"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival." C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
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IX.
Grace performed her duties as diligently as she possibly could in the weeks since the Beresfords had returned home, all the while under the constant scrutiny of the duchess' maid, Miss Naismith.
The duchess didn't trust Grace, which was something that she couldn't quite understand. She had only but look to her son to see that he had become exactly the sort of gentleman that she had wanted him to be. He was educated, refined, engaged, and entirely without desire to rekindle any sort of attachment that he and Grace had once shared.
Did the duchess could not have known about the letter that Adam had sent Grace, or else she would not have bothered with her spy.
Grace kept up her end of the bargain and took everything that she earned home to her family each week. It would still be a while before her mother would be mobile, and until then, Grace would be on her best behaviour.
She had succeeded in avoiding Adam until that very day when she and Ruby had been summoned to the library. Revealing the loss of her father and stealing a glance up at Adam in that moment proved to her that he hadn't known, and for a moment she could see his genuine sadness for her.
Even if their childhood dreams and promises were lost, her friend was still inside of him. Part of her, a large part, longed to know him again.
"There has to be more that you are not telling me," insisted Ruby that night.
They both were sitting up in their beds. Grace was brushing through her hair, ready to fix it into a braid to sleep in. "I grew up in this village," replied Grace dismissively. "As did many people. We went to the church school for a time as children. Yes, we knew each other, but it has been many years since then."
Ruby huffed impatiently. "I just find it hard to believe that someone like you could be known to two lords like that," Ruby remarked. "It would be like someone likeme being known to two lords."
Grace knew that Ruby had not meant any offense in her statement, but she wholly understood what she meant. It was not usual that someone of her rank could boast a connection like the one she had. Not that she would ever boast.
"Things are different when you are children," Grace offered. "Children don't see rank or status, titles or fortune. Their blindness to circumstance is what makes childhood innocence, childhood friendship, so beautiful."
Ruby sighed, offering Grace a small, accepting smile. "I suppose you are right," she allowed. "I only wish some of my childhood friends had grown up to have thousands of pounds and an estate this size."
"Oh, hush," shushed Grace. She quickly plaited her hair and threw it over her shoulder, before blowing out the candle between them.
***
Near the end of September, Grace had managed another several weeks without seeing Adam. It was getting easier being within Ashwood House, and Miss Naismith had eased her constant watch. Grace's routine was a boring one, and the lady's maid could see day after day that Grace was not diverting from it.
Her mother's healing was coming along, and the doctor was due to visit in October to check on her.
On the morning of the twenty-ninth of September, as the servants were sitting down to breakfast, the three Beresfords entered the kitchen bearing gifts. Adam, Jack and Susanna made their way cheerfully over to Mrs Hayes, before presenting her with the gifts before the entire household.
"Happy birthday, Mrs Hayes," Adam said tenderly, his sentiments echoed by Jack and Susanna.
Mrs Hayes looked truly touched, and the rest of the household began to wish her a happy birthday as well.
"Happy birthday, Mrs Hayes," added Grace, smiling over at the kind woman. Adam's eyes flashed to Grace's when he heard her voice, but he didn't smile. Instead, he stared at her coldly for a brief moment before turning his attention back to the woman who had been his mother figure as a child.
This small interaction, however, was noticed by Mrs Hayes, and she frowned ever so slightly. "My dears," she said, recovering. "You remembered! Thank you. Thank you all!"
"Of course, we did, Mrs Hayes," Jack assured her, wearing the first smile that Grace had ever seen on his face.
"We hope you like it," added Susanna, motioning to the present.
Mrs Hayes moved her porridge aside and placed the box down on the table. She removed the lid and unwrapped a beautiful silver hairbrush and comb set.
Grace's eyes widened at the extravagance of the present. How beautiful it was!
Mrs Hayes gasped. "Oh, you shouldn't have! It's too much!"
Adam and Jack leaned down either side of Mrs Hayes and kissed her cheeks. She blushed a little as she patted their heads affectionately.
"It's not nearly enough," promised Susanna.
After wishing Mrs Hayes a happy birthday again, the three Beresfords left the kitchen, and the breakfast resumed shortly after. Nobody else seemed to have observed the way that Adam had looked upon Grace, and she was thankful that there were no questions.
Or so she had thought. When the dishes were cleared, and the maids and footman dispersed for their morning duties, Grace was called into Mrs Hayes' sitting room.
The door was closed behind her, and Mrs Hayes set down her birthday gift on the table.
"Perhaps we shall have a special dinner tonight," Grace suggested awkwardly. "Now that we know it is your birthday."
"Oh, no," dismissed Mrs Hayes. "Every one of us has a birthday at some point during the year. I've had enough of them. Those three were too generous." She shook her head at the notion, though Grace could see that Mrs Hayes did genuinely appreciate the thought. "Grace, would you tell me if something has happened between yourself and Lord Beresford?"
Mrs Hayes had noticed the exchange. Grace only hoped her denial was convincing.
"No," she murmured, shaking her head.
Mrs Hayes pursed her lips. "I just find it odd ... you two were so inseparable as children ... Adam, he ... Lord Beresford, forgive me, he talked of little else."
"But that was it," Grace said hurriedly. "We were children. I think many people are forgetting that it has been twelve years since they were last here. If one wanted to remain attached, one would write," she insisted, "and that ... he did not ..." Grace stopped herself, her eyes widening at her sudden outburst of emotion. "Forgive me, please, Mrs Hayes," she begged. "Please, nothing has happened. Lord Beresford is a gentleman now. My only wish is that I am able to go about my duties and carry on with my life."
Mrs Hayes still looked a little confused, but she could see that Grace had little desire to discuss the matter further. "Very well," she allowed. "I am sorry to pry. I really is none of my business and it is a sin to gossip." She then smiled. "You have done an excellent job since you began at Ashwood House, Grace. You are a diligent worker. Your reference from the Slicksons was entirely factual. I am glad you are here. Would you take the new candles up to the ladies parlour, please?" she asked. "You will find them in the buffet drawers. The duchess complained about the smell of the old candles and so we have ordered new ones."
Grace nodded and left Mrs Haye's room. She immediately went to the buffet, in which all the serving dishes were kept. In the drawers were dozens and dozens of candles. She collected a tray and pulled out the amount that she would need, before she walked to the servant's staircase to rise up into the house.
There would be no one in the ladies parlour at this hour, so she had no qualms with slipping into the hallway and into the room. The duchess' breakfast had been being prepared in the kitchen, which meant that she was still abed, and Lady Susanna would never sit in there by herself.
Grace set the tray down on top of the pianoforte and opened the drapes to let the light of the morning in. The fire had been laid, but was no lit, so without the curtains open, it was entirely dark. Once she could see, the walked around the room and collected the old candle stubs and used the pockets of her apron to hold them.
There was a portrait of the duchess that hung above the fireplace. She looked entirely regal, draped in linens and jewels, captured with a perfectly disagreeable expression on her face. Now that Miss Naismith wasn't following her, it was as though the duchess had begun watch.
Grace jumped when the door to the parlour opened, and she froze, unsure of why considering that she had been told to be in there. She relaxed a little when she saw that the visitor was Susanna, and not someone untoward.
With how hesitantly Susanna was lingering at the door, Grace almost thought that she was waiting for an invitation from her. She frowned, before curtseying.
"Good morning, milady," she greeted softly. "I won't be long, I promise. I am just replacing the candles."
"Oh, please don't rush on my account," begged Susanna, stepping nervously into the room.
Grace found Susanna's behaviour a little odd, but she was not about to question her. She was dressed for the day, looking beautifully elegant in white. Her high-waisted gown was cut in the latest fashion, and her hair was curled and styled in an intricate twist. It was still strange to see Susanna as a lady when she had been but a girl of seven, begging to be allowed to join in with her brothers what felt like moments ago.
"I've wanted to talk to you for a little while, Grace. I saw you come in here alone, and I've been working up the courage to enter," Susanna confessed, and Grace's brows furrowed.
"What on earth do you mean?" Grace placed the tray of candles back down on the pianoforte and walked over to Susanna, careful to keep a distance between them.
Colour filled Susanna's cheeks. "Well, I always admired you so," she admitted. "I know things are terribly different now ... for you, at least," she noted.
Again, Grace frowned. Different?
"No one will tell me," she continued. "I can't really ask about you. To say your name ..." she trailed off. "Would you tell me why you have come to Ashwood?" she wondered.
"Oh," realised Grace. That was no terrible secret. "My mother and I were both employed by Mrs Slickson," explained Grace. "But she took a fall and broke her leg. Forgive me for the crassness of it all, but I earn a better wage here. My father passed away five years ago, and so my family depend on my income."
"You support your family?" remarked Susanna softly. "Did you ever want to get married?"
Grace was a little taken aback by the question, considering it was so personal and she and Susanna really were not acquainted properly. But Susanna was her superior, despite their difference in age. "Marriage is not a possibility for me," she replied quietly. "I cannot in good conscience marry and leave my family. They depend on me. It is my responsibility as the eldest to look after them."
Susanna chewed on her bottom lip momentarily. "Where have I heard that before?" she muttered under her breath. "I am terribly sorry to hear of your father, and your mother. I hope she has a speedy recovery," Susanna willed. "You are kind."
The latter seemed like an observation, and decision even, about Grace's character. Grace felt as though she were truly being appraised again.
"You are kind," Susanna said again. "You are selfless, and you do care about the people you love, don't you?"
Grace really had no idea what Susanna was getting to, but she could honestly nod. "Yes, of course," she confirmed.
"Then why would you ..." Susanna hesitated as she pursed her lips, stopping to think.
"Why would I what?" pressed Grace.
Susanna shook her head. "I am sure he would be angry with me if he knew," she continued, changing the subject. "But I think you are a kind person, Grace. I always did. I always wanted you to like me, I wanted your approval," she admitted bashfully.
Grace suddenly felt quite awkward yet flattered at Susanna's confession. But she could assume that Susanna was talking of Adam's anger, and she longed to be in a position to ask why he would be angry. "I don't know why," Grace replied. "You never needed my approval."
"Grace, I do not have any friends," Susanna revealed, quite vulnerably. "I know that there is a conflict ... but I do not think I could find a better, or more decent, friend than you."
The duchess did not want Grace speaking to Adam. What would she say to this? And yet, her heart hurt for Susanna, who looked to be truly putting herself into Grace's hand. She wanted a friend, which to Grace, seemed like such a simple thing to ask of a person.
"Adam can't know," Susanna insisted. "He is still quite hurt, as you could imagine, though he would never admit it ..." she then gasped and clapped her hand over her mouth. "Oh, do pretend you did not hear that. He would surely see me hanged if he knew I told you that!"
"Milady," Grace said insistently. "I really have no idea what you are talking about." She was obviously talking about Adam, but Grace was completing unsure of whatever hurt Susanna was referring to. When had Adam been the one to experience injury?
"It really does take time to mend wounds, I suppose," Susanna realised. She shook off the thought. "Forgive me, please Grace. I feel really foolish now. I shouldn't have approached you like this ... I just thought it would be nice to have someone kind."
Grace's heart hurt for Susanna, which was a strange feeling indeed. "For what it's worth, I always liked you, milady. When we were younger, I thought of you like one of my sisters. I would love to be your friend."
Susanna beamed and almost skipped a step. "You would?" she checked excitedly.
Whatever the sins of her mother, the sins of her brother, Grace could see an innocence about Susanna. If she could take anything away from having to be in this house, let it be a friend.
---
Hmm, I wonder what will come of this friendship?
After seven and a half years of having my license, I got my first speeding ticket the other day :( The camera got me two freaking days before we went into Stage 4 lockdown. Money down the dang toilet.
Another long week, but my state finally had under 100 cases today! We're going down, and I'm praying we're out of lockdown soon. We're only allowed out of the house for one hour a day at the moment.
It's strict, and it's tough, but I know it's the right thing, and at the end of the day, we're preventing the loss of life.
I just can't wait to see my family again. It's been so long. June was the last time I saw them, and my baby niece has changed so much.
I'm honestly so looking forward to reading these author's notes in years to come and looking back at 2020 and going, wow.
I hope you're all staying safe! Wear a mask and look after each other xx
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