~Two and a half weeks till Christmas!!~
Katniss's P.O.V.
I rubbed the sleepiness out of my eyes and poked myself in the arm to try and remain awake, but it was no use. I was so close to completing my project, and then I would be done, done with school until the new year. I was assigned an essay about microbiology, and a visual representation comparing unicellular organisms and acellular ones.
But it was also three in the morning and I was too exhausted to even think.
You're so close, I told myself firmly. You can do it.
So it was with a final burst of energy that I completed the finishing touches on the extremely elaborate and complicated diagram that I had spent severAl painstAking hours creating.
And half an hour later, it was finished! I was finished!
I was too tired to even save my essay and close the computer to submit it, so I plopped down on my bed next to Peeta and fell asleep instantly.
~A Few Hours Later~
"Katniss," a voice said, from far away. "Time to get up. It's past lunchtime!"
"Urghhhh," I groaned. "I don't wanna get up..."
"Kaaaatnisssss," the voice calls again. "Your appointment is in half an hour and you need to get ready!"
My appointment?
My appointment!
That's right, I was getting my first pregnancy checkup today! I crawled out of bed with a new burst of energy, and threw on some actual clothes. After making sure my hair didn't look too awful, I walked out of my room and into the kitchen, where Prim and Annie were eating bagels.
"You're finally awake!" Prim said cheerfully. "Peeta told us to remind you that you have an appointment at Noon. He's out shopping now."
"Right," I said, feeling rather rushed by the lack of time. I grabbed a bagel from the bag, and shoved it into my mouth, not Bothering to toast it or even put on cream cheese.
"All right, I've got to go now," I told my sisters, giving them each a gentle squeeze before dashing out the door. I started my car four times before it chugged to life and with that, I was off.
Excited but nervous thoughts flooded my mind, and I wished Peeta was here with me. Then I reminded myself that I was capable of doing anything by myself. Not trying to brag or anything but I did raise two little girls by myself, paid for the bills by myself, and even bought a car and apartment by myself.
So going to the doctor alone would be just fine.
At last, I parked outside and beaded into the waiting room where I fiddled with my fingers nervously.
"Katniss Everdeen?" a voice said. A nurse poked her head through the door and smiled at me. "Come on in," she said.
I followed her down a long hallway until I reached the appointment room. "Come on in," the nurse said. I sat down in one of the hospital beds and let the checkup begin.
Overall, it went quite smoothly. I had to get my blood drawn, but I didn't really mind the pain. Small things like those had less and less effect on me the older I got. After getting the blood test, all I had to do was fill it a brief questionnaire, and then I was finished!
"Remember to eat healthy, avoid alcoholic beverages, and don't over-stress yourself," the doctor told me. "Pregnancy is not as hard as people make it out to be, as long as you take care of yourself."
I thanked the kind doctor and walked out of the office, feeling much better about the whole ordeal. I had a loving, supporting family, friends, and a great doctor. And Peeta, who I could of course, not do this without.
So it was with a smile on my face that I kicked the car to life and drove home. A feeling of elation spread throughout my body and for once, I thought maybe, just maybe everything would turn out okay. My project was completed and turned in, I was healthy, and Christmas was approaching! For the first time in a very long while, I had a break.
Now all I had to do was take the visual representation into the building for submission, and then it would be officially done.
I parked the car and unlocked the door with a smile on my face. "Prim! Annie! Peeta! Finnick! I'm hooooome!"
"Welcome home!" Peeta said, wrapping his arms around me and holding tight. "How was everything?"
"It all went really well," I told him, smiling. "I'm healthy and they think it'll all be good. It's too soon to tell anything important yet, but I should go back for regular checkups."
"That's great!" he said. "Do you want some lunch? We just made sandwiches."
"That would be great," I replied, thanking him. "Could you make it to-go? I need to head over to campus and turn in the visual part of the project."
"Sure!" Peeta said. "Ham and cheese?"
"You got it," I said, grinning. "Where is everyone?"
"Oh, Annie and Finn went out for lunch and Prim is in the living room, watching TV, I think."
"Thanks," I said. "All right, I'm gonna grab it from my room and then I'll head out."
As I passed through the hallway, I realized that Roody was nowhere to be seen. He was usually running around, but this time, he was gone. And my door was slightly ajar. I frowned, because I could have sworn that I closed it when I left.
I opened my door and my heart stopped.
My project, the one that I had spent hours on, carefully perfecting it into the deepest hours of the night, lay in ruins on the floor. It was shredded.
Basically, it was beyond repair.
And there was nothing that I could do about it.
I looked around the room in horror, and that's when my eyes landed on Roody, who was licking small bits of green paper from my project off his paws. Once he saw me, he perked up and dashed over, licking my face and neck.
He must have been playing around in my room and knocked it over.
That's when I remembered. I was so tired and groggy last night that I completely forgot about putting the project up in a secure place. It must have easily gotten bumped, Roody thought it was a toy, and "played" with it.
But then, if I hadn't packed up the visual...
...then I certainly hadn't saved the essay to my drive.
Heart thumping, I opened my computer with trembling fingers and opened my Recently Opened files.
It was empty.
Which meant that my essay was gone.
Everything was gone.
I sank to my knees and fought back the wail of despair that was desperately trying to escape. It's okay, I told myself firmly. Talk to the professor and explain. I'm sure everything will be okay.
I stood up and ran down the hallway, brushing aside the tears that had managed to escape. Peeta stopped mid-slice when he saw my desperation.
"Peeta," I told him, voice shaking. "My project is gone. I need to go talk to the professor right now, okay? I'll be back in twenty minutes."
"Your project what?!" he said incredulously. But I was already gone and out the door.
"Wait!" a voice cried. "Katniss, I need my outfit for the dance recital on Saturday!"
"What?!"
"I need to come with you and get an outfit," Prim said breathlessly.
I looked at her desperate expression and caved in."Fine, but hurry," I told her. "I need to do something first."
I drove as fast as I could without breaking the law to the college, where I told Prim to wait in the car while I "sorted some things out."
Thankfully, they let me in and I ran down the empty hallways until I wound up next to my professor's door. I knocked sharply and tried to calm down.
"Come in," a voice said. I threw open the door and hastily explained my situation, and how it was my dog who knocked it down and my essay was lost in a file.
"So," the professor said in a dry voice, dripping with sarcasm. "Your dog ate the visual and the essay somehow deleted itself?"
"Please, I know it sounds crazy but I swear it's true," I said frantically. "Please, will you give me an extension?"
"Hmm. I'm sorry, Katniss, but I don't want to spend my entire break grading late essays. You still have another two days to complete it. You should be fine, since you have the main ideas down already."
"Please please, just one more week," I pleaded.
"Katniss, I'm sorry," he said, his voice rising. His cheeks grew red and his veins bulge from his neck like he was ready to attack. "Just be grateful you have two more days."
My heart rate increased again. My tongue grew dry and I felt somehow like I was overreacting. But the stress and anxiety had gotten to me and the rest of me said I wasn't reacting dramatically enough.
"Sir-"
"Thank you, Katniss. I look forward to seeing you when you bring in your completed project." My heart dropped again.
Just when things were looking better, they all went downhill again. I nodded and turned to the door without saying another word.
"Oh, and Katniss?" I whipped my head around, careful to not get my hopes up but failing.
"Yes, sir?"
"Remind your dog to not eat your homework next time." He laughed to himself at his attempt at a joke and waved his hand for me to go.
I flashed an ugly, toothy grin at him, but I couldn't seem to put enough sarcasm onto my facial features to explain my emotions.
The door snapped closed behind me and I took my sweet time in getting downstairs while I collected my thoughts.
The meeting with my professor couldn't have gone worse. I desperately wanted to run, find Haymitch and run away on a horse. Get him to help me with my archery again. Maybe borrow a cigarette or a bottle.
Those last two things shouldn't even be an option for me anymore, but just like the woods they all helped relieve my stress. Maybe a small glass of wine wouldn't do any harm, it would relieve my dry tongue.
"Any luck?" Prim asked when I reached the car.
"What do you think?" I replied, a little too harshly, as I forced the key into the ignition.
"Sorry," she mumbled. The car was silent for an endless amount of moments until she spoke up. "If you need any help I can help you."
I wanted to get angry for some reason, but she sounded too helpless and innocent and I knew I'd regret anything I said to her. I usually do.
A gurgling roared in my stomach, and I instinctively put a hand there, already protective over whatever Peeta and I had created. I was not ready for this type of thing, but at the same time I had never been more ready for anything in my life.
"I'm sorry," I said finally. I looked at Prim and she gripped my right wrist, my left hand in control of the steering wheel.
She didn't respond, just smiled, and thankfully it wasn't an awkward silence that filled the car. And it was a relief that the concert hall wasn't far away, because silence filled my lungs with unhealthy air that clogged my throat.
It was a relief when we stepped out of the car and into the whistling wind. A reassuring coolness. But when we stepped into the store, I was overcome with that ugly feeling of being in a room full of too much pink.
Prim pointed us in the direction of a specific rack, lined with identical dresses but in different sizes. "This is the dress my teacher says I need."
"Make it quick," I said as she made her way down the aisle. I set my hands in my pocket, leaned against the rack, and closed my eyes. The events of the last few days rolled across my blurry line of vision.
Only one thought clearly formed in my head.
Life sucks.
"Katniss! I think I found the right size." I made my way toward my sister and she held out a black and pink dress. It actually was really pretty, and when I pictured it on Prim, it looked even better.
"Your teacher has good taste," I said as I took the dress from her outstretched hand. I examined it and pressed it up against her body. "Looks like the right size." I pulled it away and wrapped it around my arm.
"Oh look, it's Bella," Prim said suddenly, pointing towards the entrance to the store. Her voice sounded excited, like she was about to greet her best friend, but also terrified like it was her worst enemy.
I swallowed a lump in my throat. "Who?" I asked.
"Someone from dance," Prim said as she casually walked down the aisle.
"Not someone." I got nervous and stressed all over again. "She's the girl you don't like, right?"
"I mean, she's ok, but she was only ever nice to me when you were dating-"
"Shush." I grabbed her arm and pulled her the other way, to the back of the store, away from Cato and his monster sister. She looked innocent, but Cato seemed to have skipped that trait. In all the other ways, they were similar.
Bella very much so resembled Cato- blonde hair, sturdy form, blue eyes. Cato had a permanent scowl on his face, and was always drunk in some way. His sister looked like she would be your best friend until she decided to kill you.
"It's time to go," I said. As Cato and his sister made their way toward us, I guided Prim in the opposite direction. It seemed that they hadn't spotted us yet.
I was ducking so low I was basically crawling, and when we found ourselves at the checkout, Cato and Bella were at the exact spot we were when we first spotted them.
The dress was paid for and we were at the door before I had the ability to suck in another breath. "What was that all about? I mean I know you can't stand Cato, but like...." She didn't finish.
"Remember that time I brought Peeta home bloody and bruised?" She nodded like the statement was nothing. "That was Cato."
"That was Cato?"
"You're surprised?"
"No. It just seems like he would beat you up and not him." Moments of silence followed and the anxiety of the moment seemed to boil my blood.
"Are you alright?" My sister asked. I hadn't realized that I was digging my fingernails into my wrist.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I said slowly, releasing my wrist and swallowing a big breath. "Let's go home." In the rush of the moment, like usual, I remembered my project, my crazy future, and I began to panic again.
I gripped my shirt tighter and hoped that things would get better.
Boy was I wrong. I'm really good at jinxing everything to the point of destruction.
"Ahhh." I cursed under my breath. After our attempts to get away from him, he was here, standing in front of me, his breath smelling of two bottles too many.
"What do you want," I sneered, not looking up from the ground. The last thing I wanted was a look at his cold, dead eyes.
"A little chit-chat outside," he said in his low, menacing voice. Without waiting for my consent, he grabbed my arm and yanked me outside, at the back of the store. He was a foot away from me, and I could feel the anger and heat radiating from his chest.
"So you have a new boyfriend now, huh?" he sneered, spit flying from his mouth. "You dirty cheating slut. We never even ended. You decided to leave me for some blonde idiot."
I ignored his complaining and instead tried to think of a way to escape. If only I had my bow now, I could land an arrow in his chest, I thought to myself.
"But today I'm gonna teach you to never cheat on me again." He laughed a terrible, merciless laugh before cracking his knuckles and advancing in me.
"You don't even know what happened," I hissed. "You were too caught up in your own world, your own struggles to notice that I hated you. You only used me. You never really, truly loved me. I've found someone who does give a fuck, someone who loves and cares for me. So sorry to upset you, but we're serious now. And you're never gonna take him away from me. I was a big slut, but I'm not anymore. There will always be a part of me that is sloppy and dirty, but I like that, just like all the other parts of myself. I can forgive. Can you say the same for yourself, fucker? Can you forgive? Are you capable of that?"
For a moment, he was silent. He simply stared at me, as though trying to solve a complex math problem in his head. Then, out of the blue, a stinging slap landed on my face, echoing in the dark alley. I gasped and reached my hand upward to assess the damage. No blood, but-
Slam. Cato shoved me against the wall and held on to my throat so hard, I thought I'd choke.
"Of course you loved me," he growled, winding back for another punch. "You adored me. But then Mister Sunshine came by and you left me in the dust. This will teach you to never leave me again."
With that, he directed a punch towards my head at top speed. But I was smarter than he was, and dodged it in the nick of time. Instead of landing on my face, his fist crashed into the brick wall with a loud crunch. He quickly withdrew his hand and scowled at me, with anger that I've never seen before.
But this time, he planned ahead. He pinned me by the neck and held tight, so that my toes were dangling an inch off the ground. And this time, he did not miss. Nor the time after that, or after that. Punch after punch landed on my sore, bruised, and now bleeding body. Bolt after bolt of excruciating pain shot up my body as he slammed his thick, iron-hard fists into my stomach. I gasped in pain but did not dare cry for help.
Please help me, I pleaded, praying to every god that I knew. Please send someone, anyone, to come help me.
The gods did not respond.
Once Cato was done punching, he shoved me to the alley ground. I felt a sharp shard of broken glass dig into my left elbow, but I screwed my eyes shut.
I was helpless, bloody, and damaged beyond repair.
But Cato was not done yet. I saw it coming before he even raised his leg, because there was nothing to stop the incoming kick, directed right at my stomach.
My vision started to blur, but my mother's instincts were already kicking in.
"NO!" I shrieked, throwing my arms in front of my lower stomach, trying to put up a useless shield.
"Why ever not?" he sneered.
"Please," I whispered raggedly. "I'm pregnant."
By this point, the world was spinning at light speed, so I couldn't really read his facial expression.
And then I felt the kick land directly on my lower stomach.
I was half-conscious, but awake enough to feel the odd sensation of draining, a bizarre gurgle, and then a horrible blast of pain.
I heard footsteps crunching, their sound diminishing.
Once I assumed it was safe, I took a deep, shaky breath and sat up. Immediately, the world started spinning, but I blinked away the dizziness and stumbled to the bathroom, where I sank down on the toilet seat and tried not to burst into heart wrenching sobs. Instead, I grabbed a roll of toilet paper and started to smear the blood off my face. I winced as the stinging intensified with the combination of soap and water, but I couldn't risk getting an infection.
I sighed and looked in the mirror. I looked horrible. Uglier than usual, which is pretty bad. Bruises and cuts covered my face. It was no big deal, I kept reminding myself. I deserved this anyway.
I walked out of the bathroom, keeping my face hidden by the winter scarf and drove Prim home. The car ride was silent.
We got back home, where I went directly into my room and locked the door.
I wanted silence.
Peace.
Solitude.
I wanted to be gone.
And I realized that I could never have those things, as long as I stayed here. Here in this room, in this house, in this world. There were so many mistakes that I made, too many mistakes that I made.
I just wanted to start over. I wanted to be innocent and young and not carry the weight of adulthood, parenting, work, school, responsibility, and so much more.
For my entire life, I had to carry so many burdens. There was always so much stress and pressure and mistakes and I didn't even fucking learn from them. And that's the whole point of making mistakes in the first place! I was trapped in an endless, inescapable cycle.
So here I was, laying on my bed, eyes closed, arm bleeding, mind wandering, and heart throbbing.
I just wanted out. A fresh start. A new life.
Yeah, right. That's never going to happen. Who am I fooling by simply wishing to start over? I can't just dream, I need to do it.
But I don't have the willpower or strength to. I never will.
So for now, I will remain on this bed, eyes closed, arm bleeding, mind wandering, and heart throbbing.
*****
Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
Tock.
The wooden clock on my dresser keeps ticking away, counting down the time that I have left to live.
What a morbid way to think! But it's true. I've made up my mind. I'm done with this world. Cato showed me everything that was wrong with me, and at the same time, helped me see my only way out.
A fresh start. New beginnings. The sweet smell of growing grass, freshly mowed on a warm spring day.
I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. I only had one goal, one ambition in mind.
Every ending is a new beginning.
And since it all will end soon, why not just live a little? I sat up and grabbed a pack of cigarettes from my dresser drawer, because I like them, and also who gives a shit about lung cancer anyway? For good measure, I also grabbed a bottle of Bacardi from the kitchen and walked back to my room. I opened the window because I always loved the smell of fresh air. especially at night. Especially when it's three in the morning. There's something exciting, fresh, and yet calm about it all.
I watched snowflakes flutter down from the sky, landing in large mounds on the sidewalk below.
Sometimes, the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
I tore open the box of cigarettes with my bruised, bloodied fingers and pulled one out. I lit it, and took a long drag. I inhaled the smoke, and then exhaled. Inhaled, and exhaled. Inhaled, then exhaled.
My phone buzzed and chirped countless times, but I ignored it.
Once I polished off half of the box and my lungs were surely rotting and hard, I grabbed the bottle of Bacardi. The first swig offered immediate relief.
It was painful to keep going, if I'm being honest, but it was a good pain. Not like the pain of the sure scars on my face. The pain of living.
I had been told by the doctor to avoid these things. But what's the point if I'm not leaving this room again? Take advantage of my sorrow and I won't regret it. At least I thought I wouldn't.
I definitely drank too much. In my situation, any was too much, but I completely wasted myself. And shit- it felt good.
It felt good to be gone, absent from the world that had done nothing but taunt me my entire life. Sure, there had been some bright, happy people in it, but in the grand scheme of things, it didn't really matter. I was going to leave this planet. And yes, my family would be sad, but yes, they would get over it.
Nobody needs me.
I took another swig of Bacardi to wash down the feeling of yet utter hopelessness and despair.
I started to feel shaky, but ignored the obvious warning sign that something was wrong. Instead, I remained intentionally oblivious to my pain and chugged the rest of the bottle.
Of course by that time, I had done more than enough damage to myself but a part of me whispered, keep going. Then everything will end.
So after finishing the remaining cigarettes, I tossed the package on the floor and took seven of those pills that make you sleepy. Even though you were only supposed to take two every day. Even though I was already tired as fuck.
And as soon as my head hit the pillow, the ground stopped spinning and the world slowly turned black.