Phil's fingers ran across the cushioned chairs that were set up auditorium style in the empty conference room. Sid glanced back at the door to make sure that Tomi wasn't hiding behind a cracked door eavesdropping. She strategically took a few steps down the middle aisle and Phil followed suit.
"When did you get out?" Sid asked him.
"This morning." His hair was a few inches longer than what it was when he saw him. Stubble dotted his cheeks and along his jawline.
Her gaze rested on him. He swung his arms forward, his fingertips touching momentarily before they swung backward to repeat the process again. He didn't know what to say and Sid was no help. Words had moved on from her like nomads lately. The balance between saying too much and not saying anything at all was something she couldn't seem to master. So she stood there instead. In the empty room whose air seemed filled with all her secrets.
"Thanks to you." Phil was never one to beat around the bush and it didn't seem like it was going to start then. As much as Sid tried to fight it Phil constantly reached out and wrapped her in the truth. No matter how uncomfortable.
"Yeah, well...you're welcome."
"Why did y—"
"How did you find me?" Sid cut him off.
"Chante."
Sid had definitely been slipping on the amount of information that she shared with Chante. It didn't help that she usually saw Chante at the end of a long shift when she was exhausted and her inhibitions were low.
"Figures."
"Why did you bail me out?" Right back into his line of questioning. Sid glanced at the door again. This time hoping that Tomi would barge in. Maybe whatever apprehension she had about Aiden all those years ago would flare up again and she would come in, guns blazing to break up this meet and greet. The doors stayed closed. She turned toward Phil.
He had on all black. Much like what he was wearing the night she saw him in the alley. They had given him back the very same clothes from that night. Sid saw herself scrambling on her hands and knees, desperate to get her hands on that cash. Desperate to take something from him and she felt the familiar touch of guilt squeeze at the back of her neck. So much time drowning in guilt. Sid almost forgot what it felt like to be deserving.
"You don't deserve to be in there."
"I'm not out here running an after school program, Sid. Maybe I did deserve to be in there."
"You're a good person."
"I don't know what good that has done for me." His hands were a nervous knot in front of him. Like he was trying to physically wring some sense out of the events of the last few weeks. It would be impossible for him to make sense of it because he was missing a huge chunk of information. The most important piece of information. That the girl he was thanking, the one who he lit up around was the one who was semi-responsible for his prolonged incarceration and falling out of Kru's good graces in the first place. In the closet at home, she held the his money.
Sidney ran a hand across her forehead and squeezed at her temples. Her body was begging her to talk. Tell someone. Anyone. Just to relieve a little bit of the pressure that was threatening to break her and spill all over her life. She was holding too much in. Too many secrets. It was the worst kind of prison. No wonder she was fucked up. No wonder trains sent her cowering into corners and fedora hats floated into her periphery at the slightest instance of discomfort. She was truly fucked up. And she didn't want to be. She opened her mouth and hoped that she wouldn't lose her nerve before the words came out.
"Umm...I bailed you out with some money that—"
"Don't worry about the money. You'll get that back once I go to my court date which I will. I promise you, I'm not running. I can get it to you even quicker if you need. I'll figure someth—" Phil launched into an explanation that wasn't needed. Sid cut him off.
"Let me finish please." Her knees trembled. She leaned against one of the conference room chairs for support. "I bailed you out with money that I... took from you. The backpack with the money. I have it. Had it." She felt her heart skip a beat and restart in her chest. Like just saying the words had reset her in the direction of humanity. Released a valve that was set to burst at any moment. Blood thumped through her body wildly and her ears drummed with the steady beat of her pulse but she tried to stamp it all down. Phil was saying something and she tried hard to hear him over the steady rush of her pulse in her ears. His face was etched with confusion. Like everything he thought he knew had been tossed into a blender and was now being served to him as a bowl of unrecognizable mush. Sid's heart broke a little because of that. She hoped that he would let her explain. That he would be able to hear it.
"Why did you take it? I thought I was losing my mind. I knew I put it there."
"You did. I saw you put it there from my window that night."
"Wow. Wow." Those two sentences were probably the shortest that he had ever spoken. Phil was never at a loss for words.
"Why did you do it?" Phil asked again. Sid swallowed and sank down into a nearby chair. His question was loaded. No one way to answer it so she remained silent. "Can we go get it? I can give that shit to Kru right now and we can squash this whole case and everything. I'll take the wrap. Tell him I misplaced it or something, I don't know but...something." Seeing Phil frantic unnerved Sidney. She was used to being on the receiving end of big news. Huge blows, like twenty foots waved that crashed, capsizing her life. Phil didn't know how much someone who shared the same blood as him had destroyed her life. The money was gone. Even if it weren't there was no way in hell she was putting that money back into Kru's hands. She was in the drivers seat of truth so she decided to mash the pedal and tell all.
"My...my father was killed six years ago. He was hit by a train."
"I remember hearing about a dude from the neighborhood that died like that. I didn't know Sid, I'm so sorry."
"Thank you." She swallowed pass the dryness. Pass the lump in her throat and continued. "I was there the day it happened."
Phil opened his mouth to interject again. Probably to try to ease the hurt of the story but Sidney held up a hand to stop him.
"I saw him...he wasn't just hit by the train. Someone pushed him. A man with a scar. Here." Sidney traced her finger along her cheek, from her temple to the corner of her upper lip. The quiet that settled around them gave Sidney the relief of knowing that she would not have to explain. The pieces of the puzzle were falling into place in Phil's mind. He too sank down into a seat across from her.
"Yo...Sid. I'm so sorry." Phil started but Sidney shook her head. She wasn't here for his apologies. Him feeling bad about her fathers death wouldn't right any wrongs in this world. She knew that they could do something about it though. Sidney reached into her purse and pulled out the photo that she swiped from her mothers basement. She had been carrying it around ever since she discovered it in that trunk. The edges of the photo curled up away from her hand in defiance. She desperately tried to flatten it out, wanting to Phil to have a clear view of the picture.
"Did your brother...did Kru ever mention anything about it? Did you know anything about it."
Phil's head shook slowly and he cleared his throat before looking over at the stage. A podium sat up front ready for the council to stand in front of his congregants and tell them about all that he would do to make things right in their city.
"The list of shit that my brother has done...I never heard him speak of it but I remember your pops and him used to hang. They seemed cordial and then, I never saw him again."
A part of Sidney deflated. She realized that she was hoping that he would say something that would fill in the missing pieces surrounding her fathers murder. But he was none the wiser. He would have only been around fifteen at the time. Her breath escaped mouth in a huff.
"I can ask around. See what I can find out." Phil offered her. She looked at his sincere eyes. He was trying to help her even though he just found out that she robbed him.
"You don't have to do that. I saw him. I know he did it. I was just hoping..." Sid swallowed past the lump in her throat and decided not to continue. There was little use in what she hoped. She had to stop living in the past and focus on what she could do right here and now to make things better. "I can't give it back to you Phil. The money is gone."