after about an hour roaming around the streets of New York I made my way back to Lucas's place, question still swarmed my mind, as the memory of what happened replayed on repeat in my mind
why did he kiss me
why did I kiss back
how was things complicated
does he have feelings for me? no that cant be it he said it himself we are partners, that blasted term, I shouldn't have this feeling of dislike towards that term, but I did.
do I have feelings for Lucas?
No I couldn't that wouldn't make sense, but then why do I feel this way, maybe because he is toying with my feelings, that has to be it, this is all a game to him
I thought I could remain professional enough to get through this project, but now I don't know, what happens next? Can I face him? how do I even talk to him? I shouldn't talk to him, it was a mistake, I knew this from the start, I just need to keep my mind away from wandering, and focus, the sooner I get this done the sooner I can leave, along with these feelings.
I really was a bitch, for snapping at him and yet continuing to stay at his house, but there was nothing I could do, all the hotels near the city were fully booked, even the ones outside, the closest one was by new jersey and I wasnt about to commute an hour and thirty min a day at 5 in morning just to make it on time, and I couldnt ask Jade or Lily if I could stay at one of their places, knowing them they would instantly worry something happened, and though something did happen that I was still unready to address, I didnt want them to go full protective mode, Jade telling Rosie, Lily telling Dmitri, I didnt need them to foght my battles, not to mentions this is supposed to be strictly business, its me who is making things personal
I wanted to bury myself and hide, thankfully Lucas wasnt home yet, so I still had time to hype my self up in the mirror to prepare to ignore him
if you didnt have feelings for him you, it wouldnt be hard to ignore him my subconscious spoke, making my mood even more sour than it already was
I dont have feelings, I cant have feelings.
Feelings are a dangerous thing, they lead to a rollercoaster, that it lit on fire.
Not the best way to explain it but thats what I feel.
Feelings cloud ones judgement, they get in the way of serious things, they end up giving false hope leading to one's fall, feelings are scary, they can be anything, and just because you might have a feeling towards someone it doesnt mean they feel the same way, which is just the beginning of a disastrous end.
"Valery"
I wasnt gonna reply, I can't let my emotions get the best of me, I am overacting.
"Valery please I'm sorry"
"Don't be you have nothing to be sorry for I am just overacting, lets just-"
"Don't do that" he says taking a step closer "Your feelings are valid, and I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like I was toying with them"
"then why did you say it's complicated" I hesitantly say as I hug myself, I didn't wanna bring it up but it was really eating at me, and if he wanted to talk about it this is what I was gonna bring up, I tried to keep my emotions at bay
"You really don't remember me do you"
"what are you talking about, are you trying to change the topic" I ramble
"I care about you Val, even now, even before, thats why it's complicated"
"I don't understand"
"We went to high school together Val, we were friends before you even dated Noah"
I stared at him paled by the revaluation, that couldnt be possible... I would have remembered him
"Lucas I think you have got me confused with someone else" I say shaking my head "Or is this another diversion to play with my emotions" I accused giving him a pointed look
his mouth twitched giving a half smile before replying "I thought I was playing with your emotions by not telling you, and now I seem as if I playing them by telling you" he finished before sitting down burying his face in his hands
he looked defeated, this was the first time I have seen him look so vulnerable, sadness clouded his features, there was no playful glint in his eyes, or sarcasm in his voice, this man wasnt my Lucas, he was hurt, and seeing him like this hurt me, if I wanted things to be professional I needed to stop being such a stubborn angry bitch, he was being vulnerable, I can so the same. I walked towards him taking a seat next to him, my hand rubbing his back, he flinched at the sudden contact, my head leaned against his, it happened so suddenly, his hand wrapped around my waist pulling me into his warm body
my head on his chest, listening to the sound of his fast heart beat, then again it maybe mine.
I knew we had to talk, we were gonna talk, he clearly had a lot that he was keeping in, and I needed some closure, to the revaluation my curiosity was through the roof, and my mind was forming a million questions, but for now, I just wanted to lay here, in his embrace before it ends
I dont know how long we laid there but when his heart beat began to slow down, I decided to bring up the topic, my head still laying on his chest "tell me from the beginning, let me hear your story"
I could see the hesitation in his eyes
"it might not be so complicated if you tell me you know"
"It's complicated cause clearly you and I have different understanding when it comes to 'partners'"
"whats your understanding"
"Your not just a business partner to me, your someone that I see as more of a life partner, that is if you ever let me"
I was felt a sudden warmth feeling, by hearing his words while at the same time being stunned by his statement, how can he already see me as a life partner isn't that moving too fast, how can he already be so sure
"how can you say you see me as a life partner" I ask honestly, I knew things like this took time, and I wanted it to take time if ever, to avoid getting hurt again
"You make me feel a way I never want to stop feeling"
"Lucas slow down, we don't know much about the other"
he let out a chuckle before replying "You really don't remember our time together do you"
"what time? the few weeks we spent together before I left New York, or the few weeks we spent together a year later"
"We we're friends once before, but you didnt know me as Lucas, you knew me as Henry"
my breath hitched as memories came flooding back into my mind of my early high school years, I was never the one who stood out in high school, I was the one who always blended into the crowd, didn't have many friends, just one special person Henry.
"No-"
"You were the only one who didn't treat me like I was a nobody back in high school, you made me feel like I was somebody"
I never realized that my friendship with him all those years ago were also special to him, I meant something to him all those years ago, it warmed my heart to say the least, but I couldnt help but wonder
"then why did you never speak to me again"
"You left me"
those three words surprised me, I never left him, he suddenly stopped talking to me, and I always assumed our friendship was only special to me. I raised my brow at him hoping he would continue, I was trying not to interrupt him with even more questions
"After you started dating Noah I was crushed, I shouldn't have been I was no one to you back then, I was too cowardly and scared to tell you how I truly felt, how could a girl like you ever like the guy I was before, so I let you go I thought you would be happier with Noah, when you two moved to New York I wanted to talk to you but I didn't know how, you looked happy, I didn't wanna be the guy that ruined that for you, and that will always be my biggest regret. Noah cheating was the breaking point."
I slowly begin to understand his feelings, and fears all those years ago "why didnt you tell me before I left?"
"it didn't seem important before, I thought it would do more harm than good, I suppose, or maybe it was just another cowardly excuse of mine, I almost told you a year ago before you left, thinking maybe if I told you, maybe you would realize you had a friend to count on and that you wouldn't leave, but I didn't wanna be the guy that took your freedom away again"
I was tongue tied I didn't know what to say or what to think
"I don't know if my confession changes anything, but I just want you to know you made your way into my heart all those years ago, and you never left"
"Lucas-"
"I want you Valery" he interrupts me, taking a step closer towards me, there was a strength a promise to his words that made me weak to my knees "and I want to be yours, that is if you let me"
with little to no space between us, the heat of our bodies emitting off us, my heart racing, the hint of doubt entered into my mind along with fear and insecurity, but when my eyes met his I already knew my answer, my fear was pushed to the back of my mind, yes I was afraid but I what I felt for him was stronger.
I felt lost from words so with a smile, my hands moved to the back of his neck pulling his head down to meet my lips.
___
OMG SO IT HAPPENED!! A BIT OF A PAST REVEAL, DO U THINK THEY SHOULD JUMP INTO A RELATIONSHIP? OR TAKE THINGS SLOOOOOWWWWW WOULD U LIKE TO READ ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP JOURNEY ORRRRRRRRRRRRRR..... LET ME KNOW!!! I LOVE READING YOUR FEEDBACK...