C H A P T E R
TWENTY-EIGHT:
Taehyung was in bed, laying there in the dark and silence, staring up at the ceiling, wondering what made it all turn sour. He sighs, turning his head towards the left to stare at Jungkook's empty one. He wasn't staying with Taehyung anymore. He was sleeping in Hoseok's room with Jin. And Taehyung was left all alone to ponder and search his way through his own thoughts. But Taehyung didn't expect the deafening silence and lonliness to be this painful. To be honest, Taehyung was used to it. He had always been alone, since he was an only child and his mother barely spewed out any words to him since his father left.
But he was okay, he always made sure that he was doing fine. But this time, all the emotions that he felt, were just so raw, so hard to comprehend, so easy to just let in. And Taehyung was feeling so much that it reached a point...where he didn't even know what he was feeling. And just like that, he was just a lost little boy searching for love. Searching for himself. And searching for someone to love.
Taehyung knew what he felt for Jungkook. And it was much more than old, hidden feelings of the past. It was much more than arousal and attraction. It was much more than his heart fluttering at the sight of Jungkook's bunny smile. It was so much more than the world's weight against him. And he regrets that he didn't see it earlier. He regrets letting Jungkook go. And he regrets not being able to admit how in love he was with Jungkook. Taehyung had always tried to live without any regrets, but now he was beginning to see that every action he's ever done is starting to build up against him, to create the biggest regret he's ever had, and that's letting Jungkook go, once more.
If only he had stopped Jungkook before he walked out, and begged on his knees for another chance to be better, if only he had treated Jungkook the right way. If only...he had not been a petty little child then maybe, just maybe Jungkook would be with Taehyung, arms and legged wrapped around him, head on his chest, sleeping with Taehyung. Taehyung imagined having Jungkook in his arms, wishing to the heavens and back for a different life, a life without pain. A life without darkness. A life without sadness.
But no matter how hard Taehyung wished, he knew that he was stuck. Stuck being alone. It had always been that way, especially since a young age. Growing up without a friend, a sibling, a parent worthy of raising a kid, he had always been more than alone. But now, this silence, this empty void, this darkness he laid in, was killing him slowly on the inside. And he didn't realise that it was eating at him from the inside until now.
Ten years ago...
"Appa! Dad! Watch me, I made this-" young Taehyung pauses when he sees his father standing by his bed, sadness written all over his face as he placed a little note softly by his bedside table. Taehyung's father turns around, quickly stuffing the note into his pocket, it was best this way. He had to speak to Taehyung. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he just left without speaking to his son. "T-taehyung, come on over here," he beckons over with his hand as he watches his eight year old son hesitate before stepping forward.
Taehyung's father sat down on the bed, a soft sigh leaving his lips as Taehyung sat down next to him. "Son, sometimes, you make bad decisions. And you can't help but ignore it for a long while, until finally..you can't handle it anymore," he pauses, looking down at his son. Taehyung shifts on his bed, "dad..why are you telling me this?" He says softly, playing with his small hands. Taehyung's father wraps his arm around his son. "There may be a time where you find yourself sad, missing someone you loved dearly, but remember that they'll always be right here," he points at Taehyung's chest with a soft smile.
Taehyung nods, a smile on his face, oblivious as to what his father was trying to tell him, "yes dad. Anyways, do you want to see what I made for Jungkook today in class?" Taehyung's father chuckles, knowing that his son wasn't interested in anything other than his best friend, Jungkook. "Taehyung, I promise that you can show me later, but I have to tell you something really important, so...will you be able to listen?" Taehyung sighs, with a gentle nod. He always felt bad when he ignored his father.
"I want you to take care of your mother, I want you to take care of yourself. And I want you to be happy. But I'm afraid that...if I stay here, you will no longer grow up happier, and your mother will not be able to see your smiles as you grow up. So I have to go–"
"You're leaving me?" Taehyung asks, tears immediately falling from his eyes. His father wipes away his tears, holding Taehyung tightly, "no, no, I promise I'll be back for every birthday, for every special occasion, for every tear that falls from your eyes, but right now, I have to go. But I promise, I promise that I'll be back. I won't ever forget you son."
Taehyung sobs, his body shaking as he hugs his father, not wanting to let go. But he had to. And he watched as his father left, leaving a note on the counter for his mother, suitcases in hand. He walked away, leaving Taehyung all alone in that big, scary house. He walked away, leaving Taehyung with the first empty, sad heartbreak. He walked away, leaving, just becoming a distant, faded memory for Taehyung.
Taehyung begins to cry, his heart pulling at the memory of his father. He lets the first few tears roll down, but then he can't control them, letting his mind take over his body, as he chokes, trying to regulate his breathing.
Nine years ago...
Taehyung's ninth birthday. He was so excited to see his father. He still remembers the promise his father made only a few weeks ago. Yes, even though it was sad, and his mother was heartbroken, Taehyung would get to his hero once more. And that's all he needed, all he needed was the open, and warm arms of his father, embracing him as his smile reaches his ears.
And of course, the most important thing about seeing his father would be...getting a present. His mother didn't get him one, but he didn't blame her. Taehyung didn't want anything from her, he knew she was sad and that there were more important things than his birthday. But knowing the simple fact that his father promised, made Taehyung realise that his father still cared, and that's what gave Taehyung the ability to climb out of bed and just paint on a smile for the day, just for the day.
So Taehyung waited. And waited. And waited. But he didn't mind, he knew his father probably was busy trying to pick out the best present for his son. That was it. Taehyung was a picky child, so the present had to be top tier. Chuckling to himself, Taehyung sat near his window, watching at the gate of his house, trying to see if a familiar person would come to his house. But then he got distracted with the pretty clouds moving in the blue sky. And that reminded Taehyung, just why was the sky blue? Why couldn't it be green? Or any other colour? Why did it have to be blue. Blue was so sad.
Taehyung hated the fact that he had blue eyes. Blue meant feeling down, or feeling sad. And Taehyung never felt sad. He was always happy, he always had hope. So why were his eyes blue? Why couldn't god give him brown eyes like Jungkook? Jungkook...his best friend. Oh how he missed his best friend, anytime he thought about his little bunny friend, his mood always brightened up. No matter where he was, no matter how he was feeling. Jungkook always made it better.
It reaches to evening. And Taehyung is still sat by the window, looking out of it. The clouds begin to grey, raindrops falling onto the ground with a pitter patter, making Taehyung sigh. But he wouldn't lose hope. No. That's one thing he wouldn't do. His mother taught him that even in the darkest of times, hope would always be the light that you can hang onto without a miss.
He never lost hope for five years.
Every birthday, for the next five years Taehyung would wait on his doorstep for his father, watching as the rain falls. Until the fifth birthday, he didn't even step outside. He opened the door, staring at the heavy rainfall with despise. And the finally shut the door with a pained sigh.
Taehyung continues to sob. All of the memories that he hid away pouring into the present one by one. Taehyung grips at his hair, yelling out in frustration as the tears continue to fall. "Why?" He croaks out, his vision blurring in the dark. Why was he never enough? He wasn't enough for his father. Or his mother. So who was he enough for? No one wanted a broken mess like himself.
3 years ago...
His father promised.
Promised to never forget.
But he left.
And never came back.
Taehyung pushes his tears away, running into his bathroom, and as soon as the door is locked shut, he slides down onto the floor, curling into a little ball, tears dripping down his face like a leaky water faucet. He holds his hand ontop of his mouth as he tries to muffle the sobs escaping his lips. He wasn't enough for his father. His father forgot about him. And while he waited on the doorstop like a lost puppy, his father was probably happy. And that pain couldn't compare to any pain the fifteen year old boy was feeling.
Nothing could compare to the feeling of being forgotten.
And his mother.
Well his mother never spoke to him. She only spoke to him if she absolutely had to. They were like two strangers living in the same house, avoiding bumping into each other, but what Taehyung's mother could never understand, was that no matter how much pain she was feeling, her son was feeling it ten times more.
And all he wanted, all that he craved for was for his mother to hold him tightly, like he was young, and let him know that even through the darkness, that hope was a light worth hanging onto. Even if you were slipping, even if you were a smidge away from falling, at least you had that little bit of light in your life.
Taehyung wipes his tears, spotting a razor on the on the counter. He grips the counter tightly, as he stares at himself in the bathroom mirror. Despising the look of himself.
He was worthless, he didn't deserve to live if he was already being forgotten.
Taehyung picks the razor up, staring at it with a soft smile, before bringing it to his wrist. He stares at his wrist, pressing down harder than before, and winces when it slices his wrist, his eyes tearing up at the corners. He moves the razor away, watching the blood drop down slowly, the open wound stinging. But it wasn't enough.
And so Taehyung continues until his vision blurs, until he's barely able to stand up without feeling his head spin. But he smiles. He smiles through everything, and it isn't a happy smile. It's smile that would bring the cheeriest person alive to their knees with tears.
At least the pain went away for longer than a second.
Taehyung screams into his pillow, his duvet damp with tears. He was so stupid. So worthless. So slow. So dumb. Why did he have to give up? And just like that, Taehyung's last thread of hope, snapped.
But, at least the pain went away for just a moment... right?
------
Dear readers,
Writing this chapter really made me tear up, and writing from the heart, thinking about past experiences. Yes I'm young, but that doesn't mean anyone young doesn't go through the same thing. And I just want all of you to know, that if you're going through the same thing as tae, or Jungkook, or any of the characters in this book, please don't be afraid to message me, or your friends and family. I love you all, you're my little family you know? Please stay safe and healthy, because what would this world be without you?
Love,
Kamila. xx