"It was cold. Really cold...and dark." I take a breath and look down. "It was cloudy, but you couldn't see the clouds themselves so much as the absence of light from the moon and stars. It felt nice to be out in the crisp night air. I felt mysterious and enchanting, almost like I could do anything or be anybody."
"And who did you want to be?" Will asks, rubbing his thumb over the back of my hand in lazy circles.
I shrug. "I don't know who I wanted to be, but I'll tell you what I turned into. A temptress. A siren on land singing my song of ensnarement to the sleeping city." Will's eyebrows shoot up in surprise, and I nod, avoiding his gaze. "The feeling didn't last long, believe me. But for about ten minutes, walking along those streets in the dark, I felt powerful. It was the worst feeling ever because...well, because it came from a dark place. I loved the new feeling, but at the same time, I hated it and wanted it to stop. It was confusing and scary and I couldn't make it stop." Gentle tears start to drip onto my cheeks. "I didn't have control over the way I felt in that moment when I've always been able to shut off certain, unpleasant feelings. And that was before I even got to his house."
Will hugs me closer and tucks my head under his chin. "Who's house, love?"
It's been a couple days since the wedding when Will and I promised to tell each other about what makes us distant, and we were just settling down tonight to watch a movie when I launched into the story. There is no "right moment" for this type of thing, and if I gave the situation preface, I knew I would never get all the way to the end of the story. The only way to do this was to jump in with both feet before I knew what I was doing.
Right away he could tell that I was saying something grave and serious. We know each other so well that he could hear the slight tremor in my voice and odd context of my description of that night and knew I was finally giving him the story he had wanted for months. So, he didn't ask what I was talking about in the beginning, he merely asked who I wanted to be. He never interrupted me or asked prying questions, only listened attentatively and asked the occasional encouraging, properly sequential question.
I take a deep breath. "Nigel."
I feel as if a huge weight has been pried from my shoulders with that one word. A big breath comes whooshing out of my lungs, and now tears of relief spill down my cheeks. I glance up at Will to see him staring blankly above my head, putting the pieces together and surmising what had happened and what this new character had done. It's almost as if I can see the gears turning in his brain as he mouths Nigel over and over.
He brings his legs together a little, tightening them around me, as if assuring himself I'm still here. I pull my knees up to my chest and watch him until he finally looks down and begins stroking the back of my head.
"Would you happen to have his last name?" he asks with a strange, low menace in his tone. Butterflies flutter restlessly in my stomach at hearing the darker side of Will come out. I simply shake my head. He nods slowly. "I don't suppose Nigel is his real name, do you?"
I shrug. "Probably not."
"But you do have the address, correct?" He pulls out his pocket watch on a chain and checks the time as if wondering if he has time to go destroy a man before bed.
I shake my head and put a hand on his chest. "No, Will. You are not going to make another man disappear. One was bad enough."
Of course I want Nigel to suffer for what he did. After all this time and separation, he still manages to torture my mind. I still flinch occasionally when Will moves to hug or cuddle me. I wouldn't mind if Nigel met his demise, but I don't want it to be by Will's hand. This is a dark path that I don't want Will going down. If I let him do this, then who knows what else I'll be letting him do next. I'm his wife. I have a duty to protect him. Even if I have to protect him from himself.
Will blinks rapidly. "But...he...he..." There's a pause as confusion crosses his face. "Maybe I'm misunderstanding something. Please, do continue with your story, I didn't mean to interrupt."
I shake my head briefly, dismissing the apology. It takes me a moment to gather my nerve to continue and I take a deep breath. "I should probably back up and explain why I was going to this particular man's house. "
I meet Will's eyes and some unspoken truth passes from me to him although not a word was uttered. He swallows hard and fixes his posture against our headboard before readjusting his arms to encompass my small form. "I think I can guess why you were going there..."
I nod slowly as he glares fiercely off into the distance. I know this isn't jealousy. Other girls might have to worry about their husbands getting jealous over certain confessions, but I know there's only rage and vicious protectiveness in Will's heart right now.
"He was civil at first, so I thought it might not be so bad. But then...he changed. He got...hungry. Like an animal almost, desperate and predatory." I shudder, and Will starts rubbing the upper arm that isn't against his stomach. My eyes lose focus and I can feel myself slipping away thinking about what happened.
"No, love, let's not go to that place." He kisses the top of my head and gives me a squeeze. I nod absently and wring my hands together. Will tilts my chin up with a finger so my glazed eyes are on him. "Hey."
I start and shake my head to clear the cobwebs. "Uh...well, he did his...he did it..." I pause as shivers creep up my spine, and I feel his hands grabbing at me. "I'm sorry, it's just...it almost feels like he's still touching me, like he's here right now."
Will grits his teeth. "I could solve that problem right now. I've heard enough to know I'll be paying this less-than-gentle gentleman a visit. Would you like me to bring back his hands in a jar so you know where they are at all times?" I give Will a warning look. He holds up his hands, palms out and sighs. "Kidding."
I'd like to believe him. I really would, but the expression on his face tells me he'd do it in a heartbeat if I asked him to. I shake my head. "He just made me feel...less. Less than human. Less than worth anything. Even before that incident, I struggled with my worth. Growing up poor will do that to you, but so will parents who often forget your needs. It always seemed so easy for me to put Charlie and the rest of my family first, I just don't understand how they never thought to do the same." A fresh wave of tears chokes my voice. "And so I would fade everytime someone mentioned controlling me or made me feel less than human, less than worth anything."
"Oh, darling." Will turns my shoulders and lifts me up a bit so he can close his legs beneath me. Now I'm straddling his lap and playing with the buttons on his shirt while I choke on a sob. "You aren't human." I lean back and blink through bleary eyes. What did he just say? "And you aren't worth just anything." I gasp and fresh sobs escape as I move to climb off of Will. No, he wouldn't say that! I know Will, those words did not just come out of his mouth. He catches my left hand, tugging me back and places his other hand on my hip, gently pushing me back down on his lap. "You're an angel, and you're worth everything. You are my everything."
Will kisses the moonstone ring on my left hand and then the back of my hand. I relax and sink back down, letting him place another gentle kiss on my wrist. I blink tears out of my eyes as best as I can.
"You're my everything too," I manage to choke out. He presses my right hand to his chest, over his heart, so I can feel his steady heartbeat while he holds my left hand with his right. Then Will carefully places his left hand on my arm, cupping my elbow in his warm, soft hand as he turns my arm over.
His adoring eyes stay on mine as he traces a blazing path of heat up my arm with kisses, tugging me down so he can slide my shirt away from my shoulder and leave kisses on my collarbone and the hollow of my neck too. My eyelids start to droop, mentally exhausted from the confession and emotion that came with it. He doesn't continue the kisses to my mouth as I had thought he would. Instead, Will wraps his arms around me and holds me to his body in a protective and passionate gesture. I slide my legs down to lay comfortably and cuddle closer readily.
"Thank you for telling me, Dove," Will murmurs into my hair. "I know it was hard, but you don't have to worry anymore. You are worth more than all the people in this country combined. More than all the people in the world combined. More than...more than all the stars in every universe." I give a dulcet hum happily with my eyes closed, already falling asleep in his arms. "I love you, and I'll always be here for you. You needn't worry about anything from your past repeating itself. I'll put you first. I'll never take advantage of you. And I'll never leave you."
I honestly don't know if he said more. That was the last thing my sleepy mind comprehended and held on to. I'll never leave you. He's going to stay right here. He's not going to go confront Nigel. I think I got through to him, I don't think he'll ever make another person disappear. He's over it. And when I told Will about Nigel, I got over a bump in my life. He no longer controls me. I'm over it. I smile. And let my mind drift into the sweet nothing of sleep.
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The first thing I notice when I wake up is my complete and utter aloneness. Will is gone.
Sorry this chapter is so short and kinda sucks. I'm also sorry it took so long to write. I've been having a hard time focusing on much of anything lately and only managed a few sentences at a time on this one, it was kinda frustrating.
Thank you for reading and thank you all for 66k reads and 1.5k votes on the story!
xoxo, Tilly