Song I recommend Change by Taylor Swift. If you couldn't tell by now, I'm kind of obsessed with Taylor😂
***
Halloween, a so-called holiday where people walk around in costumes and pretend to be something they're not. Ha, I walk around as something I'm not every single day. I act like I'm okay, but I'm not. But no one needs to know that except me.
Of course Mack being, well, Mack wanted us to do a group costume. But then she thought of "an even better idea." She wants me to dress like Cher from clueless, the yellow plaid outfit, and she wants to dress like Dionne, in the black and white plaid outfit. I don't want to dress up at all, because who would be dumb enough to give teenagers candy, but she made me. I promise that Mack has this super power to persuade anyone to do what she wants. As an example; when we were eleven she somehow got me to play truth or dare and the result was me breaking my arm. Or the time when I was fifteen and Xander was sixteen, and she got me to drive his car and I took down Mack's mailbox and dented his car. Anyways the point is that her superpower is real, and she uses it often just because she knows she can.
But back to what I was saying, Halloween. The holiday that is the dumbest, like please tell me why people dress up. Is it because they wish they were that or is it fun? Do they want to be someone they're not or are they just choosing something cute? It just doesn't make sense.
It's been a few weeks since the day that I went shopping with Mack. Nothing fun has happened except that me and my dad moved into a new house. I'm sad because that house had most of my memories with Emma. But I also wouldn't be able to live there knowing that my mom was murdered there.
Dean's voice snaps me out of my thoughts, "Do you want to like hang out on the weekend?" He sits on the bench next to me. We're at the park. Earlier he texted me and asked if I wanted to go for a run with him, and me being bored at Mack's house, I accepted the offer.
I make a pouty face, "Why do we have to wait for the weekend? It feels like I haven't seen you in forever, I just want to spend time with you." I didn't even realize that I said that until it was already out of my mouth. He smiles at this.
"I agree. We should watch a movie." He suggests.
"My dad is going out of town tomorrow, I'm sure he won't mind you coming over." I pause and realize what he thinks I mean by being alone, "He has cameras installed in the house so he trusts me to bring people over."
"Okay sounds good." He stands up and puts his hand out to help me up, I take it and stand up. "So a little bird told me that your birthday is coming up." My first birthday without Emma or my mom, that shouldn't be celebrated.
"Yeah, it's no big deal. But I heard that your birthday is the day after halloween. I think we should celebrate."
He looks down and laughs. "Even before my family died I didn't like my birthday. But fine, if celebrating my birthday means spending extra time with my girlfriend then I'll take it." Girlfriend. I didn't think we were there yet. His words take me by shock but he's looking at the ducks in the lake so he doesn't notice. Girlfriend actually isn't that bad. I like being called that.
"Yeah for sure. We could even do a mini party and invite friends of yours. So I can meet them. And like be friends with them." I say with a smile working its way onto my face.
His eyes light up, "We could also invite yours. We could hang at the beach until the sun goes down. But here's the catch," I look at him with a questioning look, "you have to stay by side all day."
I nod, "I think I can make that happen." The second I saw Dean I knew he was a good person. At the time I didn't know what kind of crap he's been through. But I know now. He knows what I've been through. He knows that I don't want to talk about my mom and I know he doesn't like talking about his family. We understand each other. We trust each other. "My sister died." He looks at me but he doesn't look shocked. His face isn't what I pictured in my mind when I thought of me telling him.
He hugs me, "Yeah I knew that." What? How did he know that? "When they reported your mother's, you know, they said that the Hernandez family had recently lost a daughter. I'm sorry I didn't say anything, I knew you would tell me when the time was right."
"And you were right. I'm not mad." I tell him as he pulls away from me and grabs my face and kisses me. "Mm, come on let's go get something to eat." He agrees and we make our way to the nearest pizza shop. We walk there because it's super close to the park. "You know you never told me your middle name. I do remember you saying that it was embarrassing so please tell me what the embarrassment is about."
"I can't say it." He says as he pokes me on the side which tickles. I giggle. Ew, when did I become a girl who giggled.
"Fine but one day you are going to tell me, and if you don't tell me I'll turn into a spy and find out somehow." I say as I poke his chest as I walk backwards. I trip but his quick reflexes allow him to grab my forearm before I hit the ground. I laugh, "Thanks, guess you're not just a good kisser." I say as my lips touch his for a fraction of a second.
He laughs and rolls his eyes playfully, "Fine, whatever you say."
We walk into the pizza shop and immediately are greeted by the owner. He stands behind the counter and smiles a smile that's a little too big. He shows us the menu and we order a small pepperoni pizza. We sit in the corner of the little restaurant and enjoy our pizza. "Such a cliche." I say through laughs. " Dean gives me a questioning look. I point to the sauce on his cheek even though I know he can't see it. I grab a napkin and wipe it off. "It's okay, cliches are cute."
"Glad you think so." He says with his award winning smile.
***
When I get home I go straight to my new bedroom. It doesn't even look like my old room. I got new furniture and new decor. I wanted change and in order to get change I needed, new. I needed furniture that didn't hold my past like I was a criminal reviewing all my charges. I didn't want to review my charges, I wanted to break free from them. And I did, in a way.
I drop my house keys in my, green leaf looking, ring holder and drop myself on the floor. I really don't know when my life started getting crazy and so unpredictable, oh wait I do know. The day Emma died, and it only got worse after my mom. Dad and I are the ones in the family known to be stubborn. We both hate change. We brought all of Emma's stuff to this new house and made her a room just like her other one. We may not ever use the room, but that's our reminder. Our reminder as to why we need to keep living and slowly letting go.
Letting go very slowly.
No matter what mom and Emma are always going to be a part of who we are. We can't do anything to change that and even if we could change that, I wouldn't. Emma is a piece of me. My mom is a piece of me. And it makes me feel like they are here with me when I need them and even when I don't.
I think that I feel better everyday, but I'm wrong. There are good days when I don't shed a single tear, and there are other days where I shed so many that I skip school. Dad doesn't like me missing but he understands. Just like how he misses work. We don't talk about my mom or Emma. It hurts too much. Talking about them would be like saying they're really gone, and neither one of us is there yet. And I don't know if we'll ever be there.
I'm pretty sure that we have a silent agreement that my birthday won't be celebrated this year. It's in three weeks. My birthday was Emma's birthday. We were going to turn eighteen together. We planned that we would go to New York, just the two of us. It was going to be so much fun. But the fun is gone. Like her.
Emma loved her birthday, not because of the gifts, but because everyone came together to celebrate. And maybe she did like the gifts a little bit. Every year she planned something crazy to do, like when she went skydiving. Or another time she went cliff jumping. Or the time she got in a car to go to her best friend's birthday dinner. I would've thought that she would've died while she was cliff jumping or skydiving, but she got killed by a car. Her life held so much value. It was priceless. But it was still taken. Taken in one second.
One second.
One second is all you need for your life to change.
In one second your twin could die. In one second your mother could be killed in front of you. In one second, your life could change forever.
***
True words. One second is all the universe needs.
I'm just gonna put this out there, I've never kissed anyone. I'm writing from what I've read and how I imagine it. I'm sorry about details, but I just love a good romance, so I couldn't leave any out of this story. Anyways, I like this chapter a lot. Emily is accepting the fact that her mom and Emma are both gone. She's started to move on. But moving on doesn't mean forgetting. Moving on means living. Just like cliff jumping with Dean. If you don't move on even just a little bit, then you can't truly live. I really love writing and I really love TGBN. This story means so much to me and I can't wait for you to see what's in store not just for Emily but all the characters. See you next chapter!
Lots of love, emma<3