The argument between Cash and Casey gave me a lot of things to think about, and I found myself distracted for the rest of the morning, all the way up to lunchtime.
So Casey had been trying to get Cash back, had she? No doubt she saw their falling out as just another trivial spat, one of their various short-lived breaks. And why wouldn't she? She and Cash had been breaking up and getting back together since the dawn of time. Why would now be any different?
Because now I'm in the picture, I thought furiously, trying to push aside my doubts. The difference is me.
If only I could be that certain.
Needless to say, by the time lunch rolled around, I was desperate to get away and talk to Cash. I needed to hear it from him-That we were fine. Solid. That Casey Truman wouldn't come between us.
As Robert and I sat at our usual table, I began to plan my escape.
"I've got to go," I'd say, hurriedly scarfing down my lunch. "I just remembered I've got to hand a form into the office." It'd work; Martin was helping Lucy with her club, Ky was at softball practice, and Robert wouldn't ask any probing questions.
But when I opened my mouth to make my excuse, Martin and Lucy materialised from the crowd and set their trays onto the table.
"Hey, you two," Lucy said cheerfully, tossing a handful of violet curls over one shoulder. She'd dyed it again recently, a colour Martin had described to us as 'simply adorable.' "How are we enjoying lunch?"
"I'm enjoying my cold, soggy cafeteria sandwich very much," Robert mused. He cast a glance at me. "What about you, Alyx?"
"Fine, it's fine," I said hurriedly, standing from my seat. I didn't have time to wonder at Martin and Lucy's being here; I had to go find Cash. "Guys, sorry about this, but I have a form to hand into the office-"
"You're leaving?" Martin cut in, sounding surprisingly dismayed. "Already?"
"I might, er...Come back." I stared guiltily down at my shoes. "It depends how long the office takes to process it-They might have some questions-"
"You're always leaving early, Alyx," Lucy remarked airily. "That's what Martin tells me."
"Oh?" Robert said hotly, anger colouring his face. "What else does Martin dear tell you-"
"It's not like that," Martin interjected, equally as angry. "You know it's not, Robert, I was just-"
"Talking to your girlfriend about your friends behind their back?"
"Don't make this about-"
"Guys!" Normally I hated raising my voice at my friends, but I was sick of the fights between them. And across the cafeteria, Cash was standing from his seat, staring right at me and waiting for me to catch on. After a few moments he started to move off, and I watched in despair as he left the room.
"Alyx, I'm sorry." Martin sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. Lucy and I decided to eat here instead of in the clubroom, so that we could all spend time together...I didn't come here to start a fight."
I stared wordlessly into Martin's face. Into the face of the boy I'd considered my best friend for years and years. We'd been through so much together, stuck by each other even on our worst days. And now, he was pulling away. He was pulling away, and I knew that. I looked at Martin then, and I realised that I probably knew more about Robert than I did him.
That Robert and I were probably closer now.
But he was trying, Martin was trying. And I appreciated that. I could accept that.
So I said, "It's okay, Martin. Really. I just need some time to cool off."
And no one protested as I walked away, weaving through the tables across the cafeteria, pushing into the hall beyond.
No one said a word.
- - - -
Cash was waiting in one of our usual spots, by a dusty old classroom in an empty hallway. Both were rarely used.
He was leaning against the wall, standing directly in a pool of sunlight; golden beams speckled in his hair and fell in strips across his broad frame. Wearing a fur-lined denim jacket, a pensive expression, and an air of relaxed detachment, the boy could've been modelling for a magazine shoot in that moment.
And as I approached him, as I made my way down the hall, the sight of him filled my chest with warmth. It was like being kissed all over, like being filled with sunlight from head to toe.
Beautiful. You're beautiful. His words rang in my head.
But then I thought of Casey. Of Bryce and Tyson. Of stolen kisses at parties, between classes, in classrooms and under bleaches.
That's enough for me.
But was it?
"Hey, you." There was a fondness in Cash's eyes, affection lighting that brilliant blue gaze. I would've given my soul if it meant he would look at me like that forever. "How's school been?"
"Exceptionally boring," I said, which was a lie. But I didn't want to think about Martin and Robert now. I'd left them alone together in an awkward silence...Did that make me a bad friend? "How about you?"
"Better, now." Cash grinned and dipped to brush his lips against mine, hands finding my waist. It was remarkable that we'd only been doing this for a short time; I was certain I'd know Cash's touch anywhere. "Mrs. Riley was talking about mathematic equations all through the last period, and I just kept thinking of you."
"Math got you thinking of me?" I drawled, leaning closer as his lips travelled down my neck. I was sliding my hands up his shirt, caressing the hard smoothness of his body.
Cash laughed against my skin. "Haven't I told you how arousing I find unsolvable formulas? Such a turn on."
His lips found mine again, and I spoke breathlessly between kisses. "Keep it in your pants, Smith."
This was pure bliss, completely and utterly euphoric. I was swept up in a wonderful current, happily pulled into its depths. I could've let myself drown in it. It would've been so easy.
Too easy.
"I saw you with Casey," I murmured as we broke apart to catch our breaths.
Cash drew away, alertness coming back into his face. His brow furrowed slightly. "Okay?"
"You guys, ah...You guys were fighting. Arguing. Whatever." The absence of Cash's warmth let the cold hallway air come rushing in, and I already hated myself for ruining our time alone. "So she...She wants you back?"
Cash stuffed his hands into his pockets and leaned against the wall again, looking bored. "I guess. Who cares. It doesn't matter."
"You loved her." It wasn't a question. "Do you...Do you still love her?" If I was being honest with myself, I didn't want the answer.
Now Cash just looked annoyed. "Why do you care?"
"I just..." I picked at a thread on my hoodie, avoiding his gaze. "I just-If we're gonna be like, together-Like as a couple-Then I just want to-"
"We're not a couple," Cash interjected.
I felt cold in the middle. Frozen. "No, I know." I hadn't meant to say couple, but the word had come, unbidden, to my tongue. "I know that."
Silence stretched between us as I stared off into the distance. Cash had folded his arms and was staring at the floor, kicking his heel lightly against the wall.
"You wouldn't allow that, anyway," I said suddenly. Flatly. "Would you?"
Cash frowned again. "What are you-"
"No, you couldn't possibly allow that, could you?" The words were coming quickly now, spilling from me, and I didn't stop them. Didn't want to. "Not when Bryce and Tyson are around, not when people could judge you-Heaven forbid people knew you liked guys, heaven forbid you face judgement for your sexuality-"
"If you think we can just be a couple," Cash broke in quietly, with real anger in his voice, "then your grasp on the situation is a lot poorer than I thought."
"Here's the situation from where I'm standing," I said, lowering my voice to match his. "You only want me in the dark, secret spaces of your life. You'd never let me into the light."
There. That unspoken thing between us. Revealed in all its ugly, candid glory.
"People like me live in the shadows." I thought of Cash, standing in that pool of sunlight. Filling me with warmth. Then pulling away, and leaving me cold. "People like you will never understand what that's like."
We stared at each other in the aftermath of my words. Just stared, as the dust settled between us. There was something in Cash's face I couldn't discern. I wanted to take back everything I'd said. I wanted to say more.
"Fine," Cash announced suddenly. A muscle feathered in his jaw, twitching in his cheek. "Fine, Alyx. Let me leave you to your shadows."
I watched in silence as he walked away. Watched as he strode back down the hallway and disappeared, taking all the light and warmth with him.
Oh, Cash. You always do.
A/N: Thanks for reading! If you're enjoying so far, please leave a vote and/or a comment :)