They say time flies for women and slows down for Men. They weren't wrong. I thought I would give Dionisis space to pursue me. With that space became a big void. It felt like the size of the Grand Canion in its breath that left an echo that reverberated with genuine anguish. It genuinely felt like he had forgotten about me. The lack of contact punched a hole through me. To go from such intimacy to such propelled desolation left me totally bereft.
In my bedroom, the walls were pink and I had a single bed. Above the bed was a signed poster of one of my favourite bands, It Bites. To the right of the door I had hung some pictures that Dionisis had processed for me before I came home. Dionisis had painstakingly numbered every photo and got two sets, one for me. The one that he had taken on the shelf of the two of us kissing - I had that enlarged and it took pride of place on my wall. Every time I passed it I wanted to be transported back there again. I felt like a drug addict going through what I imagined cold turkey to feel like.
I had missed Scruff though. I got a very big welcome from a very scruffy, boisterous dog. I took him for a good run.
So back to work with a a catastrophic bump. I took some chocolates into work for the staff. I got my photos developed and I was late back because of a bomb scare! I was relieved to get home.
I spoke to Quig and went to see him. As always Pizza calls. I tried ringing Dionisis and I spoke to Christian. He was nice but I had to wonder - was Dionisis avoiding me? I was weary with all of it.
I talked online to Quig on Wednesday. To do that we used something called Internet Relay Chat. My ex Richard came into the chat room. He rang up Quig to tell him that my email alias had expired and if I carried on using it, he would block me. He was petty and jealous. It was him who had the affairs. I was well shut of him. So I used Quig's alias instead!
One of our senior engineers delivered a training course on Ingres for two days at work and it was heavy going. Quig and I went for a Chinese meal on the Thursday and Friday. He made me a meal of chips and veggie burgers. Quig was being attentive and kind. He'd picked me up during my strains with Richard and now it was keeping me diverted after the lows of coming home from Heidelberg. I didn't want to load it into him and didn't go into detail as to my low feelings but he knew me too well.
Saturday I met up with Becky for retail therapy and a change of scene. It was good to catch up with her and talk about my trip. We always know what the outcome will be but we as humans go through the motions. I bought a coat and some pot pourri, just in case I got stopped by the police again I thought I'd give them something major to talk about! More on that later!
I headed over to Quig's and I made my signature lasagne for us. We went to see Dangerous Game. I knew I was seeing him a lot but we were both at a loose end and his company was easy. We'd known each other for eight years. We got back after midnight. I slept on the sofa and he slept on the floor. I got home at nearly 4pm as Quig and I were talking until 6am and I slept until 1pm. That was my immediate life now.
Mum and I regularly headed into Leeds for shopping. Our favourite place to visit was by the train station. It was an area called Granary Wharf. It was a myriad of waterways with the river running through it. The atmosphere of the underground brick tunnel network was dank and dark and a little bit spooky. Light and shadow danced like the reflection of seawaves across the apex of the brick arches. The arched corridors were haunted by spectres of dark shadow characters that would chunter away, as I passed through from the main road, into the under road void. The water would travel noisily, at pace. But the shops were a mixture of furniture, food, cut crystal with engraving. This particular day there was someone I had not seen before - a tarot card reader. She had short brown hair with a sign saying "Tarot cards reading £5."
"Oh Mum, let's see what she says". Mum came over as I handed over a crisp, new five pound note.
She got me to shuffle the cards and then turn over three.
It was, the lovers, a death card, and the ace of cups.
She started "For the next twelve months there will be lots of men." I had chosen the fire pile. "The air card denoted I would be strong enough to start my own business since I wanted a good career. " The card on top was the lovers.
"The lovers card meant that there was a man who was very sexually magnetic." This was quite embarrassing, with my Mum standing by my side. "with lots of sex involved; someone who has a great sense of humour and you will get on very well."
"There are two cards relating to men; this one and one suggesting a man who was not ready for a commitment but was probably ready for a long term relationship. This other card denotes that in five to six months time you will be aspiring to be a working Mum. This means that you will let your career go for children." She prompted me to choose another card. "The card suggests that the man doing a lot of travelling at the moment is insecure. This card shows me that you must travel a lot in the summer or as soon as possible. It looks like you will be taken abroad with work yourself. This final card, the Emperor shows me that you would always be secure financially and the guy you end up with will be quick brained and would move on quickly career wise. I can see you have suffered a great trauma in your life and the death card says that you are ready for a new break. This employer will definitely be male and in his 40s and it will be a job for 1 to 1.5 years. He will be very straight with you but he will be good for your career. But you have a great sex life to look forward to!"
"Thank you" I said to her, gratefully.
Mum teased, "That means that you're going to fall in love with that little Soldier drummer boy." Mum is so annoying, I thought. She just doesn't take any of this seriously. This was serious to me. This was my life.
Ali McGregor rang and I had noticed it was always from a pub public phone. He was going back next week to Germany. I did to hope to see him before he went back. But I told him I couldn't make it and to be honest I didn't feel driven to make the effort. I was sure he would lose interest and would meet a German frollein. I imagined the soldiers slept around and the women were attracted to the uniform.
It's hard enough for a fella not to stray at the best of times and we weren't committed in any way. I really was not in the mood for another distance relationship and there was double distance with him. Another heartache wasn't in my plans right now. I needed time to adjust. My sense of trust in men presently was at an all time low and my lack of trust was excusable, given what I had just been through and my present predicament. I had worn my heart on my sleeve, put it out there and had thought it was reciprocated. The fact that Adonisis was noticeably incommunicado, no letters, no phone contact, nothing like before my trip, left me hanging and hit very hard, and the change of competition meant that unrequited feelings were ripping me apart.
I bet Ali had known many women with little conscience or concern for the repercussions. The lack of contact meant that I was and hurt and I couldn't help stereotyping. I was sad. I was low. I was fragile. I had to admit though that Ali was very comical. He was likeable but reckless. I couldn't help but find his qualities amusing. However I had really had to force my phone number on him, given that he was so drunk. He claims he lost it. But damn he was damn attractive to look at. Yet he was going out of his way to contact me. I hadn't even had any physical contact with him, yet he rang regularly and stayed true to his word. Surely that counts for something? He deserves the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I should focus away from Dionisis to reduce my current pain I thought. We will see...and classic overthinking. I shook myself out of it.
It was an early start at work. I got work just after 0745. Paul, the director met me at the office and we drove down to Shropshire County council. Paul was in love with Annie Lennox' Diva album and it was a pleasant background. Every time the song 'cold' came on it was particularly poignant. We got down there for 1020 after unpacking the equipment. The demonstration of the Trading standards software went well. Paul was pleased (it took a lot!) I could tell. After lunch he had told me I had done an excellent job. Compliments were rarely given by him. We drove back to the office in Leeds.
Mum was really unwell with flu. She was feeling very sorry for herself and made me feel like I was a neglectful daughter. Palmer had rung at five to see how Mum was.
Dionisis rang! I was shocked and he was clearly speaking with the strong tinge of a sheepish tone.
"Sorry I haven't called but I haven't been well."
"Oh no!" I exclaimed, sincerely concerned, "Are you ok now?"
"No, not really. I have glandular fever."
"Oh that's bad," and I continued "that's normally caught when you've been working too hard, does that sound familiar?"
I heard a weak laughter as a response.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"No no, thank you. I just have to rest".
The rest of the conversation felt laboured and he was clearly quite distant. I hoped it was just because he wasn't well. It did cross my mind since it is known as the kissing disease that, well, did he think I had passed it onto him? But my understanding of it was that the symptoms were pretty severe. I came into contact with a number of people in my job but it had been a long, long while since I had kissed someone before Dionisis! So then I thought, who has he been kissing? And then I decided it was time to stop over thinking. But he had been very close to Una and they had split up, even though it had been painful for him. I expected the same decision had been made with me. He said nothing, he explained nothing about how he felt. I felt excluded. I felt worse after his call.