Faith
After pouring out our hearts to each other and clearing all the lingering misunderstandings between us, Joy and I stay in each other's embrace, relishing our moments of pure bliss and peace.
Feeling his bare skin against my skin, his warm breath tingling over my neck and his strong hands around my waist remind me how homeless I felt all these days away from him. And, being back home here, close to his heart, in this cave that somehow always brings us closer every time, makes me secretly wish, that I never have to leave this place ever again.
It's amazing how a few days ago, I was convinced I will stay celibate my entire life if I don't find my one woman man. And, now here I am, craving to feel every inch of Joy's skin, taste every corner of his lonely lips and touch not just his body, but his soul. And, this is not just physical attraction, my heart craves for his smile, my ears crave for his voice, my eyes crave for his glimpse, and my soul craves for his happiness.
He brings a peace in my life that I never knew I lacked. He makes me want to break down all my walls and barriers, and live my life a little. He makes me want to forget all my stupid plans and dream of a forever with him. I want to forego all my inhibitions and grab whatever of himself Joy is willing to give me.
I know he has never seen a happy family life, never felt at home in his own house, and it makes me want to become someone he can come home to. Someone he can feel safe with, happy with and comfortable with. Someone who doesn't push him away, or judge him, or leave him alone. Someone he can think of calling his family someday.
But, maybe it is too soon. It is too soon to tell him how much I love him. How much I want to be with him. How much I want to scream and tell the whole world that I am his, and he is mine.
But, if he doesn't want to have a relationship with me yet, I won't rush it. I will be patient for him. I will wait until he is ready to commit, after all, this is all new to him right?
So, as long as I have his loyalty, as long as I have his heart, I don't need any labels.
I just need him close to me. All day. Everyday.
As if Joy can read my mind, his arms pull me into his chest tighter and he plants a long, lingering kiss on my forehead that makes butterflies dance in my stomach with excitement.
I lift my head up from his neck to look into his eyes, and his honey brown pupils, that look darker by a few shades, peek into my eyes like they can see my soul. His gaze flickers to my lips for a few seconds and when his eyes meet mine again, I see desire and longing in them, mirroring the raging emotions in my heart. I wrap my arms around his neck and he grabs me by my waist and pulls me closer, until our bodies collide and we are so close that our noses brush against each other.
"Faith..", he whispers with a voice full of promises.
"Yes, Joy," I whisper back, still looking into his magnetic eyes.
"Should we make this moment perfect?," he asks, making my heart flutter with excitement.
"Every moment with you is perfect, baby," I say as I lean closer to him and his lips momentarily curve into a smile before they finally lean closer and smash against mine with an urgency I have never felt before.
My eyes shut close as my lips taste the sweetest honey there could ever be in the whole wide world. His lips feel soft, yet firm; gentle, yet strong. The amount of passion, longing and desire that he pours into the kiss makes me feel breathless, and not just due to the lack of oxygen. I wrap my arms around his head tighter, as I pull him close, deepening the kiss, hoping I can at least show him what he means to me if I can't say it yet.
His hands slowly slip into my hair as he runs his fingers soothingly through my tresses. I let my fingers graze over the nape of his neck upwards and downwards, repeatedly massaging his scalp. He suddenly removes his hands from my hair and moves it downwards, brushing over my spine and leaving a trail of fire even through his jersey.
His hands continue moving downwards until he slowly grazes his hands over my butt and in a quick motion, lifts me up and pulls me closer into his lap. The thin scarf separating us fails to mask our arousals, and the feeling of his hardness against my wetness makes me gasp instantly.
His teeth instantly take advantage of my opened mouth and bite onto my lower lip, tugging at it and massaging it alternatively. I suck his upper lip into my mouth and caress it gently. His tongue darts out and licks my bitten lip, before engaging in a passionate war of dominance with my own, as we continue to explore and taste every corner of each other's mouths.
Every movement of his delicious lips makes every moment of this long awaited expression of our passion feel more and more ecstatic. Time seems to freeze as every worry, every inhibition, every insecurity dissolves into nothingness. Only one emotion reigns, pure love.
As we finally break our first kiss to catch our breaths and lean our foreheads on each other, my eyes open to find his eyes glistening with happiness and my lips automatically curve into a smile. He smiles back at me, as he leans closer and kisses my nose lovingly.
"You're so fucking beautiful," he says out of the blue and my heart skips a beat at his sudden compliment. I look away and smile awkwardly, not knowing how to respond to that. My cheeks begin to feel warm along with my ears.
He holds my chin and pulls it upwards slightly, bringing my attention back to his eyes.
"You look even more beautiful when you blush," he says suddenly, making my heart miss another beat and my cheeks suddenly become too warm for me to handle. He doesn't even let me look away this time as he leans closer again and catches me in another long, electrifying kiss. My whole body suddenly feels alive as his lips gently begin a downward trail, kissing my jaw, and upper neck. They continue their sweet torture until they reach the crook of my neck, leaving behind a trail of wet, open mouthed kisses everywhere.
"I just can't get enough of you," he says as he nibbles, and sucks a special spot on my neck that leaves me craving for so much more. When I can't tolerate his slow torture anymore, I pull him up into another long, needy kiss as my hands begin descending slowly down his neck, over his shoulders, and onto his torso, feeling every inch of his irresistible, warm skin, caressing his protruding muscles and strong abs. My hands keep descending lower, slowly and teasingly, when suddenly his hands leave my behind and grab them instead.
In a swift motion, he pulls my hands behind me and kisses me harder, rougher, pouring all his emotions and desire into it. He leans my body backwards until it slowly lands down on the cave floor, as he hovers over me, without breaking our kiss for even a second. I try to free my hands from his grip, so I can feel his skin against my fingers, but he doesn't let me.
After a mind blowing exchange of pure passion and raw emotions, he finally breaks our kiss and frees my hands.
I bring my hands back to his body as I slowly feel his skin, taking in every inch of his body that I just can't resist anymore.
Suddenly, he grabs my hand, and brings it to his lips, as he places a soft lingering kiss on it. I look into his deep eyes, as I try to decipher what is going on in his mysterious mind. He sighs deeply and immediately lies down beside me, gently pulling me into his embrace, such that my face is in the crook of his neck, my arm is over his chest and my head is on his shoulder.
"Can we just cuddle tonight?," he says, planting a kiss on my forehead and my heart suddenly feels like it sank in my chest all over again.
Unexpectedly, a stray tear escapes from my traitorous eyes and flows downwards. I have no right to feel this way, especially if I am willing to be patient with him. But I can't help the question that keeps haunting me again and again, every now and then. The question that rings in my head right now repeatedly, the question that makes me want to run away and hide myself somewhere. The question that I can't even ask myself out loud.
Am I not good enough for him?
Why am I the only one who craves him so much? Why doesn't he want me like I want him?!
Another traitorous tear rolls down my eyes and before I can stop it, it lands on Joy's shoulder. His head immediately lifts up as he cups my face to look at me.
"Faith.... what's wrong sweetheart?," he asks with genuine concern in his voice.
"Nothing, I am fine, Joy," I say as I muster all my strength and force a smile for him. For him, I can be patient and understanding. For him, I can wait as long as it takes.
"Bullshit! I can see how fine you are. Don't lie to me Faith, I need you to be honest with me," he says as he sits up and pulls me into his lap again. "Tell me, what happened? Did I say something wrong? You know that you can say anything to me right?"
A third traitor escapes from the gates of my eyes, but Joy immediately catches it. I sniffle and look into his eyes, as he waits patiently for my reply.
"Why don't you let me come closer to you, Joy?," I finally manage to ask him and a wave of pain washes over his eyes.
When he doesn't say anything for some time, I decide to try again, "You don't want to be with me like that? Is it because...", I pause and look carefully into his eyes, searching for any signs of confirmation as I complete the question that keeps eating my insides, "Is it because of what Greg said the other day? That I won't be as good as..", I look away when I watch his face crumple with pain at my words.
I immediately feel his lips smash against mine in a firm, reassuring kiss, that makes my tensed body relax a little. He grabs the sides of my face, and breaks the kiss momentarily to look deep into my eyes and say, "Don't". Then, he kisses me again, deeply and meaningfully, sucking away all my insecurities as he pauses briefly to add, "Don't you ever dare to think," his lips gently find mine in between the words again as he completes, "that you are anything less than perfect."
He kisses me again, like he means every single word he utters, like he wants his lips to silently tell me what I mean to him. Then he leans his forehead against mine, as he says while panting heavily, "Everybody else is a worthless stone, compared to my precious diamond."
My heart suddenly feels whole again at the sincerity in his eyes and honesty in his voice. But, my soul still aches at the rejection he keeps giving me.
"Then why, Joy?," I ask him and I watch the pain in his eyes return.
What the hell is bothering him so much?
He flashes a fake smile at me as he says, "I told you I want our first time to be perfect, remember?"
"You're lying," I say immediately and his expression suddenly turns into worry. I caress his face softly with my fingers and ask again, "Don't lie to me baby, please tell me what is bothering you? I won't judge you for whatever you say, I promise."
He immediately looks away and doesn't say anything.
I turn his face towards mine again, slowly and carefully. As our eyes meet, all I see in them is pain and worry.
"Tell me baby, whatever it is, we'll work through it together," I try to reassure him as I rub small circles over his cheeks with my thumbs.
"I am scared, Faith", he says nervously, still not meeting my gaze.
"Scared of what, Joy?", I ask him gently.
"Of losing you again. What if I do something accidentally that reminds you of him again? I don't want to be the reason of your pain again Faith, I don't want you to live those awful memories again," he says, not looking into my eyes for even a second.
My heart aches at the terrible situation I put him into. Although I want to scream and tell him that those memories won't hurt me as much as this distance between us hurts, I can't do that yet. Because I am not confident if I have successfully overcome my past or not. I am not sure if I can handle another trigger without lashing at him or not. No matter how much I want to, it's out of my control.
"Let me do it," I say and he looks back at me with a confused expression. I kiss his forehead and he looks into my eyes as I explain, "Let me take the lead Joy, let me show you what you mean to me," I pause and let my hands move slowly downwards from his face to his shoulders. I bend my head a bit and place a soft, lingering kiss on his heart and his body immediately tenses at the touch. His hands hold me tighter unconsciously, and I straighten up to look into his eyes again.
"Let me show you that you will never lose me again, you'll never have to walk on eggshells around me again. Let me show you how much I trust you baby. Let me love you? Please.."
He looks at me with so much intensity in his eyes that sucks all the air out of my lungs.
When he just keeps staring into my eyes attentively and doesn't say anything, I feel even more confused than before. Suddenly he sighs and opens his mouth to say something, but no words come out of it. His expression turns into pain, making me ask again, "What is it, Joy? If there's something else, just say it. Please don't keep yourself bottled up, baby. I can handle whatever it is."
"I am nervous," he says suddenly, taking me by surprise.
"Nervous? But, why?", I kiss his head and look into his eyes for an honest answer.
"I have done this so many meaningless times, Faith," he begins and looks away, "and I have always been reckless and careless about it. It never meant so fucking much to me that I wanted every moment to be flawless and perfect."
He looks back towards me and cups my face in his hands as he says, "You are so important to me Faith and I just can't risk it. I have never known intimacy, not even with my family, and I am not sure if I am capable of being as gentle and affectionate as you truly deserve. So, it scares me, Faith, I am afraid that I will ruin everything,. I-I will just ruin everything and you will hate me for it!"
"Hey...," I gently shower his face with soft kisses as I wipe away his tears. "What makes you think all of this Joy? Who says you're not capable of being affectionate or gentle?"
I bring his eyes to mine as I pour out my heart to him.
"Do you have no idea how gentle, how caring you have been with me all those days we were stuck here? You made me feel safe baby, and at a time when all I knew was running away from even a tiny sign of vulnerability. I trust you Joy, so stop being so hard on yourself. Don't doubt yourself ever again, okay? I know you, and you are so much more than you think you are capable of being. You are perfect for me, love."
I lean closer to him and pull him into a long, gentle kiss to reassure him that I mean every word I say. I stay close to him as our lips linger over each other and our eyes meet.
"You can never ruin anything Joy, and I can never hate you. If you need time, you take your time, okay? But, don't worry about losing me, I am not going anywhere. You are too important for me and I will wait for you as long as you need."
He looks into me eyes with pain, and says, "I am so sorry sweetheart, I never meant to make you feel what you said earlier. I am just so fucked up, my head is a mess, I just-"
"Shhh.... You don't have to apologize to me Joy, whatever you feel is totally valid, I understand you and I don't hold it against you. Just listen to your heart and do whatever it says."
"My heart tells me that it needs you right now, Faith. And my body tells me the same, but this brain doesn't stop making me feel anxious and nervous about it."
"It's okay baby, if you're not ready, you're not ready. We'll take it slow, and anyway we have each other, right? Everything else will fall into place eventually."
"Thanks for being so understanding, Faith. We're okay, right?," he asks hopefully.
"We're more than okay, Joy. Don't worry about it. And, thanks for being honest with me, I truly appreciate it."
"Then, if you're not angry or upset with me, will you let me hold you tonight, please?", he asks nervously.
"Of course, you don't even have to ask, love, come here", I say as I pull him towards the ground and wrap my arms around him, laying his head on my chest. He places his hand around my waist and plants a soft kiss on the bulge of my chest, over his jersey.
I shudder at the touch and hold him tightly against me.
"I missed you so fucking much," he whispers softly.
"I missed you too Joy," I whisper back and he snuggles closer into my embrace, as we cuddle silently until sleep pulls us into dreamland.
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A/N:
Hey lovely readers, we just hit 3K reads today!
(Screaming and jumping over my bed with excitement!!)
This is my first book and I am so so happy. Hope you all loved my characters till now. I'll love to hear from you all. Both positive and negative feedback is welcome.
I also updated the cover of the book, let me know if you like it.
And don't forget to vote if you liked this chapter.
Until next time, lovelies. Stay tuned :) Lots of love <3