Hindi ko alam kung papaano ako nakawala sa mga bodyguard ko. They were just talking outside along with Alis' guards when I sneaked out. Tumutulo ang luha ko habang tinatakbo ang distansya ng bahay nila hanggang sa bungad ng subdivision.
I don't have my phone. I only have my wallet with me.
But I didn't care. Umihip ang malamig na panghapong hangin sa El Vicente. Pumara ako ng taxi at nagmamadaling pumasok sa loob habang pulang pula ang mukha. I'm only wearing my halter top, maong short and a sneaker. I hugged myself and searched for Hunter's hoodie's warmth.
"Redhill, kuya..." namamaos na sabi ko habang kinakalma ang sarili ko sa bintana ng taxi.
This city is beautiful. Tall buildings and clean streets. Sa hindi kalayuan dito'y may dagat na kadugtong ng isang karatig-probinsya din. That place is our place... For the last time, I wanted to go there. I'll probably go there. Hindi lang ngayon.
It's almost 6. Dala na din ng traffic ay dumilim na ng tuluyan. I know my mom would be completely disappointed on me. Wala na akong pakialam. Aalis na din naman ako, itotodo ko na. I won't see him. I just hope not.
Sinuyod ko ng tingin ang kalakihan ng kilalang bar na ito. Redhill was written in a big banner on the top of this bar counter. Pula ang ilaw nito at kumikislap kislap. Looked cool.
My outfit isn't appropriate in this place. I look like a lost teenager. Binawal pa ako ng bouncer nila kanina, mabuti na lang at may ID ako sa wallet.
I sat on the seat. Loud people started to roar on the dance floor but I didn't look at them.
"Jager." I smiled at the bartender.
Mabilis niya iyong ginawa. Binigay niya kaagad sa akin iyon.
I tasted and it didn't fail me.
Lumukob ang hinanakit sa loob ko ng maalala si Alis. I finished the drink and asked for more. Walang sinabi ang bartender, mukhang nahalata niya ang pagiging problemado ko.
I took the shot. The bitterness was drawn on my throat and heat spread on my stomach because of it. I licked my lips and grimaced because of the taste. This is heating.
"Isa pa," sabi ko sa bartender. Kumunot ang noo niya pero binigyan pa din ako.
Umingay ang crowd kasabay ng paghinto ng tugtugin ng DJ. Halos hindi ko na narinig ang sinasabi ng announcer dahil sa tili ng mga makakati ang lalamunan. I stared at my glass and thought about something else.
This is deja vu. The noise...
Pumikit ako paharap sa stage para makita ang dahilan ng mga tilian. The crowd surprised me. They're a lot! Who the hell are these? Ano 'yan? Artista? Concert ba ito?
The song started.
My eyes widened.
This is not happening...
Bullshit!
"Three years of something I called love
Where phone calls and photographs are never enough
To save a hearts that's been broken, so close to screaming
This can't be happening, I must be dreaming.."
Shivers.
That's what I felt when I heard his voice. Mariin ang hawak niya sa mikropono habang halos halikan iyon. The woman on her side is looking at him with dreamy eyes. Her eyes speak a lot. Adoration. That's mostly what it is.
"What's the worst that could happen? I never knew
When all that I ever wanted was to get away from you
But now the possible is impossible and I can't refuse
Grab all your dreams and raise all your glasses.."
Her voice was damn cold and chilling. Bumilis ang hininga ko at nangangapa ng maaaring gawin at halos humihingi ng tulong. My eyes stayed on how he stare at her. Soft and very tender. I can't take it.
How is she good at both drums and singing?
"Let's toast to the lucky ones
To the girl that just broke my heart..
I can't breathe after all that you've told me
You took my heart and made me melt again
I could never imagine we'll end up this way
After all that we've been through now, I'm fighting through the pain
It's like this heart that's been broken, so close to screaming
Was ripped from my chest and I can't stop from bleeding
Now we all fall for the bad ones
They'll just break us 'cause we're so young
Young and vulnerable.."
The amalgam of their voices sounded pleasing to my ears. It sounded so great that my tears fell, bent and broken.
Humikbi ako habang natulala sa kanila. Nanginginig ang kamay ko habang nakaupo sa sulok at lumilipad ang isip. I don't even care about everyone else around me. I feel broken. Tired. Of everything.
Leaving doesn't always mean you're running from your problems. Or maybe I am...
Running away, leaving, is the only thing that could fix it. Because that is the easier way out?
Love? That is true.
Love is not all about fighting for each other. Sometimes it's also about holding on. But this time, at least for me, love is about letting go and freeing each other. From the hurt.
It's not always us. It's not just us.
It's him and his music.
It's me and my family.
"Thank you..." his eyes wandered around.
Upset and wanted something to calm him down so he's searching for it. And then I met his gray eyes. His beautiful eyes that I always adored. Tumulo ang panibagong grupo ng luha sa mata ko.
His eyes had a mixture of shocked on it when he saw me. Pinunasan ko ang luha ko at ininom ang huling baso ng alak sa kamay ko.
Nag-abot ako ng isang libo sa bartender. Kinuha iyon at itinaas. Nakuha ko kaagad na tinatanong niya kung susuklian pa ba dahil kadalasan ay hindi ko kinukuha ang sukli. I shrugged and waved my hand. My goodbyes.
Two drinks won't let me down but my broken heart will.
Yakap yakap ko ang katawan ko habang tinitignan ang paa kong naglalakad sa kalaliman ng buwan. The sky's dark. Madilim na kaagad. Malamig na din!
I was in the middle of my walk when someone held my arms. Marahas at nakakagulat iyon. Suminghap ako kasabay ng kusang pagharap ko sa kung sino man iyon.
Pinuno ko ng hangin ang dibdib ko nang masilayan ng malapitan si Hunter. Nervousness and guilt filled me. Gusto ko na lang maiyak habang tinititigan ko siya ngayon. His face that I missed and I will surely miss. I just want to be lost forever.
Messy hair, deep-set ash eyes, pointed nose, sharp manly jaw, bow-shaped naturally pink lips. I memorized it all in my head.
"Where do you think are you going?" his voice was so deep.
I repeated it in my head, trying to memorize it so that I to not miss him so much but I know it will never work.
I swallowed hard. "U-uuwi na..."
"Ganoon nalang?" tumaas ang boses niya. "You didn't talk to me for days!"
Bumaba ang tingin ko sa dibdib niya. His band shirt. The shirt I wore once. Mapait akong ngumiti at binawi ang kamay ko sa kaniya. He probably left the stage just to chase me. Nakakahiya kils Dylan at kay.. Krisha.
"Kailangan ko nang umalis, Hunt."
Humigpit ang hawak niya sa braso ko. "We will talk."
"Hunt, aalis ako!" I shouted.
Doubled the meaning.
Namula ang mata ko dahil sa lahat ng dinadamdam ko ngayon.
"And that includes leaving me?" he sounded painful.
Tumulo ang mga luha ko. Sa sakit. I can't take this anymore. I have to leave because an hour with him will just mess my head up. I might do the worst decision of my life.
Matalim ko siyang tinignan.
I pushed his chest, sobbing. "Enough, Hunter. Tama na..."
"Tama na rin, Amber!" he pulled me. "Tell me what the fuck is wrong?"
"This is wrong!"
"Baby, enlighten me, please? Why are you crying?" namungay ang mga mata at sinalo ng kamay ang pisngi ko.
Para akong nakuryente sa hawak niya. I moved my face away. Gulat ang gumuhit sa mukha niya paglayo ko. The pain flashed in his eyes while looking at me. But it pained me the most.
Umiling ako. "Ayaw ko na..."
There, I said it.
Umawang ang labi niya. "No, Amber. Hindi pwede.. Ayusin natin 'to. Hindi ka aalis nang hindi ito naaayos."
"I told you, ayaw ko na! I don't want to deal with this anymore! I have better priorities than this. You also have your own!"
"What?" hinaplos niya ang pisngi ko. "Baby, no... You are my priority."
"I don't need to be your priority. I don't want that. Hindi din ikaw ang priority ko kaya ayoko na!"
"Come on, Amber... Tatanggapin ko kahit ano. Kahit hindi ako ang priority mo. Kahit ako na lang ang huli.."
I cried.
Give it up, please. Kailangan mo ito. Kailangan ko din. This love between us is enough. Tama na.
Umiling ako. "No... Give it up. Let us both go! Let me go!" I pulled my hands away but he wouldn't just let me.
Tila sa hawak niya sa kamay ko nakadepende ang pag-asa niya sa akin. Na kapag binitawan niya ako'y pati siya ay bibitaw na rin. And his grip was tight. Unbreakable.
And a part of me wanted him to not let me go. To just hold on to me because I know I am letting him go now.
But I need to seek for something. A last resort for him to let go. Kasi iyon ang tanging maitutulong ko sa kaniya.
"Amber naman..." he looked beaten with pain. "Matapos mo akong baliwin, heto ka at iiwan ako?"
"This is the right thing, Hunter."
"That is bullshit! Leaving me is the right thing? Do you even hear what you're saying, Amber? I don't fucking get you! If this is an issue about you and your parents then we'll solve it together..."
Kumuyom ang palad ko. "This is not an issue about anyone. This is about us! This is about me not wanting to waste my time on you anymore!"
Umawang ang labi niya, gulat sa sinabi ko. Puno ng pagsusumamo ang mata niya at pilit niyayapos ang braso ko.
"Baby, I don't know what makes you feel like this. But I love you, please... stop shouting."
"I don't care. Hunter, bitawan mo ako!" namamaos na ang boses ko.
"Why are you pushing me away like this? Bakit ayaw mo na? Why do you think this is a fucking waste of time? Because I don't feel that way! Because all I thought you loved me!"
"Yes!" sigaw ko. "But I was wrong! I need to go, Hunter. I'm leaving." matapang na sabi ko.
Namilog ang mata niya. Lumuwag ang hawak sa braso ko. Umatras lahat ng luha ko at ang dibdib ko ay pinuno ng takot. Takot sa lahat ng mangyayari sa mga gagawin ko. It hits be big time. He will hate me. And its all because of me.
"You're lying.." tumalim ang tingin niya at umigting ang panga.
Tinulak ko siya. "I'm not! I was wrong, Hunter! Having sex with you made me realize—"
"Amberley, putang ina!" he shouted like a mad tiger. Gusto kong umatras dahil sa takot pero hindi ko pwedeng atrasan iyon.
I pulled my hand away, tuluyan na akong nakawala sa hawak niya. Madilim ang tingin niya sa akin, walang bakas na pagmamakaawa tulad ng kanina. Right now, he is completely mad at me.
"You heard me. I lied. I was wrong... hindi ganito ang pagmamahal." I pushed him. "Lust... m-maybe... but it wasn't love, Hunter."
Umatras siya na parang isang balahibo lang, nagulat pa ako doon dahil matalas ang tingin niya sa akin.
"H'wag mo akong linlangin, Amber. Don't you lie... You told me you were in love with me so don't burst that lie!" matindi ang apoy na halos tupukin na ako ng buhay.
"I'm not in love with you, Hunt. That's why I find it a waste of time! That's why I'm tired of this! Pakawalan mo na ako!"
He gritted his teeth. "Is that so, Amber?" malamig ang tinig niya.
"Yes. And I'm sorry to make you feel disappointed." umatras ako. "I didn't fool you because, in the first place, you knew that's what I felt, Hunt."
Yumukom ang palad niya at yumuko. "Just leave, then."
Umawang ang labi ko. His eyes isn't looking so I had my time to show the pain on my face. Uminit ang sulok ng mata ko at bahagya itong humapdi.
"Thank you, anyway." pumiyok ako. "It was a good time knowing you, Hunter—"
"Leave, Amber.." malamig na boses niya at tumalikod sa akin. "H'wag ka nang bumalik."
I nodded, tears rolling down my cheek as I stared at his broad shoulders on me.
"Y-yes.. but I just wanted to say that—" "
"Umalis ka na!" umalingawngaw ang boses niya sa buong lugar. "I don't care about what you want to say! Kung aalis ka, putang ina, umalis ka na."
Suminghap ako at tinakpan ang bibig ko sa posibleng hikbi na lalabas doon. Patuloy ang daloy ng luha sa mata ko. I turned my back on him and started to run away. Run away from him.
I broke him. I broke myself, too.
Here I am, broken because I decided to leave the man of my dreams. Pained because my bestfriend, my most trusted person hurt me. At ang mga magulang ko na siyang dahilan ng pag alis ko, pero hindi ko sila masisisi. I don't know if I'd be a living human after this.
Because right now, I'm dying.
Bumungad sa akin ang pamilya kong napatayo dahil sa gulat nang makita ako. My sister was crying. My mom was mad and my dad was worried. Sinalubong ako ng yakap ng kapatid ko, bumuhos ang luha ko habang nakatulala sa yakap niya.
My mother stopped when she saw me crying. Umalma siya dahil inawat ng Daddy ko. I can't stop crying even without my knowing.
"Amber..." my mother called me, calm and careful.
Humiwalay ng yakap si Ate sa akin. She was crying a lot which made me feel something weird about that. Yumuko si Daddy at bumuntong hininga.
"Mom," kinakabahan na sabi ko.
Is there something wrong? She should be yelling at me by now. They should be asking me where I went. What is wrong?
"Your friend... tried to kill himself."
Nanlaki ang mata ko.
What?
Alis... Alistair... Oh my god.
"Mommy, don't say that." I shook my head while my tears can't stop falling. "He wouldn't do that! Mommy, stop lying!"
"Amber... he tried killing himself!" sigaw ni Mommy. "Her mother called and.. and she said they found him almost dead in his room with his pulse almost ripped—"
"Mara, tama na..."
Napahawak ako sa bibig ko at tuloy tuloy ang luha sa mata ko. Humagulgol ako sa iyak habang salo salo ng kapatid ko.
Tuyong tuyo na ako. I'm emotionally tired and almost dead. Leaving Hunter was the most painful thing I did in my life that I know that I will soon regret it. And now, my best friend didn't just hurt me. But he also tried to kill himself.
I realized that people are sometimes using their laughs and smile to paint their broke insides and not show them to anyone about it.
The handkerchief on Alistair's pulse these past few days was scars. Scars from hurting himself. The bruises on his face were due to his brother's punches every time he was drunk or just went home lost from the casino.
Umiiyak ang ina ni Alistair sa loob ng kwarto ni Alis. Nakatulala ako habang nakatitig sa katawan niyang nakaratay at walang malay. He's sleeping for a day.
I can't cry. Ubos na ubos na ang luha ko. Wala na akong ibang maisip kundi awa at sakit. Sakit na hindi mawala wala sa dibdib at awa para sa ginawa ni Alis.
"I don't know why he has to do this. Wala akong maisip na dahilan ng lahat ng ito." his mother cried. I just stared at her blankly while she talked to my mom.
"He will be fine, Jessica."
"Depression." I voiced out.
Napatingin silang dalawa sa akin. Bumuntong hininga ako at nilapitan si Alis na walang kamalay malay sa nangyayari. He looked peaceful.
"What do you think caused his depression, Tita? You're his mother. You must know everything about your son," diretso kong sabi.
I know Alis had a issue with his mom. At pakiramdam ko ay iyon ang isang bagay na dahilan ng depresyon ni Alistair.
"Hija, hindi ko alam... You're his friend, you must know—"
"He doesn't tell me anything, Tita. How about his bruises? I know you're aware of the things that your other son does to Alis."
"What are you trying to say, hija?" pinunasan niya ang luha niya. "Of course, I know about that! But what do you think can I do anything? That's their issue with each other."
"It is your son's fight. Hindi ba dapat kayo ang responsable sa ganoon?"
"Amberley!" my mom shouted. "Stop talking like that!"
"But mom, it's—"
"No!" she pointed at me. "We're all sad because of what happened here. Let's not blame someone for this!"
Umatras ang dila ko. Wala akong masabi dahil sa takot na matawag akong bastos kapag sumagot ako. I gritted my teeth and held Alistair's hand. I badly want to fight for something but I don't know how.
Bumuntong hininga si Tita. "I understand her, Mara. She's just worried about Alistair, for sure..."
"We're worried, too. Pagpasensyahan mo na si Amber. Lately, she's been stubborn. I think States is really a good place for her to breathe and might as well, be back to her old self."
"Yes, I think so too. Besides, Alistair would surely be glad that his treatment will be based on States too."
"Surely, Jessica. And maybe we could also talk about the plans of FDL."
"Surely, Emilda.." Tita Jessica laughed.
Malalim akong bumuntong hininga bago tuluyang kunin nila ang buhay ko.