Time had passed since that night in your dorm room. Jungkook had come back to you. And you were his once again. You were locked back in the cage of your emotions and Jungkook was the one holding the key.
Nothing was made official, but you didn't think about it much. All you cared about was that Jungkook was back to you again. He was sitting next to you. You, and no one else. That was all you cared about.
You sat in the passenger seat of his car. Your feet on the dashboard, looking out at the rain that hit the windshield. Jungkook sat next to you, his eyes lost in the rain, watching the drops slide down the window, like a tear down a cheek.
You found yourself looking at him. Admiring his still expression. He looked so peaceful as he looked on to the distance. Part of you wished he was looking at you. You leaned back in your seat, letting your body become heavy.
The moment was still, it was calm. It was just you and him alone. The sound of the rain hitting the windows filling the comfortable silence between you. You looked out to the rain, your head felt light- thoughtless, other than one overwhelming feeling.
"Jungkook... I- I love you," you whispered, under your breath. A part of you not wanting him to hear your vulnerable words. But another part, wanting to scream them out loud to make sure he hears. To make sure he knows how you feel. This intense feeling you've been holding in for so long- too long.
Jungkook turned his head to you, his dark eyes looking almost glossy. His expression was very serious, his gaze nearly burning through you. You felt a piercing pain in your chest as he did, not knowing how to act or what to say.
The silence was killing you, but he wouldn't look away. You couldn't speak, you felt like all of your words were stolen from you. You stared at him, feeling your heart shatter. You knew, at that moment, he wasn't going to say it back. You had waited so long to find the words in yourself, to finally admit your true feelings to him. And when you finally did, he didn't say it back.
It hurt- it hurt a fucking lot. You felt like crying in front of him, to show him how much pain you were in. You had shown him a side of yourself that you had never shown anyone before and he couldn't give you anything back. You felt like you were dying, as you sat there, feeling like an utter fool.
"I'm sorry," he finally muttered. His words confirmed your fears. He wasn't going to say it back and you weren't sure he ever would.
You felt so stupid. So pathetic to think he would say it back, let alone actually feel it. Jungkook wasn't the type to fall in love. You weren't sure if he was capable of it.
You pushed yourself against the door of his car, contemplating just leaving. You couldn't bear to be in there with him. You felt like you were suffocating on the thick air. You needed to get out, you needed to breathe. You couldn't look at him, the sight of his still face made you feel like screaming. You slid your hand over the door, searching for the handle. Once you found it, you wrapped your shaking fingers around it and opened it. A rush of fresh air came over you and for a second, you could breathe.
You wanted to getaway. As far away from him as you could. Because running away from him meant running away from your feelings, and that's what you needed.
"What are you doing?" Jungkook called after you as you stepped out of the car. "Where are you going?"
You couldn't answer, your throat was clogged with incoming tears. Your eyes were already filled with them, they streamed down your burning cheeks as you walked off. Your legs felt weak but you pushed yourself forward, you needed to getaway. Rain poured down on your body, soaking your clothes. You didn't notice it. You turned out the sounds of him calling after you. You knew that if you listened long enough you'd go to them. You knew that if you went back to them, you'd be trapped in Jungkook's arms once again.
As much as you wanted it, you couldn't do that to yourself. Not again.
—
You didn't know where to go. You couldn't stay at the dorm, the fear of Chae finding out what had happened scaring you. There was one place on your mind. One person, you knew you could talk to.
Jimin.
You went to the Bangtan frat house. It was rainy for November. The cold water made you forget the bitter feeling in your chest. It beat down on your face as you walked down the sidewalk. The house wasn't far from the dorms so you didn't feel the need to get a ride. You needed time to think anyway.
Your head spun, replaying the moment over and over. Jungkook's face as the words left your mouth haunting you. You felt like a fool. Why would you say such a thing? You knew how he felt about that sort of thing, yet you said it anyway. You could have ruined everything with just three stupid words. With your feelings. It was always your stupid feelings that fucked up everything. They got you into this mess, in the first place, and they were what kept you in it. Holding you hostage so you can never escape the way you feel about the boy who will never feel the same way.
You hated it. You hated that you could have ruined everything. How stupid could you be?
You quickly pushed those thoughts away as you reached the door. You knocked gently. Your body felt so weak, you could barely put any effort into it.
The door opened a moment later. You recognized the person on the other side as Jung Hoseok. He flashed you with a bright smile, he must have recognized you too. You were washed over with shame, guess how he probably knew. With everything that happened, you had largely forgotten about Taehyung. But others might not have.
"Taehyung isn't here." He probably thought you were just another one of his girls that came in and out. The thought gave you shame. You thought more of yourself than that....
"I'm actually here for Jimin." In you trying to defend yourself, you realized that it just made you look worse. You opened your mouth to explain but the sound of a familiar voice silenced you.
"Oh, hey," It was Jimin. He was smiling at you as he walked down the stairs to meet you at the door. "Hobi, this is one of my best friends. Been together since elementary haha." Jimin must have known what Hoseok was thinking and saved you being known for fucking half the frat.
"Oh, I'm sorry." Hobi stepped to the side, letting you come in to meet Jimin inside. He quickly nodded to you and walked off, into the kitchen, leaving you alone with Jimin.
Once Hoseok was gone, Jimin came closer to you. Close enough where he could see your puffy red eyes, burning from all the tears that poured out of them. "Oh my god, what happened." He then noticed your worn expression, your weak body. There was a moment of silence between you, Jimin knew you wouldn't answer. "Here, come up to my room."
You followed him up the stairs, letting him lead you down the hall to what was his room. It was exactly how you would imagine Jimin's room. Very clean, there was nothing out of place. It was rather bare but felt homey. Jimin motioned for you to sit down on the bed. You did, you obeyed his every order.
He sat down next to you, putting his arm around your shoulder. The way he did whenever he cheered you up. You nuzzled your head into his collarbone and began to cry.
You felt so pathetic for crying. Especially over Jungkook, over a boy that just wouldn't say 'I love you' back. But to you, it meant more than that. Jungkook's lack of a reaction only proved to you all the fears you held inside about your relationship with him. All the repeating questions that would spin around in your head. Of if he really cared or was just using you again, like he had all those times before. It was those questions that ate you up inside but you fought them off. Telling yourself over and over that it was different this time. But it wasn't, was it? It was the same as all those times before.
You felt Jimin's arms wrap tightly around you, pulling you in closer to him. You liked the warmth of him on your face. The way his sweater soaked up your falling tears, the soft fabric against your face. Jimin rubbed your back to try and calm you. You focused your mind on his gentle strokes, letting the calm take you over. Your eyes began to feel heavy as if Jimin's soft pets were putting you to sleep. "I'm sorry," Jimin whispered softly. He didn't know what he was apologizing for. Jimin didn't hurt you. If anything, Jimin was healing you.
"I just- I... I don't know what I did wrong." You cried so hard your words came out more like broken sobs rather than real words.
Jimin reached up and patted down your hair, hushing you, sweetly. "You did nothing wrong, I'm sure."
He wasn't. He didn't even know what happened.
But did giving your heart to the wrong person count as doing something wrong? It felt wrong.
Chaeyoung was the only person you talked to about Jungkook, but at that moment, you were ready to pour everything out to Jimin. Ready to tell him about your deepest darkest secret. The words just poured out, you weren't in control of what you said. You just said it. Crying through the words that described your heartbreak. Crying over how much you still loved the boy who might never love you back.
Jimin listened quietly, his hands softly petting down your head to signal to you that he was still listening- that he was there.
Once you finished, Jimin hummed softly as he thought about what to say. Your head spun with the possibilities of his next words. Would he judge you? Call you a fool? Tell you how stupid you are for letting the same boy hurt you over and over again? But no... all he said was:
"That's not love." His tone was harsh, almost too harsh.
"What?"
"What you have- or had with him isn't love. If he truly loved you he wouldn't treat you like that. You deserve better, much better." Jimin spoke slowly, wanting to make sure you understood the weight of his every word.
"I know," you said, weakly. You knew you deserved better, but you didn't want anyone else.
"Then why did you keep going back? Why do you still cry over him now?"
You shoved your face into his chest, not wanting him to see your swollen face. A face that was filled with guilt and embarrassment. "I don't know. I don't know."
"Like you don't need to defend yourself to me. I just- it makes me upset to see you this way. Especially over someone who clearly doesn't deserve you." He began petting your hair again, smoothing it out with his gentle fingers. "It's not fair."
His choice of words seemed odd. You weren't sure what he was implying wasn't fair, but you couldn't bring yourself to ask. You weren't sure if it was because you were too upset or afraid to know the answer. Either worked.
You stayed quiet, nuzzling your face into him, intoxicating yourself with his smell. He smelled sweet, like fresh fruit. It was different. Jungkook always smelled muskier. You liked Jimin's smell. It was something you never noticed until now.
The tears had slowed and you peeled yourself away from him, looking into his hazy brown eyes. You weren't sure if it was your weak state or the way Jimin was looking at you or both. But you felt overcome with a rush of wanting to kiss him. As is the crush you had on him as a kid has suddenly come back now. You looked over his face, his eyes were filled with care, his lips ever so slightly pursed out. You knew if you kissed him, he wouldn't stop you. You knew he would kiss you back. And you craved that feeling- the feeling of being wanted. You wanted him to want you. In the way, Jungkook didn't. Jimin loved you, you knew that. You loved him too. In a different way of course but it was true. There was love there. It might not be the kind you so desperately craved, but it was the kind you needed.
As your eyes met his you knew what was going to happen. Through the unspoken words, you let your body take over, pushing yourself up to have your lips meet his. Jimin was already ahead of you, his lips crashing into yours before you could suck in your final breath.
His lips were soft against yours. Big and smooth and warm as they collided with your lips. Your lips were probably cracked and hurting from all the crying you had done. Hurting because of how hard you bit down on them to stop the crying, to no avail. But Jimin healed you slowly as he kissed you. Taking away the pain and smoothing down the cracks.
His kisses were slow, gentle, loving, and meaningful. Jimin took his time kissing you. His lips molding into yours, working with you rather than controlling you. Your eyes were shut as he kissed you, yet you still felt the warm tears stuck to your eyelashes, dapping against your cheeks.
You weren't sure how long the kiss lasted for. You felt suspended in time as you kissed him. As if time didn't pass while your lips were connected to his. But you felt it all rushing back to you the moment his lips parted. You opened your eyes, slowly, letting out a heavy breath. Jimin was still sitting in front of you, his beautiful eyes staring into yours.
He had a small smile on his face. "You don't know how long I've wanted to do that for." He let out an awkward laugh as he spoke.
You smiled in response, not really knowing what to say. But deep down you knew it wasn't right. You weren't done with Jungkook. All your feelings for him were still there. It hadn't even been a day, of course, they were. But in that tiny moment with Jimin, you felt relieved of the weight on your shoulders.
You felt like you could smile without feeling wrong about it. That's how it always was with Jimin. Light. While Jungkook dragged you underground, Jimin made you levitate into the sky.
"Thank you," you said.
Jimin laughed and you realized that it wasn't the right thing to say. You looked down at your shaking hands, trying to avoid Jimin's eyes. It was then, you felt his fingers touch your chin, lifting your face up so your eyes could meet his once again. "Look, I don't want to intrude with what you have with him... It isn't my place." Jimin spoke softly, but you could tell the words pained him to speak. "But, I want you to know that I've loved you for a long time. As long as I can remember, really. And I would wait for you, I already have been for a while but I'm willing to wait longer. I know now isn't the right time to be saying this but, I don't think there will ever be a good time. Like, that asshole doesn't deserve you. Don't you see that? But I'm right here. I have been since we were kids."
You listened to his words. Not knowing how to think. Jimin, your best friend, was proclaiming his lifelong love to you. You had spent years wishing for him to say those words. But now he says them when you love someone else. And yeah, that someone else might not be the right one but you still loved them. It wouldn't be fair to Jimin to lie to him.
You sat silently, going over his words in your head, trying to make sense of them. Why did everything have to be so complicated? You felt Jimin's sad eyes on you the entire time, you could tell your silence hurt him. You didn't want to hurt Jimin. If anything you wanted to tell him you loved him back. You knew that Jimin would be good for you. That he would be the right, happy ending choice in this situation. But you weren't sure if you were ready for your happy ending yet.
The moment seemed too personal. Like Jimin was looking into your eyes to see what you were actually thinking. You didn't want him to know. You quickly pulled yourself away. "I should go," you said, pushing yourself off his bed. "I'm sorry," you muttered as you turned away.
You needed to get out of there. Jimin didn't try to stop you, you knew he wouldn't. He was too hurt to try and bring you back. It wasn't right. Because you knew what Jimin was thinking- what he thought that kiss meant. Jimin saw you running to him as something more than needing a friend. And he told you how he really felt because he thought you felt the same way. Now, here you were running away from him because you are too much of a coward to tell him the truth.
You shouldn't have kissed him. You shouldn't have let him. But you wanted to feel something. You wanted him to want you. But the problem was that you didn't want him back- not in that way anyway.
As you left the Bangtan frat you felt washed over with the need to go home. It should have been the first place you went to. Going to Jimin was a mistake.
But maybe mistakes were all you were good at.
—-
You vividly remember the pain you felt the moment you experienced heartbreak for the first time. It was this burning pain in your chest that made you feel like you were dying. Your stomach turned, giving you unbearable nausea. Your head was spinning, with your vision foggy and blurred from the tears that coated your eyes.
You remember nearly screaming from how bad it hurt. Your whole body was numb, overtaken with the intense pain that stemmed from your aching heart. You were curled up in your bed, using the pressure from your knees pushing against your chest to help ease the pain. It didn't help, nothing helped.
The shape of your unworn prom dress hanging on the back of your door lingered over you. Like a ghost of what could have been, standing there and mocking you. You couldn't take your pain-filled eyes off it. All you wanted to do was rip it to shreds. You hated it, at the moment. You hated everything about it, everything it represented.
In a different timeline, you could have been wearing it, the beautiful nude-satin, that made its form, wrapped around your body. There would have been flowers in your hair and a smile on your face as you looked at him...
Him.
The thought of him made you angry, but you could only express it by crying harder.
After some time, your brain tuned out the sound of your cries, it hit a point where you weren't even sure if you were crying anymore. All you could hear was the blood pumping through your ears.
You laid, catatonic in your bed. You felt utterly broken. Like a weak and dying baby bird after it had fallen from its nest. You were dying slowly and couldn't do anything to stop it. You just had to suffer through the pain before you finally gave up and died.
You felt like giving up and dying then...
Now, you were standing in the middle of a party. You had a drink in your hand, you weren't sure what it was. You had had so many, at this point, that it all tasted the same. You wobbled around the party, your legs were too weak to hold you up completely. You found yourself falling into the wall as you made your way around the cabin, looking for something, but you didn't know what.
You had entered, what you believed was the kitchen, when you fell into something that wasn't a wall. You felt a pair of arms wrap around you, catching you before you hit the floor. "Watch yourself there," his voice echoed through your ears. You recognized it but were too drunk to figure out who. You looked up to see the owner of the voice, the alcohol had clouded your vision to the point where you could only make out a foggy cloud of his face.
You pushed yourself into him, burying your face into his chest, letting his arms wrap around you and pull you close. "Oh, hello there. Someone is drunk."
"Mhm," you hummed into his chest, rubbing your face into the fabric of his shirt. You couldn't think straight. You had drunk so much, you had forgotten all about Jungkook, all about how you felt. It felt good, feeling empty.
All you could think about was the need to feel wanted. You knew that if you were drunk enough, you would be braver than you usually were so you could make a move on someone. You didn't care who. You just wanted to be wanted. By anyone.
You felt his hands drift over your body, sliding down from the dip in your back to your ass, to the hem of your skirt that had ridden up your ass from your falling. You liked feeling his hands on you, you liked feeling something. But what you liked most, was knowing he wanted you.
You felt a chill rush over your body. You weren't sure if it was from the brisk night air or your subconscious telling you what you were doing was wrong. It didn't matter. "I'm cold," you whined, as you looked up to his cloudy face. You spoke in a baby voice as you stuck out your bottom lip to look cute.
He looked down at you, you couldn't make out his expression. But when you heard him release a small laugh, you knew he was into your games. "Alright, how about we get you something warmer to wear? You must be cold in just that."
You were wearing a tiny skirt and a cropped tank top, if you weren't so drunk you probably would have noticed that you were freezing.
You followed him like a lost puppy. You were lost. In your mind and in the world. Only hours ago you were laying in your bed utterly destroyed. Now, you used alcohol to heal the pain. You used it to distract you from how you actually feel. To help you seek the attention you craved. Jungkook threw you away so you had to find someone who would pick you up.
He led you to his room, closing the door behind you. You stumbled onto his bed, watching him closely as he dug through his bag and pulled out a sweater. He helped slip it on you, it was far too big for you, but you welcomed it like a warm hug. He sat down next to you, you felt his eyes on you. There was a need in his gaze, a need you could sense even through your intoxicated state. You liked it. You liked knowing he wanted you, feeling the greed in his eyes as he stared at you.
It was then when he started to kiss you. You didn't stop him, it was what you wanted after all. You kissed him back, with messy drunk kisses. You felt wanted at that moment. Even if it was just for sex, you felt like he wanted you in a way Jungkook didn't. Jungkook hurt you. He tossed you away, leaving you broken and empty. You were trying to take that away. You filled yourself with booze and fixed yourself with sex.
It wasn't until you woke up the next morning, in the arms of someone you didn't know, wearing nothing but a strange sweater, did you understand. As you walked home crying, hating yourself for what had happened, one thing was on your mind. One person.
Jungkook.
—-
It had been a week since you last heard from Jungkook. You didn't try to reach out. It wasn't worth it. For the entire week, you stayed hidden in your dorm. Fighting with your heart and your mind. Over what to do.
You thought of Jungkook. You wondered if he was thinking about you too. If he wanted to reach out but couldn't find the words. You imagined him knocking on your door and finally confessing his eternal love to you. You would kiss him and he loved him too. And you finally got your happy ending with the boy you loved since you were seventeen.
But you also thought of Jimin. Sweet Jimin. Your friend, whom you once loved. You pictured going back to him, hugging him gently and telling him you loved him too. He would hug you back and kiss your forehead, telling you how long he waited for you to say those words.
But deep down you knew neither was right. You knew Jungkook would never change. He would never become the boy you fell in love with again. You would never feel secure with Jungkook, always wondering when he was going to break your heart again.
Jimin was the safe choice. Jimin loved you. Jimin was kind and sweet. He made you feel safe. You would never worry about Jimin. Everything would be perfect with him.
But you weren't sure you wanted perfect.
You quickly pushed those thoughts out of your head. You didn't like thinking about either. It was all too complicated to think about.
Chae had left for the weekend to go see her parents. Before she left she asked you nearly a hundred times if you would be okay. You assured her you would, but you weren't really sure.
You never went home, unless you had to. You dreaded the thought of being with your mother. After your dad left, she became a shell of herself. She began to resent you for what you stood for. That being a constant reminder of your father. You much rather stay along in your tiny dorm than face her.
You shoved your face into your pillow, wanting to block out the sunlight that poured in through the window. It was Sunday, your last day to yourself before Chae got back. And you knew that if you didn't have your shit together by the time she got back you would either have to explain yourself or have her beat your ass.
You didn't want either, but you couldn't bring yourself to get up. Your head hurt so bad from how much it was spinning. You laid flat on your back, staring up at the ceiling. Your chest hurt, there was a pain, feeling like your lungs were being compressed.
You sucked in a heavy breath, hoping it would go away. You rolled over, onto your side, looking over at Chae's empty bed. You felt so hollow, at that moment, like a completely empty shell of yourself.
You wrapped your arms around yourself, trying to force yourself to feel whole again. It obviously didn't work. Why would it? There was only one thing that would make you feel whole.
You pushed him out of your thoughts. Now wasn't the time.
You decided to get up, using the time it would take to get ready as a distraction from the mess you got yourself into.
You got out of the shower. The water had been cold, so you rushed at much as you could. You wrapped yourself in your towel and checked the time. Your heart sank when you saw a message notification on your phone. You instantly felt the tears form in your eyes as you looked at his name.
JUNGKOOK [10:54]: Can I see you?
-----
It was funny to think how him sending you a simple text could lead to you sitting in his bedroom, picking at your thumbnail, overwhelmed with nerves. But that was how it was with Jungkook. He called, you came running.
The ride there was quiet. Jungkook didn't say much, as usual. And you couldn't bring yourself to speak. When you arrived at Jungkook's house, the once familiar building seemed abandoned. You followed him silently, trying to work yourself up for what was to come.
He led you to his bedroom, you shut the door behind you. His room was a mess, clothes littered the floor and his bed was unmade. You could tell he wasn't planning to have you over. It was a spontaneous decision for him. That calmed you a bit.
You stood awkwardly at his door, not knowing whether to sit down or stay standing. You looked at Jungkook with waiting eyes, hoping he would instruct you on what to do. Jungkook soon noticed your pause, he walked over to you. His face was wiped clean of expression as he brought his body close to yours and kissed you gently.
You didn't kiss him back, you couldn't bring yourself to. As much as you wanted to kiss him and forget everything that happened. You couldn't. You were still in so much pain, you couldn't just make it go away.
Once Jungkook realized you wouldn't kiss him back, he pulled his lips away from yours. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I shouldn't have brought you here. I shouldn't have messaged you. That wasn't fair."
"Why did you then?" You asked, feeling your voice crack under the pain you felt.
"I missed you- fuck I missed you so much." He paused, looking away from you. "I was driving, just driving to get my mind off something. And I kept driving to your dorm. I couldn't stop. I've been doing it almost every day these past few days."
You watched his face carefully as he spoke. You could see the hurt in his eyes, see the guilt and pain. It hurt you to see him like that. You wanted to take his words for something more than they probably were. You wanted to believe that it was his heart telling him he loved you before his mind knew it. But that would just be giving you false hope. "I missed you too, Jungkook." You squeaked the words, your throat was burning as you tried to fight back your tears.
Jungkook turned back to you, his eyes were wide as if he couldn't believe what you said.
You wanted him to love you. You would have done anything to know that he loved you back. Jungkook wasn't the one to change. You knew that. He would stay the same, you could never go back to the fantasy of him before. He would never be the prince in your story. He wouldn't rescue you. He would only destroy you.
You sat next to him. You couldn't look at him, it hurt too much to see his face. To look at the boy you loved so dearly, and know he didn't love you back. It took every part of you to hold in your tears. But you wouldn't let him see you cry. You needed to be strong.
"But I'm tired of waiting for you to change when I know that's never going to happen. I can't stand around and continually hurt myself waiting for you to change. I just- I can't. I can't keep crying over you. It hurts me too much and one day I will never recover. You'll always be rude, manipulative, toxic, and hurtful. You'll always be you and nothing will ever change that." You stopped, feeling tears pour down your hot cheeks. You sucked in a heavy breath, before speaking again. The words hurt you so badly but you had to say them, you had to get them out before you destroyed yourself. "But... the worst part is that I'll never stop loving you." The words killed you to stay, but they were true. No matter what he did to you, how much pain he put you through, how much he destroyed you. You would never stop loving him. Not even for a second.
That was what hurt the most.
"I can't live with myself after what I did to you. I would see myself not knowing who it was looking back at me. I did everything I could to get you off my mind. All the drugs, alcohol, partying I could get myself into just to forget how guilty I was over how I hurt you. But it wasn't enough and nothing will ever be enough to forget what I did. I hate myself for it. Every single day. Because all I wanted was to be with you, but all I did was drive you away. I fucked up too many times to ever forgive myself. You shouldn't forgive me either. I don't deserve you. You deserve someone who can love you in the ways I can't."
You didn't care if he didn't deserve you, you wanted him. Despite everything you wanted him. You were a fool. A fool who fell in love with the wrong person. "I don't want love if it's not with you." You started to cry. Quiet, painful sobs that pierced the silence.
"I know...I know," he admitted, his voice low.
You wanted to forgive him. Your heart was telling you too. To take him back and pretend it all never happened. You wanted to believe him. Believe that the look you saw in his eyes was guilt and regret. That he really did want you back. He wanted you back for good. No more games. No more lies. Just you and him.
But your brain was telling you no. That this was just another one of his tricks to pull you back in so he could use you again. Because that's what he did. He used you. Over and over again. It would never stop, not until you made it. Until you cut him off for good and never looked back.
Your mind was spinning. You were being pulled between what your heart wanted and what you knew you needed. But weren't those one and the same?
"Kiss me and make it better." You said quietly, trying to fight your tears. You wanted everything to be okay again. You wanted to forget all about what is right and wrong. You wanted him. You wanted to feel better. You wanted him to make you feel better. "Please," you begged, tasting your salty tears on your tongue.
His expression was filled with sadness as he wiped your tears off your cheek. His hands were cold on your face but you never wanted them to let go. "I can't do that... not after everything."
"You can, you just don't want to." It hurt to say. You could hear the desperation in your voice as you begged him to help you. Begged him to make your pain go away and give you the fulfillment of your addiction. The one you needed. You couldn't take this detox anymore.
"I do... trust me. But I can't hurt you again." He looked away from you. "I just can't."
It killed you to hear him speak. To throw you aside again. Who gave a fuck about your own benefit. "I don't care. I want this." You felt like a child begging for a toy you wanted so badly.
"You should."
"I don't. Hurt me a million times over. If it means I get you... even for a second. I'll take it. Please." You didn't care how pathetic you sounded, the words just poured out.
"You don't know what you're asking for." He finally brought his eyes back to yours. They were cold. "I won't be able to live with myself."
"Then don't hurt me again." It seemed like such a simple idea but you knew it wasn't. It was an impossible daydream.
"You know I can't promise you that." His tone was cold. All feeling drained from his voice. His eyes grew dull as if there was no life to them.
You looked into his lifeless eyes, your tears pouring out before past ones had time to dry. You pushed yourself away from him. You couldn't bear it anymore. You couldn't handle this back and forth. You wanted it to end. But you wanted it to end with him accepting you in the end.
You placed your face in your hands. What had you done that made him reject you like this? Your head spun with answers. Were you not pretty enough? Did he never love you? Was he using you from the beginning and now just needed a reason to get rid of you? What had you done to deserve this?
"I don't get it," you cried, your voice muffled through your palms. "What did I do to make you treat me like this? Please, I don't understand. Why do you hate me so much?" Your hands were shaking so much your voice vibrated through them. They were soaked with your tears. You pulled away, letting him see what he had done to you. You let him see all your tears. The pain and heartbreak that had caused them. You wanted him to see. To know the effect he had on you.
His face was hollow as if his life had been sucked out of him. He looked... sad. "I don't hate you, not at all. And you don't deserve this- I don't deserve you."
"That's not an answer!" You were yelling now. You couldn't take this anymore. You needed an answer- you needed to know. "It is the least you can do for me, is tell me why you torture me like this! The very fucking least, Jungkook!" You could hardly breathe, every single emotion was running through your body all at once. You felt like you were dying as you screamed at him. Slowly suffocating on your words- drowning in a pool of your uncontrollable thoughts.
"I don't know," Jungkook whispered, his voice was so quiet you could hardly hear him. He didn't look at you as he spoke. You hoped it was because he was ashamed. "You deserve more than a fucking child that can't handle his emotions. That hurts the people around him because he can't figure out his fucking mind!"
You felt like a piece of you was lost. As if the rope that kept you tied to him had been cut. As you stared at him now, you felt nothing. Like all the horrible feelings he caused you were gone in an instant. You stood up, you couldn't sit there any longer. "Did you ever love me?" The words nearly killed you to say. You were so terrified of his answer, but you needed to know. It was the question you had been asking yourself over and over again since this all started. You needed your answer- you needed it from him.
Jungkook looked down at his hands. "I did, once."
"But you don't, now." That was all you needed to know. You said nothing more to him before walking away.
Leaving him with only his memories of you.