Jack looked up from the game at Alex with a little smile, "how was your bath?" He asked.
Alex shrugged, "way too hot, but it felt good." He answered quietly. He looked up at the TV, trying to avoid conversation about himself. It dawned on him that Jack had told him earlier today that he was proud of the fact that he hadn't sliced his skin open today. Guess Jack wasn't going to be proud anymore. "How's your game?" He deflected, acting calm and cool.
Jack looked at the TV, "The same as every other Call of Duty game. It's alright, but I'm glad you're back. You wanna play anything?"
Alex shook his head but moved over to his desk and sat down in the gaming chair, "Maybe Undertale." He gestured to his iMac on his desk. Jack looked at it, barely even noticing it before. "Undertale is fun, I've only ever seen gameplay videos but it looks funny." He looked around the room again and noticed Alex's Macbook Pro next to his keyboard, with a pair of pretty decent, pro looking headphones. It seemed there was a lot in Alex's room that he'd never even noticed before. He'd ask about everything later.
"Do you record songs on your mac?" He asked, looking at the setup.
Alex looked over and nodded, "Yeah I do, sometimes." He blushed again. Great. More songs.
Jack smiled, "I liked your song last night. Any more you want to show me?" He looked pretty hopeful. Alex's song really did make his heart swell.
Alex smiled a little at the hopeful look on Jack's face. "They're all pretty dark. I guess I've got a couple that aren't so bad." He shrugged. "Let me guess, you wanna hear one?" He asked.
Jack nodded, "Of course I do." He turned off the Playstation, but this time instead of settling on the end of Alex's bed, he got closer to him, "Which seat is mine?" He asked.
Alex smirked a tiny bit and got up from his gaming chair, "That one." He pointed at it, watching Jack sit down in it. From there, Alex grabbed the stool he'd sat on when he'd played the keyboard for Jack just the night before. This time though, he picked up his acoustic. He put the strap over his shoulder, adjusted the guitar on his leg so it was comfortable, grabbed his pick from the little box behind him that sat next to his Macbook. He put the pick in between his lips, then stared down at the tuners. He was good at tuning by ear, so that's exactly what he did. Jack watched, pretty amazed at how handsome and beautiful this boy was. The guitar in his lap was a pretty sexy look on him, the pick between his lips. Jack probably could've lost his mind there if he wanted to. He shook his thoughts away from that. It was funny to him how this boy at one moment could be on the verge of a complete breakdown, to smiling and playing his guitar. Of course, Jack hadn't realized the release that Alex had given himself in the bathroom, but did it matter much either? Of course it did, but Jack wasn't Alex's therapist. Jack couldn't force him to do things that would make him feel worse. So for now, he just watched.
Alex finished tuning his guitar to the key he needed and grabbed the pick out of his mouth. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and just did it.
"Caught in a cold sweat stuck splitting hairs
I'm drinking too much
I'm on my way to striking out
Go to sleep with the pressure of everyone
watching, waiting, they're yours for the taking
But I still have my doubts
Before you ask which way to go
Remember where you've been
Stay awake, get a grip and get out
You're safe from the weight of the world
Just take a second to set things straight
I'll be fine even though I'm not always right
I can count on the sun to shine
Dedication takes a lifetime
But dreams only last for a night
Figure it out boy, you're trippin'
So pull yourself together
Or you'll wash up like the rest
This ship is sinking, I'm thinking I'm done for
I watch as the sails disappear underwater
'Cause I'm no captain yet
I said "before you ask which way to go
remember where you've been"
Stay awake, get a grip and get out
You're safe from the weight of the world
Just take a second to set things straight
I'll be fine, even though I'm not always right
I can count on the sun to shine
Dedication takes a lifetime
But dreams only last for a night
Believe you me, I'll give them everything
I'd tell them anything to show them everything
Believe you me, I'll give them everything
I'd tell them anything to tell them to show them everything
'Cause you ain't the only ones who wanna live it up
You ain't the only ones
You ain't the only ones who wanna live it up
You ain't the only ones
You ain't the only ones who wanna live it up
You ain't the only ones
You ain't the only ones who wanna live it up
You ain't the only ones
Stay awake, get a grip and get out
You're safe from the weight of the world
Just take a second to set things straight
I'll be fine, even though I'm not always right
I can count on the sun to shine
Dedication takes a lifetime
But dreams only last for a night"
He looked up at Jack. Jack was smiling of course.
"How do you come up with this stuff? What's this one about? I could tell what the song you played for me last night was about, but this one's got me really intrigued."
Alex shrugged a little and put his guitar down, putting his pick back in it's box, among all the other picks.
"I guess it's about me talking to myself, trying to hype myself up a little so I don't feel so weird and out of place all the time, and of course, drinking too much, and telling myself to get a grip and that I'm safe." He sighed a little, thinking, "The go to sleep with the whole watching and waiting, they're yours for the taking is kind of about my fact that I can lie to everyone and say that I'm okay and they believe me, despite the fact that they should probably know better. They're mine for the taking. But as I said in the song, I still have my doubts. About literally everything. The stay awake part is me trying to not physically stay awake, but mentally. The dedication takes a lifetime part is about me not losing the battle. The before you ask which way to go, remember where you've been part is about me trying to keep myself grounded. I could be in a much worse place now than I was then. The figure it out part is about me trying to find some semblance of a way to sort my head out. I feel like I'm sinking and can do nothing but watch, I'm no captain yet, so I'm not going down with my ship." He looked down, his knees were nervously bouncing up and down, he hoped that last sentence made sense, "The whole I'll be fine, even though I'm not always right part is maybe me trying to tell myself that I'll be okay eventually, but then again, maybe not, because I'm not always right... Uhm..." he sorted through the lyrics in his head, "I guess the I'll give them everything, I'd tell them anything to show them everything part is that I put a good front up when I need to. I'll tell anyone anything to give them what they want, to be accepted somehow. The you ain't the only ones who wanna live it up is the part towards my ex friends, kinda. They were really selfish to ditch me like I was suddenly some pariah because first, I didn't want to do stupid shit and pretend to flirt with girls, and then when I got outed, they turned on me completely. I just wanted to have fun too. I wanted to live it up like they clearly were. And of course, the whole I can count on the sun to shine thing is just me at least having comfort in the fact that one thing is always sure. There's always a new day." He finished his explanation with a sigh and looked up at Jack. At least this song wasn't one of his more fucked up ones.
Jack nodded, taking it all in, "It's a really great song Alex, all of the lyrics make sense to me now that you explained them. I like it a lot." He gave Alex a small reassuring smile.
Maybe one day he'd let Jack watch as he composed a new song. He had a lot, but he wanted to write more. He always wanted to write more.
"It's almost six." Alex pointed out. "You staying for dinner or do you have to go?" He asked.
Jack looked at his phone, his mom had messaged him that his sister was at their place and that he needed to get home for some family time.
"My mom answered that question for you. I guess my sister is here and I need to go spend some family time." He looked a bit disappointed, but he'd known that he'd have to leave eventually.
Alex nodded, "I'll take you." He got up and pulled on his shoes, then a hoodie he'd left on the floor days ago. He didn't care to dress nicely. He was already in pajamas and didn't plan on getting out of them. He did look down and notice some blood on his pants. He sighed.
Jack looked and frowned a little, "In the tub?" He asked.
Alex nodded, "Yep." He muttered, "Let's just go." He walked downstairs without another word.
Jack grabbed his bag and his old clothes, pulling his shoes on awkwardly as he did. He followed Alex downstairs, "You don't have to let your pants get ruined. I'm not in any big hurry."
Alex grabbed his keys, "Doesn't matter, they're bloodstained now anyway. I'll try to bleach the white part. It's fine." He unlocked the front door, then unlocked his car. When Jack was outside, he locked the front door again, then got into the driver's seat.
Jack slid in the passenger seat, "Are you good to even drive?" He asked carefully.
Alex nodded, "I slept for six hours, didn't I?" He turned the key and backed out of the driveway. "Address?" He asked.
To his surprise, Jack didn't live far. The drive was faster than he'd hoped for. He wasn't entirely sure that he wanted Jack to leave.
Once they pulled up to his house, Alex just looked at Jack, not expecting much, but Jack leaned in and pressed a kiss to Alex's lips. It was soft, not a goodbye kiss, but more of a 'see you later' type kiss. Alex damn near felt his heart drop. His breath hitched. Once again, he could barely control himself around this boy. Jack got out of the car, but leaned in to talk to Alex for another minute, "See you tomorrow? It is Saturday you know. We could go do something instead of being cooped up." He smiled.
Alex nodded, "Sure." He smiled back. Jack shut the car door and headed inside his house.
Alex turned around and went right back home.
Once Alex got home, his mom and dad were already there waiting.
He hung his keys up and took his shoes off, tossing his wallet on the counter as he passed by the kitchen.
"Dinner's going to be ready soon." Isobel said softly.
Alex shook his head, "I'm not hungry mom. It's a good thing my car didn't start this morning. Pretty soon after, I felt really sick so I threw up a little. Jack helped me out. I just want to go to bed, if that's okay." He looked convincing. While it was entirely true that he did throw up, he just simply wasn't hungry. At all. He missed Jack already. The ray of sunshine the boy brought to him was gone now, and his room would be lonely again.
Isobel looked at Peter, but then at Alex and just nodded, "I can bring you some chicken soup in a little bit if you want. It's not much, but I want you to eat something and have some water in your system." She smiled sweetly, like a mom would. She looked at his pants, "Your legs are bleeding." She pointed out.
Alex shrugged, "So they are." He mumbled and went upstairs, locking the door behind him.
Isobel followed him up, she didn't bother trying to open his locked door, "I need you to be honest with me. Are you cutting again?" She asked.
Alex rolled his eyes as he sat on his bed, "Have I ever stopped?" He answered her question with a question.
Isobel stood silent for a minute, "I thought the Prozac was helping."
"It was, and still is. I'm not trying to off myself, am I?" He asked sarcastically.
"Don't be sarcastic with me, Alexander. Why are you hurting yourself? Better yet, why haven't you told me sooner?" She sounded upset.
Alex didn't have it in him to comfort her right now, despite the fact that he felt like he could throw up again over making his mom upset.
"Alex? Answer me please." She said quietly from outside the door. It sounded like she was struggling to keep her voice straight. Alex had once again, made his mom cry.
"I'm going to tell my therapist next week. I promised both you and Jack. He's a good friend, mom. He helped me a lot today. I'll be fine." Boy, he uttered those words a lot. He'll be fine.
'Yeah right.' His mental monster said in a dark, sarcastic tone.
'Shut the fuck up' He thought back to his demon. That's what he called it at least, or thought of it as. It sounded better than just saying 'Hey, I hear voices in my head that often tell me to go kill myself! Nice to meet you, I'm Alex with an alternate personality that likes to see myself in pain. Let's be friends.' See, that would never work. That's why people went running from him. He was a freak.
Isobel sighed, "Unlock your door by eight at least. I'm bringing you soup. You're going to eat something."
Alex heard her walk back downstairs.
He got his phone and texted Jack.
Alex: I miss you. My mom saw the blood. I'm really scared, Jack.
Jack: Don't be. You said you'd talk to your therapist next week. I miss you too. You've gotta save me from my sister. She's over here talking about all of these cute guys. Plus, she apparently saw me kiss you.
Alex: Is that bad?
He'd actively avoided the comment about telling his therapist. Telling his therapist about the cutting wasn't going to happen. About the breakdown, maybe, but he usually talked with the therapist about that and pretended to feel better. Maybe upped the dose of his Prozac a little.
Jack: No, not really. She didn't say anything. I guess I don't care if she does though.
Alex: Why do you suddenly not care?
Jack: If I can't be honest with you, then I can't be with you at all. I'm not going to hide you or the feelings that I have for you away in my metaphorical closet. You're not something to be ashamed of. You're someone who makes me happy. That's all that matters.
Alex closed his eyes after he read the message. Jack was going to come out for him? What had he done to the beautiful boy? He should've never sat down with Jack at lunch the other day.
Alex: Don't do anything you'll regret. If you're not ready, don't do it for my sake. I'm fine hiding away at school and around your friends and family. I can just be your friend in public if that's what you need.
Jack: You know, in a matter of a couple days, you turned out to be my best friend, my first kiss, and my first, somewhat awkward but amazing sexual whatever that was. I'm not hiding away from you. I need to come out anyway. I'm done being scared of myself.
Alex: Okay.
Alex put his phone down, keeping his last reply short for Jack so that he could spend time with his family. He wondered how his coming out would go. Would he wait and come out at school first? Would he tell his parents first? Would people treat him like a pariah as he was previously treated? Seriously. What had he done to this boy?
Alex's phone vibrated again. He picked it up.
Jack: That was easy. My mom said okay. My dad said whatever made me happy. My sister mocked me for kissing a boy all secretive in front of the house.
Alex smiled a little.
Alex: Having good parents is always good. I'm glad they took it well. Did you tell them about me?
Jack: Yes and no. I told them how I made friends with you, and we both really like each other, and of course the fact that we'd kissed. I left the rest out.
Alex: Good idea.
The conversation ended there for a while. Alex looked down at his pants. The blood stains weren't big. He didn't see what the problem was. The stains would be easy to remove if he started now. So that's exactly what he did, walking around his room in just his underwear after he'd washed the blood off in his bathroom sink. The stain was still there of course. He examined the cuts. They were officially done bleeding now. He pulled a pair of shorts on. They were long enough to cover his mangled thighs. He took his pants downstairs and into the garage where the washer and dryer were. He cleaned them up with dabbing some bleach on the white spots, then tossing them in the washer. He didn't give a shit that he was literally only washing one thing. His mom would, but he didn't care.
He went back inside, "I shattered the mirror in my bathroom today." He mentioned casually, his voice still a monotone.
Peter raised an eyebrow. Isobel had told him what happened. "Why?" He asked.
Alex rolled his eyes, "I took a shower. I blow dried my hair. I was an idiot and reached for my brush and the blow dryer hit the mirror." That was actually a believable story. "Don't worry. I didn't shatter a mirror to stab myself with the shards. I didn't mean to do it." He shrugged and walked back upstairs. He could feel his parents eyes on him, just watching him and not knowing what to do. They never knew what to do. Hell, Alex didn't know what he needed them to do. Nothing, he supposed. He was damaged goods anyway.