"Morning."
Nang makita ko kung sinong bumati saakin ay nginitian ko lamang siya. This is my first time bumping into him at the school gate. Hindi ba't hinahatid siya?
Gusto ko siyang tanongin kung bakit siya sumasabay saakin pero naalala kong pareho naman pala kami ng building.
"What's going on there?" tanong ko ng matanaw ang maraming students sa labas ng building. It's like they're looking for something at the bulletin board.
"Claude!!!"
Euphrasia came running to us looking so happy. Ano bang meron? Hindi ko maiwasang mapatingin kay Claude na mukhang nahihiya sa pinsan. Or was it because he's hiding from his cousin?
"Nabasa mo yung text ko?" sabay akbay niya kay Claude, "Sinundo kita sa bahay niyo pero nakaalis kana daw!"
Claude took a glance on me. Awkward ba na andito ako at naririnig ang usapan nila ni Euphrasia?
Hindi na ako nagpaalam at naunang maglakad. I want to look at the bulletin board too dahil nakita kong andon din sina Yessenia. I crossed path with Claude's friends too who seemed so happy as they near Claude and Euphrasia.
"Saan ba tayo? Sainyo, Sha?"
"Bakit? Anong mayron?"
"Oh, anjan kana pala." si Yess
My eyes immediately landed on the bulletin board. This can't be.
"Look, kasali si Claude sa top oh!" itinuro ni Yessenia ang pangalan ni Claude kahit na nakita ko naman agad iyon.
Top 2 - Tejada, Roshan A.
Top 4 - Castañeda, Cassiopeia S.
Villanueva, Claudius M.
Top 7 - Villanueva, Euphrasia S.
Top 10 - Arañas, Reinziel N.
The Villanuevas and Castañeda of their batch are still competing unintentionally. These two Villanuevas are unbelievable! Talagang pareho pa silang nasali sa top. Cassiopeia's a math genius, kaya expected naman na kasali siya. Si Reinziel naman ay expected din for being the SC president, she's a role model. And Roshan? Hindi ko inakalang matalino pala iyon.
"Si Nev?" nag panggap akong walang pakealam kay Claude. I tried looking for Nev's name even when my mind still couldn't get over the euphoria that I suddenly felt.
"He passed. Pati si Jasper."
"Hindi mo man lang titingnan yung sa grade 10?" Shada pouted
Both grade 10 and grade 12 took and entrance exam last December. Hindi ko iyon binigyan ng atensyon dahil hindi naman kami kasali sa nag take ng exam and besides, I was too busy dealing with my battles.
"OMG!" my eyes widened at what I saw. Hindi ako makapaniwalang napatingin kay Shada. This girl is more rocking. "Shada!! Congrats!" mahigpit ko siyang niyakap.
Top 1 - Isaguirre, Shada C.
I wasn't informed the school's having a huge celebration. Maraming nag take parts sa celebration lalo na yung mga malalaking pamilya katulad ng Villanueva at Castañeda. My cousins have contributed too. Kahapon pa pala lumabas yung result kaya mukhang nakapaghanda na talaga sila.
"You really don't know?" hindi pa din makapaniwala si Yessenia habang inaayos namin ang mga mesa sa court dahil may program.
"Wala namang nasabi saakin."
"Nasa group chat nating SC! Sabagay, you're not that active anymore."
Natigil ako sa pag-ayos bago pilit na ngumiti. Yessenia continued doing her things while I can't seem to hold of myself again.
Ever since Tyler died, a lot has changed. My life has changed and nothing seems to be the same anymore. I wonder what would we be doing to celebrate my cousins' results if Tyler were here. Siguro unang labas palang ng result, wala na kami dito sa Acacia para mag celebrate. I'm sure Tyler would be so happy to see Nien, Nev and Ivan graduate too.
"Haze,"
Agad kong niyakap si Nien nang pumunta ito saakin. I just couldn't stop myself from tearing up. I know everyone's celebrating right now and I should be too, but maybe I just wish he's here to witness this.
"Congrats, Nien." I bit my lips to stifle my sobs.
"T-thank you? Akala ko hindi mo na ako i-congratulate eh." he laughed, "Nev's looking for you. Asan mo daw gustong kumain mamaya?"
I used to be so excited when something good happens. I used to love how we can all gather to celebrate something. but now... I don't know anymore. I don't want to know how does it feels to be hanging out with my cousins without Tyler. It's like I don't want to do the things that we used to do with him.
"I wish he was here, Nien." I buried my face on Nien's chest when I could no longer hold my tears.
Naramdaman ko ang pagbuntong-hininga ni Nien bago ako niyakap pabalik. He used his palm to caress my back.
"He's here. He's always here... please don't forget that."
I went back on our room to get my things dahil magsisimula na ang program. I exactly don't know what we're going to do dahil masyado na din akong naging inactive kaya.
"Hazel, ready kana mamaya ha?" Reinziel told me when she saw me going out of our room after getting my bag.
"Saan?"
"You're the master of the ceremony. Na practice mo na ba yung mga sasabihin mo?
"Anong master of the ceremony?" naguguluhan pa din ako. Wala namang nasabi si Yessenia.
"You don't know?"
"It's okay, I'll guide you." Claude interrupted.
Hindi na ako nagtataka kung asan siya nanggaling dahil kanina pa yan nasa labas ng klase nila nang umakyat ako.
"Uh... grade 12 ka, Claude." he's not just a grade 12, he topped the exam too! para sakanila ang selebrasyon na 'to.
"I know. Pwede pa din naman maging MC kahit na grade 12."
"The celebration's for you. Hindi ka na dapat nagaabala dito."
"Claude, Hazel's right." singit ni Reinziel, "Tatawagin pa naman tayo."
"I can still manage. Pwede naman akong umalis ng stage kapag kailangan na." Reinziel was about to say something but Claude continued, "I am next to Hazel. At least let me do my work on helping her, Reinz."
Sa huli ay napapayag na din ni Reinziel si Claude. He's been doing the task I've been assigned to ever since Tyler died. I was inactive, and he's the next to my position kaya normal lang na sakanya mahulog lahat ng dapat ay akin kapag wala ako.
"Let's get inside? I prepared something." aniya
Nawala sa sarili ko ang dahilan ng pag akyat ko ngayon sa room. I went inside their room with him. I was shocked when I saw Aileen inside their room with Edwin. Sila lang ang tao dito at nag-uusap. They immediately caught a glimpse of us, ngunit hindi na kami kinibo dahil mukhang wala namang pakealam yung kasama ko.
"Here." sabay abot niya ng papel galing desk niya. "Flow of the program."
"May flow of the program na?"
"Uhm, ganito din kasi yung nangyari last year. Reinziel already fixed everything yesterday. It's in the GC, you didn't check?"
Umiling ako, "Wala akong messenger."
"I see."
We both stayed inside their room for about half an hour, preparing our script. Mabilis pa nga namin natapos dahil may na prepare na siya. We just made some changes since the script he had prepared was only for him.
"Okay na?" tanong niya ng matapos namin ito.
I felt him look at me but my eyes remained on the paper laying on the desk of his chair. Tumango ako.
"You sure you can do this? Yessenia can back up for you. Pwedeng ako lang din."
"I have to." sagot ko, nanatiling nasa papel ang mga mata. I'm trying to get all of those in my head. Kailangan ko talaga ng practice kapag mga ganitong gawain dahil kinakabahan ako sa harap ng maraming tao.
"You don't have a stage fright anymore?"
"Okay lang naman."
"Okay, just tell me kung hindi mo kayang magsalita. I'll wrap it up for you. Bumaba na tayo." tumayo siya.
I noticed Edwin and Aileen weren't there anymore. Kami lang ang tao sa room nila.
"Claude," he lifted a brow. "Thank you."
His eyes twinkled. "Wala yun."
"No, hindi yun wala. Marami ka ng natulong sakin."
"That's nothing." he laughed. He casually put his other hand on my backpack, that made me start to walk with him.
"It's not nothing. Yung kay Allen, Cali, and even now." I said ignoring his hand on my bag.
"How's Cali, by the way?" he asked, "Nag-usap na kayo?"
"Yeah. She's a lot more better now, thanks to you."
He chuckled. "I'm glad to hear that."
"Ano ba talagang nangyari?" hindi ko naiwasang itanong.
"She broke up with her boyfriend and drank with her friends."
"I know pero pwede ba yun? Expelled dahil uminom kahit minor? Hindi bat personal life naman yun?"
"She went out during school premises. The school wouldn't know if only she didn't go back to school with her drunk friend."
I wouldn't deny the wrongdoings of Cali, but she's really innocent. Pwede naman kasing umuwi nalang siya diretso at hindi na bumalik sa school but she was more terrified that her parents would know she's not in school kaya bumalik siya. Okay naman na bumalik siya dahil hindi siya lasing. She admitted that she took a sip on the alcoholic drink, but the one who came with her back to school could hardly walk. Kaya nalaman nila.
"How I wish I stopped her from seeing that guy. Wala talagang naitutulong yun kay Cali eh. She's been so invested on her phone since she started dating him."
"What's meant to happen will happen."
My mind's drifting that I didn't even notice our set-up. Yessenia looked at me confusion.
"Yess, saan ka pupunta? Wala ng tao doon sa taas."
She eyed something kaya napatingin din ako. Claude immediately removed his hand from my bag.
"I'll just get my things. Claude, kailangan mo na atang pumunta don. Magsisimula na sila."
It didn't occur to me how we could draw so much attention until we arrived at the gym. Pati mga kaibigan ni Claude ay inaasar siya nang dumating kami. I didn't pay attention to them and continued walking to the stage to prepare the mic.
"Yung bag mo." he pointed.
Claude helped me remove my bag which I know could draw a lot more attention but for a moment, it's as if I don't care about what the others would think.
Hindi ko na pinansin nang kunin ni Claude yung bag ko at bumaba ng stage. I continued setting up the sound system because we are about to start.
The program was successful. It wasn't a formal program but still a lot of people have prepared so much for this. I didn't realize I haven't congratulated Claude until I was finally calling his name.
"What's with you and Claude?" salubong saakin ni Yessenia pagkababa ko ng stage dahil kakain na kami. Claude already left the stage earlier than me.
"Kanina pa ako nagtataka kung bakit kasama mo siya." si Yess
"Tinulongan niya kasi ako sa pag MC."
"I know. Naka announce naman kasi sa gc na ikaw lang ang MC. It seems like he knows you haven't read it kaya hinanda niya talaga yan." mapang-asar niya akong tiningnan.
"It's like he knows he'll be the one to do my tasks if I failed to do so. Iyon yun."
"You know it's not that, Hazel. Halika nga," inakbayan niya ako bago kami nakisalo sa maraming tao. "Did you congratulate him? Hindi no?"
"Nakalimutan ko."
"Kaya pala mukha kang ewan kanina nong tinawag mo ang pangalan niya!" she laughed, "tapos ito namang si Claude, ngiting-ngiti naman. I don't know what's stopping the both of you when everything's clearly obvious."
Yessenia won't stop budging me kahit noong kumakain na kami. Nakakahiya tuloy sa mga kasamahan namin sa table dahil halata namang si Claude ang inaasar saakin.
Tumunog yung cellphone ko at nakita ang isang mensahe galing kay Nevielle.
Nevielle:
Wag kang magpaka-busog. We'll have lunch later.
Natandaan ko tuloy yung sinabi kanina ni Nien. They wanted to celebrate outside?
"Una na ako. May pupuntahan pa kami nina Nev." I used it as an excuse.
"Wait, hindi mo pa siya na congratulate eh."
"It's not necessary, Yess."
"Top 4, hindi necessary?"
Umirap ako. He deserves to be congratulated. Gustong-gusto kong i-congratulate pero nahihiya akong mag approach. I totally forgot about it when I was with him.
"Let's go to Claude." nagpahila na ako kay Yessenia dahil gusto ko din naman.
He wasn't sitting at one of the tables. Malapit siya sa stage kasama ang mga kaibigan niya who seemed to be in a celebratory mood right now. One of them might have told Claude I was approaching because he immediately turned.
"You can do this." Yessenia whispered before I left her because Claude's meeting me half-way.
"You did well up there." sabi niya nang makalapit saakin.
"It's because you helped me. Thank you." tipid akong ngumiti. He looks more amused at the way I thanked him dahil malawak ang mga ngiti niya.
"I told you, it's nothing."
"Anyway, congrats?" I tried to sound cheerful but it sounded more like a question.
"I thought I won't hear any from you. Thanks." umiwas siya ng tingin.
What does he mean? Inaantay ba niyang batiin ko siya? Was that he's trying to say??
"Yesha!"
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko nang biglang tumakbo si Claude papunta kay Daniesha.
What now? I turned around before going back to Yessenia. Dapat hindi ko na kinausap. Nakakahiya. It's not that I am expecting something big from him, but maybe I was hoping it'd be different from the last time.
"What?!" mataray kong tanong kay Yessenia dahil kanina pa siya nakatitig. "Tapos na ang usapan."
"Nagseselos ka?" Yessenia looked at me in disbelief
"Hindi ah. Bakit naman ako magseselos don. They're just friends naman, diba? Besides, why would I be jealous? It's not like I'm still into Claude." I rolled my eyes on her.
"Unbelievable. You're still into him!" tuwang tuwa pa.
"I told you, I'm not."
"Pero nagseselos ka?"
"Ba't naman ako magseselos?" ang tigas talaga ng ulo. Sabi na ngang hindi ako nag seselos eh!
"Kasi gusto mo pa naman talaga si Claude."
"That guy?!" I pointed somewhere as I made a face, "Ako? Gusto pa din siya?!"
Tumango-tango si Yessenia.
"In your dreams. Ma-una na nga ako sayo."
I marched my way out of the court. Alam naman ni Yessenia na may pupuntahan ako kaya hindi na niya ako hinabol. Hindi pa siguro tapos sina Nev sa pag celebrate kaya sa bahay ko nalang sila siguro hihintayin. Magpapalit lang ako ng uniform.
Nasa gate na ako nang matandaan ang bag ko. Claude has it before we started. Wala siyang sinabi kung asan niya nilagay. Pabalik na sana ako sa court yard kung asan ang mga estudyante nang makabangga ko ang mga sophomores.
They awkwardly smiled at me that I felt my heart clenched. Those are Tyler's friend.
I could feel my tears streaming down that I decided to leave the school without my bag. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako papunta at sumakay ng tricycle. I just want to escape. Gusto kong umiyak ng umiyak nalang.
"Ma'am? Asan po ang baba niyo?" the tricycle driver asked me when we're already getting farther.
"Sasabihin ko lang, kuya. Ikot ka lang muna sandali."
I would usually lock myself inside my room whenever I cry but I realize that doesn't help. It makes me lonelier. And I promised I will be alright for Tyler so I have to at least try.
The vast of the wind and the scenery of Acacia somehow made me feel better. Hindi ko alam kung naka-ilang ikot sa barangay namin ang tricycle nang maisipan kong sa lola ko nalang bumaba.
Gulat si lola ng makita ako sa labas ng bahay niya. I can barely remember the last time I visited her house. Siguro nong junior high pa yun. Now I feel bad why I never bothered to visit her when Tyler was still here.
Tyler and I were both close to our grandparents. Sinasabi nga ng mga pinsan ko na favoritism yung grandparents namin dahil lagi nalang kami ni Tyler ang hinahanap. I just don't know what changed that I haven't really paid any attention to them for the past years.
"Napadalaw ka, apo?" aniya sabay lapag ng orange juice.
I remember how I would always run away from home and go to my grandparents' whenever I am being scolded. Lagi nalang si Lola ang takbuhan namin ni Tyler kapag napapagalitan kami sa bahay.
Spending hours coping up with my grandmother, I turned off my phone. Kahit ngayon lang, maibigay ko ang oras ko sakanya.
Seriously, I am missing too much.
Hindi ko alam kung naka-ilang oras ako doon at nakatulog pa talaga ako sa sala. I woke up with my arms feeling numb. Yun kasi ang ginawa kong unan. I fixed the blanket that's covering me, in which I assumed my lola put on me while I'm asleep, before standing up.
"La, uwi na po ako."
Mula television ay ibinaling saakin ni Lola ang kanyang tingin. I smiled when I saw her pout. Tumayo ako at humakbang papalapit sakanya upang humalik sa pisngi.
"Uuwi ka na agad? Hindi ka man lang magha-haponan dito?" she sounds disappointed that I wouldn't stay that long.
"Oo. Padilim na kasi." I pointed outside the window na sinundan naman niya ng tingin.
"Oh sige, mag-iingat ka apo. Balik ka lang ha."
Nginitian ko lamang siya bago lumabas ng kanyang kwarto. Napasandal ako sa pinto nang tuluyan ko ng maisarado ito.
I let go a heavy sigh as tears started to raced down on my cheeks. My heartbeat started to go irregular. I silently sobbed. Afraid that my lola would hear me, I walked away from her room.
Patuloy ang pag-iyak ko habang palabas ako ng bahay nila. Gusto kong pigilan ang pag-agos ng luha ko kaso ang bigat bigat ng pakiramdam ko na para ba akong binagsakan ng langit.
Kahit anong oras pa man, yun pa din ang unang naiisip ko sa tuwing nagigising ako. Kasi tang*na lang, ang sakit pa rin!
Hindi ko pa rin maintindihan kung bakit kailangan ganon ang mangyari. Bakit parang ang aga naman ata? Bakit kinailangan pa niyang mahirapan kung mamatay rin pala siya sa araw na iyon? Bakit sa lahat ng tao, siya pa?! Bakit yung taong napakahalaga saakin?
I continued to walk to where my feet would take me. Hindi ko alam kung asan ako pupunta. I just want to be alone right now.
The sky turned into dark gray color, indicating that a heavy rain is about to come. The nimbus clouds started to pour little showers.
When I reached the remoted river, I fell down on my knees and the mental breakdown started there. Nakakapagod din palang mag panggap na okay ka lang. Even if you kept dodging the problem, the day would still come wherein they will attack you all at once.
The next thing I knew, Claude's already hugging me and I hate how comforting it is.
"Hazel, please stop this. This won't make him come back." he pleaded
And I hate how true his words are.
"Leave."
I know the truth... I just couldn't accept it.
I couldn't see his face nor my surroundings. It's just my tears and a blurry vision
"Hazel, nagaalala na ako sa'yo. Please just accept it."
"I SAID LEAVE!" I shouted, "Stop telling me to just accept it because it's not easy!"
"It's not easy but it already happened, Haze!"
Kumulog ulit ang kidlat. The rain started to fall heavy.
"It's not you who died."
"Yun nga eh! Hindi ako yung namatay pero hinihiling ko, na sana ako nalang!" I continued punching his chest, as if it would hurt him. "He don't deserve to die that early. He's a good person, Claude. He deserves all good things in this world."
"Hazel! Claude!" I heard someone shouting from afar.
"He doesn't like seeing you like this. Please, Haze?"
Lumapit siya saakin at niyakap. Mas lalo akong naiiiyak. Ang sakit sakit pa rin pala. No natter how hard I try to be okay, hindi ko pa din kaya. Hindi ko alam kung kailan ba ako masasanay nito o baka hindi na ako masanay.
Or maybe... I never really want to get used to living without him.
Itinulak ko si Claude bago lumayo. "Why would I even listen to you?! Ano ba kita?!"
I saw how his jaw clenched as if he was hurt by my words.
"No, Claude. You tell me, ano ba kita?! Why are you always meddling with my life now that he's gone?!" I continued pushing him.
"It's because I care–"
"You care? You never cared, Claude! So, please stop giving me false hope!"
Because I can't deal with any more pain now.
05/21/21 02:45