There's a funny thing about death. Once someone dies, they're no longer themselves. What they are are memories of those who knew them. And those that remember corrupt their memories, so that they're remembering a perfect version of that person.
I fell for this at first. All I spoke of, all I thought of, was Her smile, Her laugh, how She was witty and clever and nice, gorgeously talented at anything she set her mind to. Endearingly stubborn, won the fourth grade spelling bee... what wasn't there to love?
After two weeks of convincing myself that we'd lost the most wonderful person on the planet, I saw a cigarette laying on the ground, still smoking, and the dam I'd been holding back rushed over to me. I'd knelt on the side of the street, immobile from pain for nearly two hours.
She hadn't been perfect. She hadn't been this amazing, wonderful person all of Her mourners built her up to be, and it hurt. They weren't remembering Her, they were remembering the parts of Her they liked. But that wasn't Her. She wasn't perfect- She'd tried a cigarette. She'd toyed with the idea of becoming a drug dealer- so had I- but we'd never found a supplier- 'never' being a week. We hadn't the guts for such a venture.
She'd been through unpleasant breakups, crashed a few times before The crash, once stole my lamp because lamp- though after I demanded an apology She came groveling back to me. That was the only time we'd ever fought.
So, She wasn't perfect, but She didn't need to be. She was Herself, and that's all she'd ever needed to be, and anyone who mourned the loss of a 'perfect' Her was selfish. They did not truly understand who the earth lost that fateful day.
I contemplated this for the umpteenth time in the past year and fifty eight days.
"Still in black?" Lilac asked as she sat next to me in math.
I nodded grimly. It was day 423. "Still undecided on your groom? What about Ned?"
Lilac shrugged. "I like him. He likes me. I thought the same thing of my last three boyfriends though, so my hopes aren't too high."
I wasn't too sure if this was negative or wise on her part, so I stayed silent, content to doodle in the margins of my dark purple notebook- Her favorite color- until Lilac spoke again. "Why don't you come back to the barn with me today?"
~~~~~
Skip was waiting at the corner of the pasture when Lilac steered her truck around the bend. She flashed me a grin as the window slid down. "Watch this."
I watched, because something Interesting was going to happen. I could feel it in the electricity of expectation that crackled in the air.
The truck stopped.
Skip stared at us. Something about him looked tense.
"Go!"
Lilac's sudden shout spooked both Skip and I forwards, and I grabbed at the dashboard as she hit the pedal to the metal, the truck shooting down the road even as Skip thundered along, parallel to us.
"Keep an eye on the speedometer! I don't want to push him past thirty." Lilac shouted, casting glances between the thoroughbred that bounded ahead of us and the road, eyes dancing in delight. It became obvious to me that this was something she did often, as well as the horse, as the speedometer crawled steadily past thirty. "You're pushing thirty five." It shouldn't have felt fast, but something about the horse rocketing on the other side of the street made it quicker, somehow.
Lilac swore and let up on the gas a bit, slowing the truck to twenty nine. Skip's ears flickered, and I could have sworn the horse seemed almost disappointed as he veered away from the fence and jogged back to the hay bales. "I'm only allowed to do that on his days off." Lilac explained. "Can't wear him out too much though. Oh look, we're here."
We swung into the farm and went up the drive, the journey between Piperson Farm and school seeming much shorter than it had yesterday. I inhaled a deep breath as I jumped out of the truck; Ned failed to make an appearance, to Lilac's obvious disappointment. "Probably working with one of the colts." She finally muttered. "We usually give them a bit of a break between Christmas and February, which is when they begin training in earnest, but those that are just recently backed- the two year olds, I mean- need to have a few refresher courses."
I pretended to understand, and nodded, before following her around the two year old shedrow towards the backside. I hadn't met that line of two year olds yet.
A boy already stood on the other side, frowning into an apparently empty stall. He was slim and neatly built, with a sharp haircut, but as he turned his head slightly, I realized he was much older than he appeared, with unbothered stubble on his chin and exhaustion in his eyes.
"Hey, Li. Hello, you must be Anna."
"Anna. this is my brother, Derek." Lilac said helpfully. "What's wrong with this stall?"
Turning his attention back to the empty box stall at hand, Derek- who, I noted, was not unhandsome, though he was scandalously old- replied, "Father wants me to go to the Keeneland auction to fill this two year old stall, but I'm trying to make him hold out for that filly on Sylvester's string."
"The chestnut with the opposite socks?" When Derek nodded, she sighed. "Yeah, that one's a beauty."
"I just have that feeling about her. You know? One of those horses."
I didn't know, but he hadn't been talking to me. I wandered down the aisle to say hello to some of the more sociable yearlings, barely catching Lilac's reply. "I remember the last horse I had a feeling about. And now..."
"Shame Father doesn't wish to sell him, but then again, he's always been sentimental where Surrender is involved."
Most of the words were less than meaningless. I paused to slip Shamrock a horse cookie I'd snatched from a jar in Lilac's truck, letting the filly rub her head on my arm as I waited for Lilac and her brother to finish conversing.
A few soft squeals drew my attention further down the row. I hadn't been there yesterday- we'd run out of time before I could meet the two year olds there. But now I approached the last few stalls curiously, listening to the patter of hooves and breaths drawn from large bodies.
Most stalls were empty but used; horses at pasture. But the last two were occupied.
The horse on the inside of the block was quite large, bulky and bay with two high white socks crawling up his legs, perfectly even, as though he'd stepped very carefully in buckets of paint. His neck was arched as he faced away from me and towards the outside, ears forward. Energy coursed through the air, though the young stallion stood still, facing the wall. I frowned; I'd never seen a horse that concentrated before. Especially at just a wall.
Then a flicker behind the wall betrayed it as a mesh fence, separating the stallion from a horse on the other side. Taking a few more steps to the left, I reached a part where I could peer through the very last stall door.
There was nothing there. The anticlimactic moment drew energy from me as I leaned against the door, confused but not concerned about the first horse's behavior. There had to be a few odd-balls, as there were in any group, and maybe this one was it, which could be why he was separate from the other horses.
I mulled over this for a bit until the darkness of the last stall seemed to shift. Blinking rapidly, I glared in, and wondered why I couldn't see it before. There was a horse in there. I could just make out the sinuous shape of his hindquarters, the arrogant tilt to his head, the darker gleam in the gloom that bespoke of a dangerous eye.
And then the two horses exploded.
Squealing, the one closest to me rose up and struck out at the mesh fencing, rattling it dangerously. The other horses in the stable lit up with neighs and calls, even as the thicker horse slammed into the wall.
"Stop it!" Lilac shouted from next to me. I jumped; her approach had been hidden by the screaming of what I assumed were two stallions. "Bloody- oh, never mind. Derek, you move Tact a few stalls over. I've got the hose."
She disappeared, and I couldn't see where she went, only that the lithe stallion in the stall was furious. He dove forwards, running his teeth along the metal grate, screaming. Sunlight lashed across his back, revealing a sea of rippling muscles and dark, shining fur. Then he plunged back into the darkness in his stall and was nothing more than a shining shadow seething against the more dull shadows.
Water pelted into the stall, splattering against the sides with a dangerously squelchy sound. The stallion dropped away from the wall and turned, sending a powerful kick at it that reverberated through the entire stable. Another horse, larger, shot out of the first stall I'd looked into, ears laced back and eyes rolling. Derek held his halter, furious.
"Lilac! Go find that new stable boy and fire him immediately. This is unacceptable. No, bring him here. I want words."
There was a squeaking sound as the hose was turned off, and the pattering of feet, and we were left with a sudden, shocked silence. My eyes met Derek's as I slowly came to realize how fast my heart was thudding in my chest. I'd never been so scared since....
"Sorry you had to see that." Derek looked away from me and towards the thick horse he held, making a whistling sound. The horse calmed a little, though it still pranced, eyes rolling back towards its attacker. "That horse is supposed to be separated from the others."
I finally found my voice, breathing deeply like my long-fired therapist had told me to do. It worked. Somewhat. "What's wrong with him?"
Derek snorted. "What isn't? He's nuts. There's no reason for him to be- all of our horses are well behaved, haven't you noticed? Some are just born crazy though and he's one of them. Kicks, bites, rears- what you just saw is just one reason he's kept- or supposed to be kept- separate from the other horses. If I had my way, he'd be sent to the doggers."
"Why isn't he?" I glanced at the stall, and though I didn't see the horse we spoke of, there was a movement in the corner, a shifting of shadows. The sight was rather upsetting- he was a sea monster, lurking in the depths, ready to lash out at any moment.
Derek sighed. "His dam- that is, his mother- died. He's the last of his line, and it's a good one. Our last crossing of his dam and sire won the Belmont."
I had no idea what the Belmont was, and was spared having to care by the arrival of Lilac and an insolent boy, tan and no older than me.
"You!" Derek thundered. The boy flinched. "You nearly cost us a racehorse- look at Tact! We'll be lucky if that isn't a pulled tendon." He gestured towards the stallion's legs, and though I looked, I couldn't tell which was the pulled tendon, though I knew from a skateboarding experience that it hurt. A lot.
A curse word escaped Lilac.
Ned came running up then, looking worried. "What happened? I heard the screaming!"
"That happened." Derek flung a hand in the direction of the boy, voice filled with disgust, and then, as though he couldn't bear to look at the disgrace any longer, turned and stalked off, leading the hobbling horse with him. "Ned, call Willifred and get the vet out here. Aaron, you're fired."
"Good." The boy spat. "The wages here suck anyways."
"How-!" Lilac started, but Ned gently held her back as Aaron stalked away, back straight and indignant. "That bastard." She finally growled under her breath.
"And now we're down a groom for Aqueduct." Ned groaned.
Lilac leaned back against her boyfriend for a moment, eyes closed. Something about the gesture was intimately private, so I looked away, towards the attacking stallion's stall.
To my surprise, he was looking back, looking curiously like a pony with the shaggiest mane and forelock I'd seen in the barn. His head lifted as he realized I was looking at him, something menacing in his gaze, and then his ears tipped backwards as he ducked back into his stall, blending with the shadows.
"Anna."
I tore my gaze from the dangerous horse and leveled it at Lilac, who smiled, though pain was hidden behind it. The pain was hard to see if I didn't look for it, but I did.
"How'd you like to be a groom?"
~~~~~
My ineptitude with horses became quickly apparent over the next few days. Two of the three year olds were prepping for the Derby- which even I knew was the biggest horse race of the year- and I was assigned one of them to groom for Aqueduct, as well as two other stakes horses, all chestnuts of varying shades, and a two year old.
Shamrock was one of the stakes, shoved in the two year old barn due to her friendship with Holiday Break, my other charge. "I didn't know horses were friends with other horses." I said as Lilac showed me how to use a hoof pick. For the most part I knew how to groom a horse, but my lesson pony when I was eight had been a kicker, so I'd never gotten to use a hoof pick. The took felt awkward in my hands, but I knew She had known how to use one, because She'd spent ten minutes showing me how good Her horse was at picking up his hoof when asked. The memory burned in my throat as I ducked my head, concentrating on Lilac's words.
"They form very tight bonds, especially racehorses, since they travel so often. We like to keep friends together as often as possible because sometimes they're their only constant. When we can't keep horses together, we'll give them a cat or something to keep them company. Seabiscuit had his own pony. A few barns have goats, but we find them way too troublemaking."
"Does that crazy horse have a companion?" I asked, remembering the horse that attacked Tact yesterday.
"Crazy- oh, you mean Bloodless. Bloodless Day. Oh no, we've tried everything- he killed a cat, kicked a dog, and we even brought in a goat but they wouldn't go near each other. Stuffed animals have no impact on him, and you saw how he reacted to a horse."
"Stuffed animals?" I asked, but my mind was mulling over his name. Bloodless Day. It suit him, somehow. I pinned it to the vivid image of the swirling shadows and that dark, gleaming eye. Bloodless Day.
"Yeah. Skip has one- a stuffed frog Derek won in a claw machine. He adores the thing and won't settle in his stall unless it's there."
Holiday Break shifted impatiently and she stood, releasing his hoof. "Here, you try the front one now. Same thing."
I crouched and lightly squeezed the thoroughbred's chestnut- even though he was a bay, he had a little nob on the inside of his knee called a chestnut- and he obediently lifted his foot. Trying to mimic Lilac's motions, I took the sharp end of the pick to his hoof and carefully scraped out the dirt. Once I was satisfied it was gone, I used the brush part on the other side of the pick to really clear it off. Lilac studied my work critically.
"Really get in deep in the crevice on the sides of the frog, okay? That's the important part."
Sure enough, as I reached the hoof pick into there, little bits of gravel flew out of the hoof. "It gets stuck so easily."
"Mmhmmm. But you did good! I think he's clean now, and I have to start grooming my colts. Shamrock's very polite, you'll be okay with her, and if you need help just call for Ned- he's icing Tact's leg on the other side of the row."
I nodded seriously as she helped me put Holiday Break back into his stall, then left, trusting me to care for Shamrock. The sweet filly pushed at me for treats as I entered her stall, but I pushed her away from me- Lilac had warned that if she got too spoiled, she could start nipping. Not wanting to encourage any bad habits, I slipped her dark green halter over her face- the colors of Piperson Farms were hunter green and white- and led her onto the crossties, securing her carefully.
Mom had been pretty happy to hear that I'd been offered a job at the stable, saying that it would be good for me to have something to preoccupy me. Even the prospect of my missing school didn't concern her too much- Lilac had worked out a deal with the teachers, so she could email them her work and take online tests to make up for any she missed while traveling, and it turned out we'd be traveling a lot. Aqueduct was a famous racetrack up in New York, something that privately excited me and Her. She'd always wanted to travel and see New York, and though I knew that She really longed to see New York City, I was sure that She'd be happy to see the state as well, even if I only traveled up to brush horses off on the backside of a track.
Shamrock nickered, drawing me from my thoughts. I looked up to see Ned nodding at me from the opposite end of the shedrow. "You alright, lass? I reckon that shoulder of Sham's is mighty clean."
With a jolt, I realized I'd been going over the same spot on her shoulder for several minutes now. It wasn't necessarily wrong, but the filly was craning her neck questioningly at me. I mustered a smile. "Yeah, I'm alright. Just thinking."
Ned put a finger on the bridge of his nose; it was a very knowing gesture. "I know what you mean. I'll leave you to it then." He turned to leave, pausing when I called after him.
"Ned? How long have you been in America for?"
"I came to work here from the Emerald Isles about three years ago."
"Why? The pay isn't bad or anything, but it isn't amazing."
He glanced back at me. "Aye, but I'm here for the horses."
My thoughts kept me enough company that I didn't notice when he walked away.