Damn, you're always ditching the hood!"
"I have to. For AJ at least."
"Whatchu mean 'for AJ'? You act like just as much grimey shit isn't going on in the suburbs."
"People aren't being shot in the street there, Chante."
"But they're killing people in other ways. Drugs, embezzlement, child sex slaves, and all that. Mad Epsteinish! You moving out of here doesn't make a difference. All that tells me is that you like your crime covert." Chante laid into her and Sid watched the concrete stay still beneath her feet, feeling like a child being scolded. She agreed with Chante...but it was complicated. "But there's good here. Don't forget that. Most of these businesses around here are owned by minorities. I'm about to be one of them too. I passed my Board of Health test to get my Day Care License."
"What? Chante! I didn't even know you were going for that."
"Yeah. I love kids. I got a spot and everything. These kids need some stability around here." Chante caused Sid to pause and think about her neighborhood. Put a different lens over it for once. She remembered seeing it that way when she was little too. A safe haven. A place where you could dream, build a life, build love, and have a family. She wondered when she started seeing it as all bad. Probably some time between her father being murdered and leaving for college.
"But do you. I'm going to miss you and my baby though! Give me a hug." Before Sid could consent Chante pulled her into an embrace that pushed the sweet smells of floral body spray into her nostrils.
"I'll call you. But feel free to stop by the restaurant anytime. I owe you a big ass meal."
"I'm glad you didn't forget!"
Sid felt at ease for the first time in a long time. She realized that Chante was one of the only things from her past that had not changed. There was calm in her consistency...no matter how loud and crazy.
***
A half-hour later, Sid lumbered off the bus again and entered Ito to see Roma behind the front desk. She shot her a cold look. Was it part of her job to tell Aiden all of her business? Well, damn...maybe it was. But it didn't stop Sid from being angry and feeling betrayed. If the heir to this whole empire gave the okay then that should have been the final word. Sid allowed herself to stew over it as she rode the elevator to the top floor of Ito.
She pushed thoughts of Aiden and Chante completely from her mind and let her aggravation be replaced with those flip flops of her belly again as she knocked on the door. Phil opened the door a moment later wrapped in a hotel robe that, on an average person, would hit mid-shin but on his tall slim frame it rested just above his knee. She caught sight of his chest peeking out beneath the folds of the towel and quickly averted her gaze to the ground.
"Hey, Sid. Man, I was worried about you." He stepped aside and let her in before closing the door. Sid entered the small apartment to find it almost exactly as it was yesterday. His clothes were folded neatly on top of his sneakers in a corner. A garbage bag was tied off and neatly tucked beside the front door, a new one in its place in the bin. Sid wondered if his time in prison has conditioned him that quickly or if he had always been this tidy.
"Yeah, I'm sorry. I had trouble sleeping... until I didn't." Sid chuckled his concern off. She still didn't know how to just let someone else's concern settle onto her and comfort her. It always felt uncomfortable. Like a judgment of her, even though she knew it was the opposite. Concern meant that someone saw her as valuable to them. Maybe that was the cause of discomfort.
"Oh, you went to Macy's? You fancy! I usually just swing by Dr. Jay's and pick up whatever's on sale. Never really go into the fashion thing. I love a good comfy hoodie and some jeans. You know, keep it simple." Phil always talked a lot but he was on a roll now. Using the word comfy? Sid felt like she knew him well enough now to recognize that something had definitely shifted. This was Phil, but more peeled back. If that was even possible. Maybe even a little fragile. Their talk last night and what they had been through over the past few weeks bonded them. It grew roots and now both of them were being cautious not to trample on it.
"Well, it's where I get all of AJ's clothes so I figured it would work for big boys too." Sid smiled mischievously.
"Oh, so now, I'm a boy? You weren't saying that before." Phil dropped his eyes suggestively. Sid's face grew hot and she trotted off to the little kitchenette. Why did she always run away to the kitchen? That's probably why her hips jiggled when she walked. She felt Phil watching her as she walked away and wondered what he saw. She wanted to be bothered by it but if she was honest with herself, over the last few years, she began to like the fullness of her body. It had beared a child and so much more and still kept on trudging. She pulled open the fridge and peered inside. The stark whiteness bounced around hitting absolutely nothing.
"Have you eaten?" She tossed over her shoulder. The paper shopping bag crinkled as Phil rummaged through the contents.
"Nah."
"I told you to order room service if you needed."
"Didn't need it."
"You didn't need to eat?"
"I need the food, not the service. It wasn't going to be long before I could go out and get my own." He said. Sid closed the refrigerator door and peered over at him. She got a good view of his terrycloth covered behind as he reached down to pull out the pack of underwear. A moment later the robe was off and thrown onto the couch.
"Jesus. You could've warned me."
"My bad. Didn't know you were looking. Nothing you haven't seen before anyway."
Her cheeks flushed and warmth ran down her center.
"Well, after you are dressed I'll make you something down in the kitchen."
Sid crossed over to the windows that lined one wall of the sleek corporate apartment. She thought it was absolutely ridiculous that companies had enough money to rent these apartments and leave them vacant for most of the year. Chante's words echoed through her mind. You had to do some underhanded mess in order to amass this type of wealth. She pulled her eyes from the bright blue sky and looked down at the people milling about on the street below them. They looked carefree in their tank tops, fists clutching lattes, unaware that she was a rolling disaster some twenty stories above their beautiful little crowns. She blinked back tears that were coming from nowhere she could pinpoint. Just a faint bubbling of sadness that sometimes ran through her like a firecracker through the air. One minute it was there, bathing everything in its light, and then the next it was gone.
"Look at them. They can't even wait until summer settles in good." She had not noticed Phil creep up next to her but there he was. Peering down and grimacing beside her. "Tourists." He continued on.
"Not all of them."
"Really? Not one of those people look like they are natives. I can see the Midwest dripping from their jean shorts."
"Hmm. Ok...ok, see that woman right there. She is from Brooklyn. She crossed the street and didn't even look up from her phone cause..."
"...she had the light." They both said in unison. Their chuckles rolled through the quiet space around them. Sidney felt a tightness in her chest. Something familiar that made her steady inside but also gripped her with fear. She was reaching out to touch him before she knew it. Her hand wrapped tightly in Phil's as her eyes remained trained out of the window.
"What's wrong?" He said. Sid almost replied 'everything' but that felt too big. It felt like too much to say that even when her life was going well it was still breaking at the seams. That she could never seem to get her head above water. That life thought it was fun to surprise her with pain whenever she felt joy. That she was terrified and that this, them here, right now with their hands locked was the closest she felt to safety since that day below ground six years ago.
"Nothing." She hid the wetness that was pooling in her eyes. But Phil wasn't someone she could just hide feelings from. Phil manufactured feelings, was intimately connected with them. She wanted to say that she needed to be held just then. And even though the words never left her lips she found herself wrapped in his arms a moment later. Her muscles relaxed against his chest and she rested her chin on his shoulder. She let some of whatever was flowing through him flow onto her and soothe her. Sid thanked him in her mind. Hoping it reached him somehow. Hoping he knew. He didn't let go until she did. The sadness slid away and she smiled; indebted.
"You have this thing that you do with your eyes. When you're worried. They get so wide that they almost fill your whole face and I can see all these different browns in them. Like, more than I've ever seen." Phil's voice rolled low and soft in his throat. He was offering that gentle place in him to Sid again. Any other time she may have resisted. She can't help but remember that the last time they spent a night together she got fired. But she also couldn't help the way she kept noticing how her hand felt in his. The way her body kept pressing into his involuntarily. Like it was on an imaginary string that he held. She wanted him. She decided to take a page from his playbook and say just that.
"Can you make love to me?"
He smiled and rested his forehead against hers before she pressed her lips against his. A full two minutes later they pulled apart.
"Always."
It wasn't long before the shirt she bought for him just hours before was being pulled off of his golden-brown skin and sailing toward the floor. She backed him onto the perfectly made bed and pressed her chest against him as they fell onto the sheets. He rolled them over a moment later and she was glad.
Sid didn't want to be in control. She wanted to be taken.
Caressed and cared for. Paid attention to and looked after in a way she hadn't been so long. She felt the relief of her clothes being removed from her body. Closing her eyes she allowed each moment, each stroke of his hands across her body. Each time his warm lips blazed a trail over her body. The way his skin caused goosebumps as it met hers. With each connection of their bodies, she released everything that she been holding on to for days...months. Years, she felt. Phil filled her up and allowed her to let go.
Time slipped away. Their damp bodies lay limp, twisted in bedsheets, and one another. Daylight had begun to slip into darkness. Sid knew she had to be down to work soon. She lay beside Phil with her legs slung over his lower body and her head on his shoulder as he caressed the balmy skin of her arm. Every place he touched felt so good. She listened to his light breathing and the rise and fall of his chest.
Only the sound of their breath filled the space around them. Beautifully serene...until a low deep rumbling started somewhere underneath the covers. Sid's head popped up and she looked around for the source of the sound before her eyes landed on Phil.
"I'm sorry. That was pretty much the best thing ever... but... I'm hungry as hell." Phil looked at her with apologetic eyes. Sid let her head fall into the pillow as she laughed. She couldn't blame him. This moment was just so...Phil. Just honest. Always.
Another loud growl escaped from his stomach.
"Come. Let's go down to the kitchen and get something other than prison food in you." She shook the covers free and started to gather her clothes but Phil, the supposed starving one wasn't moving. He was just watching her with a smile on his face.
"What?" She asked. He finally broke his gaze and got out of bed. He reached her in just a few strides and kissed her on the lips.
"I'll tell you when you're ready." He looked in her eyes that way that he always did and this time she didn't look away.
"Okay." She replied, kind of already knowing, and surely already feeling the same way.
Ughhhh, I love these two!!!!! Another post coming tomorrow!