Morning. Every day begins with a glimmer of hope. April knew this though she was having trouble remembering it. She knew that Jae's leaving wouldn't be the end of her world. She would recover and move on but she didn't believe she would ever love again. That would be the takeaway, the scar with which she was left for the rest of her life.
Beside her Jae lay, looking more peaceful than she was used to seeing him. Usually as he slept, she could see that he was fighting demons from the past in his dreams. He would be curled up tight, his brow furrowed, holding on to the blanket with white knuckled desperation. Just the sight of him made her ache. All she wanted was for his nightmares to end.
And it seemed that they had, at least for the moment. She wasn't surprised, though. He was finally going home. He would be with his mother, something she knew he longed for. He could tell her stories of America and make sure that her final moments were filled with pride for her son had achieved what she hoped he would. She would be at peace having never known her his lifelong suffering.
"What are you thinking?"
April hadn't noticed Jae waking up and turning to face her. He smiled sweetly and pulled her close to him.
"So many things," April replied.
"Can you tell me some, or are they secrets?"
"Mostly secrets but I suppose I can tell you one. I was thinking how wonderful you are."
Jae laughed and squeezed her tight. She snuggled beside him and closed her eyes a sudden wave of fatigue overtaking her. She had been unable to sleep much that night, her brain going full tilt until she saw the sun start to rise. Her thoughts, worries and fears had taken on a life of their own filling her head and denying her rest. She had just been able to silence them when Jae woke up. She tried to keep her eyes open but it was impossible, as sleep beckoned she was powerless to resist. She heard Jae say her name but was asleep before she had a chance to respond.
April awoke to the scent of coffee and the sound of two men talking. Jae never watched television so she had no idea what could be going on but as she listened she realized, she knew those voices. She put on her robe and slippers and cautiously opened her bedroom door. There, sitting in her kitchen drinking coffee and chatting like two old friends were Jae and Kenny. April stared at them convinced she was still sleeping. This was the last thing she expected to awake to.
"There she is," Kenny said, waving April over. She slowly made her way to them still in disbelief.
"What's going on?" She asked sleepily.
"Kenny and I were talking," Jae answered as if it was something that happened every day. He may as well have said, "Oh, I'm just juggling knives."
"I see that. Why?"
"Why not?" Kenny asked.
They both laughed and April felt like Alice in the middle of some sick trick played by the Queen of Hearts.
"Do you want some coffee?" Jae asked. "I know you're exhausted."
"Will it make me shrink?"
"Um, I don't think so," Jae answered, pouring her a cup and fixing it for her just the way she liked it.
She sat down next to Kenny at the island and stared at Jae. What was he up to? And Kenny. She cut her eyes at him suspiciously. It felt like a trap but she couldn't figure out which of them was trapping her or why.
"I came over to talk to you about tomorrow," Kenny offered.
"What about it?" April answered abruptly.
Kenny flinched, her paranoia taking him off guard.
"Just making sure everything was good and that you still wanted to go."
April nodded, sipping her coffee and glaring at Kenny over the rim of her cup.
"Are you alright?" Jae asked. "You seem..upset."
"I'm fine," April said. "This is just a little surreal. The two of you. Together."
"I should go," Kenny said, standing, "I have to teach a class in half an hour."
Jae and Kenny shook hands before Kenny practically ran for the door. April watched him then turned to Jae expectantly.
"What was that about?" She asked when he offered no information.
"He really just came to see you. You were asleep so we started talking. I don't want there to be any animosity between us. I know he's going to be here after I leave."
April nodded though she wasn't exactly sure Jae was telling the whole truth. If not she was sure she could get the whole story from Kenny when they went out.
"I was thinking," Jae said coming around the counter, "that we could just spend the day in bed. Everything's done. I'm all packed. I just want to relax with you. Is that ok?"
April nodded looking over at Jae's luggage stacked neatly by the door and she immediately forgot all about everything but the fact that he was leaving. She hated that luggage. It signified the end of something that meant the world to her. In less than twenty-four hours Jae would take up his bags and walk out of her life. She'd be left in an apartment that was as empty yet somehow more empty than before.
"I'm going to take a quick shower. I'll be there in a minute," April told Jae. He kissed her cheek and she went into the bathroom. Staring into the mirror she willed herself not to cry. This sadness was something she would have to get used to. Soon she'd have plenty of time to weep and expel all her sorrow but she didn't want Jae to see her that way. She knew his guilt would cause him to make decisions he wouldn't otherwise make and she didn't want to be the causes of any mistakes or any more regret.
Wrapped in a towel she went to her room to find Jae standing at her bedroom window, staring at the city below.
"You love it here," he said without turning around.
"I do," she replied.
"I wish I could. Everything would be so much easier if I could."
"Jae," April said, rushing to his side, "even if you did, it's not where you need to be. Loving this city wouldn't keep you from missing your home. I love this city because it's where I grew up. Everything has meaning to me; it evokes memories that make me feel secure. I know you feel the same way about Ansan."
"April, I'm sorry."
Jae turned to her, tears streaming down his face. She hadn't expected an emotional outpouring from him, she was supposed to be the sad one. He had seemed so at peace with his decision just a short time ago.
"Why?" She asked, wiping away his tears.
"I shouldn't have let this happen. I should have kept my distance. I knew I wasn't going to be able to stay but I pursued you anyway. I never should have started this."
April sighed, taking Jae into her arms.
"I'm not sorry," she whispered.
Jae pulled away and looked at her, perplexed.
"You're not? Why? This is a disaster."
"That's not how I see it at all. Jae, when I met you, I was so low that I was drinking alone trying to drown my sorrow. You came into my life like a bolt of lightning and you changed me. Nothing lasts forever but I will carry you in my heart for the rest of my life because that's where you belong. I honestly believe I'm better for having been with you, even if it was only for short while. So, please don't be sorry."
"Do you mean that?" Jae asked. She knew he was afraid she was simply trying to appease his suffering by saying what he might want to hear, but she meant every word. Where would she be if he had kept his distance? She didn't even want to think about it. She assumed she'd be drinking nightly or at least eating herself out of house and home. She never would have reconnected with Kenny who had become so much more to her than he had even been before. And though she may never let herself fall in love again, she did believe in the power of love. She had Jae to thank for that.
April nodded, overcome by emotion.
"Come on," Jae said, taking her hand and leading her to the bed. He lay down and opened his arms inviting her to join him.
They spent much of the day in silence, kissing, caressing, making love. Somehow, though, it didn't feel like the end. As the day wore on, April became more and more sure that her story with Jae wasn't over. And as night fell, she knew for certain that this wasn't their last night together. Somehow, this was just the beginning.