WARNING: This chapter mentions suicide, physical and sexual abuse. It may trigger some.
Please excuse and grammatical errors.
January 18, 1992
~Tia's P.O.V~
It was currently 6:37 in the morning. I was laying in bed trying to hold back my tears, until they just came streaming down my face. It's just one of those days. One of those days where my traumatic childhood experiences hit me. It hit me hard. I promised myself I'd go to therapy when I really start making money, but I still have yet to do so. This has effected me since I hit puberty. I mean, I don't think about it everyday, but I do think about it a lot. It started at age six and lasted until I was ten.
My aunt used to make me stay over her house. I never wanted to be over there, but no matter how hard I cried to my mama, I'd end up staying. Now of course sometimes I had good times but other times not so much. It was the first time I seen porn. This particular day my aunt left my cousin and I and as soon as she left my cousin went into my auntie closest and pulled out a tape, a porn tape. This female cousin was seven years older than I were. I was six and she was thirteen. I remember asking her what it was and she told me porn and popped it in the VCR. I kept asking questions like what was the white stuff coming from the guy.
Within that same year it escalated. She called the game "Truth or Dare". That game consisted of her my younger male cousin, her, and I doing things, if we didn't do it we'd get punched. Those things would vary from pleasuring her some kind of way, watching my younger male cousin and I do things to each other, or her watching us "please" ourselves. Me nor him knew what we were doing. She made us promise not to tell anyone. So, all those years I held it in. Sometimes, I think it's my fault for not telling.
A year after hitting puberty the thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks. It even made me question my sexuality, even though I had no interest in girls in that manner. I fell into a deep depression, shut everyone out, and ate my thoughts away. I couldn't even touch things because I'd remember what I had to do with these hands. It was a traumatic, yet nobody could see the changes in my behavior, not even my mother. Maybe because I'm so good at hiding my emotions. Sometimes those things would happen and my mother would be next room.
It didn't help that I slept in the same room those things happened in. It also didn't help that I was being picked on at school EVERY SINGLE DAY. I didn't even want to live I thought I'd kill myself before the age of sixteen. But I'm still here, I now WANT to be here, and don't plan on dying anytime soon. When I was sixteen family secrets started coming out left to right. One was that that same female cousin did similar things to one of my older cousin who was three years younger than she was. Majority of the women in my family have been touched or sexually assaulted by someone else who was older within the family. When my mom asked me did anything happen to me I told her no, because when my aunt found out about her son she fell into a deeper depression. I didn't want to see my mother depressed like my aunt. MY FAMILY IS JACKED UP! These predators are living a happy life, while the victims suffer in silence.
At the age of seventeen I decided to shave my head and go natural. I also started my workout journey to lose weight. I was 5'6, almost 230 pounds at age seventeen. Those were the things that helped me cope, and giving me a new start, and it helps. I decided to forgive that cousin, but I didn't do it personally because I never really spoke to her again. Another thing that helped was my best friend, who was a ear to listen, and a shoulder to cry on.
I'm still friends with him this very day. What started at six years old and ended when I was nine. I was a 230 pound seventeen year old now I'm a 157 pound nineteen almost twenty year old. Though I forgave my cousin in my heart I still can't help but wonder why she did it. Many black families have things like this going on but ignore it and keep it buried. Keeping it buried, just continue to the cycle of the next generation and so on, which creates a transgenerational cycle of trauma. I'm a bit of a hypocrite for saying that, but it's the way I feel.
There was a knock on bedroom of the hotel door. I know it's Tupac because he slept over again last night on the couch. I looked at the clock and it now read 8:27. I rolled over and put my face in the pillow to prevent him from seeing me cry. I heard the door open.
"You a'ight in here," he asked. I heard footsteps so I assumed he was walking to the bed. My assumptions were proven to be right, when I felt the bed shift.
"Mmhm," I hummed into the pillow.
"Really? Turn around then." He said.
I rubbed my face into the pillow, in an attempt to rub my tears away, then turned to face him.
"You're eyes are red, you been crying?"
"No," I said in a hoarse voice.
"Why is your voice so hoarse?" He asked with raised brows.
"Because I just woke up." I said in a duhh tone.
"You've been crying. Wanna know how I know?"
I stayed silent, so he continued. "You have tear stains with red eyes, AND I heard you whimpering while walking past to use the bathroom." I still stayed silent.
"Come here, what's the matter?" He said pulling me to his chest.
As soon as my face hit his chest, I bursted out crying. He didn't know why I was crying, but rubbed my back and reassured me everything would be alright. I stopped crying after about twenty minutes. At this point I was just hiccupping.
Tupac lifted my head up, "Get dressed, we finna go somewhere, because when you ain't working you're isolated."
"Okay," I said still hiccupping.
"A' ight I'm about to head to my hotel to get dressed. I expect you to be ready when I get back, but I know you..." He gave me a look. It caused me to smile because I knew he was right.
"There's that smile I'm looking for. A'ight, I'll be back." He said getting up to leave.
Immediately after he left I got up and looked into the mirror. "I love you Tia," I then smiled and looked through my suitcase for clothes. After, I showered Tupac know on the hotel door. He ALWAYS seem to come after I shower. I tightened my bathrobe.
"Who is it?"
He smacked his lips, "Now you know exactly who it is. Open up!"
"OKAY," I snatched the door open.
"And you still ain't ready. Wow, why am I not surprised?" He walked in and closed the door.
"HaHA," I said sarcastically, headed back to the bedroom, while he waited in the other room. I closed the room door and continued to get ready. I decided to wear some high waisted black jeggings, a purple turtleneck, a black cardigan, my thigh high boots. My hair was in a high puff. I came out the room.
"We going downstairs to eat some of that FREE breakfast first. A nigga starving!"
"Okay. Plus we just showered and it's cold outside. I'm not trying to get sick.", I told him with a raised eyebrow. I grabbed my coat and put my room key into my black purse, we both headed out.
"Where are we going after that?" I asked as the elevator closed. There were about five other people in it.
"The aquarium." He answered in a nonchalant manner.
"Really?" I beamed.
"Yeah, what you never been?"
"I been to the aquarium before, but only once. I was very young at the time."
"Well, today will be your second time." We finally made it to the first floor and headed to the cafeteria to eat.
We grabbed our plates, I only had french toast and breakfast potatoes on my plate. He had just about everything except cereal on his.
"You are lucky," I said looking at him as we sat down at the table.
"Huh," he said confused.
"You can eat whatever you want and not gain an ounce." I told him.
"I'm glad I got that high metabolism." He laughed.
We continued to eat, and then someone stood in front of our table.
"What's up Pac?" They dapped each other up, as I lifted my head. "Tia?" He then said looking at me.
I shifted my head to look at him "Yes?" I lifted my head.
"What are you doing here?" He smiled, putting his hands in his pockets.
"I been at this hotel for a while now."
"You have? You look nice!" DeVanté exclaimed during the last part.
I blushed, every woman likes a compliment, whether they show it or not. Just as long as it isn't a backhanded compliment. "Thank you."
"What are YOU doing HERE?" Tupac asked moving his neck back.
"I been here since like two days before the Movie Premiere." He replied. He sat at the table nearest to my side. Then his group came and sat down with him. They all began to converse, including Tupac. What's they're group name again? Jodi? Jodily? Jocily?
"Jodeci!"
They all looked at me. Yep, I said that out loud.
"I'm sorry, I just forgot y'all quartet name."
"Shorty, you ain't ever heard of Jodeci?" The bony one asked, I never got any of the rest individual names.
"No. Well yeah, the day of the Premiere!"
"Only then?" The one with the surprised looking eyebrows asked.
"Yeah," I said lowly a bit embarrassed.
"You must be living under a rock!" The bony one spoke again.
"That's the same thing I said!" Tupac said cracking up clapping his hands together.
😑"That really tickled your pickle didn't it?" I said to Tupac, squinting.
"Nahh, but it tickled De's," the bony one said and the rest of his clan laughed. Tupac looked at him from the corner of his eyes, then at me like he knew something I didn't. De?
DeVanté looked his way and rolled his eyes. "Shut up." He mumbled. Oh, it must be DeVanté's nickname.
"No, I don't live under a rock I just don't listen to new music a lot."
"You a church going girl?" The one with the high eyebrows asked.
"New music, and secular music are two different things. So it doesn't have anything to do with going to church. But, no I don't go." I shook my head from side to side.
"Why not!? Everyone should go to church." The bony one said.
"Imma need you to lower your tone," Tupac said cocking his head sideways at the bony dude.
"We all are hypocrites at some point of time, but some of the biggest hypocrites attend church every Sunday. Pretending to repent on something they'll only continue to do. They pretend they're 'holier-than-thou', then go home the same day get drunk, abuse their wife and/or kids. A lot of those preachers and pastors that people think are in higher power turn out to be adulterers, or even worse paedophiles. You know, only false prophets. I'm a hypocrite but at least I don't pretend like I'm not."
"She ain't wrong about that. Plus K-Ci you haven't been to church in years" The bigger dude finally spoke out looking at the bony one who I now know as K-Ci.
"See..." I said referring to people being hypocrites.
"To be honest we ALL haven't." The one with the surprised looking eyebrows said.
"So, do you believe in god?" DeVanté asked me.
~DeVanté's P.O.V~
That really tickled your pickle didn't it?" Tia said to Tupac, squinting.
"Nahh, but it tickled De's," K-Ci said which made me side eye him, while Dalvin and JoJo laughed. I saw Tupac looked at me from the corner of his eyes, then at Tia, with a knowing look.
I looked back at K-Ci and rolled my eyes. "Shut up." I mumbled.
"No, I don't live under a rock I just don't listen to new music a lot." Tia replied back answering his question.
"You a church going girl or something?" Dalvin asked her.
"New music, and secular music are two different things. So it doesn't have anything to do with going to church. But, no I don't go." Tia replied, carelessly.
"Why not!? Everyone should go to church." K-Ci stated.
"Imma need you to lower your tone," Tupac said to K-Ci.
"We all are hypocrites at some point of time, but some of the biggest hypocrites attend church every Sunday. Pretending to repent on something they'll only continue to do. They pretend they're 'holier-than-thou', then go home the same day get drunk, abuse their wife and/or kids. A lot of those preachers and pastors that people think are in higher power turn out to be adulterers, or even worse paedophiles. You know, only false prophets. I'm a hypocrite but at least I don't pretend like I'm not" She boldly stated. I like her way of thinking, she seems like she's smart as hell.
"She ain't wrong about that. Plus K-Ci you haven't been to church in years" JoJo said to K-Ci.
"To be honest we ALL haven't." Dalvin said.
"So, do you believe in God?" I asked her curiously.
"Yes, I do. I just don't feel the need to go to church in order to worship god. They don't even teach the bible right to people."
"What do you mean?" JoJo said.
"For example: The bible says spare the rod, spoil the child. That one has been misinterpreted for generations. Back in the day before slavery rods were used to GUIDE the cattle. Same thing with the children, you're supposed to guide the children in the right direction not beat them into the right direction."
"Dang, my daddy been lying to me all my life." Dalvin said in a shocked tone.
"Your fathers a preacher?" She asked him.
"Yeah, and like you said, he's a very hypocritical guy. He would never practice what he preach." I replied.
"You two are brother?" Tia asked looking back and forth between the two of us.
"YEAH, you see the resemblance?" Dalvin got up and pushed the side of his face against mine. I pushed him back.
"I do," Tia chuckled. I love her smile!
"So, you telling me I been taking all these ass whooping, when the bible never stated that?"
"I'm sure we all have." She shrugged.
"I can't relate, because I ain't ever got an ass whooping."
"You lucky!" K-Ci said to him.
"Right, my mama would beat mines and my brother behind. We'd be laid out on the the floor side to side like Batman and Robin. Then when she get done she's say--"
"Fix yo face!" We all said at the same time laughing loudly.
"Like how in the hell my face was supposed to be fixed after I got my ass beat!?" Dalvin exclaimed causing us to laugh louder.
"Damn, I feel bad for y'all!" Tupac said cracking up loudly.
"I never thought I'd see the day where I'm laughing about an ass whooping," I said.
"For real!" JoJo agreed laughing.
"You really taught us something, are you sure YOU aren't a prophet?"
"In no way, shape, or form." She laughed gesturing with her hands.
"Well, we are about to go. So, we'll see you later."
"Where y'all going?" K-Ci asked them.
"He's taking me to the Aquarium." Tia responded, getting up and putting on her coat.
Dalvin looked at me and butted in, "Do y'all mind of we go I ain't been since I was in like the eighth grade."
Tupac shrugged his shoulder then looked at Tia for an answer, "Yeah, we don't mind." She shrugged, zipping up her coat, grabbing her purse, and the plate and cup she had.
"Which one are y'all going to? We gon' have to meet you there because we all can't fit in a car together comfortably." I asked.
Tia looked at Pac to answer. He told us and we began to grab our things to put on and to put up.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If the things mentioned in this has or are happening to you or someone you know, seek help. Tell someone of higher authority or to someone you KNOW will do something. Don't stay silent, or it'll destroy you. Many of of black people look down on therapy, but it'll really help your mental and spiritual state. ❤May peace and love be with you.❤
Word Count: 2,925
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