A/N: i had to update this asap it's my favourite chapter
January 13th, 2017
We've been in Amsterdam for about a week and a half and we leave again in four days. Gemma will go to London a day early before the rest of us but after that Anne and Dad will go back to Holmes Chapel, Harry will go to Scotland to film the music video for 'Sign of The Times' and I'll go back to L.A. When we arrived, the snow was melting and there's no longer any sludge here from old snow. The weather has been relatively lovely, by lunchtime I can't wear a coat from the warmth. We spent the first few days sight-seeing the canal, indulging in the waterfront and seeing museums and art galleries as well as going to the Anne Frank House which was entirely thought provoking. I lay in bed looking at Gemma in the bed next to me fast sleep, curled up with her hands pressed under her cheeks. I roll over and look out the window at the indigo night sky, stars freckling the sky as the shine and glimmer.
"Who knew, hey?" I say to the blinking stars. I think about the sleepless nights I'd spend talking to the stars when I felt lonely, I wonder if they're proud of me and everything I've accomplished, even if they are stars.
******
January 14th, 2017
"I think we should go somewhere." Harry says as we lay on the living room floor eating from a bag of chips, sun streaming across the floor in which we lay upon in our shared hotel room. Dad insisted we get a share hotel room so the five of us would be together for the holiday and apparently its less money, I wouldn't have it any other way.
"Like where? We've seen almost every square inch of Amsterdam and I'm not going to lie to you, the shrooms from last night are kicking my ass." I say, crossing my leg over my other as I lay on the floor.
"But by god did we have some amazing conversations and I'm not talking about Amsterdam, Tilly." Harry says as he rolls onto his stomach and lays closer to me.
Just not the conversation.
"Harry, we came with our families we can't just up and go on another adventure." I say truthfully.
"But we've spent the last two weeks with them and when I release the album there's no telling when I'll see you again." He practically whispers as he fumbles at the tethers of the rug we lay on, his legs kicked up in the air behind him like a schoolgirl on the phone in bed.
"Where would we go?" I ask gently.
"Anywhere you want, tell me where and I'll make it happen." He says.
"Somewhere I can see the stars. Somewhere I can hear the ocean but also see trees as far as I can look... Somewhere that feels like home, but also an adventure. With lots and lots of flowers, the kind that grow behind your house in springtime, the small white ones." I say to Harry whose googling something on his phone.
"I think I've found your perfect adventure." He says as he kisses my cheek and I smile, feeling my cheeks blush.
"What do we do about Anne and Dad? Gemma leaves tomorrow anyways so she isn't a problem." I joke.
"Maybe they could come?" Harry says.
"Cut the trip short and we go somewhere away from anyone... A getaway." He says.
"You really want them to come?" I say back to him as I sit up cross legged, tightening my messy bun.
"Sure, we got to see some cool shit around here, but I don't feel like I had a real holiday with my Mum, Matilda. I haven't had a real holiday since..." He trails off and I catch his eyes staring into the distance.
"Since The Before I suppose." He mumbles as he frowns and looks back down to his fingers, adjusting the rings on his fingers.
"Then let's pack." I say back, standing to my feet and offering my hand.
******
January 16th, 2017
"It's so windy!" Anne shouts at us as she trails behind us as the four of us get out of the car parked under the carport attached to the side of the house and walk to open the door of the B n B home.
"Its winter, Anne what did you expect!" I joke as she runs up and nudges my shoulder with her glove covered hand, her dark hair swaying in the wind.
We get inside and pull our luggage into the main sitting room and look around the place. The white walls with open windows let in the afternoon glow from the sun, embracing the horizon. The wooden floorboards sit beneath the furniture and my eyes focus on the open fireplace attached to the navy-blue feature wall, contrasting against the brick layout of the fireplace. The white lounge is scattered in various colourful throw blankets. I go to a window and see the garden further down the field, littered with small yellow daisies and white dots to which I assume are more flowers. I inhale deeply, allowing the scent of the ocean to intoxicate my nostrils.
"Harry this is exactly what I had imagined." I say as I take in the breath-taking view of this house.
"It's only three bedrooms but I thought that that would be okay and if it isn't, I'll take the lounge." He says softly.
"No that's fine. Don't be silly, we've shared beds all our life!" I smirk at him.
"Get a room." Dad says as he carries his bags upstairs, followed by Anne who does the same.
"Hey old man, careful what you say." I joke and hear both he and Anne laugh.
"I think the guide said ours is downstairs, upstairs is the bathroom and two bedrooms and some kinda small sitting room." Harry says as he scrolls through his phone.
*Play Song Now: Married Life from the movie 'UP'*
I wheel my suitcase into what will be Harry and my bedroom for the next two nights. The room is equally as beautiful as the rest of the house. It's quiet small and has a large open window looking out onto the ocean, grey walls and a queen-sized bed with soft blue quilt covers. I sit on the edge of the bed and watch as the sun sets into the ocean for a few moments.
"Harry and I are going to make dinner, if you'd like to help your father get a fire started and pick a movie for us to watch?" Anne says as she leans in the doorway looking at me.
"Yeah I'd love too." I say and smile.
"Tilly girl, are you okay?" Anne asks sweetly and I nod at her.
I'm just in love with your son is all... But I think everyone knows that except him.
"I'm okay. Just not ready to go back yet, I've missed you and Dad." Which isn't necessarily a lie, I really have missed them both. Anne comes over and kisses my forehead and brushes down my hair, looping her finger around one of my curls.
"Thank you." She says gently and I look up to her.
"For what?" I say.
"For never giving up on Harry." She says and I feel a heaviness in my chest.
"Even if I wanted too, which I never will, I couldn't." I say back, standing with her as we go to the living room together.
The night was spent laughing, playing board games, eating homemade pizza, drinking wine and watching The Parent Trap while I cuddled up on the lounge with Dad. I kept thinking about what Anne was saying and it made me think, I couldn't give up on Harry, that's true. But what if he gave up on me?
"I think we call it a night, my lovelies!" Anne says as she fluffs Harry's hair and takes the wine glasses to the kitchen.
"I agree Anne and-" Dad says but he begins coughing, similar to the cough when I arrived in Holmes Chapel.
"Dad?" I say as I sit up and pat his back gently.
"I'll get some water." Harry says standing to his feet but Anne comes out with a glass already and hands it to Dad who sips on it lightly.
"Why are we all standing... around... I'm fine!" He says between coughs and I step closer to him and help him from the couch.
"There's nothing to worry about, I'm a healthy man at the ripe age of forty-nine!" He jokes and I take a deep breath and exhale completely, allowing the worry to exist my tense shoulders. I love him to pieces and I always worry so much about him, even if there isn't much to worry about.
"Hmm, okay. I trust you. Goodnight, Daddio." I say as he gives me a hug and I kiss his bearded cheek.
"Night Kiddo, you too Buns." He says to Harry and Harry laughs.
"Oh, come on, it's been years!" Harry says as he runs his hand through his mop of brown curls and smirks, his dimple showing off.
"Once a baker-" Dad begins.
"Always a baker, yes, I know Dean, thank you!" Harry laughs as he hugs Anne and the two of them go upstairs.
Harry and I go into the bathroom upstairs and brush our teeth, slowly making our way to our shared bedroom. He and I stand across from one another looking at the bed.
"Its actually kinda..." I mumble.
"Small? Kinda small." Harry affirms.
"I'm five-foot-six so I feel like I'll be okay, you however..." I laugh.
"Shut up." He says as he folds his arms across his chest.
"Can I take my hoodie off?" He says as he looks up at me.
The awkwardness of this situation eats away at me and I feel like I'm going to genuinely combust.
"Um, yeah, go for it." I mumble as I scratch at the back of my head.
Harry clears his throat and I walk over to the light switch and turn it off, the moonlight flowing into the now dark room. We don't shut the blinds because the house is far from anyone and it's on the beach. The sound of waves crashing into the shore fill the silent room.
I walk to the bed and climb into it and Harry does the same, we lay on our backs staring at the ceiling in silence, our chests rising and falling from deep breaths.
"H?"
"Til?"
"Are you scared?" I ask quietly.
"About the album?" He whispers.
"Yeah." I whisper back.
"Definitely." He responds with an exhale.
I throw my hands out of the blanket and rest them by my side, the close proximity of his fingers to mine makes me burn with anticipation. I feel my breath become heavy.
"Til?"
"H?" I respond shakily.
"Are you scared?" He asks me the same question.
"About the movie?" I whisper to him as our fingers inch closer, the crinkling of the blanket becoming louder.
"Definitely." I mimic his response.
We're quiet for a little while as we listen to the waves of the ocean rolling into shore and I almost think he's asleep, then I feel his pinkie finger enlace itself with my own. I take a short breath and don't move my head from looking at the ceiling. We lay here, in the same bed that we barely fit in, pinkies enlaced, staring at the white ceiling in this small dark room and if I close my eyes, I feel like I'm a child again. Completely and totally unaware of my love for the curly haired boy next to me. I wish I was still the little girl who mistook his playful fighting as arguing.
I always knew we loved one another but the metaphorical feeling of caramel melting inside my chest intensifies when I'm around him.
My friendship for Harry is laying on green grass on a hazy summer afternoon, hot chocolate in winter and swing sets at the park... But my love for Harry is poetry written by hand in leather journals, dried flowers pressed into novels and open button up shirts that expose my black swimmer tops. I realised something; his pinkie wrapped in mine is a feeling I've never realised I crave so badly. Perhaps because I couldn't have it. Not until now.