as im applying my eyeliner, i get a text from kat. i sigh. she better be at school today.
kat: meet me in the library this morning
why does she want to meet there? we always get breakfast? maybe she has something important to tell me. my stomach churns at the thought. we haven't been very close as of recent. she's been hanging out with other people, and i've been a little infatuated with rodrick i will admit.
i throw on the jacket that rodrick never took back, and step out the door. it's even colder today. you'd think october was a little early for snow.
once im on the bus, i start to worry more about what kat has to say to me. what if she's upset with me? am i overthinking this? when was the last time we even hung out outside of school? is it my fault? she's been drifting away more than i have, it can't possibly be something i did?
i take a deep breath, telling myself to stop thinking about it, i pop in my headphones and put on my favorite playlist. i try to remind myself that it's going to be alright, regardless of what she has to say to me, but something just doesn't feel right. and for the most part, my intuition is normally correct.
i almost trip as im getting off the bus, catching myself last minute. my nerves are really on edge today. the bus driver gives me a worried glance as i wave at him sheepishly.
i walk to the library, my heart beating out of my chest. when i see kat's face, i can feel that i was right. she's not here to hang out and make jokes. she has something to say to me. something upsetting. my heart sinks.
i plop down in the seat in front of her.
"what's up?" i ask, trying to appear nonchalant. my voice crack gives away my anxiety.
"so, i've been thinking a lot recently about our friendship" she lets out a sigh. i brace myself. "and i just think it would be best if we ended things."
that's it. those are the words that i was practically shitting myself, worried over.
"oh." is all i manage to say.
"it's just, something about you makes me anxious. and i don't want to deal with that anymore. seeing you gives me anxiety." she says coldly.
"that's all? you don't think i deserve more of an explanation for this?" we've only been friends for three years.
"frankly, i don't really owe you any explanation, tate. you make me anxious. end of story." kat snaps at me, before picking up her bag and walking out the doors.
although i practically knew this was going to happen, i can't help but be shocked at the hurtful way she worded it. like she's better than me. like this is all somehow my fault. i try to gather myself as the bell rings, but my tears cloud my vision. i can't think straight. i'm so full of anger and betrayal. how could she do this to me? how could she make me feel so worthless, so disposable? the tears spill out, running down my face. i grab my bag and head for the gate. fuck school. it can wait.
i pull out my phone to text rodrick. he's the only person i feel like i can turn to right now.
to rodrick: hey, im outside the school. do u wanna skip?
my phone goes off immediately.
rodrick: yeah i'll be there in a sec
i sigh, wiping the tears from under my eyes. i don't want him to see me like this. why did i text him?
i plop down on the sidewalk outside of the school gates and pick at the loose strings on my ripped jeans. maybe im overreacting. people grow apart. maybe it actually is me. am i the problem? was i being toxic? was i not making enough time for her? my lower lip trembles as my tears threaten to spill out again. im a total mess. rodrick shouldn't have to see me like this.
an arm wraps around me, pulling me out of my thoughts and back into reality. i look over and see rodrick crouched down next to me, his eyebrows knit together, worried.
"hi." i squeak, trying to hold back the tears.
he sits crossed legged next to me. "tate, what's going on?"
i breathe deeply, trying to calm myself so i can get the words out.
"kat ended things." i manage to get out before my eyes release the tears. he pulls me into his arms as i sniffle.
"im so sorry, love." he whispers, rubbing my back comfortingly.
we stay like this for a while. i cry into his chest, while we sit on the sidewalk. although this is probably slightly embarrassing for him, he stays. he lets me cry it all out. why is he so nice to me? what did i ever do to deserve a friend this loyal and compassionate? i've never been there for him like this. how is it fair that i get to come to him for anything and not vice versa?
when my sobbing finally dies down, he whispers to me. "do you wanna go get milkshakes?"
i can't help but chuckle at his suggestion. "yeah, i do." i pull away, making eye contact with him, but breaking it immediately as i feel a pang of shame for dumping all my problems on him.
"hey, tate?" rodrick asks as we walk to his van.
i inhale. "yeah?"
"why do you do that?" he questions, his eyebrows furrowed.
"do what?" i ask, stepping into the van, although i know exactly what he's referring to.
"look away when im looking at you, like-" he struggles to find the right words. "-like you're embarrassed?"
well, that's one way of wording it.
"i just.." i sigh. "..i feel guilty, making you take care of me like this."
he turns to look at me from the driver's seat. "what are you talking about? you're not making me do anything. i want to make you feel better. there's nothing wrong with that."
he seems almost annoyed with me. why can't i just shut up? i sink into the seat, my eyes brimming with tears. i stay silent for the rest of the ride, hoping my tears will stop by the time we get there. rodrick blares heavy metal, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel rhythmically. when we get to the cafe, rodrick shuts the music off and turns to look at me.
"did i hurt your feelings?" he bites his lip nervously, anticipating my answer.
i take a shaky breath. "you didn't mean to. i'm just really sensitive right now."
"of course you are, i shouldn't have been so rough with you," he takes my hand, his eyes searching mine. "im sorry. can you forgive me?"
my heart skips a beat. he's so damn charming all the time.
"yes." i breathe. he smiles crookedly, and his face slowly starts to lean in to reach mine. my heart pounds and my eyes flutter shut as i wait for our lips to touch. i hear him snicker and open my eyes, glaring at him. he pecks me on the cheek and opens his door. although he didn't ever actually kiss me, my heart is beating out of my chest.
he comes around to open my door for me. just like the first time we went to get milkshakes.
"you okay?" he smirks. "you look a little red."
"im going to kill you." i growl, jumping out.
he snickers as we approach the cafe. i huff and cross my arms.
"do you want to talk about what happened today?" rodrick asks as we take our seats in a booth by the window.
i look up at him from my fidgeting hands. "are you okay with me ranting about it? i don't wanna be a burden or anything."
this was something that, no matter how hard i tried, i was never going to be able to stop doing. from a very young age i was taught to be silent and never dump my problems onto other people or they would leave me. just like kat did today.
he reaches across the table, taking my hands like in the van. "tate, you can talk to me about whatever you want. i promise i want to hear everything you're thinking."
butterflies return once again to gnaw on my intestines.
"okay" i mutter, blushing. his hand moves and i think he's going to set it in his lap, but instead he intertwines our fingers. my heart beats faster.
"so tell me what happened?"
i swallow. "kat just-"
"hey y'all, sorry for the wait. im janie, i'll be your server today. what can i get you started with?" a girl with bright bleached blonde hair interrupts. i pull my hand from rodricks, not looking up to see his reaction.
"oh we'll both have a chocolate milkshake" i tell her.
"-and fries" rodrick adds.
janie scribbles this down and eyes me.
"don't you go to my school?" she smirks.
"uh, yeah. we both do." i respond, awkwardly.
"im friends with kat. weren't you guys friends or something?"
"uh yeah. we used to." i look down at my hands.
"could you go get our order ready now?" rodrick interjects rudely, glaring harshly at the girl.
i hold back my giggle as she scoffs and whips around walking towards the kitchen.
"well she was just a sweetheart, wasn't she?" rodrick deadpans.
°°°
after spilling my guts to rodrick over milkshakes and fries, we sit in his van as i decide whether or not im gonna sneak out to spend the night tonight. i don't particularly want to be alone but i also don't want to be too clingy. that's how i was with kat. and that ended very badly.
"hey, i think im just gonna go home" i tell rodrick, finally deciding that i would rather be alone tonight than have him end up leaving me.
"are you sure? i really don't mind-"
"no, its alright," i shrug. "i have some homework to do anyway."
"alright" he starts up the van and the music turns on loudly, startling me.
on the carride back to my house, rodrick keeps his hand on top of mine, our fingers intertwined. i don't know what this means to him, but i like the way it feels. im too touch starved to worry about whether or not this is platonic. i lean my head back and close my eyes. today has been so exhausting. hopefully my dad doesn't get a call from the school that i didn't show up today. im already grounded and that would make things so much worse.
i begin to wonder what kat is doing. is she hanging out with that blonde girl, janie? does she like her better? she's definitely much prettier than i am. probably more interesting too. god, i wish she would have just told me what i did wrong. i sit there thinking about the endless number of things it could be until rodrick announces that we're there.
"thank you for taking me out today" i smile although i know my eyes probably look dead and tired.
his face contorts slightly into a grimace. "i really don't mind, tate. are you sure you want to stay in that house with your dad all night?"
"rodrick, im fine. i just need some time to think and recuperate." i grab my bag, reaching for the door.
"just text me, okay?"
"yeah, i will." i assure him.
i wave at him before turning to walk inside. my dad isn't home yet so i have the house to myself for now. i let the tears, that i've been trying so desperately to hold in, flow. i head to my bathroom to shower and wash all the sadness off of me from today. showers always help me feel better.
i let the hot water rush down my body, as i sigh loudly. i scrub my body hard, leaving it red. it comforts me though, i feel like im shedding my old skin. i wash my hair and try my best to get my makeup off. when i get out of the shower, my entire body is raw. i grab a towel and pat myself down, wincing a little.
i throw on an oversized band tee and some pajama shorts, then walk into the kitchen to get a glass of water. i feel dehydrated from crying. i gulp it down, staring at the magnets on my fridge. a little sun magnet stares back at me. kat gave me that last year for my birthday. it used to make me happy everytime i saw it, now it only brings back that aching feeling in my chest. i sigh, heading to my bedroom to take a nap. anything to escape my current reality.
the tears start up again, but im fast asleep before they get too bad.
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A/N omg im so sorry it took like three weeks to update. i just started school and my mental health hasn't been very good. im gonna try to get out the next chapter soon. thank u for almost 300 reads wow. let me know what u guys think of the story so far! vote + add please <33