A/N: Be prepared for some sad boy hours :(
May 8th, 2017
"No, we can't do that!" I shout at Melody from across the table as I sit in a board room with both James and my own publicists, our managers and James who sits across the table from me next to Melody, slumped in his seat playing with the leather bracelet around his wrist and I'm shocked he isn't saying anything. I stare at the two pieces of paper that sit neatly on the clear glass table, black pens sitting above them perfectly straight and it makes my stomach turn.
"Tilly, it will only be for a few months, trust me, it'll help out the film and give both you and James much more attention!" Melody says with a toothy smile as she stands to her feet and traces around the room slowly, her hands held in front of her chest.
"That is insane, I'm not going to pretend to be in a relationship with James for publicity!" I say as I look over to James and he doesn't look back.
"Say something!" I shout at him, pleading almost for him to help me swim while I drown in this conversation and he sits up and leans across the table to me.
"You need to lower your voice." He says sternly and I roll my eyes, standing to my feet and going to the window that looks down over London. I hold my arms in front of my chest and feel the sudden pain in my chest rise into my throat, so I close my eyes and hope it goes away.
"I'm not doing it." I say confidently to everyone in the room and my publicist, Mary, walks over to me and holds her hand out, stretching it around my shoulders and I shake her off.
"Think about all the famous showmances!" She says smiling, trying to convince me to sign the contract.
"Yeah and they all end up getting found out anyways! I said no, Mary." I spit at her harshly.
"Hun, people already think that the two of you are already in some kind of romantic relationship. The tour has been great for both of you and you've been blatantly flirting with one another during interviews and late-night shows. It wouldn't be a bad thing, there's only a month left." Melody says as she sits down in her chair, tossing her red curls over her shoulder and giving me an overwhelmingly fake smile as she crosses her legs.
"The tour ends in a month, why start now? This is ridiculous." I say throwing my hands up in the air.
"The contract would go for eighteen months, Tilly." James' publicist, Donna says to me softly as she exchanges a glance with Mary who sits across from her.
"A-a year and a half!" I shout questioningly at the room and James sits quietly, elbows pressed on the armrests of his chair, his jaw clenched.
"It would go so fast!" Melody says cheerily as if she's trying to convince me to go on a ride, not sign my life away for almost two years.
"Why aren't you saying anything?" I say through broken words to James from across the room and he doesn't look up at me, rather shrugs his shoulders as he tugs at the bracelet.
"Seriously?!" I shout at him as I walk over to the table and lean on it, pressing my hands firmly into the glass, I feel my cheeks burn red from anger. How could he be so submissive right now?
"Stop shouting at me!" He yells back standing up and copying my body language, but I don't back down. Rather we stand angrily looking into each other's tired eyes, twenty-seven countries in two months really takes a toll on someone's physical and mental health. James stopped sitting with me on the plan about two weeks ago, he now sits as far away from me as possible with headphones in. I never asked why, I guess I just figured it was because he needed space because of how close we always were. I look into his hollow blue eyes, his dark under eye bags transforming him into an entirely different person. I feel his eyes pierce into my own. His jaw is locked in place and I can see the pain he's going through. The pain we're both going through hits us both, but he doesn't back down, instead I do, and I sit in my chair slumped down, the confidence leaving my body the moment I sit myself down on the chair, feeling smaller than ever as I look up at him, his face softening when he does the same.
"We're always together anyways so I don't see why it changes anything." He mumbles, slumping himself into the chair.
"Except the fact we no longer have control over the articles about us, the fake Instagram posts about one another we'll have to make, the fake dinner dates and nights out purely for paparazzi keep up with us and the ability to love anyone else!" I say back, not looking at anyone.
"Did we ever really have control over the articles?" James says back and I look at him, feeling nothing but anger towards him. This isn't the boy I met a year ago, this is someone different.
"Why do you wanna do this?" I ask him softly, feeling the anger conjure confusion within me.
*Play song now: You're Somebody Else by Flora Cash*
"We do all that shit anyways, Tilly. How is it any different if there's a contract involved?" He spits at me sarcastically and I hear Melody whisper something to Mary as she shows her a phone who passes the phone onto Donna who then looks up at me.
"What?" I snap at them, remaining slumped in my seat with my hand curled into a fist holding my head up at the temple.
"Have you seen this?" Donna says as she passes me Melody's phone and my eyes feast upon an article about Harry, about my Harry... pictured with a girl with blonde hair, her arm wrapped around his waist as his own is around her shoulder, his lips pressed to her temple and I lose my breath. I feel something in my stomach drop and I choke on my words as I fumble to make a sentence. The sadness begins to run through me as I regain my breath, tears fill my eyes and I blink away at them as I scroll through the multiple photos of Harry and some girl kissing, holding hands, in a café laughing and at the beach.
"No... No, this isn't, um, n-no... No, that can't be... That isn't um..." I can't find the words; I feel a lump rise in my throat and at any moment I could throw up. I shake my head as Melody slowly makes her way to me, resting a hand on my shoulder and I shrug it off, my body running cold as if the temperature inside this room has dropped ten degrees. My eyes fixate on the screen as my hands hold the phone, Melody takes it from me with a sigh and my hands remain held above my chest, slowly curling into a ball as they begin to shake.
It can't be. This isn't happening, right?
"Tilly, when will you realise he doesn't love you?" James mumbles from across the desk and I shake my head in disbelief, my eyes squeeze shut, and I shake my head, placing my hands over my face to cover the tears that roll over my cheeks.
"I'm sorry." Mary says gently as she sits next to me and I move my hands away from my face, holding them in my lap as I stare into the ground, my lips slightly parted.
"I don't... u-understand... When were these taken?" I whimper through sobs.
"They surfaced around a week ago." Donna says and I feel a pain in my chest, I feel my heart breaking and I suppose this is why they call it 'heartbreak' because this feeling of ache shatters me to my core. The feeling of someone ripping into my chest with gritty nails, robbing me of my heart is how I would describe it.
"I'll sign it." I say sternly as I look out the window and out of the corner of my eye I see Melody slide the paper over with her freshly manicured nails, her other hand holding out the pen.
"Whenever you're ready." She says and I turn to her, taking the pen slowly, looking at it in awe, the ink from this pen will be the end of me for a little while... but if Harry doesn't want me, what do I have to lose?
I flip through the paper, not being able to focus on the words written on each page and I hear Melody begin to vent out the rules and regulations for the next year and a half.
"Now we'll have access to all your social media platforms, no one but those in this room are allowed to know about this contract and that includes family members, a story will be created of how the two of you got together and an 'anonymous' will send in photos of the two of you on a date, you'll need to be seen together at least four times a week, obviously we'll schedule when that-"
I sign my name away, tears blotting the paper, before Melody finishes talking.
"... Happens." She finishes softly and I throw the pen onto the table and look away from everyone. I slowly stand to my feet and walk to the window, my knees shaking as tears stream down onto my cheeks uncontrollably. I look out onto the city and close my eyes, the sound of James scribbling his name onto the paper filling the room. I take a deep breath and fold my arms over my chest and lean on the window, a small part of me hoping it disappears and I fall to the ground, floating in the air as I fall to my death. But I'm just being melodramatic.
"Are we done here?" James says as he stands, his chair scratching against the ground as he takes his coat and leaves the room, not bothering to hear everyone out, Donna follows him out and Melody sits in his open chair, tapping at her phone whilst Mary collects the contracts and puts them in her brief case.
"The contract begins as of May 13th, Tilly, I wish you all the best." Mary says as she leaves the room, leaving Melody and I alone in the boardroom.
"Tilly, this is for the best, you know." Melody says monotoned and I don't answer, rather squeeze my eyes shut, causing more tears to roll down my cheeks as they make their way along my jaw, hoping to drown her out.
"I want to go home for a few days before the contract commences." I say through gritted teeth.
"That should be fine, dear. We're in London anyways. When are you thinking?" Melody says as she stands to her feet, holding her belongings in her arms.
"Despite all of this on May 12th, my friend's releasing an album. I promised I'd be there." I say and she sighs, agreeing to let me do it as she walks from the room. I slide down the glass and look out onto the city for a second before breaking down completely and hugging my knees to my chest, feeling so very fucking small.
******
May 12th, 2017
I see Gemma standing with a sign at the airport with my name on it and I run over to her, dropping my bags, and collapse into her arms. I wrap my hands around her neck and instantly begin breaking down into tears immediately and she pats the back of my head softly, quietening me as I cry into her shoulder, my hands clenching onto her cardigan as she holds my shaking body.
"I know, I know, baby." She says quietly and I sob uncontrollably.
"I just don't understand, Gemma, why would he?" I say as she holds me tightly and the people around us walk around us giving us strange looks, but I'm too upset to notice.
"Get me out of here." I say to her as I let go and pick up my bag, Gemma taking my suitcase and we walk out, her arm around my shoulder while she says calming things as a method to console me.
"It's gonna be okay, I'll make sure of it."
"You're so strong, just push a little further, we're almost at the car."
"He's a fool, Tilly."
"You'll be alright."
"Deep breaths, deep breaths."
We make it to the car, and I sit there sobbing as we drive away, I cry until we reach Holmes Chapel. I look around the familiar town watching the streets go by with my head pressed to the glass. The children run around, and we pass the bakery Harry used to work at, along with the cinema I worked at for six years.
"Good morning errybody' it is Friday morning, 12th of May and it has just gone 7am and our guest is here, good morning, Harry Styles!"
My blood runs cold and I stare at the radio.
"Good Morning." The familiar voice says through the radio and I feel a lump rise in my throat.
"How are ya?" The radio host asks him, and he stutters before answering.
"I'm not doing too bad actually-" He says before Gemma reaches to the radio, practically punching at the off button to silence her brother.
"You didn't have to do that." I say softly.
"I did. I don't even wanna hear him." She says as her gaze looks from the road to me, then back to the road and I shuffle in my seat, sinking deeply into the chair.
"I'm proud of his album because by god he worked his ass of but honestly, Fuck Harry." Gemma says and I laugh at her remark. My eyes sting from crying so much so I close them and wait until we get home.
The car comes to a stop and I see we're out the front of my house. I don't have to be at Anne's until later tonight, where I'll see Harry. She gets out and gives me a hug, carrying my bag to the front door.
"You don't have to go tonight, y'know?" She says and I shake my head at her.
"He's family. I have too, Gem." I say back, pulling her into a hug and she squeezes tightly.
I go inside and walk straight to my room, knowing Dad won't be home until five because he's working all day. I throw my bag in the corner and crash onto the bed that hasn't been touched since we left for Amsterdam. Fucking Amsterdam. I stare at the ceiling littered in my the stars that glow in the dark I put up when I was younger, it's not that I was ever afraid of the dark, I suppose it's just because on the nights I couldn't see the stars, I'd rely on the plastic ones stuck to my ceiling. This past week has been intense, and as soon as I land in Manchester tomorrow, I'll be rushed off to BBC 1 radio house, the same place Harry is... or was and I'll be speaking with Nick Grimshaw, the same person Harry was speaking with... or still is. I exhale deeply and close my eyes, allow the heaviness to disappear, I should put eye drops in my stinging eyes, but I'd rather fall asleep until Dad gets home, I suppose that way I'm not thinking of everything.
"Tilly?" Dad says softly and I flutter my eyes open to look at him, my room a soft glow from the pastel pink sunset outside my window.
"Hey." I say as I roll over onto my side and he strokes my hair.
"You we're crying in your sleep, Tilly girl. What's wrong?" He asks and I sigh deeply and explain everything that happened, well almost everything, somethings I just can't tell him, not legally and that's almost as painful as the photos of Harry and the mystery girl.
"You don't have to go tonight Tilly, in fact we can stay home and analyse Kate Winslets shitty acting in Titanic." Dad says with a chuckle and I laugh back.
"Gemma said the same thing, but I have to go... To say goodbye." I say softly and look up at him and he furrows his eyebrows at me.
"If that's what you want, I won't stop you." Hesays and gives my knee a pat over the bed duvet. I watch as he walks out of theroom, closing the door behind me. I stare at the ceiling with one hand restedon my stomach, the other behind my head and I think of everything. I think oftoday, my last day of Tilly Jackson – tomorrow I'm James Logan's girlfriend. Isit up in bed and wipe at my eyes. If tonight is my last night of me being me,I'm going to tell Harry how I feel. Even though I'm mad at him, this is my lastchance to say something, to say anything.
A/N: I'M SO SORRY GUYS I REALLY AM DON'T HATE ME AHHH
Writing this chapter made me sob