I forced myself to not blink because of the tears pooling my eyes. Sinusubukan kong basahin ang nakasulat sa test ngunit wala na akong maklaro. It's all blur, and I didn't notice I was crying already.
Kahit alam kong ganito ang magiging takbo ng exam ko ay nag take pa din ako. They've given me enough time already. I should have been okay by now, the talk I had with mama should be enought, o kahit hindi okay, at least hindi iiyak-iyak.
Patuloy kong pinupunas ang walang hanggang pag-agos ng mga luha ko. Why wouldn't it stop falling?! Pwede ba, kahit ngayon lang maki cooperate ka! I need to finish this test, first part palang ako.
Sabi nila kapag naiiyak ka daw, isipin mo yung mga masasayang ala-ala na meron ka. I tried think of the happy memories I've shared with Tyler but maybe it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes, the happy memories are the one that hurt us. Because right now, I remember the time when I took my bio exam. I was doubtful of the result, but he was there. He cheered me up.
I was surprised when I felt someone wiped my tears. Siguro kung hindi ako nagmumukmok ngayon ay tumakbo na kaagad ako palabas.
Umangat ako ng tingin at mas lalong nagtaka nang makita si Claude na nakaupo sa tabi ko. Since when did he got here? He looks so worried that for a moment, I felt at peace.
Umiwas ako ng tingin bago pinahid ang kamay niyang nasa mukha ko.
Ignoring Claude, I tried reading the question on the test again but my tears won't stop streaming. I could barely see anything now.
Ano bang ginagawa niya dito? Siguro sa sobrang sama ng pakiramdam ko ay kung ano-ano na ang pinag-iisip ko. Imposible naman kasing andito si Claude ngayon.
"Mr. Villanueva, you're not supposed to be here."
"Ma'am,"
Napabaling ako sa bagong pasok. It's my adviser. She just said Mr. Villanueva, right?
"Leave."
"Can I stay for awhile?" bumaling ako kay Claude na nakatayo na ngayon.
I'm not dreaming. He's really here. Pakiramdam ko natigil ang pag-agos ng mga luha ko dahil sa gulat at pagtataka.
"Ms. Sierra is taking the exam."
"I know. I won't coach, I promise." he looked so determined.
"Kahit na," galit niyang sabi. "You shouldn't be here."
Pumikit ako nang sumumbat pa si Claude. What is he doing? He's the type of a person who would never get himself into trouble. Anong ginagawa niya ngayon at nakakaya niyang sagutin ang isang teacher?
"Claude," I called him when I realized he wouldn't stop persuading because he kept on creating reasons to stay.
Naramdaman ko ang pagtingin niya saakin ngunit nanatili ang mga mata ko sa exam paper. I don't want to look at him because I hate how he makes me feel so at peace when he was the last person who corrupted that out of me.
"You should go." sabi ko
He took a seat before talking to me, "Haze,"
"Mr. Villanueva," my adviser called him with authority.
"Claude." banta ko
"I will, if you assure me you're going to be all right." hindi ko naiwasang tumingin sakanya. His eyes were looking at me with compassion that I almost forgot what's going on here.
"I'm fine." sabi ko bago umiwas ng tingin.
I heard him sigh before getting up from his seat. Ilang sandali ay narinig ko ang pagsara ng pinto.
"Are you sure you can take this now? I can talk to your professor if you're having some troubles right now, Hazel."
Umangat ako ng tingin sa class adviser kong naga-alalang nakatingin saakin.
I'm not sure how this exam will turn out. I know I messed it up but if I don't take the exam right now because of my current situation then, when? When will I take the exam if I don't know when will this pass? or will it ever pass?
"Thank you but it's alright, Ma'am. I will take the exam now." I smiled.
I was given an hour extension because of the breakdown I was going through, ngunit pagkatapos ng extension na iyon ay kinuha na nila ang papel ko kahit na hindi ko pa tapos.
Lumabas ako ng faculty room na may hindi inaasahang nakaabang sa labas. Claude was talking to someone when I went out. His back was facing me so, I took the opportunity to avoid him.
I wasn't able to attend classes after taking the exam. Hindi ko alam kung mainit lang ba ang katawan ko dahil nilalagnat ako o dahil sa pagkaiyak. Buong umaga akong nagkulong sa kwarto; iiyak at matutulog. Bumangon lang ako nang marinig ang katok nina Hans at Vee.
"Ate... are you alright?" Vee looks worried and hesitant, but at the same time she looks like she's gonna break anytime soon.
Umiwas ako ng tingin bago tumango.
"Sina Mama?"
Kadalasan ay nago-overtime si Mama sa pharmacy and I think it'd because she wants to occupy her mind. Si Dad naman, halos late na siya umuuwi gabi-gabi dahil inaabala din ang sarili sa trabaho.
"Wala pa. Hinatid kami ni Ate Cash galing school."
I sighed before going out of my room. Agad kong tiningnan ang orasan at alas tres na pala. Walang tao sa bahay dahil nasa likod nakatira ang mga kasambahay. Hindi ko naman pwedeng iwanan magisa dito sa labas sina Vee dahil mas lalo niyang mararamdaman ang lungkot.
I went downstairs to get some food ngunit halos mabuksan ko na lahat ng cabinet ay wala pa rin akong mahanap na pagkain.
"Are you hungry, Hans?" tanong ko kay Hans na agad naman niyang tinanguan. "I'll just buy some foods. Doon lang muna kayo sa sala manood ha."
I honestly don't know where to buy food aside from Desteen's cat cafe. Gustohin ko mang maging madali ang aking pagbili ng pagkain, I couldn't bring myself to another family member knowing how the conversation would end.
Hindi na ako nagantay ng tricycle at naglakad nalang papuntang poblacion. Almost every establishment in our barangay is a close friend. Mabuti pang sa kabilang barangay nalang ako pumunta nang wala ng magtanong.
I wasn't mistaken for choosing one of the Villanueva's. Wala ni isa sa mga staffs nila ang nagtanong o nagpakita ng pagaalala saakin. I got off easily. Ngunit habang paauwi ako ay may narandaman akong nakasunod saakin. Pwedeng pareho lang kami ng papuntahan but people of Acacia nowadays would rather take a tricycle than walk.
Nasa kalagitnaan na ako ng barangay namin at ng poblacion pero ramdam ko pa ding may nakasunod saakin. I took an alternative path to confirm my hunch. Lumiko ako sa mas lublob na daan at ramdam ko pa ding may nakasunod saakin. I am being tailed, right?
Binilisan ko ang paglalakad ko bago nagtago. It's not like I can't defend myself. Nagtataka lang ako kung bakit may sumusunod saakin. Is it someone who happens to be a bad person? Anong pakay niya sakin? Is it because I'm a girl, a Castañeda? a Sierra? I'm just really curious.
Nagtago ako sa isang pasikot at inantay na magpakita ang nakasunod saakin. Hindi ko napigilang magsalita nang makita ang isang lalaking diretsong naglalakad na mukhang nakasunod nga saakin.
"What are you doing?" I frowned.
I saw how his shoulders went up when he sighed before turning to me. Ang kabang nararamdaman ko kanina ay agad na nawala at napalitan ng kuryosidad. Likod palang, kilala ko na. I'm sure it's him, pero bakit niya ba ako sinusundan? Nagkataon lang? Eh nasa kabilang barangay nga nakatira.
"What are you doing too?" he asked back while catching his breathe.
"Sinusundan mo ba ako?" I asked again, ignoring his.
"Bakit ka dumadaan dito?"
"Masama ba?"
"I am asking you." his tone rose a bit, he cleared his throat when he noticed.
Napairap ako sa inaasal niya, "I am asking you as well."
Bumuntong-hinga siya bago sumagot. "May pupuntahan lang jan."
His answer was sketchy. Anong pupuntahan? Sa ganitong daan, may pupuntahan? Ni wala ngang tao dito sa dinaanan namin e. But why would I care?
"Okay." Sagot ko bago naunang naglakad. It's not like I should meddle with his life. Buhay na niya yan, kaya naman niya ang sarili niya.
"Hey!" pigil niya
Nilingon ko siya. "Bakit?"
"Asan ka pupunta? it's not safe to walk around here." he raised his voice that made me frown.
I tilted my head on the other side as I looked at him in confusion. Why do he care? He could barely look at me the past weeks and now he's doing this because of what? pity?
"And you suddenly care?" I scoffed
Halatang nagulat siya sa naging tanong ko. Nagtataka talaga ako sa inaasal niya since morning. The Claude I know doesn't care.
His mouth remained half-open, attempting to say something but no words would come out. Nonetheless, he shut his mouth as he tried to look away to gather his thoughts for he was caught off guard at my attack. Sighing, he looked at me with no emotion at all.
"Samahan na kita."
"Kaya kong maglakad mag-isa." sagot ko ng may diin.
"Hazel." mariin niyang sabi
"This isn't the first time I've taken this path. Kaya—"
"So you've been doing this?! Don't you know what danger you're bringing to yourself?" pagalit niyang sabi
Hindi ko maiwasang umirap. Ano bang pakialam niya? Kailan pa ba siya naging concern sa mga ginagawa ko? Malay ko bang concerned citizen pala ang isang to.
"Kaya ko ang sarili ko, Claude. You can leave now." I continued walking na agad ko din namang natigil dahil sa biglang pagsabay sakin ni Claude. "What are you doing?"
"Paano kung ibang tao pala ang nakasunod sayo?" he's fuming mad and I am mad too!
"Bakit, ibang tao ba? Hindi naman ah. Hindi nga dapat ako dadaan dito kung hindi mo ako sinusundan eh!"
"You know someone's following you?" he looked at me in disbelief, "at mas pinili mong dumaan dito kaysa sa kalsada na may mga taong dumadaan?!"
"Pakialam mo ba?" naiinis kong sagot bago tumakbo.
He's really annoying me. Bakit ba nagkakaganyan siya? Pakialam ba niya? At diba may klase pa naman? Bakit parang hindi naman siya mukhang galing sa school?
Kahit na tinatawag niya ako ay nagpatuloy pa rin ako sa pagtakbo. It would have been so much easier if I wasn't holding the food I bought for Hans and Vee. Nang matanaw ko na ang kalsada ay tumigil ako sa pagtakbo para habulin ang hininga.
My pause allowed Claude to pull my wrist.
"Ano ba?!" I tried pulling it back but he tightened his grip.
"You're not doing this again." he said with full authority.
Remind me again why he is being like this?
"You're not going to dictate me that."
"Ano bang ginagawa mo sa sarili mo, Hazel? Ano bang pumasok sa utak mo at pinapahamak mo ang sarili mo?! What if I wasn't the one following you? Paano pag may nangyari sayo kanina ha? Sarili mo nalang ba ang iniisip mo?!" frustrated niyang sabi.
I smirked at the way he acted. Bakit ba siya nagkakaganito? Bakit bigla nalang siyang may pakealam? Kasi nakita niya akong umiiyak kanina? naaawa ba siya?
"You are underestimating me, Claude. I know how to fight back."
"Siguro kung makikipagsuntokan, oo. Pero paano kung sinubukan kang saksakin? Almost everyone know you're a big catch, Sierra."
An image of me, being stabbed, flashed in my mind that startled me. Nabitawan ko ang hawak ko. Kitang-kita ko ang pagkawala ng pagkakadikit ng kilay ni Claude at napalitan ng pagaalala.
"Knowing you, I doubt if you'd be given the chance to fight back."
I don't know what messed with my whole system when my body started trembling. Nawawalan ng gana ang mga tuhod ko at pakiramdam ko babagsak ako.
"Stop pretending to be tough, Hazel."
Uncontrollably, my heartbeat became irregular as tears continuously roll down on my cheeks. I couldn't see what's in front of me anymore.
"Please stop pretending to be okay when you're with me. I know what's going on here. " I heard him say before I felt his warmth.
It's like the barrier went down. I felt the agonizing pain as thick thorn pressed my heart, and I cannot stop the bleeding that made me scream hoping it would all go away.
Before, I couldn't be happy because of some guy problem. Now he's here but I how can I be happy when my brother's gone?
Maybe it's true... you can't have everything.
Hindi ko pa din maisip kung papaano nila nakayang itago ang sitwasyong ni Tyler. He was sick and I didn't know because they chose to hide it from me and only me. If only I knew, I could've been better during his last days. I should've paid more attention to him than any other problems.
But what can I do? It was his choice to hide it from me. Even when I feel like, my right has been condemned, I respect his choice. And it hurts because I understand.
Pareho kaming tahimik habang naglalakad. He's been walking with me kahit na malapit na ako sa bahay. Gusto kong isipin na ihahatid niya ako pero natandaan kong ito din pala ang daang papuntang school.
For a moment, the silence made me feel at peace. I've been hiding on my room for a week. I was ashamed of how weak I've become. but with Claude, I don't need to mask up anything. Because maybe, being not okay is okay after all.
Natigil ako sa paglalakad nang matanaw ang mga studyanteng nagsisiuwian galing school. They're heading to the opposite direction kaya makikita talaga kami dahil magkakasalubong kami.
"What is it?" napatingin din siya sa gawing tinitingnan ko, "it's Yessenia and Nevielle."
"Huh?"
"Si Yess at Nev."
"Nasan?" tumingin-tingin ako sa paligid
I looked at Claude when he didn't answer. He was frowning as he watch me look for Nevielle and Yessenia.
"N-nasan s-sila?"
"You were just looking at —" he looked confused. "never mind."
Tumango ako at yumuko bago nagpatuloy ng paglakad. Nahinto lang ako nang biglang hilain ki Claude ang kamay ko.
"Don't do that again... and always take care." he smiled before turning his back on me.
I didn't get what he meant until he is completely out of my sight.
"Asan ka galing?" bungad ng nakasimangot na si Nevielle.
I looked around and realized I'm in front of our house already. Hinatid lang ba niya ako?
05/14/21 18:18