Hope
So... I was disappointed when dad left for VA and mom went to Vietnam. Why? All mom wrote about was how much fun she was having with her family and how no matter what they were doing, she wished dad was around. She grabbed her phone to call him almost everyday but punked out thinking he still hated her and wouldn't pick up. Too bad he wasn't mad and had his phone by his side 24/7 hoping she'd call because he was too chicken to do the shit himself.
The only way they had contact at all was when dad's manager Tina FaceTimed mom so they can throw an outfit together for him. That didn't even last long; my mom quit the job as dad's stylist since it was too hard for her due to her feelings. It was obvious they missed each other but they just didn't want to admit it. Want to know the worst part? They didn't see each other again for a year. Before that though, let's get into when dad's CD Graffiti finally dropped four months after mom quit working for him...
Kae
December... Christmas was eighteen days away and today, Chris was on my mind way more than usual. 'Graffiti' was finally in stores and all I could think about was if it was doing well. If it wasn't I don't know how he'll take it; but I know he'll be devastated. He worked hard as hell on that album and put his feelings on the table; people should give him credit for that and LOVE it. That's not guaranteed though so it only makes me feel like shit on top of wonder if sales are doing well.
I was there for him during this difficult time and was helping him push through it; it was obvious by how quickly he changed being around me compared to the frown on his face he hid behind that smile the day we met. With that said I feel like I abandoned him but what else was I supposed to do? It wasn't the right time to try and have a relationship and Rihanna showing up at the restaurant ruining our first date proved that.
Can't change it now though; all I can do is wish things were different. I may have cut off all ties with him by changing my number and staying in Vietnam after I quit being Chris' stylist which I said I wouldn't do last time we were face-to-face. I had to though; me seeing him in the background each time Tina FaceTimed me and wanting to talk to him but not being able to was killing me inside. All quitting did though was make it worse. It probably let him know there's no hope at all for us in the future and that shit hurts more than not seeing him.
I just got back from the store with Chris' CD and I'm getting ready to listen to it when Seiko calls me. Either she's with EJ and they want to know if I'm back in town or she wants to know if I bought Graffiti and contacted Chris so he at least knows I'm still supporting him. "Hello," I say when I answer. "Hey bitch! So... Did you get it," Seiko asked. "Chill out, damn girl! I just got back from the store. I didn't get a chance to listen to it until you called me!" EJ joined in when she started rambling next and mentioned 'Fallin Down' It hit me like a ton of bricks all at once just hearing the name of that song again. Mainly because I was worried he'd take it off the album just because of me.
Looks like I was wrong... Now I'm missing him all over again and he most likely wants nothing to do with me. I got up the courage to press play and immediately played the song that was haunting my brain. It brought on my tears just like it did the first time. To compose myself, I skipped the next song and played the first song. I was good until two songs later when 'Crawl' played and I heard that familiar chorus I walked in on that last day I saw Chris. 'So Cold' came next which almost put me over the edge thinking it was about me. It could've been me or Rihanna which also brought on tears knowing his feelings for her will never go away. They could secretly be talking to each other planning on when they're gonna be face-to-face again.
Those thoughts clouded my head as I just let the CD play while Seiko and EJ's thoughts on each song went in one ear and out the other. Even when they tried to get my thoughts on them I stayed quiet. I just didn't want to end up crying again since right now I wasn't. It didn't help that 'Lucky Me' came on when I thought this album wouldn't bring on any more tears. It was just like 'Fallin Down' message wise and I couldn't take listening to that song again so I skipped it only to hear a song I'm positive was written for me. It made sense from the words he sang and from the silence on the other end of my phone, which was a first, I'm sure my best friends knew it too.
All there was after I turned off my stereo system was silence except for my tears. It felt like it took forever before anyone said anything. "Kae are you ok," Seiko and EJ ask concerned. Hell no! I can't do this with them right now so I have to get off the phone and be by myself. "I-I'm gonna call you guys back..." That was the last thing they heard before I hung up and turned off my cell. After that I just sat there and cried some more. My parents came over for dinner about an hour later and thankfully I kept it together and they came right on time for once so I had enough time to hide the fact I was crying. They already see the affect Chris has on me so they don't like him and if they realized I was crying over him just imagine their reaction to it!
I did decide while they were here to call him after I finish listening to the whole album though. Doing that will probably be good for the both of us and I have to hear his voice. It was when 'I Need This' came on and made me change my mind for the slightest second. If Chris answers it was worth calling him but if he doesn't at least I tried. When he didn't, as expected, I sighed and was about to turn off my phone again when he texted me. Better than nothing right? I opened up the message to see what he said expecting the worst. Luckily it wasn't but it wasn't the response I wanted either:
Chrissy <3: Karrueche I can't tlk 2 u rite now... If u wanted 2 congratulate me on my album, thnx. I'd say I want ur feedback on it but I don't; I'd be better off w/o it. Jus so I can't get hurt again... Lose my # I'm changin mine 2mrrw...
Damn... he really does hate me! All because I turned him down! I didn't want to and I explained that to him! I didn't know what to do other than reply back just to see if I can get him to change his mind. Can't hurt to try!
Me: Ummm... ok... If itz what u want; 'I'll Go' and move on... Despite what happened w/ us I want u 2 be happy. All of TB does. Btw, I LOVED the album; itz ur best 1 yet.
As I waited for a response I thought I wasn't going to get; I tried my best not to cry again and succeeded. I did this to myself so I can't do anything about it. At least he knows that I heard the song he wanted me to hear and put a twist on it to try and get him to reconsider taking me out of his life completely. There's a chance he will even if I highly doubt it. I won't give up hope for us but I can try my best to move on for now if it's what Chris wants. I care about him enough for that...
Chris
I just came back from the studio bathroom and shit after handling my business. Tyga and I were doing a mixtape together to have music to perform when we go on tour soon. It was an easy decision knowing how well IMZ did. I felt it would be a better experience making my second one with a friend. Don't worry though; I'm working on IMZ2 which will hopefully come out right after the tour just for my fans. Team Breezy really keep me going man. I'd give this 'Chris Brown' shit up if I didn't have them. All they're talking about today is how much they love the album which dropped today, finally, mainly because I put so much emotion into it.
Kae was right, putting my emotions into my songs did pay off. I can't even believe I'm thinking about her ass right now! It's been months since we've fuckin spoken and she's not even my stylist anymore so her former boss is. After she said she wouldn't quit on me she does and she couldn't even tell me in person! That's if she's even still in L.A. which I wouldn't know if I'm home in Tappahannok! She's the last person I should be thinking of though yet she's on my mind 24/7. My mom and everyone else has tried to distract me but the shit hasn't worked. Why the fuck am I acting like this?
Robs didn't even have this affect on me so why does Kae? She hurt me and yet I still hope I'll get a call from her with her apologizing and wanting to pick up where we left off. It's been so long I don't even know if we will but I have a feeling that just because it's her I'll make an exception. That could lead to my ass getting hurt again too but what if it doesn't? What if this time we actually work out? Fuck it; I can't think about this shit anymore. Kae's not important the music is.
"You aight nigga," Ty and Bow asked. "Yeah I'm straight. Let's get this shit finished!" My statement got a nod out of them and we got to work on 'Aint Thinkin Bout You'. It was the perfect song for me to do right now and apparently they know it. I need to keep Kae off my mind for right now. I grab my phone which I left in here while I was takin a piss and see no missed calls or messages. I sigh and put it in my pocket then go into the booth. Why I changed the lyrics to my verse I don't know but it just came out:
"We would've been together for a minute so it feels funny tryna find someone different! But it's all good; can finally say 'I'm finished!' Wanna call me a playa; go head a nigga aint trippin! And I aint sayin I don't care about you; I just don't think you feel what I do! It's ok; it's alright! blackberry's filled wit a whole bunch of women! Won't waste no time! Be steady tryna get you back; get you back in my life! You don't care; you don't care! Used to be you that I liked but Imma do what I like tonight! I'm gon' get tipsy! Under 21 still make the girls have fun! So watch these ladies jump on me!"
Bow and Tyga kept begging me to put that verse on the song and I almost said yes but something in me couldn't do it. I don't know why... I guess I care about Kae too much to put her on blast like that. It's different when I wrote a song that could easily have been for Robyn when it wasn't because the both of them will know who it was for. As if on cue, she called me. Once a month like clockwork. "Hey Robs," I greeted her. I'm glad we're really good friends after what happened. I just wish I could say the same thing about Kae... I guess I'll never know and I need to start thinking about life without her in it... It won't be easy but it's time...