A/N: There is literally no way we hit 3K reads!!!!! Thank you, truly!!
Harry's POV
I toss and turned all night. Sleeping without her felt weird, wrong even. I thought if I left the door open she'd come in later and we'd fall back into one another's arms, protected by the covers – but she didn't, she's got too much pride for that to happen. The sun should be up soon, and I haven't slept whatsoever. How does this happen, and how does this happen so often? Not even a full twenty-four hours ago she was in my arms as we lay in the field, kissing one another. Fuck, how I love kissing her. I've wronged her these past few weeks, never discussing what happened in New York but I think about it every day. Every single day. Her skin drives me wild but the person she is brings me home, shes my sweet creature. Her compassion for those around her makes me want to love harder. Her desire for perfection makes me want to better herself, but her understanding for times when things can't be perfect makes me realise it's okay to be... well it's okay to not be okay. I can't take this anymore. Not one bit. I need her in my arm's, and I need to show her how I feel, even if it scares me beyond belief.
I get out of bed and see the time; the sun will be up in half an hour. I move slowly to the loungeroom, careful not to wake the house up. I crouch beside her as she sleeps entangled in the different coloured blankets, her hair all over her face. I take my fingers and gently move it out of the way, and I see her in all her glory. No makeup, a little drool coming from her lip and her hands sprawled behind her head. She's beautiful.
"Hey..." I whisper as I give her a gentle nudge. She groans a little but flutters her eyes as she begins to wake up.
"Harry?" She says sleepily and my heart melts.
"Get up, I wanna show you something." I whisper as she rolls over and inhales deeply, her chest rising and falling.
"What time is it? It's still dark." She says as she fumbles to her feet, keeping a blanket wrapped around her.
"It's around six... come on." I whisper as I take her hand in mine and she follows me out to the porch. I close the door behind me and tighten my hoodie over my face from the cold wind. We walk down to the beach in the darkness and sit on the beach. She looks pretty tired; my mind convinces me she only fell asleep a little while ago. We sit together and she's careful around me, guarded even. I shuffle towards her and wrap my arm around her shoulders, her body tiny in comparison to mine.
"I'm sorry." I say to her as we sit on the sand in the darkness, the light soon surfacing to rise from the ocean.
"Harry it's okay, really." She says with a yawn.
"When I left in 2010, I had no clue of the complete and utter whirlwind I was in for. I didn't know that drive home after the audition would be the last. I didn't think saying goodbye would actually be a goodbye for almost three years. Tilly, you're my best friend." I say to her as we look out onto the ocean, neither one of us saying anything for a few moments. The sky errupts into orange hues and tangerine pastels as the sun begins to rise, illuminating the golden grass that sway around us.
"I think we both went through things that changed us Harry, you moreso than I." She says with a soft grin as she lifts her head from nestling on my shoulder and I nod.
"I want you to know that these past few weeks, Rome, Holmes Chapel and Amsterdamn have made me remember how good it feels to have you around.It's so familiar yet so new at the same time. I also want you to know that, well, um... New York and London were never mistakes. I think we just kind of um-"
"Kind of what?" She says softly and I watch as her body language becomes more closed in on itself.
"I think we kind of um..." I've lost my words. This was the moment I tell her and I've completely ruined it.
Idiot.
"Heat of the moment I guess..." She says and I watch her face drop down as she hugs her knees to her chest, resting her chin on top of them.
I hope to god that isn't what she really thinks... Is it?
I watch as she closes her eyes and bites down on her lip, not ready to talk.
"They weren't mistakes. Do you think they were mistakes?" I say and watch her face completely drop. She swallows hard and blinks away at tears.
"Not once." She says softly and gives me a weak smile.
I smile back at her but she's quick to look away back to the ocean. This morning i planned to tell her I love her, this morning I was going to live up to the person she wanted. But truth it, I turn into the shy sixteen year old who had the biggest crush on my best friend the moment she smiles.
"We chose some really stupid jobs, didn't we?" She says with a laughter and I watch a single tear roll down her cheek as she wipes it away with the sleeve of her hoodie and I chuckle back, shaking my head at the marvellous girl in front of me. The girl I'm afraid to love.
"No, we chose jobs that fulfil our hearts." I say pulling her into the side of me, wrapping my arms around her as she puts the blanket over us.
"That's true... but it also demands us to remove the people who fulfil our hearts." She responds and I feel my lips part, she means me.
"I know, baby." I say, not thinking as I let the word slip. She doesn't react, rather closes her eyes and furrows her brow as she rests her head on top of her knees.
We sit here as the sun comes up from the ocean, setting the dark abyss afire with its golden rays. The glow of the morning sun ignites my chest as I sit here with someone, I never knew I would fall in love with. The winds come to a slow as the sun rises and the feeling of emptiness begins to vanish, but I know once I step foot on the plane this afternoon the emptiness will consume me, and I'll miss her beyond understanding. I want nothing more than to pull her into an embrace and tell her how crazy in love with her I am, she stares into the sunset sleepily with a blank expression on her face, her nose slightly pink from the cold air, and in this moment it occurs to me that I would pay as much money as needed to know what's on her mind. All at once it hits me that we're back at square one, she sits a little away from me with her guard up and I'm afraid to tell her how I feel. I don't know when I'll be able to do this again. Be here with her in this moment, her bed hair falling over her shoulders, her soft sniffles and the complete feeling of happiness I am experiencing grow from my heart out, intoxicating every vein I have so i do the only thing I know what to do with her in moments like this, in New York, in Rome, at home and here, so I stand to my feet and offer my hand to her.
"Dance with me, Matilda Jackson." I say.
"Any day, time or place... Harold Styles." She says raising an eyebrow as I pull her to her feet and we collide into one another, her arms wrapped around my neck as I drop mine to her waist. We stand together, holding one another in the morning sun, the way two friends shouldn't hold each other. The weather is cold, but I feel golden.
Golden.
"Harry?" She whispers into my ear and I lose track of my thinking, her warm breath contrasting against my cold skin.
"Yes?" I say.
"What happens when we go our separate ways?"
"Tilly, as much as I want to, I can't promise you anything." I say and I feel a physical pain in my chest. She pushes her head into my chest, and I know she's concealing her emotions from me, this time I let her because if she lifts her head, she'll see the tears that escape my own eyes and we'll stand here slow dancing on the beach like two sappy old friends.
"I know... Melody probably wouldn't like it anyways." Her muffled voice says, and I feel my chest tighten at her words, her manager wouldn't like it? No. Not happening.
"Matilda, listen to me." I say as I pull her head away from my chest. My eyes meet with the glossy set of brown eyes that stare back into my own, signalling she's been crying. She's been crying hard.
"Don't ever, and I mean ever, let your manager tell you who you can and cannot love. Do you understand me?" I say to her sternly and her brow furrows.
"Harry I-"
"Promise me." I snap.
"I promise." She says and I pull her into a kiss, kissing her passionately because I know it's the last stolen kiss I can steal before we go back to pretending we are nothing more than friends and all the world knows is that we went to school together and weren't as close as we are. My hands travel to her cheeks and I feel her hands run under my hoodie, touching my sides and the contrast of her cold hands against my skin makes me shiver. We stand here, on this beach, in an embrace like no other, allowing ourselves to savour the kiss. We slowly break away from the kiss and press our foreheads together, the morning sun setting ablaze to the ocean in front of us.
"Harry, why would you do that?" She whispers and I wrap my arms around her body tighter.
"Because I wanted too." I say, the realisation of my intense love for my best friend taking the wind from my chest.
Tilly's POV
The rest of the morning went somewhat like this: Help clean up the house a little bit, pack away my belongings, ready for L.A., shower and clean myself up, all while pretending that this isn't goodbye. The drive to the airport went too fast and I felt myself growing tired from the lack of sleep I got last night. When we arrived in the airport, I couldn't handle it anymore, the men in suits and busy flight attendants walking around only made me realise that this was well and truly, goodbye.
"Tilly girl, you be safe and call as soon as you land." Anne says as she pulls me into a hug and kisses my cheek.
"Of course." I speak back, watching her walk over to Harry who looks miserable. I turn away, blinking at the tears forming in my eyes and see Dad sitting alone surrounded by his luggage and I let out a sigh as i plop myself down next to him, feeling the sadness radiating from him.
"Dad, are you okay?" I say as I watch his fingers twiddle around as he sit hunched over in his chair.
"I just can't believe it. We're saying goodbye again." He says as he exhales, and I sit up to rest my head on his shoulder.
"It isn't for good though Dad." I remind him, I try to be optimistic but right now the only thing I want is to fall into his arms and feel like a child again, but I'm not a child, and this is my life.
"I know... but another year will go by, your hair will be longer, you'll be older, and I would have missed another year of my kid growing up, who am I kidding, you're already grown up." He says and I close my eyes, shutting them tightly.
"Dad?" I say.
"I know, I know. I shouldn't be getting this upset-"
"Thank you, thank you for being the best damn Dad I could ask for." I say as I stand up and give him a hug goodbye.
"Flight 203 to Manchester is now boarding, flight 203 to Manchester is now boarding." The loudspeaker booms and I hug both Anne and Dad once more as they walk down the terminal, disappearing around the corner. Leaving Harry and I standing alone surrounded by men in business suits, tourists and people hurrying along.
"Does it ever get easier? Saying goodbye." I say to Harry as we stand looking at the corner.
"Never." He mumbles and I look up at him as he stands, beanie on his head and an expressionless face.
"Didn't think so." I say, letting out the breath I was holding, hoping at any moment Dad will run back around the corner and pull me into his bear hug and it won't feel like goodbye anymore.
"Flight 333 to Dublin is now boarding, flight 333 to Dublin airport is now boarding." The loudspeaker announces and Harry turns to me, dropping his bags to the ground and pulls me into a hug.
"I can't promise anything, but I can tell you this, a day will not go by I don't think about you." He says and I wrap my arms around his waist as if at any moment someone will come and rip us from one another, although we are being ripped a part, its just easier to pretend we aren't.
"This isn't goodbye remember?" I mumble into his chest, but he doesn't respond, instead he lowers his head into my neck and inhales deeply.
"I'm gonna make this easier on both of us, yeah?" He says as he pulls me into him, any tighter and I'll break but I feel completely safe.
"What do you mean?" I say as I open my eyes.
"On three, I'm going to let you go."
I feel my heartbreak quicken and I begin to panic.
"What?"
"This isn't goodbye... One."
The sound of the airport is drowned out by his voice as he whispers in my ear.
"Harry I won't be able to do this, don't do this."
I feel myself begin to form tears as I lose control of my breathing, holding onto him tighter.
"You're stronger than what you think, you need to let go... Two."
My fingers tighten around his waist as his loosens.
"Fuck please don't do this, I'm begging you H-"
"I'll see you around baby... Three."
*Play song now: Dream a Little Dream of Me – Louis & Ella*
And with that he let me go, picked up his bags and walked off around the corner. Not turning around to wave goodbye. So, I stand here, alone in the airport terminal, bags at my feet with tears forming in my eyes and I don't bother to wipe away at them. The sound of the airport begins to surface again, and I inhale sharply, breathing deeply out, not taking my eyes away from the corner Harry just disappeared from.
"I'll tell the stars about you." I whisper under my breath.
"Flight 205 to LAX is now boarding. Flight 205 to LAX is now boarding." The loudspeaker announces.
******
"Miss Tilly! How are you? It's been a while." the familiar cheerful voice of Chris Green says as he walks up to me to take my bags. I smile at him and wipe my eyes slightly; I notice his mood drops as he takes my bags and looks at my puffy face. I spent half the flight over crying into my hoodie.
"I'm fine thank you, Chris. It's good to see you again." I say as I walk past him straight to the car, past barricades of men holding back paparazzi who shout my name, flashes irritating my eyes. I step into the door as Chris holds it open, security watching the car and protecting me from the men in black tee shirts who crave photos of me, I can't let them see my red eyes because the media will have a frenzy with it so I pull my hoodie over my face.
"Are you okay back there?" Chris asks and I nod at him under my hoodie while I look out the window, watching L.A. bypass me, I haven't been back here in a few months but I know I'll be here for a long while, the World Tour for 'Foxtrot' is in two weeks... I should probably check my emails about details for fittings.
He drops me off to my apartment building and two security members help me carry my things to my apartment, the elevator ride quiet. I open the door and the darkness consumes me. I look around at the empty apartment and close my eyes, wishing to hear Dads laughter or Gemma and Harry playfully arguing or Anne telling everyone about the new book she's reading... But I don't hear them, and I won't for a while, so I open my eyes and get on with my life. I don't bother turning on a light rather I leave my bags at the door and go to my room and lay on the bed, throwing the covers over me as I look onto the glowing city lights. I exhale and close my eyes but as I do the room lights up from my phone glowing on the bed side table.
11:58pm:
James: How was your flight?
I put the phone down gently and roll over away from it, looking at the ceiling. Being home alone has always been hard, especially when you feel so small in such a big city. I've got everything I've ever wanted and if Mum we're here she'd tell me how proud she is of how far I've come. I'm twenty-three and I'm in the city of my dreams, I have the recognition I've worked hard for, I have movies booked for the next two years of my life. Everything has been fulfilled. Everything I've ever wanted, lay neatly in front of me on a silver platter.
So why do I feel empty?
A/N: Annnnnnnnd we're back at square one :((
Let me know what you think will happen from here on out and once again, thank you for 3,000!!!!!!!!!