I helped out Kuya Ely to prepare breakfast. He did most of the preparations, I was just the one who sliced the needed ingredients. Most of the time, I just stared at him while he was demonstrating the cooking. I was a help, little help. We ate in silence together. Mom was out early to meet with her friend.
We dwelled in the living room while Kuya Ely was getting his things ready. I heard him asking himself for the car keys. He must have forgotten where he had last put it.
"Have you forgotten how to talk?" he asked.
He was fixing his black tie; I was checking my phone, expecting Perry's message.
"I saw your car keys last night in your room, on the bedside table."
"It was there? I overlooked it."
He asked. "Are you going to stay in the house the whole day?"
Not looking up from my phone, I said. "Yeah, I think."
"I don't think you're conscious enough to say that. Still worried about Rex?"
I didn't respond.
"You're feeding your mind with thoughts about Asis lately. A month of no communication is bearable than a lifetime of dead air."
Dead air.
I put my phone away. I took a deep breath, let it out, and thought of telling my brother of Rex's situation.
"Kuya, Rex is sick."
"Oh? How did you know that?"
"Perry called me up last night."
"I don't get the picture. Why didn't Rex inform you himself?"
He was checking his phone. I hesitated before telling him this, but he should be informed. I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I wanted someone to listen to me, I wanted someone to worry about Rex, too. He was struggling right now and keeping it from us won't help him either. I wanted to see him now. He could be feeling hopeless, and thinking of his affliction and his father would just make him depressed. He needed friends to cheer him on.
"He doesn't want me to worry."
"Oh? Then it's just a fever or cold?"
"Rex has leukemia."
I was surprised to sound so normal. My voice didn't crack, tears didn't stream down my face. I don't want to cry in front of my brother. I was strong like him. My heart was hurting. It couldn't contain the emotions I had been feeling since last night.
Kuya Ely stared at me for a moment. "What did you just say?"
"He has leukemia. Rex has leukemia."
"Holy shit," he whispered, keeping the phone in his pocket, unsure of what to say next. He even ran his fingers through his hair. Standing with his hands on his hips, he looked bothered.
"Rex is as stubborn as me. He doesn't want us to worry, so he kept it a secret."
My brother was out of words to say. He seemed astounded with the awful news. Frozen where he stood, he took out his phone again; he was staring at me. He couldn't believe what he'd heard. I guess I was too. Sleep hadn't come into my room last night, and Perry's news had robbed my peace of mind.
"Want me to drop you off at their house?" he offered.
My phone buzzed. Perry's message just came in on time. I read it off.
"Rex's not there."
͡
The whole ride to the hospital was as quick as lightning. My brother kept on talking to himself as if he had forgotten that I was with him in the car. Words like: that goat was insane, he was out of his mind, why keep it from us?
He couldn't believe that Rex was sick. Me, either. For me it was all a bad dream. I need someone to wake me up or tell me this was the worst prank they could pull on me. But that moment hadn't come yet.
No one was saying I could wake up now. No one. And it was totally devastating that no one was there to say that.
This was not a dream. This was happening. There should be ways to get him cured. There were expert doctors in this field. They could help Rex.
He dropped me off at the front door, I left him behind. He said to follow once he secured a parking space. I sprinted to the room Perry had given in his message. A couple of steps away from them, I saw him. Rachel was comforting his son. They were seated in the waiting area.
I'd arrived early before his appointment with the doctor.
Rachel smiled as soon as she saw me. The person sitting next to her, Rex, was peevish. I approached their seat, unable to think of what to say to him. My heart was beating like crazy.
"Hello, Ivy. How are you?" Rachel greeted, she tried to smile.
"Hi, Rachel. I'm fine, I guess."
She looked at his son, who was pretending not to see me.
"I forgot to give Perry a call. Have you seen him on your way here, Ivy?"
I told Rachel I hadn't seen Perry. But I knew he was just somewhere in the building. Rachel stood from her and went off. I was wondering how she could call her son without a phone in hand.
Standing in front of Rex, he was looking anywhere else but me. It had been a while since we last daa each other, he hadn't changed. He still loved to wear those t-shirts whose designs were of his favorite hands.
"Why are you here?" he asked, annoyed.
"Can I sit next to you?"
He didn't bother to respond, so I just occupied the seat where Rachel was seated a while ago.
"I'm here to tell you stories," I said after a while, completely puzzled on how to start saying nice things.
I'm not going to cry in front of him, I said to myself. We both need to be strong. He needs someone right now.
"I'm not in the mood to listen to any of your sci-fi stories. They're dull."
That was a bit vulgar, but I let it pass. I knew he'd done it on purpose.
"Okay, then I'll just stay here. I can spare you a moment before chemo."
He scoffed. "So, he told you?"
I replied frankly. "Yeah, he called using your phone. I thought you already deleted my number."
He didn't say anything. He didn't deny being out of reach, either. There was a companionable silence between us. I wanted to talk first, but I couldn't seem to find the right words to say. I was waiting for my brother to finally show up, maybe he could handle the talking. But he wasn't here yet.
"You're supposed to be mad at me," he said. "I intentionally cut our communication. I tried not to answer all your calls, it was hard you know. To hold myself back from talking with you and seeing you. But it's for the best, Ivy, I don't want you to see me dying."
"I was angry at you for a while. You know how bad my temper is. My hatred couldn't get you out of that misery."
He buried his face in his hands. No one spoke for a moment. I was hesitating to ask how he was, and that was not the question Rex would want to hear, I knew he was not fine. I couldn't take away the pain from him, either. Right now, all I could do for him was stay by his side. Listen to whatever he wants to say. The word die might slip off my tongue any moment, and that was the last word I wanted Rex to hear from me.
"I just hope you stay mad at me forever," he said.
"You're insane, aren't you? Will keeping it from me make you feel better?"
He didn't respond.
"That day, when you came to pick me up from work, it was what you were going to tell me, right? You just made that physical education joke. You remembered it was my birthday and saying that you're sick might ruin my day."
He was silent. His hands were still on his face. I glanced at him; he looked the same. He was not crying, I could tell. He just did not want to see my face, or it was the other way around. He stayed calm despite being in this unfavorable situation.
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.
"I'm not going to leave," I declared.
I felt like he was going to ask me to leave him alone. Rex could be a jerk sometimes.
He snorted.
"God, I don't want to die yet. I missed you, Ivy. I'm so sorry for messing up with your feelings. I was so confused when the doctor told me about this thing a week ago; it was terrifying," he confessed.
He turned and looked me in the eye, wistful for a moment. I thought he was going to speak up, but he failed to do so. He was diagnosed a week ago, yet he decided to keep it from me. I couldn't blame him for doing that. I know it was hard for him to experience this. As he said it, he was terrified. I was also scared to lose him.
I was looking at the white painted wall across me. Holding back the tears my eyes had been wanting to release since we spoke. This thing, he said. He couldn't even say the freaking word.
I closed my eyes and thought of something good to say. It took me a moment to speak.
"We made a promise to visit The International Banana Museum together," I began. "We still plan to witness how stunning the aurora borealis is. Just reminding you."
I stole glances at him; he was listening intently, back leaned in his chair. I hope this could make him feel that not everything was going to end and there was a lot to hope for. I could only cheer him on from here. "You said you wanted to walk by the beach in Malibu and maybe stay there for a month. That's your idea of a nice vacation, right? When we turn thirty-five."
I had no clue why he wanted us to visit Malibu at thirty-five, yet I was looking forward to it. Thirty-five meant we could still be spending time with each other.
"Sunset. Barefoot on the beach. S'mores," I said in an undertone, saying the thoughts I had in mind.
Despite the brittleness in my voice, I managed to go on.
"And also, the Marianas Trench concert that we are to attend on their next tour. I don't know when that is, but we have to make sure we get tickets."
I was not a fan of the said band; Rex was the one who loved them, their music. He got me listening to their songs one time, and it wasn't bad at all.
I was avoiding meeting his gaze, so I looked at the walls again.
"By the way, you owe me a ticket to Taylor Swift's concert. Just make sure you memorized at least one of her songs, okay?"
I tried to make this like we were just casually checking the list of things we wanted to do together. He turned to look the other way. I heard him sigh.
"Is All Too Well okay? I like that song a lot."
"No way! Since when have you liked her songs?"
Rex thought of an answer for a while. "I'm not sure, but I promise to sing with you in her concert."
"A promise is a debt, Rex. Keep that in mind. And don't try to break it."
"I'm gonna die insolvent."
"You're here to get cured. Stop saying that you're going to die. I can't even imagine it."
My voice caught. He placed a hand on top of mine.
"If I die tomorrow or the next month, go find yourself a real boyfriend," he said. "Make sure he doesn't have an effing affliction, leukemia in particular. Can you please look after Tecumseh for me?"
"That's sage advice but thank you. It would be hard for me to find another Rex Asis not unless you have a twin brother hiding inside your closet," I continued. "I would love to look after Tecumseh with you. He never looked at me whenever I visited. I wish Benjie would come home soon."
That statement made him chuckle. Benjie went missing after we graduated from college, until now he was not coming back home. Rex was optimistic that he would be home someday. While waiting for Benjie's return, he took in another pet turtle. He wished that Benjie wouldn't be jealous if he found out about the new pet.
And after a moment, seriousness reflected on his face.
"I'm afraid of dying. I'm scared that one day everyone will finally forget I was part of their lives."
He said it like he was speaking to himself alone. His hand still rested in mine.
"We all are going to leave this place. Everything has its season, Rex, and it's not yet time to lose your battle."
There was no response. "You'll survive this, right? You won't just let that thing ruin your life. They will help you, Rex. Please let them help you."
I squeezed his hand. "I've been praying for you. I know this may sound weird but you're always part of my prayers. I know you can get through this. He will help you, just ask in prayer."
He looked away, lost in his own thoughts. This was the first time we held hands for a long time, not just for the purpose of showing it off to the public, not just because we wanted to hold each other's hand. It seemed like he didn't want to let go of mine, either.
"I stopped praying when Dad died," he confessed. "It was you who made me believe in prayers again," he added.
He turned to look at me and smiled. His eyes looked tired, shadows ring his eyes, his smile wasn't as lively as it used to. But he was here, smiling, that was enough proof that hope hadn't died out of him.
"I'm happy to hear that from you."
"Why are you here? It seems like you don't want to lose me," he said, implying something other than just saying that to tease me.
"Who wants to lose you?" I began. "No one wants to lose you. You are special to everyone, in every way. So, why let them down? Rex, don't backout on this one. We still need you."
He rose from his seat.
"Where's my doctor?" he asked. "I'm ready to beat this cancer's ass."
I smiled to myself when I heard his usual voice, he was back; I watched him there, standing, pretending not to feel anxious. Then I couldn't hold myself any longer, just sitting and staring at him while he was trying to be cheerful as he used to, fighting with the extreme fear that was starting to eat him up. His fake smiles weren't doing its best to conceal the melancholy he'd been hiding.
I rose to my feet and walked towards him. When he didn't move from his post, I hugged him tightly. So tight that it made me burst into tears. I said I wouldn't not cry in front of him, I don't want him to feel helpless and weak, but all the suppressed emotions came on the surface abruptly.
I could tell he was quite astounded with what I did. But he didn't push me away, he hugged me back.
Lord, if you're going to take him away from me, please not just now, not tomorrow or the next day. I said a self-centered prayer to myself. I don't think I can handle the pain of losing him forever.
There was a moment of stillness before he began saying something that stirred my heart.
"Have I told you that I love you?" he softly asked. "I don't know if I would still be given a chance to say this again. I love you with all my heart, Ivy Grit. I just love everything about you."
I was caught off guard. Did he just say that out loud?
"Hey, you don't have to say anything. I don't need to hear it back out of pity," he said. "Thanks for always staying by my side, Conde."
When he said those words, my heart was ready to get off my chest. Surely Rex had the knack of throwing surprises in his own unique way.
He let go of me. We stared at each other's puffy eyes.
"Life is ephemeral. Better late than never, right?" he asked, laughing mildly.
I nodded in agreement.
"I've been thinking of the proper way of saying that to you. Who would have thought that the hospital could be a romantic place?" he asked.
"Being romantic isn't in your blood, Asis," I said, trying to hide a smile. I hit him on the stomach.
"When I'm finally in remission, we can go out on a date. If I didn't make it-"
I cut him off. "We're going on a date. That's the only thing I want to hear."
I don't want to entertain the idea that someday I might lose him. I wasn't ready yet. I don't want to think that love really is cruel.
"This love left a permanent mark. This love is glowing in the dark. This love came back to me."