Eventually Christmas came around. It was Christmas Eve Eve and I was similarly excited for and dreading the following days. Presents were always good and Christmas had always excited me, but not for any religious reasons. I just liked the twinkling lights and the cookies and the spirit in the air.
This year, however, I dreaded it for several reasons. Firstly, I had to spend a lot of time with my family. That wasn't something new but especially this year I had no desire and it only added to the list of reasons. My grandparents were also visiting and I didn't have the best relationship with them, shocker I know. Secondly I was thinking about Mark nonstop and that definitely didn't put me in the best mood. I had asked my therapist not to reduce the dosage of my medication just yet, after the holidays were over he could do what he thought was right but now I was just too dependent on my already small dosage.
I also had to keep on thinking about Lilian and how she was alone, without her brother, at Christmas. I didn't want to think about how her Christmas must look like, but it only added to my already bad mental state.
Because I knew my conscience would not be clear until I did something about it I called Dan.
"How can I help you?" he asked brightly as always when he had picked up.
"It's Christmas and I'm sad."
"Oh no, what can I do?" he asked, the bright voice gone.
"I feel bad about Mark's sister, you can help me with that."
"Uh, care to explain?" he asked a little lost.
"Sorry, yeah, I forgot you don't know. At Mark's funeral I talked with her and she told me how bad it was at home for her and Mark. Her parents are apparently pretty strict and—" I sighed, "—well she said they're not physically violent but they seem pretty emotionally abusive. And I keep thinking about how lonely she is without Mark and it's Christmas and... that depresses me."
"That sounds pretty bad. What do you want to do about it?"
"I thought maybe we could spend some time with her if she would like that. You are a nice person so I thought I would ask you to do it with me."
A short pause followed. "Alright, I'm in. I don't want her to be alone at Christmas, no one should be alone at Christmas."
A smile spread on my face and his words lightened my mood a little. He was truly a good person. "My point exactly. I need to buy a present for her first though, but I'm not sure what yet. Can you pick me up and we go last minute shopping?"
"Right now?"
"Do you have time?"
"I'm packing but that can wait. We're leaving tomorrow so I can still pack tonight. Mom said to do it now but she'll understand if I tell her we need to save someone's Christmas. I'll be there in fifteen minutes, okay?"
"Wait, hold up, you're leaving? Where are you going?"
"We're going back home. I mean, back to my grandparent's home. We're visiting them for Christmas."
"Oh, good for you I guess."
Dan laughed at the other end of the line.
"What?"
"Nothing, I'd just rather stay here that's all. As much as I love my grandparents, I've barely settled in here and I don't want to risk having to run into my dad. Not that I think it's gonna happen but still."
"Oh well, I'd rather come with you, believe me. My grandparents are visiting and I'm already anxious."
Dan laughed again. "Anyway, fifteen minutes. See you."
_____
We went to the nearest mall and on our way I already texted Lilian, asking if she wanted to hang out with me and a friend. We had texted a little bit here and there over the past months, nothing big just checking in with each other. She had texted me when we had uploaded the first video after what had happened and ever since we just made sure the other person was fine.
Lilian agreed and I told her we'd pick her up in a few hours. I didn't want to rush too much in finding a present for her.
Traffic was crazy but that was expected two days before Christmas. Nonetheless Dan was a bit impatient.
"Are you losing your mind?" I asked with a smile.
"Only a little," he replied stiffly, looking ahead.
"Sorry, I didn't think it was gonna be this bad," I said truthfully. I felt a little bad about it.
"Oh, you don't have to apologize for anything, I like spending time with you. It's the stupid people, driving all these stupid cars and not knowing how to properly do it."
Once again the fuzzy feeling spread in my stomach. I laughed and then turned on the radio, hoping for a traffic report. I found one and it turned out there had been an accident not far in front of us and that was why the traffic was jammed.
As if on cue an ambulance whizzed past with flashing lights and the siren on. I hadn't been prepared for that and out of shock I jumped with a little yelp, the siren combined with the lights and the fact that it was so loud reflexively brought tears into my eyes. I had always hated that sound but even more so now, after being that traumatized after what had happened in school. My skin prickled and the hair on my arms and the back of my neck stood up.
"Holy fuck..." I gasped and wrapped my arm around me.
Dan looked over to me. "Allie are you alright?" he asked concerned.
I slowly nodded and swallowed hard. "Yeah, it's just the ambulance, I wasn't prepared. It's kind of a reflex, I'm a bit traumatized by those."
Another two whizzed past and I put my hands over my ears, closing my eyes and concentrating on something else until they were gone and I felt a hand on my arm, squeezing.
"It'll get better." Dan said with a small encouraging smile.
I nodded. "I know, thank you," I said quietly.
Dan had leaned over to me and he was close enough to me that I felt heat radiating off him. There was a weird feeling in my chest.
Finally the pieces clicked together and I realized that it was the same feeling I had always had when Nate was this close to me. I simply wanted to kiss him. And that confused me more than anything.
"Well, let's hope the traffic will move soon, I don't want to make Lilian wait too long," I quickly said to distract from my heavily beating heart, maybe he could feel it.
Dan took his hand off me again and leaned back into his own seat. "Yeah, let's hope."
It took a while but eventually we reached the mall. We had lost quite some time and all the people around us didn't help, if anything they only made thing worse because my social anxiety kicked in.
"Hey, weird request, but can you hold my hand? I get very anxious around crowds and Nate isn't here..." I trailed off.
Dan smiled. "No problem." He took my hand into his.
I ignored the jump my heart did. Shut up, we don't have time for this now. You're just holding his hand because Nate isn't here.
_____
I walked out of the mall with a gift bag that contained three things. One present was an album, Mark's all time favorite. As I knew he didn't buy any CDs and only ever listened to music digitally, I assumed Lilian probably didn't know much about her brother's music taste and didn't really have anything to hold on to. Maybe she would like the CD.
The other present was a necklace, one of those that had a name on the pendant and this one said Mark. I really didn't know how much of him she had left so this was another thing. If she didn't want to wear it I would absolutely understand it. I had gotten myself a bracelet with his name on that I had put on right after buying.
The last present was a perfume, something that wouldn't be connected to Mark, something just for her. I felt bad for just giving her presents related to Mark so I chose this.
"You know, you're giving her presents, you really shouldn't feel bad about that," Dan laughed as we were back in the car.
Carefully I balanced the bag on my knees while I put on my seatbelt. "Ugh, Dan, I explained it to you, two are related to Mark and I wanted to give her something just for herself."
Dan laughed. "Yeah, yeah, I get it. Don't worry. Anyway, you're going to have to tell me where to go, I don't know her address."
_____
On the way I texted Lilian that we would be there very soon and when we arrived she was already sitting on her porch, waiting for us. I waved at her as she approached and gave her a smile which she returned.
"Hi," I said as she got into the backseat.
"Hey Allie. Hi," she said towards Dan.
"This is Dan," I explained.
"Yeah I know, I watch your videos," she said with a shy smile. "Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too," Dan told her, "Allie, where are we going now?"
"Let's go to the park, it's not that cold today."
_____
At the park we sat down on a table, it was just too cold to sit on the grass. After all it was the middle of December. But it wasn't too cold to be uncomfortable out here.
"So how are you doing? Are you excited for Christmas?" I asked her and smiled at her encouragingly. Who I was trying to fool with my smile I didn't really know myself, we all knew I was far from happy and I doubted Lilian felt any different.
Lilian was sitting across the table from the both of us. I had Dan next to me who gave off some heat which I was thankful for, I scooted a little closer. Purely for heat, obviously.
"I'm doing okay I think. And Christmas... I don't know I don't really care much for Christmas. I'm just excited to go to church, that's all."
I nodded. "Yeah, that's good. At least something to look forward to."
"You don't really believe in God right? Mark told me you had a fight with your family about not wanting to go to church," she said. There was no accusation in her voice, only interest.
A cold breeze passed us and I moved my legs a bit more towards Dan to stay warm, maybe it was a bit too cold after all.
"No I don't," I admitted, "but I know you do and I know Mark did and I will pray for him on Christmas. I agreed to go to church with my family, mainly because my grandparents are there and I want to save my parents the embarrassment of telling them their granddaughter fell off faith. Either way, when I'm there I'll pray for him, I promise."
"That is very nice of you, thank you."
There was an awkward pause.
"And generally, how are you feeling?"
"I think I'm fine. Life's been getting back on track I assume."
I had always asked myself whether Lilian had the opportunity to talk with a therapist about it, whether she maybe took medication as well. But given how little her parents seemed to care about her and how expensive treatment was I thought the chances weren't very high.
"Yes, I know what you mean. Have you been going out with friends maybe?"
Lilian lowered her gaze. "I don't really have any friends..." she admitted.
I was at a loss for words for a moment and looked helplessly over to Dan. "Oh well," I said after the moment had passed, "don't worry about that too much. You start high school next summer, right?"
She nodded.
"There you have it, new beginnings are always great. You'll find lots of friends in no time, I promise."
Lilian gave me a smile when she looked back up. "So how have you been doing then?"
I shrugged. "Fine I guess. I mean, you saw the videos. We're preparing for exams and college applications are getting in the way of things... my medication is being further reduced after the holidays. Oh, and we're playing at a cafe two to three times a week. So that's good."
"That sounds great," she said honestly. "Are you excited for Christmas then?"
"Ah, uh, yes and no," I admitted. "Like I said, my grandparents are visiting and I have to spend all that time with my family... but also there's presents. I'd much rather go with Dan, he's going away for Christmas."
"Really? Where are you going?" Lilian asked him.
"I'm visiting my grandparents back in my old home. I've missed them but truthfully I would rather stay here this Christmas," he said with a laugh.
"We could swap you know," I suggested with a laugh.
"I'm afraid that won't work."
"Either way. Speaking of presents," I said and opened my backpack to pull out the gift bag. I set it down in front of her on the table.
"For me?" she asked in disbelief.
I laughed. "Yes, for you. I wanted to cheer you up a little. Christmas is the time of giving, right? So here you go."
"You really didn't need to..." she said awkwardly as she grabbed the bag and peeked into it.
"Ugh, stop it. Just take the presents," I laughed.
She first opened the package with the necklace and her eyes got teary. "That is so nice of you..." she said, her eyes still on the necklace.
"I didn't know what you had left of him so I wanted to give you something to remind you of him," I explained quietly.
"That's really lovely, thank you so much," she said and put it on immediately. It fit the golden cross she was already wearing around her neck and that I recognized as Mark's golden cross that he had never taken off.
"Look, now we match!" I held my arm with the bracelet out to her, just that mine was silver and hers gold.
"Oh, that's cool! How cute!"
Lilian opened the next present, the CD, and she did look a little confused.
"It... it was his favorite. I don't know how much you know about his music taste but I wanted to give it to you," I explained.
"Oh... I didn't know that. Yeah, I didn't know much about his music taste."
"See, now you have his favorite album. I think listening to someone's favorite music can tell you a lot about that person."
Lilian smiled. It was a sad smile, but a smile nonetheless. "Thank you."
I just nodded and waited for her to open the last present. Fortunately she liked the perfume.
"I just wanted to give you something not connected to him. Something just for you."
"Thanks a lot. Even though you didn't need to do it, but I really appreciate it a lot," she said with a smile, a genuine smile this time.
I smiled back.
"I just feel a little bad because I don't have anything for you," she admitted sheepishly.
"Oh, don't You really don't have to feel bad. Really."
"How about..." she started and seemed to think about something.
"Yes?"
"You see, my parents put all of Mark's stuff in bags on the attic. If you wanted to I could give you some of his stuff. To remember him. I wanted to offer that to you anyway."
"That... that would be great but you really don't have to give away his stuff if you don't want to."
"He doesn't need it anymore," she stated bluntly.
It took me aback. Was that how she dealt with the situation? Pretty realistic but also a little cold.
"And there is only so much I can keep. Might as well put the rest to good use. Whatever you want, you can have."
I swallowed hard and then nodded. "There are a few things I think I'd like and I think the others would maybe like to have something to remember him, too. If that's alright with you."
She nodded. "Yes, no problem at all. My parents should be gone in about—" she looked at her watch "—half an hour. We can go to my house and look through it, you can take whatever you want."
_____
We occupied ourselves for the thirty minutes and then drove back to her place. Dan had offered to stay in the car as he hadn't known Mark and didn't want to interrupt us. I had told him he didn't need to but he had insisted.
When we stepped into her house I shuddered. Stop being a baby. Look at Lilian, she has to be here the entire day and she seems to do just fine.
The ladder to the attic was steep and narrow but I managed. Lilian turned on the light and steered towards several bags that were piled at the back of the attic. She pulled some down and opened them, motioning me to do the same.
"Look through them, take your time. My parents won't be back until five, they're visiting my grandmother in the nursing home. Take whatever you want, oh, except for this..." she said and snatched a pillow. "I'll take that."
I started looking through the bags, taking some of his shirts. I thought those would be good to give to my friends to remember him.
"Hey, do you know where his jewelry is?" I asked Lilian.
"Uh, yeah, it's in one of those, hold on..." she said and rummaged through some bags. She pulled out a box and handed it to me. "Take all of it if you want."
"Are you sure?"
She nodded.
I opened the box and pulled a necklace out, holding it out for Lilian. "I want you to keep it, you can't just give all of it away. At least take one."
"Alright," she replied and took the necklace, pulling it over her head and tucking it under her sweater.
"Okay, this is pretty much all I want to have... thank you so much for letting me take this."
"You're welcome. If you think of something else you'd like to have just tell me. And thank you for the presents, oh, and wanting to hang out with me."
"Anytime, if you feel like you want to hang out with someone again just ask me."
"Oh, aren't you too busy for that? With the band and all?"
"I'm never too busy for someone who needs help or a friend," I stated.
Lilian smiled shyly. "Alright, I'll keep it in mind."
_____
Lilian offered that I could go into Mark's room if I wanted to even if it was mostly an empty room by now, but I had to decline. It would have been too much for me now, especially since I felt my medication starting to exhaust me. I figured it wouldn't be a good combo.
Instead I said my goodbyes to her and hugged her one last time, then I went back to Dan in the car, my arms full of Mark's stuff.
"Well that's a lot, did you raid his wardrobe?" Dan joked when I unloaded everything in the backseat.
I stuck my tongue out to him. "No, I'll give some of it away to the others, it's not all for me," I explained and plopped down in the passenger seat.
"Alright, alright, put on your seatbelt," Dan laughed.
I did as I was told.
"Do you want to do anything else?" Dan asked me as he started up the car.
I liked the idea of spending time with him but I couldn't think of anything that would justify it so I shrugged.
"What if we went to Albright's?" Their coffee is amazing," Dan suggested with a laugh.
"You know I don't drink coffee," I laughed, "but let's go there anyway, check out what it's like there when we're not the entertainers."
The drive took a little while because it was just outside of Los Angeles and our town was about 45 minutes away, but it was okay because we had fun singing along to bad Christmas songs on the radio.
"What's your favorite Christmas song? And please don't tell me it's All I Want For Christmas Is You or Last Christmas," I asked Dan.
He laughed. "No, neither of those. I like Driving Home For Christmas, oh, or maybe Santa Clause Is Coming To Town. What about you?"
"Do They Know It's Christmas but the Glee version, it's my favorite one. Oh, and is it really Christmas unless Kurt and Blaine are singing Let It Snow?"
Dan laughed at that again and it made my heart beat faster.
When we arrived the parking lot was packed but we managed to get what was seemingly the last spot. I got out and wanted to walk towards the entrance but Dan stopped me. The sun had just gone down and it was getting pretty cold now so I was a bit impatient.
"Wait no, come here," Dan called me back.
I walked back to his car and shifted from one foot to the other. "What is it? It's fucking freezing here."
Dan opened the trunk of his car and pulled out a small package that was wrapped in black glittering wrapping paper with a black bow on top that he handed me.
"For me?" I asked surprised. That I hadn't expected at all.
"Certainly. Don't you see the black wrapping paper and the bow? I bought it just for you," he laughed.
"Oh, but I don't have anything for you!" I immediately said, completely forgetting the present in my hand.
Dan laughed again. "You don't have to have anything for me. I knew you wouldn't but I wanted to get you something anyway. Please just open it."
I ripped a piece of paper off carefully and almost dropped the whole thing when I saw what was underneath. "You did not!" I shouted excitedly.
Dan broke out into a smile. "I did."
"You got me the Homesick Soldier deluxe eyeshadow palette?" I asked as I eagerly ripped the rest of the paper off and opened the gorgeous packaging of my favorite band's makeup palette that was decorated with Maison's art.
"I surely did."
For a moment I was mesmerized by my gift, then I threw myself around Dan's neck and hugged him tight. "Dan, you're crazy! That thing is $45! Plus shipping!"
"Forget about the money, please. I thought you would like it so I got it for you for Christmas and that's it," he said and hugged me tight.
"You're crazy," I repeated, speechless.
_____
We spend some time warming up in the cafe. Dan drank a coffee and I go myself a peppermint tea. I paid for both, insisting on it. Dan agreed but only because I didn't let him argue with me.
Inside they played the Punk Goes Christmas album with some additional songs from other bands that had covered Christmas songs.
"Dammit Dan, we should have done a Christmas song cover, why did we no think of that?" I asked with a laugh.
"Next year," he said smiling and I knew we both wondered whether that would be true, whether this band had a future that would extend until next Christmas.
I certainly hoped so.